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“Okay.”
That was all Missy said. It was all she could say. If her only choice was ‘trying to be good’ or death, well. She had always done whatever she could to stay alive. This was no different.
The Doctor was shocked. He wasn’t sure if her acceptance was because she was truly changing or if it wasn’t really acceptance and more a reaction to the shock of emotions. Could be a combination of both, he supposed. He watched her intently for several moments in silence. When he was certain she wasn’t going to say anything else, he spoke. “Do… Do you want to talk about it?”
She didn’t look at him. Or more accurately, couldn’t. She started with the most recent deaths, because oddly that was the easiest. “When I got your Confession Dial, I summoned Clara. She asked if I had turned ‘good’. I killed two security agents. Didn’t even think about it. And all just to prove that I hadn’t turned good.”
He pursed his lips. “Those wouldn’t lead to this reaction. Not yet.”
“Not for me, you mean.”
He didn’t respond and she shrugged. “You’d be right. I… I’m not weeping about those sorts of killings…”
The Doctor was even more shocked. Missy was admitting to what she was and wasn’t crying about. This was more than he ever expected. But he didn’t speak. He let her continue. His role now was to listen.
“I was thinking about Tremas. Taking over his body…. Killing him so I could go on.”
The Doctor bowed his head. Nyssa had been so hurt by that. She had been convinced that as long as the Master had inhabited her father’s body, he would never be at peace in the afterlife. It had been difficult to console her.
Missy continued. “But that wasn’t the only reason. You had taken a liking to Nyssa and had ignored me. Again. Worse, you had defeated me. I took that body as revenge on you.”
The Doctor wasn’t surprised by this admission. After all, they had been at odds with each other for a very long time. He was used to the Master blaming him for different things across the aeons. Really, this was more what the Doctor had expected. While tears were a good start, clearly Missy hadn’t learned as much as the Doctor had hoped.
“Then I thought about the time I captured you and conquered Earth. The Archangel Network? I got the idea from the Monks.”
The Doctor was dumbstruck. How could he have possibly forgotten that? He pulled a hand down his face and nearly made a comment about it but Missy continued. “Well, I made improvements, of course. I wasn’t going to plug myself into any network. I had things to do. And yes I wanted to be Master over the entire universe and Earth was a good place to start. But mostly it was because you loved Earth more than you loved me.”
Now, that very much sounded like the Master. The Doctor nodded his understanding. “You were jealous. Is that part of why you’re crying?”
Missy’s face scowled. She shook her head ‘no’ and the tendrils of her hair fluttered in response. “I can see them. See them all, as clearly as I see you. The names float into my mind….” Her face crumpled again and it was a moment before she spoke. She raised her hand and pointed to something only she could see. “I could count them, I see them so clearly. All those who died at my hand….” Her voice tapered off.
The Doctor remembered that feeling as well. Once he had accepted that he had survived the Time War and started to count all the lives lost… He sighed. “You can. If you think it would help.”
At that, her head snapped to look at him, an edge returned to her tone. “Is that what you do? Is keeping count why your version of good is vain, arrogant, and sentimental?”
She had said that earlier and it stung just as much this time as it had last time. “This isn’t about me. It’s about you.”
“But it is about you. You’re my judge, gaoler, and executioner. You decide if I’ve turned good or not. How can I ever hope to be good when the measuring stick you use against me is one you refuse to acknowledge for yourself?”
The Doctor stared at Missy for a long time. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but this was something that he hadn’t expected.
“Missy… I…”
“Save it, Doctor. I know. 'You’re sorry.'”
“No.”
She raised an eyebrow at him.
“Well, yes. That too, but that isn’t what I planned to say first.” He paused and took a breath. “You’re right. About my kind of good. It’s not the best kind of good to be. And maybe you can help me make it better.”
Missy didn’t know what to do with that, so she just nodded. “Maybe.” She paused briefly before continuing. “You should go. There’s a conversation you need to have with your Plus One.”
“What conversation?”
“Don’t play dumb with me.” She gave him a weighted glance.
The Doctor frowned. “How do you know about that?”
“There’s not a lot else to do in here. I know quite a bit about what goes on out there.”
“Will you be all right?”
She shrugged. “I think I need to be alone for a bit.”
The Doctor was shocked at how much she had changed in such a short time. He hoped this was a step in the right direction, but he also knew Missy still had a long way to go. He nodded and gestured to the containment field. She stood and stepped into it. With that, the Doctor left the Vault and locked it behind him. Then he went to find Bill.
The Doctor returned to his office and when Bill didn’t turn up for her six o’clock appointment, he grew concerned. At three minutes past six, he sent a text. There was no reply and at ten past six he went looking for her. At twenty past six, he found her in the school chapel. He sat down beside her and waited for her to speak.
