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It was quite unfortunate that McCoy was the last one to show up to the party, for the sole reason that all the alcohol was gone. Well, that wasn’t quite a true statement. All of the “regular”-- aka non-replicated-- alcohol was gone. McCoy was aware that he could just use one of the perfectly functional replicators to make a glass of brandy, but dammit if he was going to get drunk, he was going to do so properly.
Pretty much the entire senior crew was completely blackout drunk, including Spock, which was surprising. Someone must have snuck him an entire case of hot chocolate or something. When McCoy entered the rec room, he was greeted by a hug from a very drunk Kirk.
“Hey, hey, Bones,” he said. “I, need you to do me a… favor.”
Bones shook his head. “What is it?”
“So, you know how the captain can make people married, right? Well, the first officer can help the captain marry somebody, but the second officer can make it so the captain and first officer are married to each other! Bones, Bones, you’re really cool and a great doctor dude. Can you, like, make it so Spock and I are married?”
Spock stumbled in and fell on Kirk’s shoulder. “Jimothy and I seek to be bound together in the traditional Earth style.” How the hobgoblin could be completely and utterly intoxicated and still manage to talk like a complete know-it-all was beyond him.
So, while some people had one-night-stands or got tattoos, Spock and Jim wanted to get married. He was about to tell the two of them that they were already married, but he decided that this would be much funnier. “Well, are you ready for the ceremony?” he asked.
“I have the rings,” Jim replied, showing two mood rings in his hand, one with a gold band, and one with a silver. “Sulu has flowers, and Chekov can cook. I know how to get married, Bones.”
“You, Jimothy,” Spock said. “are a marriage expert.” He attempted to kiss Jim in the Vulcan way but only succeeded in poking the palm of his hand.
“Spocko, that’s the sexiest thing you’ve ever said to me.” Unlike Spock, Jim was actually successful in kissing his bondmate, much to McCoy’s growing dismay.
“Bones, Bones! Can, can we have the ceremony on the bridge?” Jim asked, his eyes glittering with excitement.
McCoy sighed, wishing for alcohol more and more with each passing second. “Why not?” he replied.
Spock lifted Jim into his arms, a stupid Vulcan smile pasted on his face. “Jimothy and I shall meet you and the others there.”
McCoy thought that they had done well with the setup for the ceremony, at least, for doing so while completely and utterly wasted. The rest of the senior crew were also there, and not in much better condition. Scotty was completely decked out in several kilts, most of them not even being worn properly, and he was carrying a set of bagpipes that he found God-knows-where. A shirtless Sulu was clutching a potted plant tightly to his chest, a saber hanging from his belt. Chekov was also shirtless, wearing an obscenely large ushanka and an old Russian flag as a cape, and going on and on about Catherine the Great. Uhura looked the most normal out of all of them, apart from a bathrobe worn as a dress and poorly applied makeup that made it look like she had two black eyes.
The grooms were standing near the viewport, wearing perhaps some of the worst wedding attire McCoy had ever seen. Kirk appeared to have stolen a dress uniform from Uhura, and he had tied several of his regular duty tunics onto a belt around the waist to give the appearance of a train. Spock’s outfit, unfortunately, didn’t look much better. He was wearing a Vulcan meditation robe, with one of his duty shirts tied around the waist to fasten it shut.
McCoy supposed that he couldn’t judge when it came to the clothes that his friends were wearing. He was dressed in his regular medical uniform, both because he couldn’t actually find his formal tunic, and because he had no idea if there was going to be a medical emergency at this wedding, and he needed to be prepared. Someone had cleared some space down the middle of the bridge to serve as the aisle, leading up to the captain’s chair, which had been turned 180 degrees so it would look like an altar.
“Well, let’s get this show on the road.” McCoy said, standing behind the “altar”.
Scotty started playing “Here Comes the Bride” on the bagpipes with surprising skill, considering his state of intoxication. First, Sulu-- apparently serving as the flower girl for the ceremony, walked up the aisle, holding his potted plant aloft above his head. Next, Spock walked up, every inch the emotionless Vulcan that he prided himself on being. That was a lie, he was smiling. Finally, as the bagpipe music began to swell, Kirk walked up to the altar, lead by Uhura. He was wearing an additional gold tunic over his face as a veil, and McCoy had no idea how he was still able to see. As the music came to an end, the two grooms faced each other at the altar.
It was only at this point that McCoy realized that he had no idea how to officiate a wedding. He had only ever played a major role in two weddings, one being Kirk and Spock’s actual wedding, and the other being McCoy’s own… to his ex-wife. It was apparent to him that he was going to have to wing it.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate love.” So far, so good. “These two idiots, Captain James Tiberius Kirk and Commander Spock, really love each other. So much, in fact, that they wanted to get married. For the third time. But who am I to judge? I’m just here to make sure that they are bound together in the eyes of the law, and all that jazz. James Kirk, you may say your vows.”
