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He wasn't sure where to go. Everything hurt. His skin felt tight, like it didn’t fit anymore.
Aaron opened the door to their old bedroom. He looked around at the empty room, muffled pub noises came from below. There was nothing but a bedframe, naked mattress and a couple of aged bedside tables. All trace of them stripped bare and yet it still felt safe. Familiar.
Kicking off his shoes, Aaron moved slowly inside and lay on the bed, on instinct he rolled to face Robert’s side. He curled up tight, holding himself as he fought to shut out Rebecca’s foul words. If only it were as easy as closing the door or shutting a book. Thoughts raced.
A baby.
Robert’s baby.
Her baby.
But Aaron knew. He knew he was different. Knew she was wrong.
She didn’t know Robert, not really, or them. Yet…
He shook his head. No. Robert Sugden was a mess, yes, a mistake, maybe, but he was Aaron’s mess and Aaron’s mistake.
She’d almost had him. He had to give her points for that, he couldn't deny that her words had momentary impact. But it was fleeting. He knew. And she wasn’t his friend. She didn’t care about him. If she did, she wouldn’t have slept with his husband. Robert was guilty for sure, but that did not make her an innocent bystander in this.
Only the baby had that distinction.
Robert’s baby.
Aaron knew that he was Robert’s exception. He knew Robert, in ways no one else ever would. Everything they’d been through, all the good and all the bad, together they’d come out the other side, every time stronger and closer. Rationally, he knew, but the fragile, emotionally-driven bit of him, still questioned it. But no, he knew.
Above all else, Aaron knew that when they were together, they were safe.
Maybe, Robert was bad for him. Maybe, they were bad for each other, but nothing could be worse than what they were like when they were apart. That gut-wrenching chaos of separation.
Rebecca had no place to speak about their relationship, one she had so actively tried to undermine since she’d arrived in the village.
Robert had opened himself up with Aaron in ways, even Aaron wasn’t sure if Robert realised.
They were both so broken.
Both with fathers who’d wreaked havoc on their childhoods, leaving them without the proper tools to function, with anyone, let alone each other and still they tried. needed.
Aaron wanted them. Wanted Robert.
Exhausted after talking to Rebecca and struggling to break through his hate and anger and fear, he’d found himself at his counsellor’s office again, for the second day in a row.
“What do you want, Aaron? What do you need, now and in the future?” she’d ask him.
He wanted Robert.
He wanted to trust him.
To have no doubts, to believe that Robert loved him as much as he loved Robert.
He needed it to stop hurting.
He needed for every new hurt to be lesser than the last.
Aaron needed to know that he was enough, more importantly he needed to believe it.
Parts of him felt like he deserved this. He’d done the same thing as Rebecca after all. Slept with a man that wasn’t his to have. Fallen in love. Chased him. Humiliated Chrissie. Punished Robert for not being ready for him. For not putting him before everything else.
“And now?” she’d asked him when he finished talking.
“Now? He puts me first. Not with the cheating, obviously, but that was the first selfish thing he’s done since we’ve gotten back together. I asked him to be someone I could count on,” Aaron replied.
“Is he?” her eyes were kind and it made uneasiness coil in his gut. He didn’t want her to look at him. He didn’t know why, just that he felt uncomfortable under her gaze.
Aaron looked at his hands instead. Clasped in his lap, his wedding ring a warm safe weight on his finger. That meant something, didn’t it. That it helped him feel grounded. When he’d taken it off yesterday he’s felt lighter but not in a good way. Like he could just float away and it wouldn’t matter. His words to Robert, about them not being really married had been fashioned as weapons but they’d cut him, as much as he’d hurt Robert. The truth of the matter was they were so married, it was almost ridiculous to think otherwise. Without realising it, they had been stitching their lives together since their first kiss.
When Robert had put the ring back on Aaron’s finger, it was like they both could breathe again. As soon as that comfortable weight was back where it belonged, things were better.
“Yes, when everything is falling apart he’s always there. He never makes me feel less, even though I know I am,” Aaron answered finally.
“Less than what Aaron?” the words were softly spoken, jarring all the same.
“What I should be, what I could be. Less than what he needs and what he deserves,” Aaron confessed.
His counsellor took a moment just to look at him before speaking again, “And after everything that has happened, do you believe that Robert deserves to be happy? To be loved?”
“Yes,” Aaron answered without any hesitation or delay.
