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Todoroki Shouto does not deserve to suffer like this.
He is a good, morally upstanding citizen. Every morning, he gets up far earlier than he likes because Dog meows at him for food. It used to be Kirishima’s job to feed Dog, but Todoroki has learned that his coworker is a living hazard when he dumps the whole bag of cat food into the bowl and then wonders why his cat is getting fatter.
Kirishima also decides that Todoroki needs to take Dog out for a walk every morning, which is dumb because it’s not even his fault that the cat suddenly looks like a balloon, and one day when he’s outside walking his cat and calling it Dog, one of the neighborhood kids had run up to him and asked if he was born that stupid.
Todoroki doesn’t remember being so rude when he was a kid. But then again, he supposed that anyone would look like an angel next to Endeavor.
After his walk of shame around the neighborhood, Todoroki goes to work. Kirishima is no longer allowed in the car after he brought his friend, Jirou, along once, and she blasted her music so loudly that it broke his poor Bakugou-damaged car radio. Todoroki’s ears haven’t suffered so much since that one time he went back home for a little bit and heard Endeavor singing in the shower.
Is that why he turned to heroing? Because no other profession wanted him?
When Todoroki gets to work, he immediately does his patrols first, like a good, morally upstanding hero. He goes to Bakugou’s car first and pops the tires and freezes his engine shut. Then he goes inside the closet and burns a heart into the back of Bakugou’s coat, because god forbidden badass hero Bakugou Katsuki have a heart. Finally, he drops by the agency kitchen and dumps some mayonnaise inside Bakugou’s coffee. He supposes he feels a little bad about that last one, but he knows that at the same time, Bakugou is also doing his ‘patrols’, because he is also a good, morally upstanding hero.
After that, he goes to his desk, which is not a very nice desk, because Bakugou had once taken a sharpie and scribbled expletives all over it. Todoroki normally wouldn’t mind, but the fact that Bakugou had used a yellow sharpie made him want to cry a little bit, which was fairly impressive since the last time that had happened had been when Endeavor had attempted to teach him how to seduce girls.
Is that why he turned to heroing? Because no other girl wanted him?
On some days, they go out to the city to catch a villain. They split into two teams: All Might, Bakugou, Uraraka and Iida are on one team. Todoroki is on a team with Midoriya, Mineta and Kirishima. Todoroki does not think that the teams are quite fair, but then he is laughed at for being a sore loser. He does not think they understand what having a Mineta on the team does to his sanity.
After they finish demolishing some buildings, they usually go to the ramen place downtown to eat lunch. There they meet another villain by the name of Endeavor, who for some reason the police haven’t caught yet. Todoroki thinks that he should be arrested for public indecency for going outside every day and forcing everyone to have to look at that face of his.
Endeavor is generally at the ramen shop slurping up noodles while trying not to burn the rest of it on his chin. Sometimes when he stands up a little too fast, his hair touches the ceiling and the entire store burns down. The store owner has been bribed with lots and lots of money to make sure that the press does not hear about it.
So naturally Todoroki tells the press himself. Because he is a good, morally upstanding son. He’s sure his father is glad to have such a wonderful son like him to help promote his image to the public.
After they eat lunch, they head back to the agency to answer phone calls. Or rather, Midoriya answers most of the phone calls, because he seems to be the only one in the agency who enjoys talking to customers who call to try to get the agency to pay for their plumbing.
Bakugou has been banned from answering phone calls. The last time he picked up a call from someone who wanted help fixing one of his rooms that was blown up during an agency raid, Bakugou had personally gone to the man’s house to demolish the rest of his house so that it was ‘aesthetically consistent’.
Iida has also been banned from answering phone calls ever since he had gotten a spam call asking for his credit card number. He had been so earnest and genuine that the spam caller felt so bad afterwards that nowadays, they receive flowers every week as condolences.
Mineta is banned, because Mineta is Mineta.
On particularly slow days, they play ping pong in the office. No one in the office seems to understand that it is a game and should not be life-threatening. Bakugou also does not seem to understand that firing a ball right at Todoroki’s face is not within the rules of ping pong. When Todoroki points out that the ball has to touch the table, Bakugou throws the table at his face as well.
They decided that the winner of their agency tournament that day would get free dinner, which Todoroki supposes is probably one of the worst ideas that their agency has ever had (which is saying quite a lot, for an agency that has snowball fights in sandals); they have since then learned to never underestimate Uraraka when it comes to free food.
