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Robbie sat, soaking in the cool midday sun, on a bench under a tree in Lazy Park. Was it midday? He checked his phone. 13:47, it read. Close enough. The full night's sleep combined with the probably fuller cup of coffee he'd drank in the morning left him feeling somewhat happier than usual, a feeling he hadn't had since... since he'd last slept more than six hours.
Robbie laughed. It really was a wonderful day, sun shining, breeze blowing and not a child in sight. A rarity, but a gem nonetheless. He was a little confused about exactly why none of the kids were out playing. Were Sportacus and Stephanie such huge influences on the habits of the silly little brats that they didn't play at all when they weren't there?
Bored, Robbie thought about leaving. He usually tried to stay away from his lair during the days, just popping down there for a disguise or a coffee break, but that was just because his speakers projected any sound the kids made right round the room, and he couldn't deal with that for more than a few minutes. That was another reason Robbie only worked on his machines overnight, and consequently was tired so often. He had no more trouble getting to sleep quickly than anyone else, it was the waking up too easily that was his real sleeping problem.
He had, on many occasions, considered getting rid of the speaker system, and once had even tried it, but they were fastened on tightly, and Robbie dimly remembered, when he first moved into the lair, his grandpa had fitted them himself, said they'd help with his villainy and keep him on his toes. He wasn't wrong about that, but they certainly weren't helping with anything else.
He reminisced on this for a while, forgetting his dilemma of where to go, and zoning out a little. The approaching chatter he'd ignored, or not noticed got louder, turned into sentences, and after a few seconds,
a high-pitched, "Hi Robbie!" bubbled excitedly from the lips of... He turned around. Stephanie.
Robbie opened his mouth. "Whatev-," he spat, or began to. Standing behind Stephanie, was Sportacus. Remembering the cringe-worthy accident they'd had just half an hour ago, he went bright red, covering his face. From what he could see between his fingers, Sportacus was smiling, and blushing a little himself. But that was to be expected, right? Anyone would blush in this situation, right? Right. "I-idiot.." Robbie stuttered, "What do you want?"
"I was wondering if you'd like to come and play Pirates with us? You seemed to have a lot of fun last time we did, and we are again today!"
"So! Pirates?" Sportacus asked, his voice cheery and his expression bright.
This was all too much for poor Robbie Rotten. The kids... wanted to play with him? Stephanie noticed how much he loved playing Pirate Captain? Not to mention, Sportacus was looking at him, smiling, as if their unfortunate incident a few minutes ago had never even happened. He ran away, as fast as his gangly, unathletic legs could carry him, away from the park, down a few streets, out to the field, ducked behind the billboard and down the ladder to his lair, locking it behind him and jumping down the chute.
Someone was running behind him as he went, and they were now banging on the hatch and calling his name (the voice was too muffled for Robbie to tell who it was) but by some miraculous twist of fate he had managed to stay ahead of them the whole way there. He panted, breathlessly, barely believing he'd managed to outrun either Stephanie or Sportacus that huge distance without stopping, and even more surprising, survived it.
Sprawled haphazardly in his fluffy orange chair, limbs splayed out and brain a confused mess, Robbie Rotten fell asleep at precisely two-twenty in the afternoon from sheer exhaustion.
He woke up again, five minutes later, to the loud clanging sound of the hatch opening. He had just enough time to think "Didn't I lock that..?" before the breath was knocked out of him by the hard, heavy body of a falling Sportacus.
~
"Beep-beep-beep," went something, "beep-beep-beep,". Robbie felt the weight transfer from spread out across him to just his chest as Sportacus sat up.
"Someone's in trouble!" echoed around the metal walls of the lair in a determined whisper. Robbie saw Sportacus look down at his purple-clad legs in shock. From behind Sportacus's... oh god, it was his butt (again) Robbie could see him go a delicate pink, cover his mouth and gingerly clamber off of the chair, staring rather intensely at Robbie's legs. At least, Robbie was pretty sure it was his legs. What else would it be, the floor?
"What are you doing in my house, Sportaloon? You're trespassing, you know, and I locked that hatch!" Robbie complained.
