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It’s a Friday afternoon, and the boys are packing up the equipment, ready for Coach Ukai to finish practice. Hitoka yawns and stretches, uncomfortable from hunching over a clipboard for so long. She giggles as Suga whacks Tsukishima on the back, and laughs outright when Yamaguchi pokes him in the neck.
“Shimizu-san, Yachi-san, I’ve been meaning to ask you both to count up our donations and allot funds for our club.” Hitoka jumps as Takeda-sensei comes up behind her, shuddering as she turns around.
“Oh, yes, I’d totally forgotten.” Shimizu looks crestfallen, pinching her forehead tiredly. Hitoka doesn’t know what to make of that. Shimizu has always been a dedicated, hardworking manager, and it’s rare that she let something slip past her long enough for someone else to notice and bring it up. Hitoka shakes her head and fixes Takeda-sensei with a winning smile.
“We’ll do it tonight, Takeda-sensei! I promise.” After receiving an affirming nod, she moves to the side to let him pass and turns back to Shimizu, smiling. “Shimizu-senpai, does tonight work for you?”
Shimizu stares at her for a second, mouth slightly agape, eyes wide.
“...Shimizu-senpai? Are you feeling okay?” Before Hitoka realizes what she’s doing, she reaches out to press a hand to her senpai’s forehead. As soon as they make contact, Yachi jumps and retracts her hand, resisting the urge to scream. What did I just do?!
Shimizu rouses then as if from a nap, stepping back and crossing her arms loosely. “I’m -- I’m feeling okay, Hitoka-chan. Don’t worry.”
“O-o-okay, Shimizu-senpai!” Hitoka is ready for the floor to open up and swallow her and drop her into the deepest darkest cellar the world has to offer. She peeks back at Shimizu and sees her lips curling up, a hand rising to cover her smile. “Sh-should we go?”
“Hmm? Oh, yes.” Shimizu’s hand drops to her side and Hitoka can’t help but follow it with her gaze. “Let’s get going.”
They settle themselves in the clubroom on the floor, papers spread out and a big box of money in the middle of the room. After counting it, Shimizu makes a list of needs and Hitoka begins to divvy up the money for each need.
Hitoka is content like this, working side-by-side with Shimizu. They work in a comfortable silence, broken only when Shimizu’s phone buzzes. She frowns and swipes the notification away, but Hitoka notices something on the now-bare lock screen.
“Is that Michimiya-senpai from the Girls’ Volleyball Club?” Hitoka eyes Shimizu’s phone background curiously.
“Hmm, Hitoka-chan is very observant. Yes, it is.” Shimizu smiles as she picks up her phone, clicking it off. She holds it in a loose grip, rubbing the screen absently.
Hitoka twirls a short lock of hair around her pencil. “You and Michimiya-senpai seem like such great friends,” she says wistfully. Of course Shimizu-senpai would be friends with someone athletic and charming like Michimiya-senpai. I’m not athletic at all! Shimizu-senpai was on the track team and everything…
Her thoughts are interrupted by Shimizu’s thoughtful hum. “Well,” she says, stretching out the word. “Actually, she and I dated for a while back in first and second year.”
All of Hitoka’s brain processes come to a screeching halt, and she’s left to stare unbecomingly at Shimizu. “D-dated?”
Shimizu’s expression doesn’t change, but Hitoka catches a momentary tightening of her eyebrows. When she speaks, Hitoka wants to hide. “Is that something that makes you uncomfortable?”
The resignation in her voice startles a response out of Hitoka. “Oh! I mean, no! No, not at all!” Hitoka’s hands jump of their own accord in front of her face, emphasizing her words. “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all!” She lets her hands drop into her lap, staring everywhere but Shimizu’s eyes. “I just...was surprised. Shimizu-senpai likes girls as well as boys, I guess.” Figures. Shimizu-senpai is attractive enough to attract everyone. Meanwhile, what am I? A nervous mess. Shimizu-senpai could never like someone like me...
“I never said I liked boys.” Shimizu hums amusedly, as if she hasn’t given Hitoka seven heart attacks in the last five minutes.
Hitoka’s head snaps up to meet Shimizu’s eyes once more. “Sh-Shimizu-senpai...are you a lesbian?” The last few words come out as a whisper, as Hitoka ponders how every star in the universe could have aligned to create this, the most beautiful of coincidences. Shimizu-senpai is a lesbian. I’m a lesbian! The rest of her thoughts are a high-pitched squeal as her mind struggles to accept the fact that the object of Hitoka’s adorations just came out to her, the lowly Townsperson B (and though she’d tried to lose that idea months and months ago, the niggling doubt never seemed to leave her brain).
Shimizu laughs once, and Hitoka swears she can see stars. “Yes, Hitoka-chan,” she says gently. “Are you sure it doesn’t bother you?”