After dinner, Todoroki goes home for peace and quiet. Except in reality, he comes home to a cat that is somehow even fatter than when he walked it in the morning and a Kirishima practicing dance moves with some guy named Tetsutetsu Tetsutetsu in the living room half naked. He quietly flees to his room because the one time they caught him, he had been forced to strip to his boxers in his own living room while doing the robot dance.
Todoroki Shouto does not deserve to suffer like this.
He is a good, morally upstanding—
“You fucker!” Bakugou Katsuki yells at him, which is quite rude and uncalled for. “I hope to fucking god you didn’t break into my room at 4 AM to monologue about your shitty life!”
Okay, so maybe he did deserve that pillow to the face and maybe he did break into Bakugou Katsuki’s room at 4 AM to monologue about his shitty life, but Bakugou doesn’t need to know about that.
Midoriya Izuku had travelled with All Might to Europe on a peacekeeping trip. All Might had come into the agency one day to choose who to bring along with him, though when he opened the door to see Kirishima playing air guitar, Iida weeping over shoujo manga with Uraraka snickering next to him, and Mineta trying to see if he could swim across his desk (Bakugou and Todoroki are not pictured because they are both currently destroying each other’s shoes—only one shoe, though, to force the other person to make the decision of whether to keep that remaining shoe or not), he realized that perhaps the only normal person in the agency is Midoriya.
Bakugou had initially put up a fight when the trip was announced. He had yelled that Midoriya was going to find some pale, handsome, blonde haired red-eyed European to replace him. Todoroki tells him that vampires aren’t real.
Bakugou had been annoyed and unapproachable all week ever since Midoriya left, so really, it’s Midoriya’s fault that Todoroki had to break into Bakugou Katsuki’s room at 4 AM to monologue about his shitty life.
Todoroki doesn’t really know how to do subtlety. The most subtlety he has ever had to do in his life is when he had strawberry smeared all over his cheek when Endeavor came home, his father’s favorite strawberry shortcake noticeably missing from the fridge.
So he figures he should get a pass when he just says, “Go out with me, Bakugou.”
Bakugou stares blankly at him and Todoroki wonders if they might actually have a civil conversation for once. He doesn’t think they’ve ever had one before. Then again, his first impression of Bakugou had been the other boy snickering and asking him how much “that tattoo on his face cost”. It had cost him a childhood, but Bakugou didn’t need to know that.
However, all thoughts of a civil conversation are thrown out the window when Bakugou opens his mouth, and Todoroki remembers that Bakugou is Bakugou, the boy who probably was born screaming (and Todoroki has met his mom once, so knowing her, she probably screamed right back). “What the fuck? Ew, no.”
Todoroki’s a little offended. He doesn’t think he merits an ‘ew’. A ‘yuck’, maybe, but an ‘ew’ is kind of rude. “Yeah, well, I don’t want to date you either.”
Bakugou snorts. “What, trying to play it cool now that you got rejected?”
“I don’t even like you, Bakugou.”
Bakugou looks around the room trying to find something to throw, but the room is filled with limited edition All Might collectibles and Todoroki’s not worth any of them. He settles instead with firing off a few explosions and almost accidentally lights his bed sheets on fire. “Then why did you fucking ask?”
“My father is trying to set me up with a girl and I need to pretend to be dating so that he’ll stop bothering me.” At Bakugou’s blank look, Todoroki elaborates, “You’ve met him before. The one you water gunned.”
Bakugou snorts. “What are you, five?”
Todoroki Shouto really does not deserve to suffer like this.
“Why me? You picked the one guy in the agency who is already dating someone else?” Bakugou snarls. “If you even think about asking Deku when he comes back, I’ll fucking murder you and then send you to your shithead father to get cremated.”
“I can give you a hug and cremate you instead?” Todoroki suggests, and Bakugou blanches. Todoroki remembers something that Kirishima always says when his friend Kaminari looks like that. “No homo though.”
Bakugou apparently decides that Todoroki is now worth the price of a small All Might figurine on the drawer next to his bed—how nice, his value is going up—and chucks it at Todoroki. “You god damn fucker!” He yells, because Bakugou Katsuki has the vocabulary and maturity of a five year old.
“I asked because Midoriya is out of the country right now, so it’ll be less awkward,” Todoroki says. “And I chose you because I thought that you’re the only one at the agency that there’s absolutely no way that I’ll actually fall in love with once it’s over.”
