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Ever since I started spending nights in Phil's bed we've done the same thing. We turn off the lights, get under the covers, turn to one another, and talk until we drift off. Nothing too exciting.
At first at least, then I discovered Phil has this quirk where when he gets incredibly tired and is half asleep, he talks. He tells me stories and all his secrets but never remembers what he's said the next day. It's quite fun to get him talking and then have all these memories of him he'll never know about.
At first I'd ask him questions about why he even liked me. As a teenager with little to no self esteem it was reassuring to hear Phil tell me his thoughts in his most genuine and real form.
“Well you see,” he'd start. His voice deep from sleep, his eyes shut and his body heavy on my chest. “You are possibly the most beautiful human to grace this earth. And even though you don't see it, that's okay because I do. And when I see you I feel like Indiana Jones and you're like my most prised discovery. And even though you and some dummy's might not see you as special, I plan on cherishing you for the rest of my life. I'll display you on my arm the way you display a painting at a museum, in the light for everyone to see and admire the way I do.
“You're face is a work of art. I look at it and I wonder if god knew he'd never be able to make another thing as beautiful as you. I wonder if you're so much younger than me because he was contemplating if he wanted to release the most beautiful being into the world. But I'm so darn glad he did because now I get to look at you every day and that's the best blessing I could have ever dreamed of.
“And you're so so so soft. Like crazy soft. Not just touch wise but in your heart as well. I can run my hands up and down your body and it's like touching Egyptian cotton for the first time. The kind with like a one thousand thread count. The stuff that's like really expensive.
“But then I get to know your heart and your feelings and that's my favorite part. You're so sweet and lovely and kind. And you love me, you really truly love me. And I know you haven't said it yet because you're an anxious person, but I know. I know it in the way you smile and laugh when I do something silly. I know it when you text me before you go to work and when you're on break and when you get home because you missed me. And I know it because when you wake up beside me in the mornings I always wake up to your kisses and your stare. You make me so unbelievably happy and I hope to god I can make you happy for the rest of your life. Because you deserve happiness. I love you.”
And then he fell asleep. He always fell asleep first. Probably from all the talking.
Truth be told, I cried after that conversation. He was sound asleep and I was trying to cry in a way that wouldn’t wake him or his brother who happened to be staying in the room next to us. My little nineteen year old heart was so full and truly happy that I couldn't hold them back.
I stayed up that night running a soft hand up and down Phil's back, ‘tickling’ him as he called it. I remember not wanting to sleep because I never wanted that moment to end. I also didn't know if he'd remember what he said the next day. And he didn't.
I never told him about the full conversation. I just told him that he rambled about how pretty I was. He turned this cute shade of pink that I've now seen many times but back then it was new. I'd never seen an embarrassed Phil before, he'd always been my confident older boyfriend, but it was nice to see him blush.
I told him I loved him that day. I took his words to heart, I knew I loved him for a while, and I was anxious about him not loving me back, but sleepy Phil assured me it would be okay to tell him. And it was.
Many more of these conversations have happened in our now 8 years of being together. Whether it was over a grainy Skype conversation that ran all night when we couldn't be together or in one of the 3 apartments we've owned together.
He always wonders why I like to fall asleep after him, I tell him the half truth that I enjoy seeing his sleeping face and running my hands through his hair, but really it's so I can hear all his thoughts.
We've just moved into a new apartment, a duplex one may call it, and we're the happiest we've ever been. I'm more confident in myself and my appearance and sharing my thoughts and feelings with my wonderful and caring audience. Making it known that I do care about how far they've brought me, and I always will be. And me and Phil aren't holding back as much as we used to.
I can look at him with the cameras on the way I normally would when we are alone. I can press my arm against him for comfort during gaming videos. I can share the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with him with subtle hints like saying how this current house isn't our forever home, and that one day we'll have a better one and a dog and I'll always have Phil in my future plans.
They don't need to know everything. And I think they're okay with that. They respect us enough to know how much we share is based on how much they need to know. They know we’re happy, and that we’re each others best friend and other half. Which is the truth. He's my best friend, and what's a relationship if you aren't the person's best friend first and foremost?
Our routine is still somewhat the same. We get ready for bed, grab some water from the kitchen, turn our phones on silent, turn the lights off, and cuddle close to one another. A few kisses are shared as well as exchanging I love you's, and he drifts.
My favorite thing to ask him is what he sees for our future. In the Manchester flat he told me we’d make it through the rough patches we were experiencing. In the London apartment he told me he knew I was planning to propose but he was still excited nonetheless, because it meant he got to spend the rest of his life with me, and that's all he's ever wanted. And now I get to make new sleepy Phil memories in this new house.
“Tell me about our future.” I whispered into his hair, he wrapped his arm around me tightly and settled into my chest.
He let out a sigh and I felt his body get heavy, meaning he was entering his pre deep sleep state.
“After we get married and things settle down I see us getting a really big house.” He said, licking his dry lips and swallowing so that he could talk more. “It will have floor to ceiling windows and then simple white baseboards that connect our mute tone colored walls to our bleached hardwood floors.” I forgot how much he knows about houses from all the property shows he watches.
“I want our kitchen and dining room to be open concept and I want a skylight to allow it to be the brightest and nicest place in the whole house. We'll have another breakfast bar and you can pick the counter tops and cabinets because I know how much you love kitchens.” He knows, he really knows how excited I get about cabinets and granite counter tops and stainless steel appliances.
“Our main living room will have a fireplace on the accent wall that I want to look like stone by the way.” I've seen how his eyes lit up at the stone wall in another apartment we looked at, and I'd like to see that again in our forever home.
“Our bedroom can look like this one. I like what you've done with it, it feels like home and it's comforting to know its just a bedroom and we don't have any obligations in this room. Although I don't think this bed is big enough for us, a dog and kids one day.” Kids talk is my favorite sleepy Phil topic of all time.
“We’ll have kids one day?” I asked so he'd talk about them more.
“Of course. I love the idea of sharing a forever home with you but my biggest dream is helping you become a dad one day. You'll be the best daddy in the whole world.” He says, snuggling his head into my chest a bit more.
“Penelope will be our first child. She'll have my genes because I remember all those years ago you said you wanted to have a baby with my eyes and freckles. She will be the most beautiful little girl in the whole world and she'll be wrapped around our fingers.
“Then I want a boy and I want to name him Alexander and I want him to be yours because you would make the most beautiful baby boys the world has ever seen. With their curly brown hair and deep chocolate eyes and your cute button nose and small ears. I can't wait to met that baby one day.” He stops to smile and I'm on the verge of tears.
“And one day, if science will allow it, I want the two of us to father a baby together. Like using stem cells or something cool. I just know that we’ll have three kids and a few animals and a big house in a cute neighbourhood and be the happiest family the world has ever seen” he yawned,
“Because you deserve that Dan.” he whispered and just like that he was out cold.
“I love you.” I whispered to him, and closed my eyes, falling asleep to dreams of us in our back yard with three kids running round after two corgis and the two of us, hand in hand, sitting in lawn chairs admiring the little world we somehow managed to create.