Archive of Our Own

Killua pushed the window open with a gasp. A cool, night breeze hit his face a second later and rustled his white locks. It was like being doused in cold water: the low temperature and outside air was refreshing and helped lessen the terrible pressure building behind his eyes.

The Zoldyck Mansion’s roof was sloped and had few openings to grasp or even sit on without risking a fatal fall to the cement below. Killua scrambled out onto the landing anyway, eyes quick to find the small, familiar grooves to help him safely navigate the treacherous surface. He’d done this too many times by now to fall.

Killua was no stranger to rooftops. He spent most of his nights on them as Chat Noir- sometimes chasing akumas, but mostly chasing Ladybug. They practiced new fighting techniques on roofs just like this one, other times pausing to catch their breath after long sprints and hurtling jumps.

Killua preferred the isolation and peacefulness of the roofs to Yorknew’s bustling streets below. Up here he had the freedom to do as he pleased without anyone’s pressing eyes on him. He could do whatever he wanted, be whoever he wanted, and no one would know.

But as much as he loved the rooftops, he was rarely on one as his civilian self. It wasn’t just his lack of powers that made the activity a challenge, but his parents and their heavy expectations of him. He always had ‘meetings’ to attend with his father, tutoring sessions with the butlers, another yelling match with his mother.

“You have an appearance to uphold, Kil,” she’d hissed at him the last time she pulled him from the Mansion’s roof. “Duties, obligations! If you go up there again, you won’t see that so-called friend of yours for a month!”

So. There was risk involved with roof climbing as Killua Zoldyck. He only dared to do it now when his parents were out of town and couldn’t catch him.

Sometimes, though, the effort and danger was worth it. Like tonight, for instance.

Killua let out a long breath as he finally got sat down on one of the roof’s shingles. He wrapped his arms around his shins and rested his chin on his knees as he stared out at the skyscrapers, their multi-colored lights twinkling in the distance. His eyes still prickled, his throat still burned. But at least his parents couldn’t see him collapse into himself while he perched three flights above the street.

College. Graduation. Future. Three words Killua hated to hear more than any other and he had heard them repeatedly throughout his most recent conversation with his mother and father.

Killua dug his nails into his arms to keep them from shaking. He didn’t want to think about it- any of it. Thinking about his future made it more real and Killua refused to believe there could be a life for him without Gon in it.

Gon was his best friend. They had grown up together, lived together, done everything together. He barely remembered a time when he didn’t know Gon; his oldest memory was meeting the raven-haired boy on the playground that sunny afternoon years ago. Killua could still remember seeing the emerald leaves stuck to Gon’s whale shirt, the gaping hole in his front row of baby teeth when he smiled at Killua.

That was the first time anyone had accepted Killua for who he was, and not what his family name represented. Gon had grabbed Killua’s hand in his dirt-covered one and dragged him off towards the swings without even stopping to catch his breath.

Killua sniffed, blinking rapidly to fight down the water welling up in his eyes. The lump in his throat was getting harder to ignore. It made his breathing ragged and uneven. A soothing breeze swept around Killua as he struggled to calm himself and he bowed his head.

He had to stop thinking about Gon so much. He loved Gon with everything he had but it was just too damn painful right now. Life was too painful to add onto the heartbreak of being in love with someone who didn’t love him in return.

Killua inhaled deeply and lifted his blurry gaze to the sky. His fingers were starting to go numb from the cold but he didn't couldn’t care less.

Maybe if he stayed out here long enough, he wouldn’t be able to feel anything at all.

Gon hated going on patrol alone.

Well, maybe not hated. That was a strong word. He just...really, really, really disliked it. Patrols were always so boring and lonely without Chat around to tease or egg him into racing up the nearest skyscraper.

But Chat was busy tonight. He told had a ‘family commitment’ he needed to stay home for,  and Gon had accepted Chat’s explanation without question. He knew how strict Chat’s family was; they had high expectations for him and stopped Chat from fighting akumas on more than one occasion. He kind of reminded Gon of Killua like that.

Killua and Chat would get along so great if they ever met, Gon just knew it. But Chat was scared of revealing his identity for reasons he wouldn’t explain and Gon wasn’t so selfish that he would force Chat into telling him against his will. So, until Chat was comfortable, meeting Killua would have to wait.

Gon was getting pretty close to Killua’s home, actually. He couldn’t visit Killua while dressed up as Ladybug, but-

Gon sucked in a sharp breath, stopping short at the sight of familiar white hair gleaming in the moonlight a few rooftops away.