“Seventeen minutes. Didn’t take you that long when we were on the Thames.”
Bill’s voice was quiet, subdued. Yet she knew better than to ask how he found her.
The Doctor ran a hand through his hair. “Well, I have to admit that after everything with the monks, this is the last place I thought you’d end up.”
Bill nodded. “I thought you’d think like that. It’s why I chose it.”
“I can go… if you’d rather be alone.”
Bill shrugged. He frowned, stood, and made to leave.
“I was working on my essay about Free Will….”
The Doctor paused and sat down again. “Go on.”
“I was going to talk about how important it was. But that care had to be taken, because while Free Will was how I was able to free us from the Monks, it was also what led to my giving consent to them.”
He thought about that statement. As a paper it was probably pretty well written. He didn’t understand why she was this upset about it. “Something changed your mind. What?”
“I realised I shot you because of it.”
He thought they had been over this. He thought she understood what he had done. Missy was right, he supposed. He needed to talk with Bill about this. He hung his head for a minute, debating how best to continue. “Bill, I knew what you would do. And backed you into a corner so you would do it.”
“But I still chose to take the gun. To pull the trigger. Four times.”
“So did every person in that room.”
“You’re lying. You said deprogrammed.”
He released a soft sigh and nodded. He was lying in an attempt to comfort her. He should know better. He did know better. River had taught him as much.
Bill continued. “So if you knew I would do that, do I really have Free Will?”
Ah. Here was the crux of her issue. He pursed his lips and thought about it. “The assignment was about the mechanics of Free Will, so you tell me.”
“Stop it! Just stop!” Her voice was loud enough to echo around the chapel. She looked around to see if anyone else was there and then she took a breath to calm herself before she continued. “I’m not asking you as my tutor, okay? I’m asking you as the Doctor. As my friend. As the one who saves this planet time and again.”
“You’ve been the one doing that quite a bit recently....”
She growled in frustration and the Doctor offered a nod to show that he wasn’t going to say anything more. She nodded at his silence. The silence stretched awhile longer each waiting for the other to continue. The Doctor couldn’t stand it any longer and he stood and started to pace. “I don’t think your question is really about Free Will. Your admission about taking the gun and pulling the trigger tells me that much. So what is your question, Bill?”
“You were proud of me for shooting you. I had just killed the most remarkable man I had ever met. And you were proud of me.”
He shook his head. “You killed a man you thought had betrayed himself, betrayed his promise to protect Earth. You killed someone who had betrayed his promise to keep you safe.”
She frowned at that. And shook her head. “You said you had to test me. Make sure I wasn’t under the influence of the Monks. You said you knew I would shoot you, but even I didn’t know until I pulled the trigger.”
Bill was on the edge of tears now, reliving that memory. The Doctor returned to where she sat and sat near her. His voice was soft and tender. “Bill, what are you really struggling with? What part of this is making you the most upset?”
At that question, the tears spilled over and she bent over to wrap her arms around her legs. She cried harder. The Doctor knew Bill was a bit more tactile than he was. He pushed past his own feelings about touch and reached out to gently rest his hand on her back. She carried on for a few moments and finally when she thought she could speak again, she lifted her head to look at him. He removed his hand from her back as she sat up. Her face was stained with tears, even as she tried to clean them off.
“As far as I knew, I killed you. I… I didn’t know I had the capacity to do that.”
The Doctor raised his eyebrow. He thought all humans had the capability to do it. And he thought all humans knew that about themselves. “Trapped animals who know they are trapped will do some shocking things when they want freedom.”
Bill growled again. “Doctor, shut up, or I swear I’ll…”
She realised what she was about to say and to whom. She covered her mouth in shock and then made to stand. She needed to run away from all of this. He did something he did very rarely in this body. He grabbed hold of her arm, turned her around, and pulled her into a hug.
The Doctor rested his cheek atop her head and just held her silently for about a minute. “You are so brilliant, I forget sometimes. About that conversation we had on the ice… About how fragile you can be.” He paused and took a breath. Then moved her back far enough so he could look into her eyes properly. “Bill, I forgive you.”
She had started to weep again, but at his last statement, she moved out of his hold. “How dare you.”
Her voice was low and dangerous. The Doctor was confused. “I’m sorry?”
“How. Dare. You.” She stood and stepped away from him now. “You made me angry and hurt enough to kill you and you dare to think I’m the one who needs forgiveness? You know what, Doctor? I’m going to write that essay, but not for myself. I’m going to write it because I think there are some things you need to learn about Free Will. Missy was right about you. Your version of good is ‘vain, arrogant, and sentimental’!
She then stormed away, leaving the Doctor in the silent chapel.