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The first Steve heard about anything going wrong was a disconcerting call from Thor that was only partially coherent. He couldn’t pull much out of it, except that Thor was going to be back late, and could Steve let his professors know. He sounded both panicked and distracted, and a little like he’d been crying.
Concerned, he asked the person who always knew the most recent gossip. “Tony,” he said, frowning at his eggs, “is something happening with Thor?”
Tony gave him a surprised look. “Not that I know of. Why?”
“He just called sounding…” Steve shook his head. “I don’t know. Upset. I thought you might know.”
“No,” Tony said, not sounding pleased about his own ignorance. “I haven’t heard anything. I’ll ask around, though, see if anything pops up.”
“Don’t,” Steve said quickly. “You don’t need to do that. If Thor wanted to tell us he would have.”
Tony’s eyebrows went up. “The way rumor travels around here, odds are everyone will know anyway in a couple days. We might as well try to get ahead of the mill so we can avoid stepping in something accidentally and making whatever it is worse.”
Steve sighed. “I guess,” he said reluctantly. “Still. Don’t pry too hard.”
“Would I ever,” Tony said lightly. Steve didn’t answer that, and after a moment Tony dropped his smile. “You know odds are this is something to do with his problem child brother.”
Steve had met Loki a few times. It had never gone particularly smoothly. He was as prickly as a cactus and quite a bit more prone to stabbing you before you got close enough to touch. Shady rumors followed him around and it didn’t seem like Loki did much to discourage them - maybe the opposite. Still, Thor loved him, and every so often when Loki forgot to be an ass he could be…interesting. Smart, and funny, if with an edge that sometimes made Steve wince.
But Tony was probably right. If something had gone wrong in Thor’s life, he would’ve bet on Loki being the source.
Thor still wasn’t back a week later, and Steve was starting to get genuinely worried. No one seemed to know for sure what had happened, which was surprising - few secrets stayed secret for long around campus. Thor wasn’t picking up his phone, either, and when Steve asked Jane she just shook her head and said it wasn’t her business to say.
Loki hadn’t turned up, either.
Rumor swirled everywhere from Thor being in some kind of terrible accident to Loki murdering someone. Or maybe trying to murder someone, it wasn’t clear. Or maybe Thor had been busted for taking steroids, or there’d been a kidnapping attempt to blackmail his family. It all ranged from the reasonable to the absurd.
When Steve caught sight of Sam Winchester across the quad he almost jogged over to catch him. The guy was roommates with - friends with? - Loki; maybe he’d know what had happened to Thor.
“Sam!” He called, and he turned, looking surprised to see him. Steve found a smile. “Hey. How’s it going? Good break?”
Sam’s answering smile was weak. “Sure. You?”
“All right.” He’d mostly stuck around putting in extra hours of work. But that hadn’t been all bad. “Hey, I wanted to ask…” He trailed off as Sam’s face closed.
“You and everyone else,” he said, not quite muttered. “You’re friends with Thor, right? Ask him.”
Steve blinked, a little surprised by the not-quite-anger in Sam’s voice. He normally seemed pretty easygoing - Steve supposed maybe you had to be, to live with Loki. Maybe it was just that he’d been getting that question a lot, and thought Steve was just trying to dig out grist for the rumor mill.
“He’s not answering calls,” Steve said. “I’m worried. I’m not going to spread anything around, or anything. I just want to know that he’s okay.”
“He’ll be okay,” Sam said after a moment’s hesitation in which he looked like he was about to say something else. “If you’ll excuse me-”
Steve reached out to catch Sam’s arm without thinking. “Who won’t be?” He asked. Sam gave him a sharp, quick look, and Steve met it evenly. “I don’t believe any of the rumors floating around. But I’d like to know.”
Sam detached his arm and shook his head. “It’s none of your business, Steve. Sorry.” He actually sounded it, then. “Thor’ll probably tell you everything when he’s ready.”
Steve let him go, frowning. That all but confirmed it was something about Loki.
He wondered suddenly, jarringly, if Loki had died. A new weight dropped into his stomach. He called Thor again, and this time left a message. “Whatever’s going on,” he said, “I want to help. Let me know if there’s anything I can do, all right?”