“Why?” she asked him. “Why is he more than you? Is his happiness more important than yours?”
“He isn’t. It isn’t, I mean I love him don’t I, so I want him to be happy,” Aaron said not knowing what point she was trying to make.
“And if this other woman made him happy, would you want him to have that with her?” she probed.
“What kind of question is that?” Aaron asked, the thought made his stomach churn.
“It’s just a question Aaron. There are no wrong answers,” she said and made it sound so easy but it wasn’t.
“No, I want him to be happy with me. But I don’t want him to be unhappy. I don’t know. I just want us to be,” Aaron struggled to get the words out and his thoughts clear, would Robert would be better off without him? It wasn't the first time he'd asked himself that question. Rebecca would come with a baby, a ready-made family, he just had more baggage than the lost and found at an airport.
He’d told Robert to leave him.
“I love ya. It wasn’t an option,” Robert had said to him.
So, here they were.
“From what you’ve told me and my brief meeting with Robert. With you, for the first time, he is settled in his own person. Happy with you. He loves you. Do you believe he loves you?” his counsellor said drawing his attention back to her.
“Yes,” Aaron replied.
“No hesitation. All this doubt and yet you’re sure he loves you. Why?” she asked leaning forward in her chair.
“I…he’s changed. He told me about Rebecca. Before with Chrissie, his ex-wife, I told her. I exposed the affair but he told me. Knowing that I could leave him, that I should leave him, he told me. He could’ve kept lying, but he didn’t. I knew that something was wrong, that something wasn’t right but I couldn’t… I didn’t want to see it.”
Aaron realised he didn’t feel like Robert had made a fool of him. Robert had tried to tell him that day at the prison. Aaron saw it at the time, but he accepted his mum’s version because he wanted to, he needed to.
Robert had struggled - It had been there to see, whereas with Chrissie, Aaron had never even seen him think twice about lying to her.
“These things always have a way of coming out eventually,” she said and although it sounded like such a copout, it was true. He would have found out. But Robert told him.
Aaron nodded.
“You need to know Robert to really get why it's such a big deal that he told me himself, normally he’s a self-serving moron and he is a master of self-preservation,” Aaron said with a small smile, twisting his ring around his finger.
“You both have self-preservation in common. It’s learned behaviour Aaron, and completely understandable given your pasts,” her words were a gentle revelation of sorts.
“I know. But he's risked his to save mine. It's mad if you think about it, he’s always saving my life. I sometimes think, even just meeting him saved me. It’s the thing people don’t understand about us, about why we work, why we keep trying.”
I saved him and Robert saved me right back, he thought.
Aaron knew his tears were in conflict with the smile on his face but fondness was blurring the lines of pain in his chest. “After the car accident, the fool risked his life to go back into the water for my ring. I know he loves me. I’m just not sure I can survive our love or that I can survive being without it.”
“Did you ever ask him about the ring? About why he went back in the water for it? Some of your answers might be found in his reasoning,” her eyes flicked down to where Aaron was playing with the ring in question.
“He said it was because it was expensive, but he was just being Robert,” Aaron replied.
“Meaning?” she asked.
“He’s like me, we don’t really talk about our feelings. Both afraid of what people will think or say and we're used to keeping them to ourselves. I’m lucky I have Paddy and my mum to try to drag them out of me and I still struggle. Robert, he’s never had anyone to ask him how he felt and wanted to actually listen, until me. And well, the money thing has always been important to Robert. Status. Money. It was the main reason he married Chrissie,” Aaron answered.
“And the main reason he married you?”
“He loves me. I don’t know why he does. I have nothing to give him. Just me.”
“Did you ever think, that all he needs to be loved and happy, is you. It’s not an acceptable excuse but it does explain his destructive behaviour when he thought he didn’t have you. Patterns are hard to break but they can be broken, Aaron. You proved this by coming here yesterday and today instead of using self-harm or violence to deal with your feelings,” her words calmed Aaron’s jumpy heart and he knew she was right.
“He offered to come here. To get help,” Aaron told her.
“That’s good Aaron. He should do that for himself, for the both of you. Sometimes it’s hard even for a couple as close and as open as the two of you are, to show all the secret dark parts of yourself. Fear can keep us from working through things with those who love us, less they see something about us they cannot love,” she explained her kind eyes a reassurance to Aaron and less of an irritant. Those eyes saw him, which yes, was frightening, but meant that Aaron wasn’t alone in his insecurities.