"Yes, um, sorry Robbie!" Sportacus really could not seem to pry his eyes away from Robbie's legs. He knew he looked fabulous in these pants, but still. "You ran off, and Stephanie was worried she'd offended you! So I went after you! Sorry I broke your lock, I was really worried about you! We, um, both were!" Sportacus stumbled over the last bit, still pink with embarrassment.
"You? The flip-floppity, do-gooding hero of Lazy Town, worried about me? I call bullshit." growled Robbie, contempt in his words but sadness in his eyes. He hated talking like this, being like this, living like this. He just couldn't be nice. However hard he tried, however mind-blowingly hot he found he sports elf he was talking to, however much he wanted Sportacus to grab him and spin him round and kiss him hard for hours and- Robbie mentally slapped himself. Kiss Sportacus? Not likely.
"Robbie? Hello? Are you okay? Robbie!" Sportacus said anxiously, shaking him.
"I'm perfectly fine, Sportaloser." Robbie spat, articulating a little too much for his speech to seem anything but forced.
"Sorry," said Sportacus, "I was talking and you started, well, writhing around is the best way I know to put it..." he trailed off, clearly noticing the look of shock plastered over Robbie's face. Robbie was mortified. He, Villain Number One, had thought about kissing his arch-nemesis, and worse still, had been writhing around while doing so! His face went bright red in moments, and even more so when he saw Sportacus grin. That infuriating blue elf was smiling, at poor, defenceless Robbie in this vulnerable state!
"N-no I didn't..!" Robbie protested, "I, um, I had a bad dream, idiot!" Sportacus just smiled again.
"If you say so, Robbie!" said Sportacus, careful not to make Robbie any more uncomfortable than he quite clearly already was. "Well, now I know you're alright I think you probably want me out of here?" he said kindly.
"No! Sta-" Robbie mentally slapped himself again, and collected his thoughts. "I mean yes, Sportadummy. Now out of my sight!"
With that, Sportacus nodded, waved goodbye to a still bright red Robbie, dabbed, and climbed out of the lair. Robbie breathed a sigh of relief. He then realised he was still, after that whole ordeal, spread uncomfortably over his chair. Getting into a more normal position in his chair, he glanced downwards. Oh dear. So that was what Sportacus was looking at.
Robbie waited until he was sure Sportacus was firmly out of earshot, and screamed. Embarrassment? Rage? Or something else? Who knew. But he let out a long, shrill shriek which bounced and echoed off the hard metal walls and back to his ears in a primeval sound of pure, unbridled frustration.
~
Robbie lay, newly exhausted, not on the chair but the floor of his lair after dealing with the embarrassing problem he'd had. His arm hurt, his back hurt and he really regretted not just waiting it out. He knew he couldn't keep denying his feelings for Sportacus much longer, but he almost felt he had to. A villain, fantasising about a hero, worse, his nemesis, was entirely unheard of.
So it didn't happen! He was just thinking about... about Sportacus leaving Lazy Town! Yes, that was right. He was thinking about Sportacus having to leave Lazy Town, and got a little carried away. Makes perfect sense.
"Oh, who the hell am I kidding?" sighed Robbie dramatically, still lying on the floor, "I'm head over heels in love with the man I'm supposed to loathe. What in the fuck is wrong with me?" He pushed himself up, resting his head against the side of the chair. "He probably doesn't even like men! And even in the slim chance he does, why would he want to date me, over all the fine pieces of ass in the sea? He just wouldn't!"
Robbie decided that what he needed was a good ol' cup of heavily sweetened coffee. He knew he hadn't sweated his way over to the corner store, in the scalding heat this morning for nothing! So he stood up, with some difficulty, and set out towards the kitchen. Taking the pot of instant coffee grounds from the bag on the counter and spooning out probably more than he needed into the cup, his thoughts wandered back to Sportacus and Stephanie.
No, no, just Stephanie. And the other kids.
Robbie wondered what would have happened if he had gone to play with them, pouring a little milk into the cup and absentmindedly pushing it into his Coffee-Maker 6000. Probably another embarrassing moment, and he'd run off and it'd all be for nothing. Or maybe, he might have had fun. He did when they didn't know it was him, and who knows, it could have been the same if he'd gone today.