Steve didn’t know where Natasha got her news, since she wasn’t half the gossip Tony was, but she had a gift for finding things before anyone else when she was trying. Midway through a spirited game of Cranium, she leaned back and said, “I know why Thor’s not back yet.”
They all stopped and looked at her. Clint had a look on his face like he’d bitten into something sour, which meant he probably already knew. “Well?” Tony said impatiently. “Why?”
Natasha drummed her fingers on her leg. “Loki tried to kill himself,” she said after a moment. “Around Christmas.”
Dead silence fell. Everyone very suddenly had somewhere to look other than at each other. Steve cleared his throat. “He’s…still alive, though. Right?”
“Probably,” Natasha said. Tony gave her an incredulous look.
“Probably? What’s that mean?”
“It means that their family’s been doing their best to cover the whole thing up so nobody knows a thing about what happened. I only found out because I’m friends with someone who knows one of the EMTs who found Loki, and he didn’t say much except that it was a mess.”
Tony’s eyebrows shot up further. “Found him? Here?”
That was a surprise. Thor’s family was a good six hour drive from the campus, and they always went home for the break. Natasha shrugged.
“I don’t know more than that.”
Steve felt a little sick. It was obvious to anyone paying attention, of course, that Loki wasn’t exactly the most stable person. That he had issues. But Steve would’ve, if anyone had asked, probably thought that Loki would stab someone else before…
No one would think you’d been there, looking at you, a small voice at the back of Steve’s mind murmured, and he almost winced. Absolutely no one looked at Bruce, who stood up after a moment and left with a mumbled excuse.
Tony rubbed his mouth. “Jesus,” he said, under his breath. “Well. Guess that explains it.” He paused. “Do you know-”
“That’s enough,” Steve said quietly. Tony gave him a sharp look, but subsided. No wonder Sam hadn’t wanted to say anything. “Let’s not…spread this around, all right?”
“I’m not a completely tasteless moron,” Tony said. Clint mimed locking his lips and throwing away the key. “And we’ll just…try to be there for Thor, whenever he gets back.”
And Loki? How were they going to deal with that?
That was the harder question.
Steve saw Loki back before he saw Thor: between one day and the next he was back in Steve’s art history class, sitting across the room and ignoring all the whispering and glances like he didn’t notice any of it. He might’ve managed to pull off the usual cool, don’t-care-about-any-of-you-peons act if it weren’t for the fact that he still looked like hell: washed out, dark circles lingering around his eyes and under his cheekbones.
His sleeves were rolled up, defiantly flashing the bandages wrapping from wrists to elbows on both arms. Steve caught himself staring and jerked his eyes away, though he felt Loki’s eyes on him a moment later, suggesting he’d noticed.
Loki acted almost exactly as usual through class - if there was a certain brittleness to his usual caustic commentary, if he was a little quieter than usual, both were slight enough that they might be missed by someone who didn’t know what it looked like trying too hard to be normal. Steve took his time gathering up his things while Loki spoke with the professor, trying not to eavesdrop.
“–don’t need to worry about it,” she was saying, but Loki shook his head.
“Please. I insist. I can manage.”
Steve stepped quickly out into the hallway and waited for Loki to emerge. When he stepped out, for a moment he did look tired, shoulders slumped, exhaling quietly.
Then he seemed to become aware of Steve’s presence and immediately straightened, guard coming back up. “Is there something you wish to say?” He asked, tone clearly indicating that he did not want to hear anything Steve had to say.
He cleared his throat. “I wanted to ask if you’re…” If you’re okay was a stupid question. “How you’re doing.”
Loki’s nostrils flared minutely. “Thor is fine,” he said flatly. “Since I am certain that is your real question.”
“If I wanted to know how Thor was I’d ask him,” Steve said, not adding, it’d definitely be easier than asking you.
Loki looked faintly surprised, but only for a moment before he flashed a humorless smile. “I have never been better.” Steve wondered if he was aware of the way he’d started rubbing a thumb against his left arm. “I had a wonderful winter vacation. I do so love the holiday season.”