“Are you saying I’m not fucking worth falling in love with?!” Bakugou screeches at him, and no, that is not what Todoroki said at all but Bakugou is especially good at only hearing what he wants to hear. “How dare—wait. Don’t tell me you think you might actually fall in love with Purple Balls?”
“Mineta is not an option.”
“Good point.” Bakugou strokes his chin thoughtfully, trying to give off the impression that he actually gives a damn about Todoroki and his problems. “No.”
“Maybe if you had some time to think about this, your answer will change.”
Bakugou glares at him. “Go ask Shitty Hair or something. I’m sure he would be more than willing to make out with you.”
“Kirishima is too nice. I need someone nasty.”
“Who the fuck are you calling nasty—”
“We don’t need to make out. I don’t particularly want to kiss you. I think I’d rather kiss an octopus.”
“Go fuck yourself on one.”
“You can just come over sometimes and we can sit in the living room and call my dad.”
“…is this some fucked up way of asking me to be your friend?”
Todoroki blinks. “Is this what friends do?”
“You think I know?”
Todoroki doesn’t really know either, so he shrugs. “I’ll do whatever you want after this.”
Bakugou stops and then stares. “Whatever?”
“Yes.” Todoroki is beginning to regret this a little bit because he has learned the hard way to never underestimate how petty Bakugou Katsuki can be. But then he remembers his father’s plans to amass as many elemental quirks into the family as he possibly can by trying to set him up with Shiozaki Ibara and Todoroki decides that Bakugou is probably the lesser of two evils.
Bakugou should feel proud. Given a choice, he is almost never the better option.
[9/13 05:16AM] Bakugou: im doing this for both of us
[9/13 10:23AM] Deku: Huh?
[9/13 10:23AM] Deku: What are you talking about
[9/13 10:23AM] Deku: Why does it sound like you’re cheating on me
Fake dating Bakugou isn’t too hard, only because Bakugou refuses to stand less than five feet away from him at all times. Todoroki wonders why he can’t even be a decent human being if he can be a good boyfriend.
Todoroki calls his dad one day after work. Bakugou is grumbling around his kitchen but he got free food, so he can’t complain too much. Though the free dinner had been Todoroki’s and Kirishima’s leftovers from the day before, so Bakugou finds himself with a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich and a cup of expired orange juice. But Todoroki puts everything on a nice plate so that Bakugou won’t know that he is eating literal trash.
Todoroki’s just trying to help Bakugou out, after all. Everyone knows the saying goes ‘you are what you eat’.
Endeavor sounds pleased that his son is voluntarily calling him, but he goes dead silent when Todoroki announces that he has a boyfriend. He tries to signal to Bakugou to do something, but clearly his telepathy link with Bakugou never awakened, as the other boy just stares at him while chewing on that probably half moldy sandwich. Todoroki hopes he gets food poisoning.
Todoroki has never kissed anyone before, but he has seen his dad trying to kiss his mom, and it had looked more like a dog slobbering over a piece of meat. Todoroki doesn’t have a dog, but he does have a cat named Dog that is walked like a dog and eats like a dog, so he figures it can’t be too different.
Todoroki dumps the entire bag of cat food into Dog’s bowl and watches as the animal comes over and gobbles it all up. He puts the phone as close as possible to Dog and hopes that it sounds somewhat like an intense make out session.
And then Todoroki remembers all the movie nights of horror the agency had had before they banned Mineta from choosing porn for movie night.
“Katsuki,” Todoroki breaths out, his expression not changing. Iida has always told him that in order to take on the role of a character, he needs to actually become the character. Todoroki tries his hardest to become a porn star. “More…”
“What the fuck?” Bakugou glares at him. “Don’t pant my name with that disgusting poker face of yours. It’s fucking weird. If you’re going to do it, at least show some god damn emotion.”
“How?” Todoroki is actually curious, because the only emotions he’s ever seen during a kiss have been nonchalance and fear, but he doesn’t think either of them apply in this case. “Can you teach me?”
“I’m not fucking making out with you!” Bakugou sits down next to him anyway and holds up his arm. “Watch and learn, amateur.”
Bakugou then proceeds to start making out with his arm and if Todoroki was Bakugou, he would’ve said something like ‘what the fuck?’
But Todoroki is not Bakugou, so he says instead, “Do you miss Midoriya a lot?”
Bakugou slaps him. It hurts. Todoroki does not know why he always gets slapped for being right.
“What was that?” The two of them jump. In their contest to out-pant each other, they had forgotten that he was still on the line.