Robbie felt almost bad, he'd probably disappointed the kids by not showing up today, and despite his mean exterior he hated seeing children cry. He decided he'd go up and say sorry, after he'd drank his- DING! His thoughts were interrupted by the loud indication his coffee was done. He pulled it out of the machine, gingerly as it was still hot, and plop, plop, plop, plop, plop - five sugars.
Robbie watched the sugar bob up and down, melt slightly and sink to the bottom. He waited a moment, and gave the coffee a quick stir. It had melted entirely, and he gave it a quick sip. It tasted odd, but coffee is coffee, at least to him, and he downed it in a few swigs. Ah, that was better.
Feeling the effects of the coffee begin the take hold, Robbie strolled over to the exit, humming the tune of "Master of Disguise" to himself. As he climbed his way up the ladder, he began to have second thoughts about going to talk to the kids. What if he ended up just being mean to them like he always did? Then they'd never want to play with him again! He hated only wearing a disguise once, and he had put a lot of time and effort into the Rottenbeard costume. It would be such a shame to not use it again.
Robbie dragged himself out the top of the hatch, and stood up, brushing the dirt off his gangly legs. He stretched, wincing a little bit and headed off towards the sports field. He assumed that was where the brats would be playing.
~
Where were they? Robbie was standing, puzzled, in the middle of the field, without a child in sight. Usually this would be a blessing, as the little brats were usually everywhere and extremely loud, too, but on the one occasion he was looking for them, they were nowhere to be found.
"Just my luck..." he muttered, grumpily. "Next thing I'll know, Sportacus will show up and-"
"Hi Robbie!" He spun around. There stood Sportacus, grinning nervously and swaying side to side.
"Oh, why me?" thought Robbie. Or, at least he thought he thought. Sportacus looked hurt. "Oh, shit... did I say that out loud?" Sportacus nodded, but Robbie ignored him. "So, Sportanerd, what do you want?"
"Oh, um, I just saw you and thought I'd say hi!" Sportacus replied. Robbie felt a little sad seeing how visibly uncomfortable he was, but knew he'd never be able to say that out loud.
"Well, you've said hi. Surely there must be something else you wanted, it's never just to say hi." Robbie said gruffly. "Spit it out."
"So, Robbie!" Sportacus smiled, clearly wanting to change the subject. "What brings you up here?"
"Well, I... I, um..." Robbie stuttered, finding it difficult to voice his not-so-evil intentions. "I wanted to apologise to the kids, for not playing Pirates with them. I felt kind of ba- I mean, I thought it was necessary."
"It's great to see you thinking about the feelings of others, Robbie! They'r-" Robbie cut him off.
"Hey, I never said that, Sportaloser! I only do what's in my own best interests! I'm a bad person!" At least in this case, it wasn't a lie. It was in his best interests to get rid of that little bit of bad feeling that he might have disappointed the brats.
"I don't believe that! Everyone can be a good person if they try, even you!" Sportacus chimed, "Anyways, they're still playing by the beach if you want to join them!" he added.
"Um, thanks, I guess..." Robbie murmured. "I will. I need to get at least one more use out of that costume."
"That's great!" Sportacus beamed. "I'll see you later?"
"Um, yeah." Robbie responded. "I mean, I'm sure we'll cross paths again. Don't get your hopes up." He headed off back to his lair to get changed.
~
And... done! The last bit of beard was finally properly stuck to Robbie's chin. That had taken him longer than he would have liked, but it was done, and- he peered in the mirror- he looked pretty damn fabulous if he said so himself. He'd forgotten how much he liked this costume.
Stuffing a slice of cake into his mouth as he climbed, since he hadn't eaten all day, Robbie pulled himself up the ladder and out the hatch. He set off at a brisk pace, already in character, down lane after road after lane. He was exhausted by the time he got to the beach, but he still managed to croak out a tired "Ahoy, mateys!" to the kids, who were still playing.
