Work Text:
tyler sits in his well-worn black rolling chair. his hands are clasped in front of him, resting on his desk. he wants to write. he wants to, he really does. but he can't in a way anyone understands.
he picks up his pen and tries again.
'the look she was given a look that felt not unlike the trickling of water down one's arm--'
no. no, too.. formal. detailed. this was supposed to be an essay.
tyler tries many more times. but after countless attempts, he still can't get it right. what's the use? nobody ever understands him, not even his own family.
"you know I can't understand the riddles you speak in, tyler, please, use regular words. how am I supposed to understand what you mean when you say 'my hair is just too rainy'?" his father would say. they didn't get it. they weren't open enough. they didn't see.
"tyler?" his mother's voice punctures a hole in his mind. he turns in his rolling chair to see her standing in the doorway of his bedroom.
"yeah, mom?" he answers. he is captivated by the reflection the light makes on her dangly earrings. it makes her look like a mermaid, the way it shines. but her expression is different. not like a mermaid. like a tropical storm. tyler decides that mermaids and tropical storms aren't a good combination. "yeah?" he repeats.
"your father and I are going to go watch your sister's play," she says, looking at him, but not quite. like she doesn't want to look at him, but he's her son, so she has to.
"oh," tyler mumbles, looking to his shoes. they're muddy and stormy, loud when he walks on hardwood.
"and since you've decided you don't want to go, because it's-" she makes air-quotes with her spiderweb fingers "'-too fiery, too much like lightning bugs on a summer evening,' whatever that means, you're gonna have to go over to the neighbour's house, so they can watch you."
tyler knows she's upset, but it won't last for long. his mother's upset because she can't understand the cobwebs that erupt from him mouth every time he tries to say things. it's not her fault, he tries to tell himself. but sometimes he wants to think it is.
"why do I have to? I'm 19. I'm old enough to stay by myself," he mutters, looking back up at her. the storm in her face starts to get calmer. he can see the waters becoming still in her eyes.
"tyler, the last time we left you alone.." her voice cracks like thin ice, "..last time.." she stops. tyler understands what she means by 'last time'.
"okay," he blurts quickly, not wanting the tears to crawl out of the prison of her eyes. he hates it when his mother cries. it makes her sound like her mouth is stuffed with cotton balls, like she's lost in the desert and can't find her way home. tyler hates it.
"we'll take you over there," she says, the crack in her voice steadily being mended, "be down in ten minutes, okay?"
tyler nods, silent. he doesn't go out much. the last neighbour they had was an old woman by the name of.. he didn't remember, but she smelled like march snow, and he liked that. she went on. beneath the ground. beneath the sun.
tyler didn't know who lived in her house now. he never cared to find out.
he puts on a yellow hoodie and changes his shoes, from his muddy-stormy ones to the ones that reminded him of freshly mown grass. he looks at himself in the mirror. blinks his dull wooden eyes. he doesn't like the way he looks. too small. too.. not good enough.
not good enough, a voice in his head always tells him.
the voice in his head is the only person that tells him the truth. everyone else lies to him. everyone else tells him that he's perfect the way he is. but he knows it's lies. the voice told him.
he steps out from his bathroom and heads down the stairs, the beating heart sound of his feet on the stairs taking his mind off of his thoughts.
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tyler and his family sits in the car. his dad's driving. it's quiet. the only thing tyler can hear is the whispering of the light rain as it jumps from the clouds. he doesn't like the rain. it makes him sad. and it was cliche.
the car glides to a stop in their neighbour's driveway. they weren't next door neighbours. they were more like 4 miles away neighbours. but this neighbour was the closest one they had.
tyler sits there for awhile, not willing to get out. he wasn't very social. he hadn't had a real conversation with someone outside of his family in awhile. he was nervous.