Aaron was exhausted. This day had been never ending and still, it wasn’t over. He needed to get up and go look for Robert before he did something stupid and got himself in even more trouble. Aaron shut his eyes. That wasn’t fair. Trouble had found them today.
Even if he was still mad and hurt, Robert didn’t deserve to be left thinking the worst, torturing himself most likely, when Aaron lay here knowing that nothing had changed. Not really. Robert deserved the same luxury, such as it was.
A soft knock on the door startled him and he knew it would be Robert.
The door opened slowly, revealing his dishevelled husband standing, looking so unsure of himself, in the opening.
“Can I come in?” he asked, hesitating in the doorway.
Aaron nodded.
Robert entered the room but left the door open behind him.
Aaron watched him look around the room, with sad eyes, before his gaze finally settled on him.
“I wanted to know if you were coming home… that is I wanted to let you know you could come home. It’s your home. Yours and Liv’s. I don’t think it was ever meant to be mine,” Robert said, his voice breaking every time he uttered the word ‘home’. Aaron’s heart broke a little bit for how much Robert truly undervalued himself.
“Robert…” Aaron tried to say, but his words were cut off by Robert shaking his head at him.
“No, I’m not here to pressure you, Aaron. Before- I’m sorry about that. You don’t owe me anything. Not second or third chances and you’re right I can’t fix this. So, I’m not going to force you to stay with me. No guilt Aaron. This is all my mistake to own, you tried and god I love you for it. It’s more than anyone has ever given me and I don’t deserve it. But I can’t keep hurting you, Aaron. I never wanted to be one of the things that wounded you. I’m sorry, I'm sorry that I broke your trust, I'm sorry I was weak when you needed me most, really, I am just sorry that I destroyed the best thing that has ever happened to me - I'm sorry that I wrecked us. I should go.” Robert said, his eyes wet with unshed tears.
Aaron let out a sigh and sat up. “Robert, sit down, you can't give up on us yet” he said indicating the space on the bed next to him.
Robert stared, then sat down as requested, his hands stroking over the bare mattress.
“I don’t know how to be okay with this Robert,” Aaron said, and it was the truth. They had promised, to be honest from now on.
Robert was quiet for a few moments, his eyes followed the curve of Aaron’s arms where they wrapped around himself. Robert held out his hand tentatively, Aaron simply put his in Robert’s. He stroked his finger over Aaron’s wedding ring and said, “You’re still wearing it?”
It wasn’t really a question Robert could see for himself it was firmly in place on Aaron’s hand and yet Arron felt the need to say, “Yeah. I wasn’t planning on taking it off again.”
Robert closed his eyes, a move Aaron knew meant he was bracing himself for something painful and he was frightened about whatever was about to happen. Aaron couldn’t deal with any more cuts to his heart today.
“Sometimes I wish I’d died when I got shot,” Robert whispered gripping Aaron’s hand tight.
“You what?” Aaron asked using his free hand to grip Robert’s chin and make him look at Aaron.
Pain sharp and swift pierced Aaron’s gut but a flash of anger washed it clear. “Don’t be stupid,” he said not letting Robert look away.
Swallowing loudly Robert said, “I don’t mean to be. It’s just, I know I hurt you back then, but it was nothing like this. It would’ve saved us both a fair amount of heartbreak. Because I knew. I wasn’t ready to admit it, but I knew what you meant to me, for me.” Robert paused for just a moment before continuing, looking Aaron straight in the eye.
“But I didn’t know what it would feel like to call you my husband. To hear you say, ‘I do’. To spend every night falling asleep next to you, falling a little more in love with you every night, only to wake up and realise that yesterday’s love was nothing compared to how I felt when I saw you lying next to me safe, happy and to know you were proud to have me. Me. Robert Sugden constant fuck up and disappointment. You let me be your family and now I have nothing, I only have myself to blame, I'm so angry I can't even tell you. I want to set the world on fire.”
Robert snorted in a self-deprecating manner, “Who am I kidding? I already did. So, yeah, I wish I’d died before I knew how much I could really lose, what a failure I really am. Turns out dad was right after all and what’s worse is I don’t even care, I just can’t watch this hurt you, Aaron. I can’t. So, I’ll go.”
Aaron pissed now, clutching Robert’s jaw in his hand and he resisted the urge to shake him.
