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Dan used to be smaller. His shirt size, for one, but also in stature. He’s known Phil for eight years, if you count Skype, much longer if you count the years he was watching his YouTube channel and dreaming about knowing him. Which Dan doesn’t count. Mostly. So in that time he’s changed from that scraggly teenager into a broader, taller, and all round bigger man.
He doesn’t mind it, not all of the time. When he can reach things on high shelves and see over a crowd, and that extra inch or so on Phil really comes in handy sometimes, if not just for the bragging rights alone. But occasionally he misses being that small unsure kid. He misses burrowing into Phil’s arms at night and feeling protected. When his brain is going at a thousand miles an hour and it’s throwing up images of unrealistic, supernatural scenarios that his conscious brain knows, logically, are entirely impossible but is freaking out about anyway, he misses being able to hide in the comfort of Phil’s embrace.
They still cuddle. Ridiculous as it is for two men over six foot to tangle themselves together, they usually find a way. And Dan knows that assigning ‘roles’ to cuddling is stupid and your sleeping position says nothing about your sexual preferences or how submissive you are or any of that nonsense but… it’s become a sort of thing for him to be the ‘big spoon’.
He doesn’t know when it happened because he can definitely remember it being the other way around for most of their relationship. Dan, small, scared, unsure of almost everything at the age of eighteen and for a fair few years after, wrapping himself in Phil at night. And Phil, holding onto his hip and waist with such propriety that Dan felt like it was the only place he belonged. Phil doesn’t get possessive often. The trust between them being about as good as it can be so he has no reason to, so when he used to wind himself around Dan at night, it felt like ownership. In the best way.
But Dan has grown up. Gotten taller, louder, and more confident. They’ve settled a bit, they’re less inclined to need that constant assurance or physical contact to sleep. So much so that on the days Dan does feel a little wobbly, like he could do with Phil just going back to feeling that protective urge, he doesn’t really know how to ask for it.
It doesn’t help that he’s usually getting into bed later than Phil. His boyfriend is usually curled up on his side, breathing steadily into his pillow, mouth parted slightly, fast asleep. So Dan will fling a tired arm over his torso, bury his nose into the familiar curve of his shoulder blade and try to sleep himself.
That might solve it, he reasons, if he just went to bed at the same time as Phil he could engineer the situation without having to ask for a cuddle like a child.
So that night he hatches his plot. Watches as Phil sinks lower and lower into the couch cushion and mirrors every yawn he produces.
“Tired?” Phil asks, looking at him warmly.
“Yeah, I think so.” Dan shrugs.
“Those late nights catching up with you,” Phil chuckles, patting his knee. “I’m going to bed now. You coming?”
Dan nods and Phil‘s face lights up in delight.
They brush their teeth side by side, bumping hips playfully and Dan watches, leaning on the door frame, as Phil removes his contacts and slips his glasses on. He smiles as Phil runs a sleepy hand through his hair and ruffles it slightly. They change into pyjamas, well Phil does, Dan simply strips off to his boxers and climbs into their shared bed. Phil is a jumble of colours against the white bed sheets and Dan smiles. Phil will never fit his aesthetic, and yet he’s still Dan’s favourite thing in this room.
They share a few sleepy warm and lingering kisses before Phil is turning over, nestling into bed and whispering a soft ‘goodnight’. Dan stares at his back, the curve of his shoulder dipping under the duvet. He wishes he could find the words and just say ‘hey Phil I feel a bit vulnerable right now, would it be okay if you just held me for a bit?’ but he doesn’t. It sounds ridiculous in his own head so he knows it will sound even more pathetic out loud.
Dan has a re-think about the whole thing and resigns to putting his arm around Phil anyway. Rolls over close to him, feels the warm press of his body against his chest and reasons that this isn’t that bad. It’s nice. He’ll never dislike any configuration where he has Phil close to him, the memory of those long distance years a permanent reality check to just how much yearning he is capable of. But still, he wishes he could find a way.
The next night he does much the same, and he doesn’t have to pretend to be as tired this time, a genuine yawn escaping him as Phil gets up to go to bed.
“You’re getting old,” Phil says, holding out a hand to pull him from the couch.
“Yeah right, old man, you’re the decrepit one in this relationship.”
“You’ve been saying that since I was your age though,” Phil notes with a laugh, squeezing Dan’s hand in his and not dropping it.
Dan manages to get into bed first while Phil is still sliding his cookie monster pyjamas on. He turns away from Phil’s side of the bed, his back to Phil in the hopes that he will take the initiative and curl up close.
“You okay?” Phil asks, voice edged on concern.
“Just tired,” Dan says, starting to fake a yawn but finding a real one overtakes it.
