Chapter Text
PERSONNAGES
- POST REALLY BAD EPILOGUE NARUTO
- MOTHMAN (TIMELESS) (HOT BUTCH LESBIAN STONER, BUT ALSO, LITERALLY MOTHMAN THE CRYPTID)
- SHERLOCK HOLMES BUT THE BENDYSNATCH CUCUMBERHOOT ONE
- DRACO MALFOY BUT LIKE 35
- THE FINAL PAM (TIMELESS)
SETTING: the Seabreeze Wrassling Competition, 2013 but better
KABLAM. The door slammed open and Naruto the handsome dilf looked up from his ramen. It was a hunk of chewed gum in a long coat. Naruto looked again. Actually it was an overwhelmingly handsome man in a long coat.
"Wrow," Naruto said, nudging his companion. "Look what the cat finally decided to show up."
The Final Pam looked over her shoulder and sneered. PATHETIC, she said. Her voice was like a Russian supermodel put through a meatgrinder. NO COMPARISON TO MY METAL HUSBAND.
"Of course," Naruto agreed, "of course. I'm still going to put my dick in it him though."
OF COURSE, The Final Pam agreed. Her voice was like vodka mixed with raw horseflesh.
,hey wahts up you mother fucks,' crowed Mothman as she skateboarded in. ,i hear our good pal naruto is going to put his dick in famed detective sherlock holmes.'
AH MOTHMAN, The Final Pam said in a voice like a tiger gargling knives, YOU KNOW TALL WEASEL MAN?
,hell yea Final Pam i sure do,' Mothman confirmed. ,hes like a big jerkoff basically but naruto youo shoudl definitely go for it'
Sherlock Holmes squinted his small eyes erotically at the three friends. He knew what they were talking about. He whipped his phone out elegantly and called the only man who would understand him.
" Malfoy ," answered Malfoy. He liked to say his own name.
" Holmes ," Sherlock greeted him. " Listen, Malfoy, there are three young people of incredible power at the bar of this Seabreeze wrasslin competition. One of them wishes to put his penis inside of me. "
" Well, Holmes ," Malfoy mused, " how do you feel about that? I daresay you could use a penis inside of you ."
Sherlock hung up on him.
LISTEN, The Final Pam was saying in a voice like a monster truck full of wolverines. YOU HAFF TO APPROACH HIM LIKE YOU ARE BIG LION AND HE IS SMALL WOUNDED GAZELLE.
"I see," Naruto said. He wondered if he should take notes. It wouldn't work because he couldn't fucking read, so he drew a picture of himself as a lion and this mysterious "Shitcock Homes" as a gazelle. It was good, and sensual. "So I should be confident and good looking and I should pay attention to how he acts?"
NO, The Final Pam said shortly. Disdain dripped from the word like acid rain onto an elementary school playground. YOU SHOULD SNEAK UP ON HIM AND INCAPACITATE HIM BY GOING FOR JUGULAR.
"Aha," Naruto said. "Final Pam, you're so right. How did you get to be so wise in the art of romance?"
MUCH EXPERIENCE, The Final Pam said in a voice like a ham hock full of explosives. I HAV HAD MANY LOVERS.
Well , Naruto thought to himself, Nothing for it! I'm a hot, single dad, and I have marks on my face that look like my child drew them on me but actually they're just birthmarks, and I am ready to find love again. He approached the tall and sexy man. "Hi there," he said with his mouth.
" Hello ," the tall and sexy man said. " I suppose you would like to seduce me. What inane tools do you have at your disposal, I wonder? Do you hope to impress me with witty comments, or perhaps you hope to peacock your physical qualities in the hopes that I don't realize how very dull you are? "
"Oh, definitely the second one, for sure. Hey, you ever see someone turn into a bunch of hot naked girls before?" Naruto asked.
" I spent most of my twenties out of my mind on cocaine ," the man said. " That's nothing I haven't seen before. You'll have to try harder than that ."
"Hmmmm," Naruto said, "Tough crowd, huh. What's your name? I'm uhhhhhhhhhhh--" He panicked at the last moment, thinking wildly for a name sexier than his own, and settled on, "-- Sssssasuke… Kakashi?"
The tall man sniffed with his abnormally small, but somehow alluring, nose. " The names of your childhood crush and… what, your elementary school teacher? Please ," he said, when he saw Naruto was about to protest, " Don't make this interaction any more embarrassing than it has to be. My name is Sherlock Holmes. You have one more chance to impress me before I leave this bar for the wrassling competition ."
Naruto glanced back over his shoulder at his friends. What could he do?? He made eye contact with Mothman. She winked and threw him a thumbs up. ,go for it,' she seemed to whisper in her strange little voice. The Final Pam looked at him too. She didn't say anything, but the churning black void behind her eyes, torturous home of a thousand screaming and abandoned souls, told Naruto everything he needed to know. She believed in him!
Naruto looked back at Sherlock Holmes, full of confidence now that he was thinking about the support of his friends. He grabbed Sherlock Holmes by the collar and kissed him square on the mouth!