“No, Shimizu-senpai, it’s really, really okay!” Hitoka answers eagerly. She isn’t met with a response, only a hum of -- is that relief? -- and a smile as Shimizu turns back to the chart on the desk. Now would be the perfect time to come out to Shimizu, to affirm her own identity, but--
She can’t.
It’s not that she’s scared of Shimizu’s judgement, it’s just -- okay, maybe she is scared of her judgement. Hitoka knows very well that Shimizu would never assume anything about her, but she wants so badly to impress her senpai, and what good would it be if she came out as the exact same sexuality as her in the same ten minutes? Hitoka mentally curses that she had to also be a lesbian before stopping her thoughts. This is ridiculous. Her sexuality isn’t something she can help any more than Shimizu’s is. Now just isn’t the time to tell her.
As Hitoka agonizes over the finer details of her orientation, Shimizu bites her lip before filling the lull in conversation. “Yui-chan is actually the one who introduced me to volleyball. When we were in junior high, the girl’s track team and volleyball club used the same gym for warmups. I had seen her before then -- I think we went to the same primary school, actually -- but I never knew her until junior high. We were both in Class 3 together in our second and third years. We...we were really good friends even then.” She smiles, and Hitoka can almost see the memories flashing behind her eyes. “She was always trying to get me into volleyball, but I wasn’t interested. All she could manage to teach me was a basic serve.
“Then we came to our third year,” Shimizu says, leaning back in her chair. Hitoka can tell that she’s growing comfortable telling the story. “At the first track meet, Yui-chan came to cheer me on, and I was so nervous. My legs and hands were shaking before the meet even started! I really wanted to perform well for her.” She hesitates for a second before continuing. “It must have gotten to my head. In the 400m hurdles, my foot caught on a hurdle, and I broke my ankle when I fell on it.”
Hitoka gasps, putting a hand to her mouth. “Oh my god. Shimizu-senpai…”
“It was a bimalleolar ankle fracture.” Shimizu stops, taking a deep breath. “I had to have surgery, but the swelling was too much. They had to delay the surgery until it stopped. By the time I had surgery, the doctors had already detected ankle arthritis.”
“Oh no, that’s...that’s horrible,” Hitoka whispers, at a loss for words.
“I had to wear an ankle brace, and my doctors told me I had to quit track. They said I could do a lower-impact sport, but at that point...I didn’t really feel like it.” Shimizu pauses, hesitating, and looks at Hitoka. “I’m sorry, this is a lot. Am I boring you?”
“No, no!” Hitoka almost falls over herself apologizing. “No, this is fine! I…” She looks down at her hands before peeking up again. “I’m really honored that you trust me with this information, Shimizu-senpai.”
Shimizu blinks and then averts her eyes, a dusty pink smattering her cheeks. “Okay,” she murmurs, clearing her throat before she continues.
“I was really upset. Yui-chan tried her best to help, but I’d lost a big part of my life. I felt like I didn’t have anything left to care about. I started to slack off in school, and Yui was there for me, of course, but...everything stopped moving. I felt like I had stumbled and suddenly everyone was running ahead of me. I was falling behind in the race.”
Hitoka nods, watching the story take its toll on the teller. She recognizes the feeling of stagnation more than she’d ever care to admit, and watching Shimizu relive it is distressing.
“I was diagnosed with depression, and started going to therapy. My therapist was nice, but...I really just wanted to run again more than anything. She couldn’t do anything about that.
“But then, Yui-chan decided that if I wasn’t going to do school work or any other sport, I could at least set for her. She made me stay after practice with her every week, and taught me how to set a volleyball. At first, I’d just set from a chair, but after I moved to a soft brace, I was able to walk a bit better, and I’d help her practice. I...really needed that, I think.” Shimizu looks up, a smile beginning to curve her lips. “I should have realized even then that I was in love with her.”
Though Hitoka knows that they broke up eventually, the words send a pang through her. She doesn’t let it show, though, only saying, “That’s so sweet, Shimizu-senpai!”
Shimizu laughs softly. “There’s not much more to tell. Once we got to high school, she recommended me to Daichi-san, and I became manager. I wasn’t really planning on that, but...you’ve heard this before, haven’t you.” She huffs out a laugh. “Just a little bit of curiosity.”
Hitoka gives her senpai a wide grin. “Just a little bit of curiosity.”
“After that...things sort of fell into place, I guess. Yui-chan came out as bisexual to me, I came out to her. We started dating. It was nice. I was really happy.”
Curiosity gets the better of Hitoka, and she asks. “What happened? Why did the two of you break up?”