His mind whirled and his chest heaved. What was Killua doing on his mansion’s roof? Killua told him in school earlier that his parents were home, meaning Killua couldn’t sleepover Gon’s house like usual, but the fact that he was outside on the roof instead of sleeping peacefully in his own bed….

It wasn’t a good sign.

Gon bit his lip. There was no way he couldn’t talk to Killua now. He had to make sure his best friend was okay, even if Killua didn’t like Ladybug and didn’t know that it was actually Gon checking up on him. That’s what best friends were for, after all.

Gon squatted low, gathering energy in his legs before leaping off the roof and jumping between buildings to finally land a few feet away from Killua. The other teen didn’t flinch at Gon’s sudden appearance. He didn’t acknowledge Gon at all, actually.

“Why are you up here?” Gon couldn’t help but ask as he slowly walked over to where Killua was sitting. His heart twisted painfully at Killua’s expression; Killua’s pale face was stony but incredibly sad. It wasn’t hard for Gon to spot the quiet agony in the shadows of those blue eyes, the anxiety in the flat line of his mouth.

He was honestly surprised when Killua confessed: “I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

Gon’s heart plummeted to the street three floors below. What did Killua mean?

“Don’t…I mean, are you okay? You’re not hurt or anything, right?”

Killua shook his head and Gon breathed a sigh of relief. For that, at least, he was glad.

“Then, what’s wrong?”

His best friend shrugged. “’S nothing. Just, you know, thinking.”

“About what?”

“The future. Graduation and college. Stuff.”

Gon swallowed thickly. Killua’s parents must have talked to him. The future was a topic he and Killua avoided mentioning at all because Killua would never see Gon again after high school if his parents had their way. And neither Gon nor Killua were willing to even consider that a possibility.

Just thinking that he might never see Killua again made Gon’s heart freeze over and his breathing quicken with something close to panic. He didn’t want to lose Killua, ever. They were so close that Killua was a part of him now. Without Killua at his side, he felt strangely empty and alone, at loss with what to do.

But that was exactly why he didn’t understand what was going on- why hadn’t Killua called Gon after his conversation with his parents? Gon always helped calm Killua down whenever his family got too demanding. This time should’ve been no different.

He pressed cautiously, “You seem kind of...stressed. Don’t you have someone to talk to about all of that? Someone you trust to help you?”

Killua laughed but it sounded broken and wrong. “If I did, do you think I would really be up here on the roof in the middle of the night talking to you, Ladybug?”

Ouch.

That hurt, more than Gon would ever admit.

“I’m sorry,” came Killua’s whisper. “That was really...bad. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Gon scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “It’s okay. You’re upset right now. And I know you don’t exactly, um, like me too much. I shouldn’t have-”

“I like you, Ladybug.”

Gon’s jaw dropped. “Wha-”

“Uh, I mean!” Killua’s face was flushed scarlet. “I-I don’t dislike you. You’re not the worst person on the face of the planet, so.”

Gon threw back his head and laughed. The tension hanging in the air between them had disappeared with Killua’s stammered confession, and with it so did the heaviness in Gon’s heart.

Killua really was awful at being honest. No matter who he was with.

“I’m glad, Killua,” he said, smiling as the blush slowly drained out of Killua’s cheeks. “I really thought you hated me.”

Killua scowled. “As if. You would know if I hated you, okay? I just think you’re unnecessarily annoying. And you hover way too much.”

“I only do that when you need my he-” Gon’s protest died in his mouth at the venomous glare Killua leveled at him. Killua might not hate Ladybug now, but he definitely would if Gon kept arguing with him.

Killua turned back to face Yorknew’s skyscrapers. “You look stupid just standing there. You should sit down.”

Surprise washed over him. He never expected Killua to willingly submit himself to Ladybug’s company. But if Killua was offering, there was no way Gon was going to turn him down. The patrol had been super boring without Chat to flirt with, anyway.

But, there was Killua’s parents to worry about. He started to ask cautiously, “Are you sure-?”

“Ladybug,” Killua growled. “Sit. Down.”

Gon sat.

Killua was the first to speak. “Where’s your partner? Chat Noir, right?”

Gon bobbed his head. He was surprised that Killua was even asking about Chat given how indifferent he seemed to both Yorknew’s superheroes.

Maybe Killua wasn’t so indifferent as he thought.

“He’s busy tonight,” Gon sighed. “He has family stuff to take care of.”

Killua snorted and Gon perked up. “Why’d you laugh?”

“Huh? Oh, it’s just-” Killua’s expression turned unreadable once more, “- that’s why I’m out here too, because of what my family said.”

“...was it anything really bad?” Gon hesitantly asked. He didn’t want to press Killua too much, but. Well. He did want to know why Killua didn’t want to talk to his civilian self.