Bakugou rolls his eyes. “Hey Pops. Sorry, your son has some weird-ass kinks.”
“…excuse me?”
Bakugou sends him a self-satisfied look. Todoroki has fought a lot of villains before and he isn’t scared of a lot of things, but he thinks that having Bakugou explain to his father that Todoroki has a supposed spanking kink is pretty high on his list of things that he never wants to happen, ever.
Before Bakugou can open his mouth, Todoroki starts kissing his arm the same way that Bakugou had showed him before. It feels weird. It feels really weird, actually. He thinks that Bakugou must really miss Midoriya to be doing something like this.
The two of them just sit on the kitchen floor, with Dog gulping down food next to them, silently kissing their own arms. Todoroki thinks that it’s a testament to how his relationship with Bakugou is given that this might be the most normal interaction that they’ve ever had.
After a couple minutes, Endeavor has obviously had enough and he growls out, “I will be seeing you soon, Shouto,” before hanging up. Todoroki is about to celebrate his minor victory, but of course nothing ever goes his way.
Kirishima opens the door, trying to hit the high notes for a song, but his voice cracks on every single note, so it just looks like he’s wheezing. He’s holding another bag of cat food, which, for once, Todoroki is glad he bought, because he had just emptied out the entire bag for Dog earlier.
Kirishima stops and stares. From Dog, who has finished its food and looks to be trying to eat the bowl itself, to Todoroki and Bakugou, who are both slobbering over their arms.
“Dude,” he says. “Are you two okay?”
[9/15 08:43PM] Bakugou: you know that all might yukata you wanted
[9/15 08:43PM] Bakugou: ill buy it for you
[9/15 08:44PM] Deku: Um thanks?
[9/15 08:44PM] Deku: I really appreciate it but
[9/15 08:45PM] Deku: Kacchan, are you ok?
[9/15 08:45PM] Deku: You’ve been acting weird
[9/15 08:50PM] Deku: Kacchan?
Because Kirishima is possibly the worst coworker ever, the whole agency knows about his thing with Bakugou the next day. He’s not even sure what this ‘thing’ is. He doesn’t think this even qualifies in the realm of fake dating anymore. Or fake friendship. Or whatever they were trying to go for.
And because everyone at the agency is apparently friends, the press finds out about this supposed forbidden relationship the very next day as well because Uraraka and Mineta decided to inform every single gossip agency in the city. Because they’re good friends, they said, and friends help each other out.
Bakugou snarls that he will never understand this whole friendship business. For once, Todoroki agrees with him.
On the bright side, the news of Todoroki’s weird antics have reached his dad, and he doesn’t think he’s ever been happier watching the afternoon news and seeing his dad try to explain everything to the public (except maybe the time he had taken all of Bakugou’s clothes while he was in the hot spring during that agency trip. He had been pretty happy then as well).
Endeavor spends the hour that he usually uses to promote his hero agency to instead try to come up with a sensible explanation to clarify the numerous rumors, from Todoroki being into furries to Todoroki and Bakugou actually being zombies who enjoy gnawing on each other’s arms in their free time, and Todoroki counts this whole thing as a win.
He does have to deal with a panicked Bakugou though, which is basically just a Bakugou that screams a little louder than usual and paces around the office all day and yells at inanimate objects. Todoroki takes the opportunity while Bakugou is having a glaring match with the whiteboard to steal his phone.
[9/16 11:11AM] Deku: Kacchan?
[9/16 11:11AM] Deku: What’s going on
[9/16 11:11AM] Deku: I didn’t know you were into furries
[9/16 11:11AM] Deku: It’s ok! I won’t judge you
[9/16 11:11AM] Deku: …ok maybe I’m judging you a bit
[9/16 11:19AM] Bakugou: Hello, Midoriya. This is Todoroki.
[9/16 11:19AM] Deku: Hi todoroki-kun!!
[9/16 11:19AM] Deku: How are you?
[9/16 11:20AM] Bakugou: I’m great. Bakugou’s currently screaming at a computer because no one else will listen to him.
[9/16 11:21AM] Deku: Oh…
[9/16 11:21AM] Deku: Did something happen with kacchan? He’s been acting weird.
[9/16 11:22AM] Bakugou: He didn’t tell you anything?
[9/16 11:22AM] Deku: The only thing I know is that he’s going to buy me an all might yukata, a new futon and five bags of my favorite snack
[9/16 11:22AM] Bakugou: Bakugou and I are fake dating.