“You’d just leave? So, you are a liar then? Was Rebecca right? I’m no different and you can’t be trusted to keep your word? You promised to stay. That you would be the one who wouldn’t leave me, Robert,” he said, releasing his grip, pulling his hand out of Robert’s and leaving him free to get up and leave if it was really what he wanted.
“I’d never leave you Aaron but I can try and let you go because I can’t fix it. I can’t change it. You know I love you. God, I hope you know I love you. If I could I’d go back to the beginning and I was actually strong enough, I’d leave you alone, because I hated myself, but I had no idea what a monster I really was,” Robert said shrinking into himself as Aaron watched on.
Aaron was frustrated now, he wanted to shake Rob and hold him all at once. Robert Sugden was a fuck up yeah, but he wasn’t a villain. How the fuck did they end up here, bleeding all over this room that used to be theirs? Aaron wanted to punch Jack Sugden and Rebecca… no, it was better to not think about things he couldn’t change, not when his husband was falling apart right before his eyes.
“You’re not a monster Robert. You didn’t make this mess alone. Rebecca was there, she knew what she was doing,” Aaron said hoping some of it would get through to Robert.
“Maybe, but she didn’t deserve the way I treated her after,” Robert argued.
“And did you Robert? Did you deserve to have someone you thought was your friend take advantage of you, take advantage of the situation? Because she did Robert. I was pissed at you yesterday and I still am, but you forget I was her once. You came to me drunk, upset and confused. I wanted you. I wanted you to be mine, just like she did, but I kept you safe. I could have had you, but I didn’t. She had the same choice. Just like she chose to lie to you about the baby. She doesn’t know you, Robert. If she did she would have left you alone,” Aaron said so angry on Robert’s behalf.
He watched as Robert pulled a pained face at his words, realising how he might have interpreted it he said, “She would have known you were playing her, that you and I would never truly be over. That you would always love me. She obviously doesn’t know me either. I went to see her earlier and she tried to warn me off, if she knew me, even a tiny bit, she would know I will always love you. Always Robert even when I hate you, I love you more than anything.”
As Aaron finished speaking he realised that he meant every word. He felt it in his bones. Robert loved him. Would love him for as long as Aaron let him.
“You don’t want me to go? I don’t want to keep hurting you. I feel like the world is trying to punish me for my past mistakes, but you are the one who keeps getting the hits. I need to keep you safe, even if that means keeping you safe from me. Maybe, Paddy was right, the only way you’ll ever be safe is if I let you go. You said it yourself, she’ll always be there waiting to twist the knife, trying to get between us,” Robert argued, but he shuffled closer to Aaron reaching out to him running a finger over Aaron’s wedding ring.
Aaron knew he could throw it in Robert’s face, that he’d let Rebecca have this power over them, but he also knew Robert would take the hit and absorb it. That was yesterday’s argument, today he needed to move past it, so they could have tomorrow.
“I know you don’t want her,” Aaron said instead.
“Do you?” Robert asked sounding so small and unsure.
“Look at you, Robert, you’re a mess,” Aaron answered softening his words with a small smile. He turned his hand over and linked his fingers with Robert’s.
“Thanks,” Robert said, squeezing Aaron’s hand.
“You know what I mean. I know you love me. I know it deep down, where she can’t touch it, but a child Robert. Your child with her. I’m not going to lie it hurts,” Aaron whispered, leaning into Robert, needing to be close.
Robert moved so that there was barely space for air between them and said in the same hushed tone as Aaron, “I don’t want it.”
“Robert…” Aaron tried.
“I don’t. You don’t get it. You think I want a family with anyone other than you? I don’t. You’re my family. I thought about it too, you know, about a family with you. Kids. I used to think I would be a rubbish dad, but with Liv…I feel like I could do it with you. Your baby Aaron, your genes. You’d be a brilliant dad and that'd be another part of you for me to love, that’s what I want. You think I could ever love something that would cause you pain?” Robert’s words harsh, but filled Aaron with such wonder. The awe of being so loved.
“I went to see my counsellor again, after I spoke to Rebecca and it was the right thing to do but we didn’t even really talk about the baby, just about me and you. I didn’t realise why until just now. This child won’t define us, Robert, not if we don’t let it and its creation shouldn’t define it either. This child is innocent of all of our mistakes,” Aaron could see that Robert was resisting what he was trying to say.
He pressed a kiss to Robert’s mouth, just a touch of lips barely anything before he said, “I hate this, yes I'm not going to deny that, but this child would be yours, part of you and Robert, I will love it because it’s yours. You are a better man than you think you are.”