Steve held his ground. No one had ever accused him of not being stubborn. “If I can help with anything…”
“You can’t,” Loki said. It sounded like he was trying to snap, but he looked away, and for a moment he just looked…miserable. Tired. A moment later he regained himself, though the effort it took was visible. “Don’t strain yourself. You probably should not be seen with me. Your reputation might suffer.”
“Or maybe yours will,” Steve said. Loki gave him an odd look, and Steve raised a shoulder and lowered it, trying to smile. “I might ruin your ‘Byronic hero’ aesthetic.”
Loki blinked, and then laughed, a little oddly. “I don’t think there’s any risk of that.”
Steve’s smile felt weak, but he held it. “I mean it. If there’s anything I can do…”
“There isn’t,” Loki said again, but after a moment added, “thank you.” He gestured down the hall. “I had best…there is a great deal I need to catch up on.”
“You’re welcome,” Steve said. “Take care.”
Loki gave him a very faint, brief smile before walking away.
“You’re back,” Steve said, unable to mask his relief when he came back to the apartment and found Thor sitting on the couch. He looked as exhausted as Loki had, and almost immediately stood and embraced Steve a little too hard.
“I am,” he said. “I am sorry I was…you know what happened?”
“I do.” Steve patted Thor’s back. “I saw Loki in class today.”
Thor sighed. “He insisted. He and father argued about it - that is all they do now, argue - but he refused to stay any longer in the hospital.” He did not release Steve for a long moment, when he finally did, it was only to sit down again. He picked up a mug of hot cocoa sitting on the table and just held it, staring into space.
Steve sat down next to him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. Yes.” Thor shook his head. “I don’t want to burden you.”
“I’m your friend,” Steve said simply. “I’m here to listen, if you want.”
Thor looked down. “It was…I don’t know all of it. Loki found something out. He won’t tell me what and neither will Father, but it…they started arguing on the 21st. Loki never argues with him, not like that - he always just ignores what Father says, if it suits him, but never raises his voice. But they were both…and some of the things he said…
I tried to step in and Loki…threatened me. Said he’d kill everyone in the house if we didn’t leave him alone, and then just - left. Walked out the door. I would have gone after but my father said to give him time, that he’d come back. Except he didn’t. He’d left his phone and he wasn’t…he was just gone. And then in the middle of the night on the 23rd we got a call from the hospital that Loki was…that he’d been…” Thor took a shaky breath, and Steve reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. Thor dropped his head into his hands.
“I should’ve gone after him,” he said, muffled. “Should’ve seen this coming. I knew he was unhappy but I didn’t think…”
“It’s okay,” Steve said, a little numbly. “You couldn’t’ve known. And he’s okay.” Or at least alive.
Thor looked like he was struggling with the urge to say something else. “Maybe,” he said finally. “At least…right now. But how can I…how do I…” Thor took a deep breath. “He didn’t call me. It was…it was Sam. Who called 911. Because Loki called him to - say goodbye. Not me.”
Ouch, Steve thought. But not exactly surprising. If some kind of family argument had set Loki off…it wasn’t exactly surprising that he wouldn’t reach back out to them. He looked down at his lap. “But Loki did call someone, Thor. That’s…I know it sounds awful, but that’s good. He must’ve known that Sam would try to stop him, on some level, and that means at least some part of him still wanted to live.” He didn’t like how Thor was looking at him, but if he just talked carefully… “I know that might sound counterintuitive, but it is…as far as the future goes, it’s a good sign.”
Thor’s shoulders hunched. “He was angry. In the hospital, he kept…yelling at me, at mother, at father. Saying we had no right, that it was his choice, that…he stopped saying it but Father thinks that was just because he wanted to get out.”
“Thor…” Steve wished he had a better answer. “You’re doing what you can,” he said finally. “I know it might not feel like much but…all you can do in the end is let him know you love him.”
And hope that’s enough.
“Thank you, Steve,” Thor said, giving him a painfully earnest look. “Thank you.”
Steve found a weak smile. “Don’t mention it. What friends are for, right?”
Maybe he’d try to keep his own eye on Loki. Just in case. For Thor.