"tyler," his dad says, impatience dribbling on his voice like paint, "get out, we can't wait all day."
tyler sighs. his dad was right. he pushed open the car door. the sound reminded him of the swinging of a tire swing. (a/n what did you think it was gonna be)
"bye," he mutters, his internal speaker on low volume. the car slides out of the driveway. tyler watches the gleam of his mother's mermaid earrings and tropical storm face until he can't see either of them anymore. then he approaches the door. he can hear a slight boom boom crash from inside. it was a nice beat, and for awhile, tyler found himself getting lost in the melodic sound, like the smell of wet stones.
he remembers why he was there in the first place, and knocks on the door. no one came, and he could still hear the boom boom crash. he knocks louder. thunder clap knocks. the sound stops. he listens to the pitter-patter of the person's footsteps that were in sync with the pitter-patter of the rain, getting harder still.
the door swooshes open, revealing a guy with bright yellow hair. summertime hair, tyler thought. he fought the urge to touch it. summertime hair. it probably felt like daisy petals. his eyes were brown like tyler's, but.. prettier. not wooden. more like the earth. summertime hair and earth eyes..
"hey, tyler, right?" he asks, giving tyler a sunshine smile.
tyler nods. he was struck dumb. this boy.. this boy was so beautiful.
"nice to meet you, tyler." he says. tyler's name sounds so right on his neighbour's cherry blossom lips. "I'm joshua. but I'd prefer if you called me josh."
"josh," tyler says, testing out the name. it bounces around in his vocal chords, resonating in his head.
"yeah." josh smiles. tyler has only known this person for 2 minutes and he already wants to write about him. maybe a song.
"wanna come in?" josh asks, widening the door for tyler. tyler hesitantly steps inside. he's always felt uncomfortable in other people's homes. he didn't know what was okay and what wasn't. he scans the room. the lights weren't too bright. he liked that. bright light made you see other people differently. he didn't know how to explain it. it blurred out all the important stuff.
josh steps beside him, "it's okay to sit down, you know. why are you so scared?"
tyler turns his head, facing josh. he smells like autumn and cotton candy. "I don't want to do something wrong. I don't want to make you stormy."
josh grins, motioning him to sit on the couch, "trust me, it's fine. okay?"
tyler nods, perching on the couch. then it hits him. "do you.. understand?"
josh sits beside tyler, a little close, but tyler doesn't mind. "understand what?"
tyler furrows his eyebrows. "do you understand what I mean.. by stormy? no one ever does."
josh nods, "like, upset, right? I get that."
tyler furrows his brows even more, "really?"
"really." and then, "hey, don't do that, you'll get premature wrinkles."
"do what?" tyler asks, confused.
"you're wrinkling your eyebrows." josh reaches out and smooths the creases out with his thumb. "you don't wanna look old yet, do you?"
tyler shrugs, "I don't care.." he was caught off guard by the way josh's touch felt on his skin. pine cone-y.
josh smiles. his eyes crinkle at the corners. sunshine. "that's something I've never heard anyone say."
tyler shrugs again, saying nothing. they sit like that, for awhile. then tyler turns to josh and studies him.
"tyler?" josh asks after a few moments.
"oh, uh, yeah?" tyler asks, suddenly embarrassed. his mother had always told him in her seashell scraping voice that it was not polite to stare. "sorry."
"it's fine."
"no, I don't mean to stare it's just.. I really like your summertime hair." tyler casts his eyes to his lap.
josh brings a hand up to his messy hair, twisting a lock of it around his index finger. "I've always though of it as winter-y."
tyler's eyes widen fractionally, "how?"
"well I mean, it's kinda limp and pl-" josh begins. tyler cuts him off.
"no, no, I mean, how do you know what I mean? I'm not using regular words. to everyone else, it's like.. when I open my mouth, cobwebs and flies come out.."
josh leans forward, and it's almost unnoticeable. "I dunno. it's like.. I can hear a second voice. like, your inner self, I guess. like, I can read your mind? of course, not literally, but, you know."
tyler laughs, a rare thing. he's always hated his laugh. because the voice told him that it was ugly. "second voice?" it couldn't be more true.