[9/16 11:23AM] Deku: ????????????????????
[9/16 11:23AM] Bakugou: Or fake friending. I’m not actually sure.
[9/16 11:23AM] Bakugou: This is for the sake of annoying my father. I apologize for not asking you in advance, but we will not be doing anything with each other.
[9/16 11:24AM] Deku: Oh! Oh, you can have him then! It’s ok. Thank you for telling me. I trust both of you
[9/16 11:24AM] Bakugou: I do not want him. Please take him back when this is over.
[9/16 11:25AM] Deku: Why are you fake friending him in the first place
[9/16 11:25AM] Deku: Why not just be real friends
[9/16 11:26AM] Bakugou: Sorry, he found me. I have to go.
[9/16 11:26AM] Deku: Good luck, todoroki-kun!!
[9/16 11:26AM] Deku: Don’t die
[9/16 11:26AM] Bakugou: WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO BE FRIEND WITH THAT CANADIAN FLAG
[9/16 11:26AM] Bakugou: STOP TREATING ME LIKE A POSSESSION THAT YOU’RE HANDING BACK AND FORTH
[9/16 11:27AM] Bakugou: ALSO IM NOT INTO FURRIES WHAT THE FUCK
[9/16 11:27AM] Deku: You seemed quite happy with my cat ears last time though
[9/16 11:27AM] Deku: Also the tail. You really liked the tail
[9/16 11:28AM] Bakugou: FUCK OFF AND DIE
Todoroki takes Bakugou out for dinner the next day. Or rather, Todoroki is forced to take Bakugou out for dinner because Bakugou refuses to stop rampaging his refrigerator otherwise. Bakugou doesn’t even eat anything anymore because he got food poisoning the last time he came to Todoroki’s house, but he takes great pleasure in throwing out Todoroki’s favorite strawberry shortcake right in front of his eyes.
In retaliation, Todoroki drives them to the local pizza place, because it’s cheap, and because he knows that Bakugou hates eating pizza. Bakugou hates eating pizza because then he gets oil on his hands and then he becomes useless. Todoroki still remembers that one time the agency had been eating pizza when a villain had attacked and Bakugou had run straight for the bathroom to wash his hands with soap before he could join in the fight. By the time his hands were clean enough that they wouldn’t kill everyone in the vicinity with an oil explosion, the battle had already ended with a Detroit Smash to the face.
Even though Todoroki doesn’t like Bakugou, he thinks that he would never wish a pizza weakness on anyone else. Pizza is the greatest thing that humanity had ever invented. He had never had it back when he was a child, but the first day Kirishima ordered pizza delivery for him was probably the best day of his life, except for maybe that day his father got drunk and ran into a wall.
Bakugou gets a Hawaiian pizza, which is quite frankly gross and offensive. Pineapple does not belong on pizza, ever. Bakugou gets his pizza with so much extra pineapple to the point where he could have just opened up a can of pineapple and dumped ketchup on it to get the same effect.
Todoroki loses his appetite watching Bakugou eat that abomination, so he plays it safe and orders a regular pepperoni pizza. He gets laughed at for being plain and boring, but Todoroki thinks that at least he’s not the one voluntarily eating a soggy piece of fruit.
Their dinner-date-friendship-bonding goes about as well as Todoroki expects. The waiter tries to stop Bakugou from ordering three whole pizzas for himself but stops when Bakugou name drops All Might. The two of them argue whether Pepsi or Coke is better (for the record, it is definitely Pepsi. Coke is for losers like Bakugou). Bakugou pelts a couple of pieces of pineapple at him and Todoroki in turn spitballs him. The two of them have an ice cube fight and thankfully they had been placed in a secluded corner, because Todoroki thinks that killing someone accidentally with an ice cube still counts as murder.
Really, the whole experience could’ve been a lot worse. As shown, when Endeavor shows up.
Todoroki doesn’t know why he’s here. Endeavor doesn’t like to eat pizza. He only likes to eat beef and pork and chicken and other meats to demonstrate his superiority over different types of animals. Todoroki thinks that with his current diet, he’ll probably die of high cholesterol soon, but since he’s not dead yet, all that cholesterol is probably going toward fueling that huge ego.
When Endeavor sees them, Bakugou’s foot is on his face, and his hand is in Bakugou’s mouth, trying to fish out that last piece of pepperoni that Bakugou stole from him. Todoroki hopes that it looks like they’re dating. Or friending. Or whatever they were trying to go for.