“Ah.” Shimizu’s lips curl downwards slightly at that. “Her grades started to drop quite badly in second year. She failed her exams at the end of the year, and her parents were furious. We couldn’t risk them finding out about us, so we agreed to end it there.” She gives a half shrug, smiling. “We’re still quite close, just friends now.”
“Oh…” Hitoka tries to process all this new information she’s been given. “That’s...really cool, Shimizu-senpai! You’re so cool!”
Shimizu properly laughs at that, a warm, inviting sound. Hitoka thinks she’s never felt happier. “I really am glad you think so, Hitoka-chan.” She gives Hitoka an odd look, one with more meaning than Hitoka has brain cells to interpret at the moment. “Really.”
After that, their conversation is mostly devoted to the reason they were there in the first place -- setting up funds for different aspects of club. Hitoka goes home that night and shuts herself up in her room to ponder. The new information she’s learned today is staggering. Shimizu-senpai is a lesbian…
What does that mean for me?
Do I actually like her, or did I just subconsciously assume that she wasn’t straight? That would be so offensive if she was straight! But maybe it’s because she isn’t that I noticed? Did I sense that she was a lesbian, too? Am I project my want for a relationship with a girl onto her?
Am I even attracted to Shimizu-senpai?
The fact that she has to ask herself is laughable. Ask her any day before today and Hitoka would immediately admit to her humongous crush on Shimizu. But now...now, everything is different. Now, Hitoka doesn’t want her first proper crush to have been fake. Now, she just wants certainty.
“Why did Shimizu-senpai have to come out first?!” Hitoka’s voice is muffled by her pillow, and she squeezes her hands over her ears as she frets over what to do.
Suddenly, she hears a click in the front door, and she darts out to turn off the light and feign sleep. While her mother could probably help (as she’d done with all of Hitoka’s previous Gay Crises™), Hitoka doesn’t want to confide in her just yet.
A week passes, and Hitoka spends her time avoiding Shimizu by offering to tutor Hinata and Kageyama during lunch, taking on extra work from Takeda-sensei during practice, and scampering home as soon as practice ends. She broods long and hard in her room, trying to reconcile her crush on Shimizu (if it can even be called that anymore). It doesn’t help that Shimizu is confused at her withdrawnness. Hitoka doesn’t think she can stand the hurt look she gets when Hitoka makes another excuse to leave her presence much longer.
Hitoka is contemplating this when she gets to practice late one day, huffing a bit as she tries to open the clubroom door. It proves to be a difficult task with a large book bag in the way, not to mention two notebooks and a pencil case. Shimizu is sitting on one of the chairs, twirling a pencil, but when she sees Hitoka, she stands, hurrying over to Hitoka to take the notebooks off her hands.
“Thank you Shimizu-senpai,” Hitoka gasps out, free to put her hands on her knees and double over. Then, remembering the happenings of Friday, she scoots back until she’s almost touching the door. “I can take it from here, thank you very much!” She bows twice and drops her bag and pencil case on the floor before scurrying off to the gym. Once she gets there, the boys are still setting up, so she gives up and makes a beeline for Hinata and Yamaguchi, head still bowed.
“Yacchan, are you okay?” She hears the question from Asahi, but just nods and moves on. “Hey -- what’s wrong with her?”
“Yacchan, is something the matter?” Daichi’s standing in front of her, and she shakes her head quickly, flashing a quick smile.
“It’s all good, Sawamura-senpai! Don’t worry about me!” She lets her face fall back as she passes him, ignoring the worried look he sends Ennoshita.
“Yachi-san, what’s wrong?” Hinata jumps when she butts her head against his shoulder, hiding herself behind Yamaguchi.
“Shhh! You’re too loud.” Hitoka bangs her head on his arm once for emphasis, then again and again, before Yamaguchi puts a hand to her shoulder, restraining her.
“Don’t hurt yourself, Yacchan! What’s wrong?” He rubs her arm with a thumb in what’s supposed to be a comforting gesture, but Hitoka is already antsy, and starts to quiver.
“I don’t know what to think…” She glances back at the door, where Shimizu hasn’t arrived yet.
“Yachi-san!” Hinata turns around fully, grasping her by the shoulders and staring straight at her. “Hey, what’s going on?”
“I…” Hitoka stammers, panicked. “It’s...it’s...girl troubles!”
“Girl...problems?”
As Hinata tilts his head to the side, perplexed, Yamaguchi’s eyes narrow. “What do you mean, girl problems?”
Before Hitoka can try and give another excuse, Hinata’s eyes go wide, and he shouts triumphantly: “Like, periods?”
The gym goes silent. Out of the corner of her eye, Hitoka sees Shimizu standing at the door, muffling a laugh. Her stomach twists.
“Yacchan.” Yamaguchi’s voice is stern, and Hitoka’s head whips back to face him. “I…” He falters for a bit, but then squares his shoulders indignantly. “Periods aren’t girl problems .”