“Spocko, Doctor Spocktor, Spoctonaught, Spocko Taco, I’ve always thought that you were really hot. Like, really hot. You lean over to look at your science station shit and I’m like ‘damn, look at that Vulcan ass’. But it’s not just your sweet, sweet, alien ass that gets me. It’s also your sweet, sweet, alien heart. I know that you’re a Vulcan, and you got that whole nonemotional thing going on, but honestly you’re one of the few beings in the galaxy that I trust with my life, and I feel like I can talk to you about anything. I’m ready to spend forever with you if you’ll spend forever with me.”
McCoy was surprised that Kirk’s vows were coherent, let alone as deep and heartfelt as they ended up being. It was cute. “Mr. Spock, you may say your vows.”
“My beloved Jimothy, I can confidently say that courting you was a very logical decision for both of us. You are a very attractive man, and I can reciprocate your desire for that ‘sweet, sweet, alien ass’. The bond that I share with you is a gift that gets better and better every day, like a gift that keeps on giving, I guess. You are intelligent, kind, and your constantly ripped shirts are a blessing to us all. I do not know how I managed to earn the affection of a highly emotional being, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Ashayam, I am ready and willing to spend forever with you.”
“May the ring bearer present the rings?” McCoy said. In response, Scotty walked up, holding a pillow with the mood rings on it.
“Do you, James Tiberius Kirk, take this man, Spock, to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do you part?”
“I do,” Kirk replied. He took the gold-banded ring and slid it onto Spock’s ring finger, which already held the ring from their official wedding on the Enterprise.
“And do you, Spock, take this man, James Tiberius Kirk, to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”
“I do,” Spock replied. He took the other ring, the one with the silver band, and slid it onto Kirk’s finger. After both of the rings were removed, Scotty returned to where he was standing and picked back up his bagpipes.
“Well, you two, I guess, kiss or hold hands or whatever, the groom may whatever the groom, you’re married!” McCoy said and threw his hands up in the air.
The two grooms pulled each other into a deep embrace and kissed. In fact, they were kissing for an uncomfortably long time before McCoy interrupted them.
“Hey, can you stop sucking face long enough to walk down the aisle?” McCoy asked. Thankfully, the two grooms complied and walked down the aisle while chess pieces made out of paper were thrown on them.
“Now that you two are married, I have a very special wedding cake prepared,” Chekov said. “It is a very traditional Earth dish, from centuries past. It is a sponge cake with a very special cream filling. I had to make it from scratch for this occasion.”
Now, McCoy was a doctor, not a historian, but he could tell what this cake was supposed to be. “Chekov, is that a Twinkie?”
“Well, not exactly. I was inspired--”
“You made them a Twinkie cake.”
“It looks good, does it not?”
“I guess so, but seriously? A Twinkie cake?”
“Pavel, it’s beautiful,” Kirk said, visibly crying.
“Well, the grooms get to cut the first slice!” Chekov replied. Excitedly, he handed Kirk the knife to cut the cake, and together, he and Spock cut the first slice. Everyone cheered, and even McCoy clapped. He had to admit, the whole occasion was more than a little entertaining.
It was the next day, and things were difficult on the bridge. Not because of any tricky diplomatic issues, or another tribble invasion, but because half the crew had wicked hangovers. McCoy was having to run all over creation to administer cures to the affected crewmen, and he had chosen to visit the bridge last, mostly because he wasn’t quite ready to face the attendees of the impulse wedding quite yet. When he arrived on the bridge, he could tell that Kirk had an awful headache, and even Spock was having trouble maintaining his signature poker face. He quickly treated the bridge crew with the proper hypos, walking over to Kirk last.
“So, how was your wedding night?” McCoy asked, smirking.
“Wedding night?” Kirk replied, noticeably confused.
“Do you not remember?”
“I remember bits and pieces. A Twinkie cake, bagpipes, mood rings… Spock kept calling me Jimothy.”
McCoy couldn’t help but laugh.
“What exactly happened last night?” Kirk asked.
“Long story short, you and Spock got drunk and decided to get married again, and you somehow convinced me to officiate for you.”
“Well, that certainly explains the mood rings.”
“Wait, you’re still wearing them?”
“They are wedding rings, aren’t they?”
“I suppose so…”
“So we’re gonna keep wearing them. Right, Spock?”
“Affirmative, Jim.”
McCoy rolled his eyes. Despite how long he had known the two of them, he was never going to be able to understand Kirk and Spock.