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Sometimes, Keith will walk the halls in the dead of night, when everyone’s dead asleep after a battle. He won’t be disturbed that way, save for the few times he’s run into Shiro. They tell each other to go sleep, that they’re always there for each other, and quietly ignore everything that was said. Shiro’s gotten pushier recently, so Keith’s done his best to stay away from the places he frequents at two three four in the morning.
On particularly restless nights, he’ll let himself drift with Red for a few hours, or discover some new thing about the castle. He learned the secret to the pool a while ago. It deals with tricking gravity and allowing your body to realign itself in the water.
Some nights he just sits in his room, quietly hitting his head against his wall to shake out some of the fog surrounding his brain. Some nights he’ll stick the Altean equivalent of paper towels to his bleeding arms, hips, legs, because hitting his head on things didn’t do enough.
Red voices her concerns when he visits her, wrapping around his mind like an anxious, comforting blanket. She asks if she needs to do anything more, if she shouldn’t tell Allura and Coran. He tells her firmly that no, no he has it under control, there’s nothing she needs to worry about, please, Red, don’t tell.
This gives her everything she needs to know, but she still hesitates, waiting to see if maybe he really can control it.
He can’t.
The water of the pool is quiet, and that’s what he wants right now, because everything in his head is loud and overbearing. So he slinks his way through back-hallways just so he won’t run into Shiro on one of his night-time excursions.
It’s cold as he slips into the water, soaking through is clothes. His binder squeezes at his chest, digging into his ribs, which are aching to be freed after a full day of wear. His bayard is in his hands. He remembers Allura saying something about them being able to change shape at the will of a paladin, and he focuses. He wants something heavy, that will hold him under, but that he can let go of quickly and float back up if need be.
Keith’s not entirely certain he’ll need that, but it’s better safe than sorry.
He can feel Red in the back of his mind, and he shushes her, closing off his mind. The bayard in his hand shifts into a weight, a heavy one, and he sucks in a breath before going under.
Water floats over his head, and he opens his eyes. The water stings a bit, but everything glows blue around him. It’s calming, relaxing, and he keeps blocking out Red’s panicked yelling in the back of his head.
It’s nice while it lasts, but his air slowly bubbles up to the surface and he’s left with a burning in his lungs. When they force themselves open to suck in air that isn’t there, he gets a mouthful of water and a deep-set ache in his chest. His throat spasms, and he reluctantly lets go of his bayard and floats up to the top.
Coughing up water, he heaves himself over the edge, clothes clinging and dripping. A pair of feet sit in his peripheral, but he can’t be bothered with that. He’s too busy refilling his body with oxygen.
“Quite the scare that was, Number Four!”
With shaky arms, he pushes himself upright, wishing he was still under the water so he wouldn’t have to deal with this.
“Hi, Coran.”
He leans down next to Keith, forcing eye contact. “It’s a little late for swimming, no?”
“It’s a little more private at night.”
“A little too private! A few more ticks and you wouldn’t have been having a very fun time.” Coran eyes his clothes. “Are humans usually so modest in their swimwear?”
His shoulders stiffen. “Why are you here?”
“Oh, I’m just checking up on some things around the castle. The red lion almost woke the entire ship with her distress signal, so of course I had to get that sorted out.”
Of course Red said something. Of course of course or course.
“Is there anything you’d like to talk about, young paladin?”
“No,” he says roughly, still lightly coughing to get the remaining water out of his lungs. “I think I’m good.”
“I know I talk on and on about thing you Earthlings don’t seem to understand, but I can be quite the good listener if I do say so myself.”
“I’m sure you are Coran, but there’s nothing to talk about. I went swimming when I was supposed to be sleeping and swallowed some water. I’m fine, and I think I should get to bed.”
He tries to stand, but Coran stops him with a gentle hand. Keith looks at him, and it’s the oldest he’s ever seen Coran look. His eyes are tired and patient, but his face is not happy.