"it's like, you speak in riddles because you're trying to hide from yourself. maybe I'm just reading into things too much. I mean, I barely know you." josh smiles awkwardly, with one side of his mouth. that smile makes his cherry blossom lips look fuller.
tyler bites his lip, digging his nails into his jeans. "that's kind of.. right."
josh leans back, "I know the feeling. I just wanna let you know.. don't give into it. it doesn't have the power to take you down. it won't."
tyler squeezes his eyes shut. the voice was the only one who knew of tyler's insecurities. the only one who told him the truth. and even if he didn't like those truths, at least they weren't lies. he absentmindedly pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands.
"you don't know that for sure," tyler mutters. his voice tearing, like a rope with too much weight on the other end. slowly but surely.
"trust me, I know." josh says, his voice like rustling leaves.
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tyler wakes up in his room the next day. he must have fallen asleep at josh's.
he sits up in his bed, the shining sun exploding through the window, trying to break the glass. it was too bright. it reminded him of josh.
josh, josh. he'd just barely met him, but he couldn't stop thinking of bright hair and wild eyes. tyler learned that josh could play the drums, too. and he could understand tyler. and he knew about the voice.
he wanted to see josh again. was this his first friend?
he was wearing the clothes he'd been wearing the night before. he really needed to take a shower. if he didn't his mother would turn into a fearsome hurricane.
he steps into the shower. turns it on. he doesn't like showers. it's where the voice reaches him the easiest, it's--
so, josh? got a crush, tyler?
"no, stop. go away. don't ruin this for me."
I'm only telling the truth. why don't you accept it? josh was only nice to you because he knows about the incident. he only pretended to act like he understood that your world was ending.
"go away!" tyler practically shouts. his lungs are a forest fire.
there's no way you can get rid of me.
tyler's eyes dart around the shower before something shiny and silver catches his eye. he grabs it. if he couldn't talk the voice out, he'd bleed it out.
he pushes the razor blade deep in the skin of his left wrist, pulling it swiftly. he watches as the blood slowly wells up from the thin cut. line, dot dot, line. it's like the voice is trying to speak to him with morse code. tyler makes more cuts, so many more that he can barely even see skin. he watches as the blood drips into the water, swirling. tiny rose petals colouring the tub.
finally, he collapses, hitting his head on the back of the tub.
I've won, the voice screeches.
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tyler dreams of sunshine smiles and of earth eyes. he dreams of summertime hair and pine cone fingers. of cherry blossom lips and a voice like rustling leaves. of daisy petals and trees.
then he wakes up. at first he thinks it's the sun in his eyes, but then realises that it's fake lights. volcano bright.
he blinks a few times, trying to get a sense of his surroundings. he hears voices.
"there were so many red flags, chris! why didn't you see? he was trying to communicate as best as he could! there were signals! why didn't you see?! why didn't I see?!" sobbing. cotton ball tears. mother.
then another voice. one that tyler wants to hear more than any other.
"tyler?"
josh.
tyler looks to his left, where josh sits in a plastic chair. his face is a rain cloud filled with rain.
"yeah?" tyler sighs. it's more like a whisper. his voice is weak. the rope finally tore.
"hey," josh whispers. the expression on his face makes tyler want to cry. he didn't mean to do this.
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry josh.." tyler says. sandpaper scrapes down his throat.
"it's okay. you're still here. it's okay." josh says soothingly. his eyes dart down to tyler's wrist. many of the cuts needed stitches.
tyler notices josh looking, so he does too. "I didn't--"
josh looks at tyler, his eyes glazing over. a stream of tears runs down his cheek. a waterfall of emotions sliding down what once was a sunshine smile.