“Okay,” Phil says, dropping a kiss on his bare shoulder. “Goodnight.”
Dan listens to the duvet moving, feels the dip of the bed at his back, but Phil doesn’t slide up behind him, doesn’t throw a comforting arm over his waist, doesn’t make Dan feel protected and small. Instead he curls up on his side and falls into a peaceful sleep.
Dan lays awake for longer than he should. Staring at the ceiling and blowing a sigh out of his nose. He doesn’t know how to fix it, so perhaps it’s time to give up on the idea. Maybe it will just never be like that again, Dan is older now like Phil had said. He shouldn’t need his boyfriend to make him feel better. He closes his eyes and resolves to let it go.
The next night he doesn’t yawn. He doesn’t follow Phil when Phil gets up and stretches.
“Coming?”
“No, think I’m going to Tumblr for a bit longer,” Dan says, not looking away from the screen.
Phil nods and Dan could swear he looks disappointed for a second. He makes his way to bed and leaves Dan in the living room illuminated by the artificial glow of his laptop screen.
It’s a few hours later when Dan breaks. When the temperature has dropped and he hasn’t moved in a while so the cold has set into his bones. He closes his laptop and walks zombie-like to the bedroom. He hovers on the edge of it when he gets there, unsure in a way that he hasn’t been for years. It’s stupid, he admonishes himself, to feel nervous or scared of just getting into bed with the man he has loved for so many years and simply asking him for what he needs.
He sets a knee on the mattress, reaches over with a pointed finger and pokes Phil in the shoulder.
“Phil,” he whispers.
No response.
“Phil!” he says a bit louder and watches as Phil jerks into wakefulness.
“Dan?” he says, blinking through what Dan knows is his blurry vision and reaching out a hand. “You okay?”
His hand lands on Dan’s knee and pats around as if looking for reassurance that he is in one piece.
“I’m okay,” Dan assures him, “I just…”
“Hm?”
“I… Can I… I mean… Can we…” he groans at his own inarticulateness and drops to lay next to Phil in the bed, finding his hand in the dark. “Can we have a cuddle?”
“Silly old Bear” Phil says, reaching for him, “Of course we can.”
He tries to get Dan to turn and cuddle up against his body but Dan doesn’t go easily.
“Dan?” he says again, questioningly.
Dan shuts his eyes tight so he doesn’t have to look at Phil when he says the next part, “Could you be the big spoon?”
Phil lets out a bit of a laugh before he stops himself. “Sorry,” he apologises, “Yes… of course.”
“I know it’s stupid.”
“It’s not,” Phil insists, pushing at Dan gently to get him to roll over.
Dan goes, turning onto his side and feeling a bubble of happy rise in his chest when Phil comes up close behind him and tangles their feet together. His arm snakes over Dan’s chest, holding him flush back against Phil’s warm body and he feels himself sink into the heat.
He threads their fingers together on his stomach and wiggles back slightly, getting impossibly closer. “I miss this sometimes,” he admits.
“Miss what?” Phil asks, “We sleep together every night.”
“I miss being the smaller one,” Dan whispers, and it’s easier to say these things into the darkness of his bedroom when he doesn’t have to look at Phil directly. “I miss feeling like you’re there to protect me.”
He feels Phil’s breath on the back of his neck and the hairs stand up, goosebumps spreading outward from the sensitive spot.
“I miss feeling like you need me to,” Phil murmurs into his skin.
“What?”
He can feel Phil shrug even if he can’t see him. “You’re not as scared anymore. You don’t need me to reassure you that your videos are worth something, or that you’ll do fine without university. You haven’t needed that for a while. I miss it.” He pauses, but Dan knows he isn’t done. “That sounds wrong. Because I’m so happy that you’re happy now. I don’t want you to be unhappy or scared or unsure… but I miss how you used to look to me for answers occasionally, even if it’s just this.” He tightens his arm around Dan briefly.
“I’ll always need you,” Dan says, stroking his thumb over Phil’s knuckles and dipping his hips backwards to meet Phil’s in a comforting gesture. “I’m still unsure about everything. All the time. I just figured you’d gotten tired of having to look after me.”
“I’ll always be here for you, Bear.” Phil kisses the back of his neck and Dan shivers.
“I’ll always need you to be,” Dan says, bringing Phil’s hand to his mouth briefly, “sometimes.”
Phil yawns in his ear. “Next time you need it, just ask,” he says, “I’m here.”
Dan nods, though he knows Phil can’t see it. He settles back into Phil’s embrace, feeling small and protected and utterly at home. He sighs contentedly, and lets his eyes slip closed.