"Robbie!" Stephanie shrieked, running up to him and putting her arms around his waist. He felt a little uncomfortable but sort of safe, knowing there was someone who enjoyed his company. But she's probably faking it for the others, Robbie thought, and mentally slapped himself. Self-depreciation has no place in my thoughts, he told himself, although I'm pretty much built around it at this point.
"Guys! Guys! Robbie's come to play with us!" Stephanie chattered excitedly, "He's Rottenbeard! Yar har!" One of the other kids smiled, one groaned and Trixie even face-palmed. Robbie waved.
"So, what have you scurvy lads been up to?" Robbie asked, unsure of what to say.
"Well, we've been wading in the sea," Ziggy began to explain, "and, and, Stephanie sung a song, and we built a raft, and, and, we, um, ate some sportscandy, aand we went out on the raft, and Trixie got a bit wet, but there were no sharks!" he babbled excitedly.
"Okay, okay. That's enough." Robbie cut him off. He was surprised he hadn't been mean yet, but then again he'd only been there five minutes. "What should we do now?" he quizzed.
"Well," said Trixie, "We were going to make Ziggy walk the plank, but he's too scaaared! So maybe you could walk it instead, Rottenbeard?"
Robbie scoffed. "Fu- I mean, screw that! I'm your captain, aren't I? You can't make me walk the plank!"
"Well, you can't be the captain if you don't have the doubloons! And they're mine! So I must be the captain!" Stingy butted in, rudely. "I say you should walk the plank!
"Well, I say we should vote! Should Rottenbeard be captain, or walk the plank?" Stephanie piped, trying her best to make Robbie feel okay whilst playing with them, although most of the kids clearly didn't like having him around. The others nodded. "So! Hands up for Rottenbeard to be our Pirate Captain!" Stephanie put her hand up, and shook her head knowingly when all the others did was laugh. Only Ziggy wavered his hand away from his side, but the peer pressure got too much for him and he put his hand down, looking apologetically at Stephanie.
"And, um, votes for him to walk the plank?" she called, shooting Robbie a pained I tried kind of look. Everyone else put their hands up, and Stingy stuck his tongue out. "Okay then, plank it is! Come with me, Rottenbeard!" She led Robbie over to a cobbled-together driftwood raft with a thick bit of wood off the side clearly meant to symbolise the plank. He was sure it wouldn't support his weight. The brats flocked around, exited to see the town villain get wet.
Robbie cautiously stepped onto the raft as Stephanie pushed it into the two-inch deep water's edge. Trixie and Stingy pointed their balloon swords at him. He felt a little threatened, although they were only balloons, and stepped backwards, slipped on the wet sand, and fell onto the raft. The water was so shallow that the raft, completely unequipped to carry the weight of a grown man, however lean and undernourished, fell to the sand instantly. A relatively huge splash for the amount of water he was sitting in came up onto the raft, soaking through his trousers and into his boots.
"Fuck, fuck, ouch, fuck it's cold, shit, fuck!" Robbie cursed in pain and shock. Stephanie tapped him on the shoulder, looking pointedly at a luckily oblivious Ziggy, but Robbie ignored her. "Ouch, fuck, fuck fuck fuck, shit, fuuuck..."
"Aren't you going to get up, Rottenbeard?" teased Trixie, and rightly so. He pushed himself up, wincing as he put weight on his likely sprained right arm, and dripping from the waist down.
"Are you alright, Robbie?" Stephanie asked, eyes full of concern.
"No, I'm not alright." Robbie spat. Great, fifteen minutes in and he'd been mean to someone. If he was honest with himself, it was probably a record. "I've soaked my costume and probably bruised my coccyx thanks to you little brats. I'm going home." He knew their noise would probably be projected down to him but at least he'd be able to dry off in private, if not in peace.
"Oh, and have you hurt your arm? I saw you wince when you were getting up!" she added.
"Yup. I have. I'm leaving now, okay?" Robbie responded.
"But Robbie, I'm worried! How did you hurt it?" Stephanie did sound worried, even his strong sense of self-depreciation couldn't deny that. But she's this nice to everyone.
"You really, and I mean really don't want to know that. Trust me on this one." Robbie replied gruffly. Trixie raised her eyebrows, and Stephanie gave her a dirty look, but Robbie raised his back, nodding.