Oh. Oh. Hinata’s misunderstanding has backfired in the worst of ways. “No, that’s -- that’s not what I meant, Tadashi-kun!” But she can’t bring herself to blurt out the truth. Yamaguchi has already turned away from her, stalking towards Tsukishima.
Hitoka sits through practice on edge and skittish. At one point Shimizu tries to ask her what’s wrong, but Hitoka jumps three feet before her senpai can even lay a hand on her shoulder.
Why did everything have to happen today? Hitoka laments, crossing her legs tightly until it became painful. I probably offended Shimizu-senpai, and now this happens...I need to be more careful with my words! She starts to pick at her fingernails, focusing on evening out the stubby cuticles.
“Hitoka-chan.” A cool hand closes over hers, and another sandwiches her hand. Her eyes follow the hand up, and she meets Shimizu’s eyes. Shimizu is frowning, a worry clouding her gray eyes, and she nudges softly at her burning hands. “Don’t.”
Hitoka tries to take back her hand, remembering her tiny fake(?) crush problem, but Shimizu holds firm. “I…” Hitoka looks down, angry at herself. “Stupid,” she mutters, shaking her head and willing the tears to hold their course.
“Hey. ” Shimizu gets off the bench and crouches in front of her until Hitoka can’t avoid her eyes, leaning forward until their foreheads almost touch. Hitoka wills herself to stop moving, stop breathing, stop everything. “Hitoka-chan. You need to breathe. I don’t know what happened with Yamaguchi-kun, but you’re a good friend to him. It’ll be okay. You need to make sure you’re okay before you go after him.”
Hitoka is shaking her head before Shimizu is even finished. “I didn’t even mean for it to happen,” she says miserably, burying her face in her hands. “I said something and it ended up being really offensive, and there’s nothing I can do to make it better.” I can’t even explain to you, she thinks bitterly. You’re the girl problem I’m having . The slap of volleyballs against the floor seems to get softer as Hitoka pulls a finger to her mouth, chewing the nail nervously.
“Hitoka-chan, stop it.” Shimizu admonishes, pulling the digit out of her mouth. “You can always apologize. It’s never too late to apologize.” Her hand lingers on Hitoka’s face, tracing up to her forehead and brushing a strand out of the way. Before she can think of what it means, Hitoka leans into the gesture, closing her eyes, letting the tears flow freely down her cheeks. Shimizu doesn’t stop, stroking Hitoka’s hair until the frown leaves her eyebrows.
Hitoka opens her eyes slowly, not wanting to leave the calm that Kiyoko has induced. However, it’s worth it to catch the achingly soft, sad smile on Kiyoko’s face. “See?” she whispers. “You’ll be okay, Hitoka-chan. Just stop hiding from the people who care about you.” Her face changes as she gives her last piece of advice, withdrawing and closing itself off from Hitoka. Hitoka is crestfallen at the sight, and leans back with the feeling that something is missing.
Hitoka tries to catch Yamaguchi after practice, but he hurries out to the club room, not even sparing her a glance. Tsukishima makes a move to follow him, but not before sending a confused, angry glance at Hitoka, who cringes. She knows exactly what that look means: What the hell did you do? He thought he could trust you. She doesn’t know if she could feel worse.
“Tsukishima-kun, wait--” But he’s gone, and Yachi is left to wait.
“Yachi-san…” Hinata worms his way under her arm, looking forlorn. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know I did something wrong.” He looks so dejected that Hitoka can’t have the heart to be upset with him.
“It’s not your fault, Hinata-san,” she says quietly, ruffling his hair. “I just need to make things right.”
He spares her a troubled look before running to catch up with Kageyama.
By the time Tsukishima leaves the club room, everyone else has left. Kiyoko had watched Hitoka worriedly before leaving herself, and Hinata had bounded up to her, clasping her hand and nodding seriously at her. Hitoka doesn’t know if she feels better or worse.
Tsukishima is standing in front of the door, almost as if he’s guarding it, and Yachi’s heart jumps into her throat. “Tsukishima-kun…”
“I’m not going to stop you from going in, but don’t say stupid shit again. He’s upset.” Tsukishima runs a hand through his hair and walks down the stairs, sitting on the bottom step. “Tell him I’ll wait for him.”
Hitoka nods apprehensively, leaning forward on the balls of her feet before resolving to open the door.
Inside, Yamaguchi is sitting backwards on the chair, face resting on his hands. His eyes dart up to meet hers, then shoot back down.
“Tadashi-kun, I’m sorry. I’m so, so, so sorry.” Hitoka moves in the room as she starts talking, closing the door behind her. It creaks, and she winces. “I didn’t mean to hurt you at all.”
Yamaguchi lets out a breath slowly, but gives no other indication that he heard.