Killua shrugged, untucking his legs and leaning back on the palms of his hands. “Let’s just say they have a big interest in my future. They have this idea of me in their heads and I just don’t...agree with it. At all. I don’t want anything that they want, so we fight a lot.”

“Not a happy home life, then?”

Killua let out a long breath and his silver bangs shifted from his sigh. “You have no idea, Ladybug.”

I do, Gon thought silently but kept it to himself. No matter how badly he wanted to blurt out to Killua that he was Gon, Killua’s best friend, he couldn’t. That would be a betrayal to Chat and Gon respected- and cared- too much about his partner to do that to him.

“What about friends?” Gon tried and his heart started to pound. “I know you said you didn’t have anyone to talk to, but. I’m sure there’s someone you’re close with.”

A series of emotions flitted through crystal blue eyes- guilt, sadness, even fear. They were gone before Gon could blink and by then Killua had already turned away, hiding his face from Gon’s view.

“I wasn’t being completely honest when I said that earlier,” Killua admitted. “I have friends. They’re good to me, but. I don’t feel comfortable talking to them about this sort of thing. And then…”

His voice trailed off and Gon perked up. He repeated, “And then?”

Killua visibly swallowed. Then he said very quietly, so quiet that Gon barely heard him-

“And then I have one best friend. He’s, uh.” Killua coughed, the tips of his ears turning pink. “He’s great. Really. I couldn’t have asked for a better friend.”

Happiness bubbled up inside Gon’s chest until he felt like he would burst. He knew personally how hard it was for Killua to say something like that. Killua got so embarrassed over feelings. He couldn’t have said that directly to Gon’s face without stuttering and tripping all over himself. He would’ve given up halfway through.

Leaning closer, Gon chirped brightly, “It sounds like you really care about him!”

One of Killua’s hands curled into a fist. Gon could just make out the upward curve of Killua’s lips when Killua said, “I do. I mean, he’s kind of an idiot and a crybaby, but he-”

“Crybaby?!” Gon interrupted, shocked. What did that mean?! Gon wasn’t-

Killua’s burst of melodic laughter caused Gon’s thoughts to scatter. His heart fluttered; Killua’s laughter was always so nice, especially when it was natural and pure like it was now. How long had it been since he’d heard Killua really laugh?

“Yeah, he’s definitely a crybaby,” Killua said, grinning at Gon with eyes that sparkled in the moonlight. “This one time, we were playing in the park and his bracelet snapped on a branch- oh, sorry, that doesn’t make any sense, does it?”

Killua started over, explaining with a wave of his hand, “Me and Gon have been friends since we were young. Really, really young. Only a year or so after we met, we both made these friendship bracelets for each other- I made Gon’s, and Gon made mine.”

A smile tugged at Gon’s lips at the memory; he and Killua were only kids then, but he so clearly remembered sitting at Aunt Mito’s kitchen table with Killua, random beads and multi-colored string scattered all over it’s wooden surface. He had carefully sorted through each and every bead they owned to find the perfect ones for Killua’s bracelet. Every ounce of his love and adoration for Killua had been used to make that bracelet for his best friend.

It had been a sad day when they discovered they’d grown too big to wear their friendship bracelets anymore. Now Gon’s bracelet from Killua hung on a corkboard in Gon’s room, next to dozens of pictures of Gon and his friends (but mostly Killua, though).

“That’s really cute,” Gon said out loud and Killua’s face darkened slightly.

“Yeah, I-I guess. The bracelet Gon made for me was a real mess, though. All the beads were different sizes and shapes and everything. Not a single thing matched. But I wore that bracelet every day no matter what, even when my parents yelled at me for bringing it along on a business trip. I really did love it.”

Killua’s expression softened. His cheeks were dusted pink and the small but genuine smile on his lips caused a swell of warmth inside of Gon’s heart. It was extremely rare for Gon to see his best friend this open; Killua usually changed the topic or ran away whenever things got too personal. Even after all these years, Killua still hid parts of himself from Gon.

But not from Ladybug, apparently.

“The bracelet I made for Gon was much better,” Killua said, chest puffing out with pride, and Gon giggled. “The beads I chose were all neat and even and everything. And you could actually read the letters on his since I used beads from the same set. Anyway, the point of all this is that when we were playing in the park one day, the bracelet I made for Gon got caught on a stray tree branch. The string snapped and the beads flew everywhere.”

Killua shook his head, bemused. “Gon freaking bawled for at least three hours. I helped him collect all the beads out of the grass and dirt and told him I’d make another one, but man. He was so upset.”

