Chapter Text
Your name is ERIDAN AMPORA, and you've recently been rejected by the love of your life.
Now, most trolls would be sad for a week, probably cry for an hour or two after and talk to their moirails about it. Not you. You're not going to be outdone by the weaksauce bunch of wrigglers known as “most trolls.” No, you're Eridan Fuckin' Ampora!
So instead, you weep incessantly for the better part of a week, barely able to eat or drink. It's kinda pathetic, actually. Eventually you stop for just long enough to realize that you haven't even thought about killing all the land dwellers all week. Funny what rejection can do to a troll. That last thought nearly sends you into another fit of abject weeping and self-berating, but just then you hear the faint bloop noise of your husktop as it informs you that someone is trolling you.
Wwhat? Wwhy wwould anyone wwanna talk to me right noww? You ask yourself disconsolately. Can't they just go awway? Another bloop from your husktop answers your question. You sigh, then drag yourself to your desk, crawl into your chair, and affix your computer screen with the most miserable look you can muster. You manage a look between wrathful spite and dejected failure as you look at Trollian to discover that Karkat has trolled you. Not the troll you most want to talk to right now, but frankly, you'll take anyone at the moment.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] --
CG: ERIDAN, ARE YOU THERE?
CG: ERIDAN, SERIOUSLY, IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO STAY IN YOUR HIVE AND WEEP YOURSELF TO AN EARLY FUCKING GRAVE, NO ONE IS GOING TO MISS YOU.
CG: SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL ANSWER ME BETWEEN SOBS, YOU WRETCHED FISH LICKING NOOK SUCKER.
CA: im here kar
CA: wwhat is it
CG: FINALLY, I WAS WORRIED I'D HAVE TO DEAL WITH SPIDERBITCH FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
CA: wwhat vvris contacted you
CG: YES, SHE CONTACTED ME. ONLY EIGHT TIMES OVER THE COURSE OF AN HOUR OR SO.
CG: GOD, I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D PICK HER FOR YOUR BLACK QUADRANT.
CG: THE MISERABLE FISH-DOUCHE AND THE INSUFFERABLE SPIDER-WENCH. CLEARLY A MATCH MADE IN OOZING, PUNGENT, CALIGINOUS HEAVEN.
CA: wwhat did she need
CA: come to think of it wwhyd she talk to you
CG: APPARENTLY YOU MISSED YOUR GAME FOR FUCKING WRIGGLERS.
CG: SHE SEEMED PRETTY PISSED.
CA: oh cod i did didnt i
CA: wwhy didnt she tell me
CG: SHE TRIED, BUT YOU WERE TOO BUSY STEEPED IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN MISERY AND FAILINGS TO NOTICE.
CG: AND FRANKLY, I'M ONLY TELLING YOU TO GET HER OFF MY BONE BULGE. SO SORRY IF I'M KINDA FUCKING SHORT WITH YOU.
CA: its fine
CA: wwait kar
CA: howw did you knoww i wwas upset
CG: OUR FRIENDS ARE SOME OF THE BIGGEST GOSSIPS I'VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF KNOWING. I SWEAR TO GOG, I CANNOT ENGAGE IN A SINGLE MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION WITH ANY OF THEM WITHOUT HAVING STUPID GOSSIP DRIBBLE OUT THEIR PROTEIN CHUTES NOWADAYS.
CA: wwhat are they sayin about me
CA: and wwhos been talkin about me mostly
CG: I HEARD ABOUT IT FROM THAT SWEATY ASSHOLE EQUIUS. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY HE DECIDED TO TROLL ME, BUT IT MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY FUCKING UNIMPORTANT IF YOUR FUCKING QUADRANT-LIFE IS WHAT I PICKED OUT OF THE CONVERSATION.
CG: AS FOR WHAT THEY'RE SAYING ABOUT YOU,
CG: OH, JUST THAT YOUR'E A MISERABLE PIECE OF AQUATIC TOOTH-BEAST SHIT.
CG: BUT DON'T WORRY, MOST OF THEM DON'T GIVE REALLY TWO SHITS THAT YOU FUCKED UP YOUR RED, AND PALE, QUADRANTS. THEY REALLY DON'T.
CA: i didnt mean to
CA: i mean
CA: i hoped
CG: LOOK, WE'LL GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHTENED OUT LATER. RIGHT NOW, I JUST WANT A FUCKING BREAK FROM ALL THE GOSSIP AND DRAMA THAT SEEMS TO HAVE INEXPLICABLY CROPPED UP AROUND ME LIKE FUCKING TROLL-SEEKING WEEDS OR SOMETHING.
CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT WE NEED IS SOMETHING TO GET EVERYONE TO STOP FUCKING AROUND, LIKE SOME KIND OF TEAM-BUILDING EXCERCISE. LIKE SOME KIND OF... IMMERSIVE GAME OR SOMETHING?
CG: FUCK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ANYMORE. MY THINK PAN HAS HAD TOO MUCH OF THIS BY HALF.
CA: alright but promise wwell talk later
CG: YEAH YEAH, I PROMISE ON MY FUCKING UNHATCHED WRIGGLER SPAWN. NOW GO TROLL VRISKA BEFORE SHE BREAKS HER STUPID RULE OF EIGHTS.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA].
In your misery, you had completely forgotten that you had made plans with your kismesis. What's worse is that you hadn't heard from her in a long time, so you thought that it would've been nice to go FLARPing with her. But you missed the date. Stood her up. Honestly, who stands up a perfectly good rival like Vriska Serket like that? You, apparently. At least you won't have to explain yourself, seeing as how every troll and their ancestor likely knows why you haven't left your hive. Heck, you haven't even left your respiteblock. How's that for pathetic?
In any case, you look at Trollian to discover that, indeed, she has trolled you, quite a few times. You wouldn't be surprised if she didn't want anything more to do with you ever.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]
AG: Eridaaaaaaaan!!!!!!!!
AG: I dearly hope you haven't forgotten a8out me, Eridan. ;:::)
AG: After all, what kind of kismesis would stand up their h8d8 like this, hhhhhhhhm????????
AG: Eridan, are you there?
AG: Come on, fish-breath!
AG: Why w8n't you 8nsw8r m8????????
Her messages go on like this for a while, in true Serket fashion, alternating between a number of various moods and methods of cajoling. After scrolling through the plethora of insults, pleas, and witticisms, you eventually reach the bottom, and are stabbed once more in your collapsing and expanding bladder based aquatic vascular system.
AG: Look, Eridan.
AG: I don't think this is going to work out anymore.
AG: I mean, you're a horrible troll and all.
AG: 8ut I've got waaaaaaaay too many irons on the fire to be entangled with someone who falls to pieces every time they get rejected by a potential flushedmate.
AG: So I guess this is good8ye.
arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA].
After reading that, you attempt to slink back into your recuperacoon, but make it only as far as the floor in front of your desk before you break down and start weeping like a wriggler again.
Man, you truly are pathetic, aren't you? Although, I suppose we can leave you alone for now; after all, you've just been dumped in two quadrants. Yeesh, I don't think we really want to be you right now.