“I -- I didn’t mean to imply at all that periods are girl problems. A-actually, I wasn’t even talking about periods in the first place!” Hitoka hears herself stammer, and her heart drops. Now you’re making excuses for hurting your best friend. Hitoka, why are you like this?
While she berates herself, Yamaguchi uncurls himself and turns to face her. “Then...what did you mean?”
“Huh? What did I -- what did I mean?” Hitoka gestures vaguely, avoiding his eyes. Yamaguchi looks unimpressed and she sighs, bringing her hands back down to rest at her sides. “Well...you deserve to know. I was talking about Shimizu-senpai.”
“Shimizu-senpai?” His eyes widen. “Wait, did -- did something happen?” He sounds almost excited, and Hitoka can’t help but let a smile escape.
“Well…” She leaves the word hanging, before letting the rest out in a rush. “She came out to me.”
“Yacchan, that’s great!” Yamaguchi’s eyes are practically sparkling. “You have a chance!”
“I know, I know, but--” Hitoka groans, letting her head fall forward. “Now I just feel like everything I feel for her is fake because I know she’s a lesbian. I feel like I’m just pretending to like her because I want a girlfriend.”
“Yacchan…” Yamaguchi looks troubled, reaching a hand out to pat her shoulder. “If you liked her before you knew she isn’t straight, then you can’t be faking it. Really, Yacchan! I think you should trust your gut and go for it.”
“Oh, I can’t even think about it too long!” Hitoka raises a hand to her cheek, trying to combat the excited flush on her cheeks. “But -- that isn’t important now. I hurt your feelings today. That was wrong.” She bows low, almost hitting his chair on the way down. “Please accept my sincerest apologies!”
“Yacchan, of course.” Yamaguchi tugs at her ponytail, laughing. “I got really scared, I never thought you’d be like that. I didn’t know what to think. I’m glad it was just a misunderstanding.”
Hitoka grins at him, giving him a hug. “I’d never want to lose you as a friend, Tadashi-kun.” She releases him, giving a giggle once she realizes--”Tsukishima-kun said he’d wait for you, go and give him some peace of mind. I need to get all my stuff together anyway.”
Yamaguchi beams, giving her a last hug. “Thank you, Yacchan.” He opens the door and leaves, and Hitoka can hear him stepping down the stairs.
“Are you okay?” The voice is muffled, but distinct. Hitoka blushes, realizing that if she can hear Tsukishima, he must have been able to hear their entire conversation. She hadn’t meant to out herself and Kiyoko to Tsukishima as well. Still, it was done. Now she’d just have to trust in his being discreet.
“Yeah, I’m -- I’m fine. It was all a misunderstanding.” Hitoka can hear the relief in Yamaguchi’s voice, and another pang of guilt runs through her for making him upset.
“Good. I would’ve been pissed if she made you doubt yourself.” The voice gets too quiet at the end, and Hitoka can’t hear the next few words, but Yamaguchi laughs.
“Tsukki, am I still...” Hitoka strains to hear before reprimanding herself soundly. I shouldn’t be listening in!
“Definitely,” Tsukishima affirms a second later, and Hitoka smiles at the response. The conversation drops for a minute after that, and Hitoka grins devilishly, imagining what must be happening. When Tsukishima speaks again, it sounds even more muffled, as if he’s buried his head in Yamaguchi’s shoulder. Hitoka can’t hear any more words, only Yamaguchi’s soft laugh and Tsukishima’s hum, but the sounds wash a wave of contentment over her. She might not be convinced on what to do with Kiyoko, but for the first time in the last week, she feels at peace.
“Hitoka-chan...Hitoka-chan?”
“Wha -- yes! Sorry!” Hitoka jerks awake as she discerns the eyes in front of her. She almost hits Kiyoko in the face when she sits up. “What did I miss? I’m so sorry.” She bows several times from her seat on the clubroom floor.
“We’re in the middle of club meeting. You must have fallen asleep -- you suddenly fell forward.” Kiyoko peers into her face, trying to find a reason. She looks frustrated, and Hitoka suddenly feels a wave of guilt for how she must have treated her the past week. “Have you been getting enough sleep lately?”
Hitoka shifts her weight to the left, recalling how she had tossed and turned the night before, trying to decide whether or not to confess to Kiyoko. “I...I’ve had a lot of homework lately. I have an English test coming up, and I want to be as prepared as possible.”
“Yachi-san, you always get good grades in English.” Confused Kageyama is blunt and to the point. “Why aren’t you sleeping because of one test?”
“Hitoka-chan, is something worrying you?” Kiyoko looks truly anguished now, and Hitoka can read the message loud and clear: Why won’t you let me protect you?