"I just wanted to die so bad.." tyler sobs. "there's no difference, between living and death. they're both.. so empty. no one understands! no one.. no one understands.."
josh looks at tyler, absorbs all he is. "that may be true but.. the only difference is.." he swallows, licks his cherry blossom lips. "the only difference is when we live.. we have to try. and it might not be easy.. but it's all we can do."
tyler bites his tongue. meets josh's eyes. and for the first time since they met, he can see josh. under his summertime hair and earth eyes, his sunshine smile and cherry blossom lips, he knows that josh has a voice too.
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tyler is still in the hospital three days later. josh has come to visit everyday. today he brought flowers. his parents came everyday, too. his siblings once.
josh sits beside him, on his left side, in the same plastic chair.
the stitches were removed from tyler's arm that morning. the bandages too. pale scars and not-so-deep cuts eerily decorated the inside of his wrist.
"thanks again, for the daisies." tyler says. his voice is stronger now.
"they seemed like something you'd like." josh shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck.
tyler blushes. josh could read him so easily, like he was a book with really big font.
"your hair," tyler says.
josh's hand flies up to his head, tugging at his hair. he just dyed it blue. "why, does it look bad? I knew this colour wouldn't suit me I--"
"no, no!" tyler says. "I like daisies, because they remind me.. of your hair."
josh brings his hand back onto his lap and sighs, "oh. okay."
tyler leans toward josh, holding out his arm. he runs his hand through josh's blue hair. josh closes his eyes. tyler does this a few more times. it's so soft. better than daisy petals. better than anything he's ever felt.
then he realises what he's doing, and starts to pull his hand back. keep your hands to yourself, his mother always told him.
josh catches his wrist and opens his eyes. tyler allows himself to stare at them. they're so intricate, like.. like a song.
"it's okay," josh says, his voice oddly deeper. like skipping stones on calm waters.
tyler blushes, looking at his lap. the pine cone touch of josh's hand sends parades of static down his arm.
josh gently pulls tyler closer. his gaze falls back to tyler's wrist. scarred and scratched and messed up. he presses his lips to one of the scars.
tyler's eyes widen, and his breathing quickens. there's a hurricane in his chest, his heart is shouting poetry.
"you're so lovely.." josh whispers against tyler's wrist. tyler can feel every movement of his cherry blossom lips, every hush of his breath.
"josh.."
"tyler joseph," josh breathes, kissing scar after scar, gluing back the pieces of tyler's mind with cherry blossom breath.
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it is the fourth day of being hospitalized. tyler doesn't know why they're keeping him here so long. all they had to do was stitch him up. but josh did a better job of doing that than the doctors ever did.
tyler didn't know what was between him and josh. all he knew was that it felt right, despite happening so fast.
today josh brought more daisies. he's so considerate. so perfect.
"josh?" tyler whispers, watching josh's finger trace circles on his palm.
"yeah?" josh looks up at tyler's face.
"what if.. what if the voice comes back? what if.. no one can save me?" tyler bites his lip. the voice is what made him end up in the hospital. the voice was the one that told tyler josh was lying.
josh leans forward and presses his ear to tyler's chest. he closes his eyes for what seems like eternity. tyler's heart was beating so fast. thunder-clap heart beat.
josh opens his his eyes. "tell you what," he begins.
"yeah?"
"if you try to love me, I'll try to save you. no, I will save you. I promise."
tyler's heart sped up, more than it was before. now he was sure the whole hospital could hear it.
"I.. okay."
"and tyler?" josh says, kissing the palm of tyler's hand.
"y-yeah..?" tyler stutters. he was so nervous. he could screw this up.
"if you stayed alive, if you didn't listen to the voice in your head, you'd realize how lovely you are."
"I don't beli-" tyler begins
"I'll make you believe it, tyler." josh cuts tyler off, his eyes singing determination.
"okay."
before tyler could say anything else, josh starts to lean forward.
and for the first time, tyler tastes cherry blossoms.
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tyler was released from the hospital the next day. ever since he got home, his parents had been keeping a close eye on him.
