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Though Tsubaki couldn’t feel it properly, he knew very well what Berukia felt and wasn’t that the same thing?
Tsubaki strongly believed he was not deserving of love because he couldn’t understand it and therefore – could not reciprocate it – at least not properly.
Or perhaps… it was because Tsubaki didn’t love himself?
He didn’t know how to respond to Berukia’s very, very evident crush and feelings of affection, and though he could reciprocate them, give them back and return each touch, he didn’t understand them, not fully anyway.
It confused the melancholy Servamp each time.
Is this love? Is this what it’s like to be loved?
Tsubaki couldn’t understand it.
If Tsubaki could describe his lack of understanding in such a way he would describe it as “???”
Sure Shamrock liked him as well but that was admiration, infatuation, and idealization.
This…this was genuine love.
It was frightening to say the least, simply because Tsubaki couldn’t understand it.
Especially with how openly affectionate the magician was, and how loving he was, Tsubaki felt that he couldn’t reciprocate those feelings as Berukia wanted.
Simply because he couldn’t understand them, sure they kissed, they had sex, but to Tsubaki he didn’t understand the meaning, nor the intimacy, it all felt like a fog of confusion to him.
Often he found himself laughing when he didn’t understand something that Berukia would say to him or when he’d tell him how attractive he was and how hot Tsubaki made him.
“I’m so hot Tsubakyun…” He would whine at times when they were together.
Often in confusion Tsubaki would respond with, “Turn on a fan.”
“I’m horny, Tsubakyun,” Berukia added.
“Here’s a trumpet,” Tsubaki said much to the magician’s displeasure and expression.
Tsubaki would then end up wildly laughing about it.
Berukia would grumble angrily and comment that he was trying to hit on Tsubaki.
“You’re horrible at noticing my flirting,” Berukia would say.
It wasn’t that Tsubaki didn’t notice; it was that he didn’t understand.
It was rather he didn’t know how he should respond.
The first time he reciprocated a kiss he had asked if the magician minded how he was, that he could not express nor understand things like this to the extent that Berukia did.
“Ah, is that what you’re afraid of? You’re fine the way you are Tsubakyun, I will continue to adore you and shower you in love, no matter what~!” Berukia said as he pressed a kiss to Tsubaki once more.
After all, he had come to know and accept that this was just how Tsubaki was.
Perhaps if he loved Tsubaki enough Tsubaki would come to love himself and not see himself as an existing burden, or rather the one who was unknown and shouldn’t exist.
Tsubaki kissed back.
It was fine like this.
Berukia didn’t mind that he was the one to initiate things the most because he had so much love to give and Tsubaki deserved every last drop.
Though, Berukia hoped in time and understanding Tsubaki would come to love and accept himself, and until then, Berukia would continue to bestow love unto Tsubaki.