"Trixie, what are you laughing at?" Stephanie asked her friend.
"I know how Robbie hurt his arm!" she said, in a jokingly sweet manner, poking her tongue out again.
"Christ, kid! How old are you, like six, right? Where are your parents?" Robbie asked incredulously.
"Me? I'm nine, ten in October! And my mom's at work, I think." Trixie replied cheekily.
"Ten?" Robbie was shocked.
"Nine!" Trixie chirped, upping the cheek to new heights.
"I'm six!" said Ziggy, who had made his way over and clearly had no idea what they were talking about, "And, and when I'm seven, guess what! I'll be old enough to ride the, the, um, rollercoasters!" he made a movement with his hands, clearly trying to emulate a rollercoaster's motion.
"Right. I need to go dry off." Robbie said bluntly.
"Okaaay," chimed the kids, other than Stingy, who was a few meters away and stroking a golden coin. He stalked off, still sopping wet, but looked over his shoulder just in time to see Trixie whisper something into Stephanie's ear, to which she burst out with a loud,
"TRIXIE! I thought you said you were gay! You can't know that!"
They sure do grow up fast.
~
Robbie couldn't sleep. It was only a quarter-to-one, nothing to write home about, but he had a feeling it'd be far later when he'd actually fall asleep, if at all. He decided he'd use the computer. However, as he made his way over to where it was charging, in the semi-darkness he walked right into his periscope. Stars, stars like he'd never seen before dotted the blue-black sky like lanterns in the deep.
"Woah..." Robbie mumbled in awe, "I've gotta go see this myself."
The periscope's cameras hadn't done it justice. They were beautiful, sparkling in the clear, crisp night, not a breath of wind in the air or a cloud in the sky. There really weren't a lot of things Robbie felt he could really appreciate like a normal person, but this was certainly one of them. Sportacus was probably another. He cringed. Now was really not the time to be thinking about Sportacus.
Robbie lay, spread-eagled and awestruck on the grass and stared up at the gorgeous sky. As if that wasn't good enough, a shooting-star zipped vertically across his vision, fiery and majestic. He was glad he wasn't able to sleep tonight. His attention was so wholly focused on the sky that he didn't notice the little panting pajama-clad girl beside him until she tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey, Robbie..." Stephanie wheezed, clearly out of breath, "You can't sleep either?" she asked.
"What? Um, yeah. What are you doing over here?" he responded.
"Oh, I was watching the sky from my window and I saw a shooting-star! I chased it all the way here but I stopped because I wanted to talk to you!" Stephanie answered cheerily, still a bit out of breath.
"Kid." began Robbie, "You do know there is no way to catch a goddamn meteor. And even if there was, it'd melt your hands off!" he said bluntly.
"Well, yeah..." mumbled Stephanie "And what's a meteor? That was a shooting-star!" She sounded confused.
"They're the same thing." Robbie replied, "Just a different name." He struggled to think of something to say. "Um, so. Why can't you sleep? Is it because of your parents?"
"I guess it probably is," said Stephanie seriously, "but I'm still kind of in shock, so I'm not that sad for now. But hey, I get to stay in Lazy Town for even longer! I was really sad about that." She smiled weakly, biting her lip.
"Listen, even if you're in shock right now, you will come to eventually, and it will be hard. Unfortunately, I know from experience." Robbie uttered.
"Hm?" Stephanie sounded, "Go on! Um, I mean, you don't have to, if you don't want to!" she apologised.
"No, it's okay" Robbie replied. "It's been long enough that I can talk about it. Not that I've tried. My dad could still be around, probably in prison, but I haven't seen him in a good twelve years. My mom died when I was your age, maybe a bit older." He stopped. "Sorry, I'm rambling. You probably don't want to hear an old man talk about his shitty dad for however damn long."
"You're not that old!" exclaimed Stephanie.
"Oh really? How old am I, then?" Robbie replied jokingly.
"You're like... thirty? Right?" she guessed.
"Twenty-eight. Close enough." he answered.
"Yeah! You're not as old as my uncle, so you're not that old!" she giggled.