It’s all too much for Hitoka, Kageyama’s confused questions, Yamaguchi’s growing unease, Kiyoko’s distress, the curious stares of the other club members; she jumps upright with a “I-I’m very sorry! I’ll be right back!” and dashes out of the room.
She doesn’t go far, only down the stairs and around the side of the building. She crouches down in the space underneath the stairs and curls herself into a ball. I don’t have much time. What do I do? Think, Hitoka, think!
“Yacchan? Where did she go?” She can hear footsteps above her as Suga calls out.
“Yamaguchi-kun, come on!” Hitoka sees Hinata drag Kageyama towards the gym, and Yamaguchi hesitate before following him. She doesn’t see anyone else, but she can hear a few more pairs of footsteps on the stairs.
Then, Suga and Tsukishima round the corner, and Suga smiles. “Aha! I thought you wouldn’t have gone too far away.”
Hitoka is frozen, staring at the two of them. She can’t make her mouth move, or her limbs.
Suga doesn’t seem to notice, sitting down next to her and gesturing for Tsukishima to do the same. He grimaces at the stray gravel before sitting down on her other side, long legs sticking out awkwardly.
None of them speak for the first two minutes. They just sit there, Yachi staring at the ground ahead of her, Suga gazing at the stars, Tsukishima’s eyes wandering aimlessly.
“You don’t have to be scared of communication.” It comes abruptly, and Yachi twists to face Tsukishima. “Nothing bad will happen if you...talk to that person. At least, nothing worse.”
Suga watches them quizzically before turning back to the evening sky, content to let them talk without trying to butt in.
Did it take him all that time to think of a way to say it without outing me or Shimizu-senpai to Sugawara-senpai? Hitoka feels a swell of gratitude. “But...I don’t want to hurt that person. I don’t know...what my feelings are--” A quick glance at Suga. “--and I don’t want to unintentionally...lead that person on.”
“Yachi-san,” Tsukishima says, a faint hint of amusement in his voice. “You won’t hurt that person any more than you have already.”
Hitoka winces. “Have I really...hurt her that badly?” She can’t reproach herself for slipping out an identifying pronoun; she’s more preoccupied with the tear that slips out, bringing a hand up to furiously rub at her eye.
“Hey,” Suga interjects, taking the hand away firmly. “Don’t, you’ll make it red. Yachi-san, nothing has happened that you can’t make up for. If you need to wait until you’re comfortable, then wait. But you’re really stressing out about this. It’s not healthy. Don’t push away the people who care about you.”
The words ring a bell in Hitoka, and she straightens suddenly, trying to remember where she’s heard them before.
“Just stop hiding from the people who care about you.”
Oh.
Hitoka’s jaw drops. Does...does Shimizu-senpai like me? Hitoka had assumed that Kiyoko was hurt because Hitoka had been avoiding her (presumably because Kiyoko thought she was homophobic), but maybe there was more to it. Maybe Kiyoko had assumed that after Hitoka learned that she was a lesbian, she would want to spend more time with her? Maybe Kiyoko wanted her, Hitoka, to be…
“Oh my god,” Hitoka says, placing her hands to her cheek. “I have to go set things right.”
Suga ruffles her hair. “Baby steps,” he says, letting a smile break through. “You can do it, Yacchan.”
Hitoka jumps up, hearing the door above creak open and close quickly. She dashes up the stairs and bursts open the door.
“Yes, Yachi-san?” Takeda-sensei arches an eyebrow, smiling bemusedly. He had been talking to Ennoshita and Noya when Hitoka burst in.
“I’m so sorry for interrupting the meeting!” Hitoka bows several times, then scans the room, fixing onto Kiyoko. She looks agitated, and suddenly, Hitoka can’t speak. “I...I--!”
“Takeda-sensei.” Is that a tremor in Kiyoko’s voice? Hitoka can’t breathe. Kiyoko’s eyes don’t leave her face. “Could Yachi-san and I leave early to work on advertising for club? I left my materials at home.”
Hitoka winces. Yachi-san.
Takeda-sensei smiles, eyes dancing with mirth. “Of course, Shimizu-san.”
Kiyoko stands, taking Hitoka’s wrist in her hand. Hitoka gapes unseeingly at her. I hurt her.
“Hitoka-chan, come on.” And Kiyoko’s beseeching her to move! and Hitoka jolts herself forward, falling into step with her senpai.
They don’t talk on the walk home. Kiyoko watches Hitoka, never losing her grip on her wrist, even as they enter the subway, even as Kiyoko herself starts to slow down, obviously straining her ankle from walking so quickly. Hitoka purposely slows down and tries to come to terms with the fact that maybe she expected something from me, and I totally pulled away. She stumbles after her senpai, trying to make sense of everything.
They get to Kiyoko’s apartment, and Kiyoko unlocks the door with a soft “I’m home”, letting out a breath as she stops moving.
