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“Dad,” Hiccup groaned, rubbing his forehead at the man in front of him. They were having their weekly lunch meeting, this time in a seafood area, because no matter how much steak Stoick loved to eat, there’s just something about fish that really brought back his childhood.
(Hiccup genuinely thought this meant that back when Stoick lived in a town in all its green plainness, he helped his family by gathering fish. As in, with his bare hands. Or maybe even his mouth. Like a bear.)
"I’m serious, Hiccup," Stoick persisted. "You’re fully a man now—" ("Dad, I’m 22!") "—and the last time you were with someone was before you went through college. This isn’t healthy living."
"It’s fine, dad," he groused, "I’m not gonna die because I’m happily single."
"It’s a lonely life," Stoick interjected.
“No, it’s not. I’m not lonely!” Stoick raised a brow skeptically in response. “Yeah, ok a little bit, but—”
"There it is, son," Stoick said, "you’re lonely. It’s time you have someone to go home to. Or at least, someone to be with. Look, Mrs. Hudson’s daughter finally got back from her year-long trip, it’d be nice to have someone go through with her with the changes here. Maybe you two can talk and who knows, maybe she’ll be the one."
"Dad!" Hiccup yelled hysterically. "I don’t want your matchmaking! It’s not as bad as you’re making it. I mean, I technically have someone to go home to. I’m still with Jack. He’s a decent guy and we do fun stuff together. He’s someone I am with.”
"That’s not the same, Hiccup, Jack’s just a friend," Stoick dismissed.
"He’s more than ‘just a friend’, dad, he’s—"
Stoick’s eyes widened at that and Hiccup stopped. He backtracked to what he said and his own eyes widened at the implication and his cheeks flushed bright. But before he could clarify, Stoick had already put his fork, which he’d been holding since the interrogation started, down to his plate.
"…son, are you saying…"
“No, dad, no—that’s not-we’re not—” Hiccup stuttered, hands flailing in denial, and Stoick brought down his hand on Hiccup’s shoulder, in what Hiccup hysterically thought to be in comfort and support.
"Is this why you haven’t been with other people? How long have you two been together?"
"Dad, you don’t understand," Hiccup protested softly.
"No, son, I think I do," Stoick responded gravely. "I accept you. Even if you love a man, you’re still my son. I’m sorry for having ever let you think otherwise."
"Dad," Hiccup said listlessly, voice breathy in horror.
"I’m happy for you, Hiccup." He stared at his boy, face straight in a show of utter seriousness, and then smiling brightly. "I guess there’s no point for Maria, no?"
Hiccup laughed faintly, “no, there’s not.”
The rest of the lunch flowed by in a blur for the younger Haddock. His shock, which had not afforded him to deny Stoick’s conclusions, had worn off a few minutes later but the relief and happiness that had flooded Stoick’s expression, ignoring the hurt that came with it at the possibility that Hiccup thought Stoick might not accept him (which, while not quite true, holds an inkling of it, the only reason why it hasn’t come up in the conversation was because it was something Hiccup realized into college and he hadn’t found the need to share it with his father yet), had kept his mouth shut.
Maybe, he thought, I could just say that for a little bit. Just to get him of my back. Yeah.
Hiccup mentally slapped himself. But it was worth a shot, he could just mention it to Jack and do the charade for a little while, if Jack said no maybe he can tell the truth to Stoick by then, distract him with the fact that hey, Hiccup really did like guys. And they could talk and bond and have a sweet father-and-son talk about bisexuality.
Later, when he came back to the dorm he shared with Jack, Jack turned to him with a smile and greeted, “yo, Hic!” and he steeled himself. (If he paid more attention, he would have noticed the air of nervousness around Jack but he wasn’t, so he didn’t, and so there was nothing he could do.)
"Hey, Jack," Hiccup smiled wobbily, "can I ask you something?"
"Err, uh, yeah!" Jack blinks in response, leaning on his study table with a hand, "what is it?"
"See, the thing is—my dad—he thought—you," Hiccup floundered, hands following the flow with jerky movements and animated fingers. "Uhm, see—that—do you wanna be my boyfriend?”
Jack’s hand slipped through the surface and his books and notebooks, pens and an eraser and a calculator too, fell to the ground. He flailed before dropping to the floor to gather his things with shaky hands and looking up at Hiccup. “Uhm, what—”
"In a totally fake way!" Hiccup continued. "Like, not real. For pretend. Acting. Like we’re a couple. Except we’re really not. Because it’s fake."
Realization dawns on Jack’s eyes and Hiccup watched emotions flash through his face, all of them too fast for him to catch. “Hic, what,” Jack states faintly, voice dying out in his throat.
"Err, it’s just—my dad—he. He was trying to set me up with the daughter of one of his—our—neighbors. And he was telling me how I needed someone to go home to, to be with, and I kinda told him that you were technically that person and," Hiccup felt his face flush deep red and Jack’s own did too, even though Hiccup’s eyes were looking far away, "and he misunderstood and I kinda let him think you were my boyfriend? I mean, if it’s ok with you! It’d only be for a short while! Just to get him off my back. Then you can totally dump me. Fake dump me. Because we’re not really together." Hiccup’s voice faded, but he shook his head and looked back at Jack. "I mean, if it’s okay?"
He watched Jack stare at him, mouth opening and closing every now and then. Finally, Jack cleared his throat and smiled hesitantly at Hiccup, “as long as it’s fake, right? Can’t be too bad.”
Hiccup nodded vigorously, “yeah, yup! Totally fake. Not real at all. Nothing too bad!”
Jack ducked his head to finally pick up his school stuff. “Right! Then there’s no problem.”
(Much later, when Hiccup wasn’t going to be able to hear his conversation, Jack quickly called a certain rainbow-haired friend of his.
"Hey, Jack!" Tiana answered. "How did it go?"
"Hiccup—he’s—kind of—my boyfriend?" Jack said in reply, voice halting.
"Oh, that’s great, Jack!" she sang, "I told you you had nothing to worry about!"
"Yeah—no—but—he’s my boyfriend—but not really?" Jack bit on his lip, "He asked me in a fake relationship."
"Oh," Tiana breathed. "Jack, that’s…"
"Yeah," Jack’s lips twisted. "It’s—something about his dad. His dad was trying to matchmake. He, uhmm, well Stoick suddenly thought we were together, I don’t know, but Hiccup thought it would get him off his back and. He emphasized on the fake part."
"Oh, Jack, well maybe—"
"And I kinda answered, ‘as long as it’s fake, right?’"
"Jack!"
Jack groaned at hit his head on the nearby wall. “I know. I’m so stupid. Now I get to put my face on his face but it’s gonna be fake and I’m never going to be able to put my face on his face for real because I told Hiccup that as long as it’s fake it’s ok to put our faces together I want his face on mine and mean it.”
"Jack," Tiana interrupted tightly, clearing trying to stop the chuckles.
"Shut up," he said bitingly, and maybe a little mournfully.
All was silent for a few minutes.
"Well," Tiana drawled hesitantly, "you could always say, ‘hey I know we said fake but it’d totally be better for real.’"
Jack hit his head again and cried. The worst part was he probably really would say that. If he could. To Hiccup’s face.)