"are you sure you're fine, tyler?" his mother asks him.
"I'm fine, mom. I can drive by myself."
"but, tyler.. I'm scared you'll try to pull something. first, you try to drown yourself, then you cut yourself.. what am I supposed to expect?" her voice breaks.
"mom, I promise, I'm just going to go see josh. I'll have him text you when I get there. it's fine." tyler reassures her. her eyes are glistening with tears, and he can see the thrashing of sadness behind her irises.
"okay, hon, be safe, okay?"
"okay, mom, I promise."
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when tyler arrives at josh's house, he can hear the sound of him playing his drums. it was loud, but soothing.
he steps out of the car and approaches the door. the first time he was here, he didn't even know this boy.. and now? now he was so in love with him, he couldn't even think. they'd only known each other for a week but.. but it felt like a century.
he knocks his thunder-clap knocks, loud enough for josh to hear. listens to the footsteps. smiles when the door opens.
"tyler!" josh cries. tyler could see the happiness in the folds at the corners of his eyes. he'd never made anyone so happy before.
josh pulls tyler into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around tyler's waist and burying his face in his chest. josh was a few inches shorter than tyler, and tyler thought it was cute.
"hey," tyler says, resting his chin on the top of josh's head.
after awhile, josh lets go, letting his fingers trail on tyler's waist as he pulls his arms back.
"come in?" he says, stepping aside to let tyler inside. tyler goes inside and plops on the couch.
thought you could get rid of me forever?
no. no, no. not now. this couldn't happen, not when he was with the only person he's ever loved.
tyler decides to ignore the voice. it'll go away if he acts like it was never there in the first place.
"how're you feeling, tyler?" josh asks, sitting right next to him on the couch. their legs are touching, hip to thigh to ankle. josh throws his arm around tyler's shoulders and kisses him just below his ear.
"good. better. I.."
he doesn't care how you're doing. he's only using you. he doesn't care, doesn't care, doesn't care.
"you what?" josh asks, kissing tyler's cheek, his neck, his shoulder.
"I'm doing okay."
he just wants you to die. he'll lie and lie, and when you find out? you'll die, and he'll be so happy. if you want to make him happy, then just die.
josh stops abruptly, "are you sure? you know you can tell me if you aren't."
tyler smiles the best fake smile he can, "I promise, josh."
josh nods, still slightly skeptical.
he knows you're lying. you're a terrible liar. josh will leave you if you keep lying. just die diediediediedie.
"stop!" tyler shouts, covering his head with his arms and curling up into a ball.
"tyler! tyler, what's wrong? are you okay? is this.. is this not okay? I'm sorry, I'm sorry,"
he hates you! HE HATE SYOU H EHATE S YOU SO MUC! DIEDIE DIEDI E
"I don't want to! stop it! stop lying!" tyler screams, pulling at his hair.
"I'm not.. do you think I'm lying? tyler.." josh's voice broke, "tyler, I love you! I'm so in love with you, dammit!"
WATCH A SHE LIEST O YO U HE JUS TWANTS Y OUTO DIEDIEDIEDIE DIE
"leave me alone! go away! that isn't true!" tyler shrieks, tears rolling down his face like ocean waves, salty and unwanted.
"tyler.. calm down, tyler.." josh slips his hand to the back of tyler's neck and pulls him in close, kissing his soft lips, crying, screaming without anyone hearing.
NON O N ONO NO
"I love you, tyler joseph, I love you, I love you," josh mutters between kisses.
"I.." tyler's head is so full, so full of voices battling, of thoughts and words and feelings, "I love you, josh,"
N ONO NO I NEE D YOU WE'REF RIENDS, REMEM BER? HE' SLYIN G I'M YOU RO NLY FRIEN D
"you're so lovely.." josh mutters, "so, so lovely. please.. don't ever go.. stay alive. for me."
"okay," tyler whispers, pulling josh on top of him, tangling his fingers in his summertime hair.
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