“Sorry for the intrusion,” Hitoka mumbles, head still whirling.
Kiyoko drops her bag, and moves to slide Hitoka’s book bag off her shoulder. Her hand lingers on Hitoka’s shoulder, and Hitoka grimaces. Suddenly, she’s hit by the fact that this is the first time since last Friday that they’ve been alone together.
“Hitoka-chan…” Kiyoko gestures, at a loss for words. “Let’s go up to my room.”
“Okay?” Hitoka whispers, allowing herself to be led down the hallway.
Kiyoko’s room is different than she expected. It’s... messy . The desk is covered with papers and books, and there are clothes hanging off the back of the chair. The bed is unmade, and the nightstand is cluttered. And somehow, Hitoka falls in love with all of it.
“Sorry, it’s kind of a mess.” Kiyoko moves as if to try and clear the desk, then stops with a sigh. “I don’t really have the energy to clean most days.” She turns to face Hitoka, face apologetic, and Hitoka is struck by a crashing sense of adoration.
“Shimizu-senpai, I like you,” she blurts. Wow, Hitoka, great way to start .
Kiyoko freezes, staring right at her. Hitoka throws away her inhibitions with reckless abandon and plows on.
“I like you, and I’m a lesbian too, and a lot of the time, I feel like I want to be with you. But…” She ducks her head down. “After you came out to me, and told me about you and Michimiya-senpai, I wasn’t sure if I still liked you, or if it was because you’re the only other lesbian I know.” Hitoka looks up, trying to gauge a reaction, but Kiyoko’s face is impassive, only her eyes betraying her bewilderment.
“I struggled a lot with whether I was looking for a relationship with you, or just the feeling of a relationship. I didn’t want to be rude, because I know you just came out of a relationship, and you might not be looking for another one, and I wasn’t sure myself if I wanted one, but…” She clasps both of Kiyoko’s hands in her own. “Now I really want to spend more time with you, and know you better. I really want to be with you!” She shouts the last words, and oh, her face is warm now, it must be red, Hitoka, what are you doing!?
Kiyoko is gawking , mouth fully open. Hitoka can’t help the thought from flitting into her brain that shit, she’s so pretty even when she makes ugly faces .
“Is…” Hitoka drops her voice. “Is that okay?”
Kiyoko reaches a hand up to touch her cheek, slowly, as if in a dream. “Hitoka-chan.” She struggles to say anything more, settling for a nod. Hitoka’s heart swells.
“Shimizu-senpai, please take care of me!” She bows low, keeping her head down until Kiyoko grasps her shoulder and pulls her back up.
“You...I was so worried this week. You were so anxious and stressed.” Kiyoko frowns, pulling Hitoka by the shoulders into a tight hug.
Hitoka curls her arms around Kiyoko’s waist, willing her heartbeat to slow. “I’m sorry for worrying you,” she says, muffled by the fabric of Kiyoko’s shirt. “I didn’t want to hurt you with my own doubts, but...I did anyway.” She exhales shakily, wrapping her arms even further around Kiyoko.
A hand moves to tilt her chin up, and Kiyoko pulls away to look into her eyes. “Hitoka-chan, it’s okay. Really. I want you to be comfortable more than anything.”
Hitoka trembles at the intensity in her eyes. “Shimizu-senpai…”
Kiyoko pulls her back into a firm hug, and lets her head drop onto Hitoka’s shoulder. “Call me Kiyoko.”
Hitoka jumps at the ticklishness of the voice so close to her ear. “Like...Kiyoko-senpai?”
Kiyoko stiffens, then huffs out a laugh. “That’s perfect.” She draws back. “Can I kiss you?”
Hitoka grins shyly. “Please.”
Somehow, Kiyoko seems to know subconsciously that Hitoka had always dreamed of a fairy-tale first kiss. She reaches out to push a strand of Hitoka’s hair behind her ear, and Hitoka can’t meet her eyes, not like this when she’s so close. A hand tilts her face to the side, grasping her chin lightly, while the other pulls her in by the shoulder. Hitoka closes her eyes, heart beating like a jackhammer. She waits for the first moment of contact, and waits...and waits.
“Kiyoko-senpai?” Hitoka opens her eyes, searching her senpai’s face. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m scared,” Kiyoko admits, smiling ruefully, her lips mere millimeters away from Hitoka’s. “It’s just so different. You’re so precious to me, Hitoka-chan. I don’t want to do something wro--”
Hitoka surges forward, closing the distance between the two in a kiss that surprises both of them, if Hitoka’s being completely honest. It’s not perfect. Their noses collide, and Kiyoko makes a very un-Kiyoko-like squeak that Hitoka immediately falls in love with. Kiyoko pulls away (all too soon, Hitoka bemoans) and laughs.