“I’m not,” Robert protested, but Aaron could see the hope in his expression, the please let it be true.
Aaron pulled Robert in for a proper kiss this time, as if he could use it to convince Robert of his conviction.
“You are, end of. Do we need to have all the answers, right now? Can’t we just go home and worry about it tomorrow?” Aaron asked resting his head on Robert’s shoulder.
“I thought everything had changed?” Robert asked, his lips brushing across Aaron’s forehead where he pressed a kiss.
Aaron forced himself to sit up and look at Robert's face on. “It has, but not the fact that I love you and I want to try to fix this. Robert, I want to be with you, go to sleep and wake up in our home, with you, fight over silly things and laugh, with you. I don’t know how. It hurts. Knowing that the baby exists. Hurts. Having to see her face around the village. It all hurts. But the thought of being without you hurts more. I don’t know how we will get through but I think we will. I know I’m not her and I’m not Chrissie. You love me. You love us.”
“I do. I love you more than anything,” Robert vowed, his expression fierce with it.
“And I love you. We might fail Robert but it already hurts so much, isn’t it worth a try? I want to stand beside you,” Aaron said reaching out and brushing a stray tear that had escaped Robert’s eyes.
“You’re amazing Aaron. I don’t do deserve you,” Robert said gripping Aaron’s face in his hands, stroking his cheeks.
Aaron nuzzled against Robert’s hands. He knew how his husband felt because all he wanted to do was touch Robert. They needed it. It was a comfort, it was reassurance that they were both still here.
“Maybe, you don’t,” he said. “But you get me and I get you.”
“Thank you, Aaron,” Robert said pressing kisses against Aaron’s lips, each kiss, punctuation on another word out of Robert’s mouth. “Thank you for not letting me let you go. Thank you for loving me enough, despite who I am.”
Taking his cue from Robert, Aaron returned his kisses and spaced them with the words he needed to say, “I love you not despite but because of who you are.”
“I meant what I said yesterday no more lies, no one else, no more hurting each other and we get help together. We take it one day at a time.” Aaron murmured, close into Robert’s neck.
Robert let out a sigh and rested his forehead against Aaron’s. “I should have told you about before,” he said, guilt edging every word.
“Yes, you should have,” Aaron said in agreement. No judgement, just acknowledgement.
“You have to understand Aaron, you’ve seen so much of the bad side of me, of my failures and I feel hollowed out by it whenever I see it reflected in your eyes. I can’t understand how someone like you could ever love someone like me. I was a horrible person back then. I don’t want to show you that side of me,” Robert said his words small.
Aaron brought his hand up to Robert’s chest and placed it over his heart. “I’ve seen your worst Robert and I still love you.”
“Now you have,” Robert said his voice cracking.
“My darkness Robert. I laid it all bare for you and you never flinched, you never turned away from me. You just loved me. You waited till I was ready. You took care of me. This baby, Robert, it will need that from us. It deserves what we didn’t have. A father who loves it and won’t ever harm it. This way it gets two. You know what that family is like it’s toxic,” Aaron said.
Aaron felt Robert nod slowly against him. “I don’t want to be without you Aaron. Not ever.”
Aaron wanted to climb inside of Robert. He wanted to hold his husband.
“I don’t want to be without you either. So, we’ll deal with tomorrow in the morning. Let’s go home and go to bed,” Aaron said tugging on Robert’s hand to get him to stand.
* * *
Aaron laid in bed wrapped up in Robert, their skin touching, leaving no space for anything but warmth and comfort. They were both exhausted. Wrung out, but still awake.
“Robert, why did you go back in the water for my ring?” Aaron asked remembering his counsellor’s question from earlier.
“It was your ring. I wanted you to have it, to wear it. To be mine for always. When I got to the hospital and I found out you were in surgery, that I might lose you even after I got you out of the car, I went mad. I couldn’t breathe. I’d wasted so much time and I knew you were it for me. My future and I could see it sinking in front of me, just like the ring. I had to go get it. Losing the ring, it was like I was losing you. I needed to have it for you, I needed you to be okay. I love you so much Aaron,” Roberts words were soft in the darkness and each one was like a salve on his heart.
They needed to talk more. It was clear that they both needed to hear how much they were loved, it needed to be a regular occurrence. Aaron made a promise to himself, to make sure that no matter what, that even in anger Robert, would know that Aaron loved him.
“I love you too, idiot.”