“I wouldn’t blame him,” Gon said and his cheeks ached from trying to hold his smile back. “And I don’t think that makes him a crybaby! I think it just means he loves you as much as you love him.”

Killua blinked. Gon expected him to sputter again, tell Gon off for assuming things he had no idea about. That was the ‘Killua’-type reaction Gon was used to.

But Killua didn’t do either of those things.

Gon watched, silently surprised, as Killua lowered his gaze to his lap. His best friend clasped and unclasped his long, graceful fingers over his knees, bowing his head until white curls shone silver in the moonlight. Alabaster skin glowed and blue eyes were glazed under thick lashes.

Gon’s breath hitched and his heart skipped a beat.

Killua looked...beautiful. There was no other way to describe it. He was beautiful in a way Gon had never noticed before- stunning, breathtaking and mesmerizing, even though he was just sitting there, staring at his hands.

Killua was beautiful, and Gon couldn’t look away.

“Love,” Killua murmured, snapping Gon out of his reverie. “Is a strong word.”

Gon swallowed thickly. It was a strong word. But- “D-Don’t you love him, though?”

“Of course I do,” his best friend sighed and the rush of pure joy that coursed through Gon’s veins at the simple confirmation was so strong that it surprised him.

He didn’t have the time to dwell on it though because Killua was still talking-

“-best friends, how could I not love him.” Killua tucked a snowy lock of hair behind his ear. “We...me and Gon are closer than most friends, Ladybug. I practically live with him. We sleep together in his bed, my brush is in his cabinet, I have my own draw in his dresser...it’s gotten to the point where his aunt automatically makes two of everything because wherever Gon goes, I follow. And she knows that. I even have my own tube of toothpaste in the bathroom because Gon’s toothpaste is cinnamon flavored and that shit’s disgusting-”

Gon couldn’t hold back the peal of laughter that exploded from him. He laughed so hard his sides burned. When he started to fall over, Killua was the one who grabbed his wrist and yanked him back into place.

“Jeez, Ladybug, calm down! I didn’t even say anything that funny.”

“S-Sorry!” Gon gasped. He wiped the edge of his eyes with a gloved hand and tried to slow his breathing.

Killua absolutely hated his toothpaste. He hated it with a passion that was borderline ridiculous. He claimed it was ‘too spicy’. Gon didn’t really understand how toothpaste could be spicy but Killua’s revolted reaction to it was something that never failed to make him laugh. So the fact that Killua was now complaining about it to Ladybug…

It was just really, really funny.

“Ladybug, seriously. You’re starting to freak me out here.”

“‘M fine!” Gon wheezed. “You- you just reminded me of my friend, he hates cinnamon toothpaste too!”

Killua raised an eyebrow. “Really? I’ll have to tell Gon that; he always makes fun of me for it, the idiot!”

Gon bit his bottom lip to keep himself from bursting into another fit of giggles. He could laugh later when Killua told him that. Again.

But there was still something that was bothering him.

“Um, Killua? I have a question,” Gon said.

Killua cupped his chin in his hand, turning to look sideways at Ladybug. There was a warmth in his gaze that hadn’t been there before. “What is it?”

Gon’s brain momentarily stuttered to a halt.

“Um, you. You and...and…um....”

Killua frowned. “Ladybug? Uh, you okay?”

Oh, right, he realized distantly. He’d wanted to ask Killua something. Heat rushed to Gon’s face and it took him a few seconds to realize he was blushing.

He was blushing...because of Killua? Had that ever happened to him before? He didn’t think so, but why now?

Killua was still waiting for him to respond.

“Ah, I m-meant to ask you,” he stammered as Killua watched him with blatant concern. “If you l-love your friend, why didn’t you call him? He could’ve helped you feel better, maybe?”

An unrecognizable emotion flitted across Killua’s face. But it disappeared so fast, Gon wasn’t sure if he’d seen it at all, or if it was just a trick of the light.

“Gon is...Gon’s got a lot on his plate right now. There’s a big test that’s coming up and if I call him this late, he won’t sleep at all. He would spend the whole night worrying about me instead. And then he’ll end up falling asleep on me during lunch tomorrow, or even in class.”

Killua sighed heavily and ran a hand through his starlight bangs. “Gon needs to rest. Me calling him tonight, when I could just as easily talk to him about this tomorrow, is pointless. Gon’s well-being is more important than my worrying.”

There was a pang deep in Gon’s gut. “I don’t think he’d see it that way, Killua.”

“Probably not. But it’s not up to him. It’s my choice and I guess, in a way...”

“You guess, what?”