“There are cameras around the castle, and the red lion was not vague in her description in what she thought you were doing. She had quite a few things on there, but this was the most important.”
He folds in on himself a little, and he wants to be mad, but that’s so Red. If she can’t take care of what’s hurting him herself, she’ll do the next best thing.
“I am not your leader, so I think it best we tell Shiro.”
He snaps his head up. “No, no don’t. He has enough to deal with I can’t be another thing for him to worry about.”
“He would not be ‘dealing’ with you, Keith. He’s your friend and he cares about you, and as you leader, it’s important for him to know these things about his teammates.”
“Please,” he tries weakly, already knowing the answer. Coran is not unkind, but he can be very firm. “Please don’t”
“Let’s get you dried off and the we’ll see about finding Shiro. I believe he’s walking around on the third level right now.”
Coran gets Keith a towel, pajamas, and blanket that he wraps himself in. The halls are quiet as they walk the third floor to find Shiro. He’s camped in one of the star rooms, sifting through maps and stray signals. Coran makes their presence known well before they reach him, makes his footsteps heavier and says a couple words to Keith before they go in.
“Ah, Shiro! Just the man I wanted to see.”
Shiro turns to look at them, briefly surprised. “Hello Coran, Keith. What are you two up so late for?”
“Now that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Would you like to sit down?”
They all sit, and Keith wraps his blanket around his face so he doesn’t have to see the disappointment on Shiro’s face. Coran explains things in a quiet voice, and Keith would definitely rather be at the bottom of the pool right now.
He expects anger. The last people who found out, the last foster home he’d been in, they had been angry. They’d purged his room of sharps and forced him into short sleeved shirts and treated it like a personal offence against them.
Shiro is much more quiet than they were, and he wonders if his face is as terrifying as he imagines it to be.
The hug startles him, and he looks up to a very visibly worried Shiro.
“I’ll leave the two of you to talk about this,” Coran says, leaving as quietly as he can.
“How long has this been going on?”
“Before the Garrison,” Keith mumbles. Shiro drags his hands down his face, shaking his head.
“You never said anything?”
“Didn’t wanna burden you.”
Shiro says something about him never being a burden, and that’s just not true. He was a burden on the families he stayed with, though they had his anger coming to them. He was a burden on Shiro when he went to the Garrison, always trailing behind him like some lost dog. He’s a burden to the team now, because his brains fucked up and he sunk himself to the bottom of a pool at three in the morning.
“Tonight was a mistake,” he says, scooting out of Shiro’s grip. “It won’t happen again.”
“That’s not what I’m trying to get at. Talk to me about tonight? Really talk to me?”
“I wanted quiet, and the water’s quiet.”
“That’s it?”
He nods.
“Did you want to come back up?”
This stops his thoughts. Did he? He’s not really sure. He could have put the weight on his chest and waited down there forever if he’d wanted to. But the universe needs him, and Red needs him, and the others need him.
“I don’t know,” he says honestly. “I really don’t.”
Shiro looks incredibly defeated, and Keith mumbles a quiet sorry in hopes to appease him.
“Don’t be. I just want you to be okay.”
Keith doesn’t have anything more to say without repeating himself, so he keeps his mouth shut. Shiro looks him over, and his eyes are sad again, and Keith hates it.
“You should get some sleep and we’ll talk about it more in the morning.”
He doesn’t want to talk about it ever, but if he’s getting let off the hook for right now, he’ll take it.
“You too. You have to get some sleep, too.”
“Alright,” he says, letting Keith lead the way back to the hallway with their bedrooms in it.
“Please don’t do anything dumb instead of sleeping,” Shiro asks a little to desperately for Keith’s liking.
“Wouldn’t even dream of it.”
The smile he gets is worth it, and Shiro gently squeezes his shoulder.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Night Shiro,” he says, turning into his room.
“Goodnight, Keith.”