“I changed my mind,” Hitoka says, breathless. “I used to dream of the perfect kiss, but that’s not what I want now. I want something real. I want this.” And she has more to say, but Kiyoko’s cupping her face and leaning in again, and Hitoka is absolutely content to kiss her for the next century.
A week later, practice is in full swing. Hitoka and Kiyoko are standing on opposite sides of the net, chasing after balls that go out of bounds. Kiyoko drops out after a bit, taking a seat on the bench and massaging her sore ankle. Hitoka takes her new, broader duty with a serious pride, but after one missed spike barely misses her ear (accompanied by a “tch” from Tsukishima and a smirk from Kageyama), she settles for making faces across the net at Kiyoko, who does her best not to laugh as they get increasingly silly.
Hitoka stops for a second, staring at her girlfriend (her girlfriend ) and marveling that just a week later, they’ve become so comfortable with each other. They’ve gone to eat lunch in the club room together every day, and at practice, they’ve found even more excuses to be near each other. Hitoka can’t stop herself from loving every second of it, especially the moments when Kiyoko leans down until their foreheads touch, closing her eyes and smiling into a kiss.
She gives Kiyoko a wide grin, and feels her heart swell when it’s returned twofold.
“Nishinoya-senpai!” Hinata hurtles across the court, arms flying behind his back as he jumps up. “Send it to me!”
Noya jumps, bracing his knees as he sends the toss in the opposite direction. Hitoka giggles distractedly as she takes in Hinata’s betrayed expression and Tanaka’s look of triumph.
“Amazing, bro!” Noya bumps fists with Tanaka, laughing excitedly before turning to pose for the rest of the team. “With my new toss and Ryu’s spike, Karasuno will be unstoppable, even after the third years leave!”
Oh. Hitoka stops for a second, taking his words in as Tanaka chatters excitedly about “Noya-san, do you think I could be as powerful an ace as Asahi-senpai?” That’s right. Kiyoko-senpai and the others will be leaving after school ends. She bites her lip, watching as Kiyoko turns and coughs into her elbow, and categorizes the information. That’s the third time this rally. Does she have allergies? I want to know more things about her like that. I want to learn about her.
“Yacchan, are you ready?” Hitoka jumps when she realizes that she’s drifted out onto the court. Asahi is giving her a look she’s not quite ready to interpret, especially when she realizes that she was staring straight at Kiyoko.
“Ahh, yes! Sorry!” Hitoka bows, scrambling back to her position behind the white line. Kiyoko casts her an inquisitive look, but she shakes her head, and the game goes on.
Serve. Receive. Set. Spike. Long ago, the four nations liv- Hitoka gets lost in the motions, head lazily following the ball. She doesn’t allow herself to think about how she’s not meeting Kiyoko’s eyes.
“What’s worrying you?”
There’s no preamble, and Hitoka startles at the words. “H-huh?”
“Hitoka-chan, I could feel you brooding from the other side of the net.” Kiyoko fixes her with an even gaze. “Are you worried about what happens after March?”
“...Is it bad if I say yes?” Hitoka peers up at her, slightly put off by her directness. Kiyoko has a certain calm around her, but she’s rarely this short with her words.
“No, not at all.” Some of the tension leaves Hitoka’s shoulders. “If we’re being honest, I’m nervous too. It’s going to be really new.”
There’s something not right about her matter-of-fact tone, and it dawns on Hitoka that Kiyoko is more nervous than she lets on. “Kiyoko-senpai…”
The door to the gym opens, and Tsukishima pokes his head in. “Meeting in the club room.” He seems unaffected by how close Hitoka and Kiyoko are standing, and as he leaves, Hitoka realizes that she and Kiyoko haven’t talked about whether to tell the others.
“I wish we had more time together,” Kiyoko admits quietly. “ I like spending time with you, Hitoka-chan.”
Hitoka’s fingers find a lock of hair and twist it. “I like you too, Kiyoko-senpai. But,” Her hands fall to her side, balling up into fists. “we have to make the most of what we have now! There’s no use thinking about the future if we don’t appreciate what we have now.”
Kiyoko blinks.
The silence stretches just a bit longer than Hitoka thought it would, and she wrings her hands. “Was that too much? I’m sorry, you probably had something to say--”
“Hitoka-chan,” And oh , Kiyoko’s staring at her with an agonizingly fond look, and Hitoka can’t keep eye contact, not like this. “Do you even -- do you even realize the things you say?” Kiyoko stops for a second and laughs ruefully. “You’re hopelessly smart, Hitoka-chan.” And before Hitoka can refute it, Kiyoko clasps both her hands tightly. Hitoka is forcefully reminded of the first time she met Kiyoko, and she can’t help but smile at the thought that after everything, the two of them have found their happy ending.