Killua chewed on his bottom lip. “I guess I just wanted to be alone. Gon’s my best friend and we do everything together, but sometimes I just need time by myself. You know?”

Gon knew. He knew that when Killua had yanked his hand out of Gon’s years ago after some random kid had called them bad names for the simple show of affection. He knew it when Killua had told Gon they were too old to take baths together. And he knew it tonight, after learning that there were times when Killua suffered alone and didn’t tell Gon about it until he could put on a brave smile and act like it didn’t affect him at all.

Because Gon knew Killua wouldn’t tell him about the conversation with his parents tomorrow, even though he said he would. Killua didn’t want to make Gon worry, so he wouldn’t tell him no matter what. And if Killua wasn’t telling Gon this now, there were probably at least a dozen other things Killua had never told Gon.

Gon’s heart ached for his best friend. The pain was so bad it felt like a part of his soul was bleeding. He wanted to rip the spotted mask off his face and crush Killua to his chest, hold him tight until Killua couldn’t be sad anymore.

But he couldn’t.

Gon took a deep shuddering breath. He was Ladybug, Yorknew’s hero. He saved people. And tonight he would just have to ignore his own selfish desires and put Killua first. It’s what Killua wanted. It’s what a hero would do.

“If you want to be alone,” Gon said, voice quivering only the tiniest bit. “I’ll just go-”

“No!”

Killua’s hand grabbed Gon’s wrist and held Gon in place before he could even stand.

“I-I mean,” Killua stammered as Gon’s eyes widened. “You-you don’t have to go. If you don’t want to.”

...what?

“But, you just said you wanted-”

“I know what I said!” Killua snapped. “But you’re not...I don’t…” Killua huffed out a sigh, cheeks blazing red once more. “I don’t mind talking about it with you, okay? You’re, uh, actually a lot cooler than I originally thought, Ladybug.”

Happiness burst to life inside Gon’s chest. Some of that joy must have showed in his face because Killua’s eyes narrowed and a second later a cool hand was shoved in Gon’s face.

“AHH!” he yelped and flailed dangerously. “K-Killua, why-”

“Don’t go getting any ideas just because I said you don’t suck!”

“Coming from you though, that’s practically a love confession!” Gon teased, pushing Killua’s hand out of the way.

Killua groaned loudly. “Just. Shut up. Please. Before I take back everything I said.”

“No way, no take backs!” Gon said and poked Killua’s side. Killua swatted his hand away easily, a grudging smile starting to form on his lips.

“You’re a piece of work, you know that?” he said.

“Heh, yeah. But I don’t suck, apparently.”

“No,” Killua said with a snort. “You don’t. Apparently.”

They grinned stupidly at each other and Gon’s toes curled in his boots. It was amazing how even like this, with him as Ladybug and Killua as Killua, that they could still make each other laugh. Killua could still make him feel like he was on top of the world even though they were just sitting on his family’s mansion’s rooftop.

And it was only Killua who could do that. No one else. Killua was special like that.

“Hey,” he asked. “Killua, does this mean we can be friends?”

Shock filtered into Killua’s sky-blue eyes. “Friends? You want- you want to be my friend?”

“Mhm! Of course!”

Killua glanced upwards, letting out a shaking breath. His eyes were glossy against the starry sky and something in Gon’s chest twisted.

It was so sad how Killua didn’t think he deserved friends, or that people wouldn’t want to be his friend because of his family’s reputation. Killua was not his family. He was better. And he deserved everything good life had to offer him.

“Okay,” Killua said, voice small. “We can be friends.”

Gon’s heart swelled. He threw his arms around Killua before he could stop to think and Killua squawked.

“L-Ladybug?! Ladybug, ACK, I can’t-  breathe, c’mon let go-”

Gon laughed in Killua’s ear. He did as he was told, but continued to beam at his best friend with pure, simple joy.

Killua made a face. “What’re you smiling about?”

“I’m just really happy, Killua! I’m glad we’re finally friends!”

The other teen stared at him. “You’re so weird,” Killua grumbled, turning back to face Yorknew’s glittering lights.

He didn’t say anything though when Gon’s fingers brushed across his, or when Gon turned his slender hand over and slid their palms together. He responded to Gon’s squeeze with a tiny squeeze of his own and Gon’s heartbeat raced. His smile was wide enough now to make his cheeks hurt. He felt so light he could fly, and it was all because of Killua.

It wasn’t until dawn the next morning- after he said goodbye to Killua, after they spent hours upon hours talking and laughing about everything and anything in between-

It wasn’t until then that Gon realized he hadn’t thought of Chat at all for the rest of the night.