"How old's your uncle? He's got to be at least sixty. If that's your measure of 'old' right now, let me tell you that will change. You'll start calling yourself old soon." Robbie laughed alongside her. It really was strange, feeling so comfortable alongside Stephanie. She knew that his schemes were the only reason Sportacus could stay in Lazy Town, and their friendship had grown from the first time she'd gone to thank him for the fact.
"So, go on, unless you don't want to! About your parents, I mean." Stephanie said encouragingly.
"If you insist," Robbie told her, "but I think it'd be better if you talk yourself, you know. Since I've had twelve years, and you've only had a day. To get used to it, I mean."
"Oh, um, okay! Good idea! I'll talk about, oh what should I talk about..." she trailed off into thought. "About the old dance school, maybe? We had a dance school back home, until last year, it closed down, I think for health and safety reasons, the building was a bit crumbly but it was really fun!" Robbie let her talk. He felt it was good for Stephanie to get something out, even if it wasn't what he'd expected her to want to talk about.
"So that's why I didn't have any real friends back home." Stephanie concluded. Robbie nodded, pretending to have heard. "But now I'm here, I have Ziggy, Pixel, Stingy, Trixie, Sportacus and you! And I know I'm your only friend, so I'm determined to get you more! Who do you want to be your friend, Robbie? I can get them to talk to you!"
Robbie went red, and even in the low light, the stars illuminated his face enough for Stephanie to see. "Well, um, there is someone..." he said. Stephanie raised her eyebrows.
"Ooh! Robbie, you don't have a cruush, do you?" she teased.
"What makes you think I'm going to answer that!" Robbie sputtered nervously.
Stephanie ignored him, "I think I know who it iiiis!" she giggled. "Is it Sportacus?"
Robbie flushed completely red. "N-no! Why on earth would you think that?" Stephanie gave him a knowing look, and he subsided. "Yes. Yes it is. Happy now?" he said, defeated. "You are not to tell him, okay? I'm serious."
"Ohh my god! I'm getting more and more gay friends by the minute! This is amazing! she grinned. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. I won't tell him, but I might have to help!"
Robbie smiled back "Well, I suppose I wouldn't be opposed to that," he said, failing to hide an ecstatic tone from his voice. "But please, don't be too obvious. That's just as bad as outright telling him." He couldn't believe it. He'd said it out loud! And Stephanie was going to help him? He wasn't quite sure what that would entail, but it at least seemed like it would make a positive difference.
"Yay, that's great!" Stephanie cheered. "I'll, um, ask him to meet you or something?"
"I don't think that'll help." said Robbie. "By the way, what do you mean more gay friends? If it was just Trixie and I, that phrasing wouldn't make a lot of sense, and you're a grammatically advanced kid. Who else is gay, is it one of the boys?" he quizzed.
"Oh!" Stephanie exclaimed, "It's Sportacus, duh! Didn't I... wait, I didn't." Robbie blinked heavily, shocked. "Um, that's good, right? Robbie?" She shook him out of his dazed state.
"What..." he mumbled, jaw flapping in shock, "What are the chances of that..." Well then, that narrowed the field down to the one-hundred-twenty-five million gay and bisexual men on the planet that Sportacus would obviously prefer over him. Robbie had learnt this pointless piece of trivia a few weeks ago and was pretty proud of himself for remembering it. This news also made his run-in with him all the more awkward now he knew just why and where Sportacus had been staring.
"Can't a man watch the stars for a while? Without being interrupted by any little pink balls of energy, and all these, these damn revelations?" Robbie complained, sort-of jokingly.
Stephanie got up. "Okay, well! Now you can! I'm going off to bed, it's really really really late and I don't want to be tired when I go play tomorrow morning! Bye, Robbie! See you soon!" she called over her shoulder as she briskly strolled back towards her house, waving as she went. Robbie stared upwards at the stars, watching them glitter in the still-dark sky. Somehow they had lost a bit of their charm, now that his mind was muddled and preoccupied with thoughts of Sportacus. He didn't stop watching them, though, and after at least an hour of laying there, doing nothing other than think, the stars began to fade, the darkness began to recede, and Robbie finally slipped, still outside on the grass, into a dream-filled sleep.