“Shouto,” Endeavor grumbles and walks over, and Bakugou takes the chance while Todoroki is distracted to bite the fingers in his mouth. Todoroki in return dumps Bakugou’s Coke all over his head. “What is going on here?”
“Ba-Katsuki and I are on a date.”
“Who the fuck are you calling baka?!”
Todoroki rolls his eyes as Endeavor’s eyes flit over to Bakugou. “You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?”
Bakugou smirks. “Yeah. Last month in the papers. I took your front page from you.”
It speaks volumes on how petty Bakugou is that he remembers that. Todoroki is pretty petty as well because he also remembers exactly when that happened because he may or may not have framed the article. “That’s because the police arrested you for 48 hours for trespassing an All Might convention.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
Endeavor’s eyebrows shoot up and he turns back toward Todoroki. “You… you’re dating this… thing?”
“Oh fuck you. You treat all your future son-in-laws like that?”
Endeavor’s eyes harden. “Do you treat all your... potential father-in-laws like that?”
Bakugou shrugs. “Don’t really know. He’s never been around for his son enough for me to find out.”
Todoroki thinks that he’s probably talking about Midoriya’s father, but Endeavor obviously takes it as an insult against him. “Shouto, break up with him right now. You have a fiancé waiting back home.”
“But Father,” Todoroki says, grabbing Bakugou’s hand. It is probably the worst experience of his life. Bakugou’s hands are clammy and gross and he doesn’t understand why Midoriya seems to like holding his hand so much. “He is very special to me.”
Bakugou gags a little bit, but disguises it with some very forced coughs and a couple of expletives muttered under his breath.
“I do not care,” Endeavor rumbles. “I have picked out the perfect suitor for you that compliments your quirk. Do you not want your child to be powerful?” Endeavor glares at Bakugou. “What is your quirk?”
“The ability to make assholes leave me alone.”
Todoroki raises an eyebrow. “It’s not working very well, is it?”
“Fuck off. It takes some time to charge up. And let go of my hand. It’s disgusting. Why is it so hot?”
“You really think so?” Todoroki examines his hand. “I think it looks pretty normal.”
“Go fuck yourself with it, asshole.”
“You should be careful though. I think I might have a hand curse.”
Bakugou shoots him an unamused look. “Are you fucking stupid?”
“No, I’m serious. Whenever people are around me, their hands go bad. There might be a handcrusher-like presence inside me. I think—”
“Alright, shut up. We’re leaving.”
“Wait,” Endeavor says, blocking their path with all that jerkness that he has. “You are… you are going home together?”
Bakugou rolls his eyes. “Isn’t that normal?”
“Shouto, you are coming home right now,” Endeavor growls out, the same way he did when Todoroki went out to buy a body pillow of himself and left it in his room so that he could slip away. Todoroki thinks that his father had to be something else to fall for something like that.
“You sure you want that, Pops?” Bakugou smirks as Endeavor glares at the nickname. Todoroki thinks that Midoriya’s pretty lucky; it feels nice to actually have Bakugou on his side for once instead of constantly antagonizing him. “Shouto and I will be going at it all day, you know? And let me tell you: he’s a screamer.”
Todoroki takes back everything he just thought about Bakugou.
Endeavor looks like he’s going to spontaneously combust, which is quite impressive for someone who is already on fire. Not wanting to cause a scene in public—because despite everything, Endeavor still care about his public impression; Todoroki has seen his father stand in front of the mirror combing his fire mustache for way too long—he grouses out, “Fine, we can talk more at your house.”
“You’re not invited!” Bakugou yells at him while they leave, but Endeavor ignores him and follows them anyway. Todoroki thinks that following people is the only thing Endeavor is good at; after all, he’s had his entire life following behind All Might to practice.
So naturally Todoroki brings him to Bakugou’s apartment. He figures that the only way to make this night even better is for Endeavor to come face to face with all the All Might merchandise that Bakugou and Midoriya have scattered around their apartment.
Endeavor looks like he’s going to puke when he gets inside. Bakugou also looks like he’s going to puke, but that’s only because he was an idiot who voluntarily ate four Hawaiian pizzas. He should’ve just taken Todoroki’s advice to never put pineapple on pizza; after all, Todoroki only ever has Bakugou’s best intentions in mind.
“What is the meaning of this?” Endeavor asks, staring straight at Todoroki. He sees All Might’s teeth glinting at him from every direction. He looks like he wants to throttle someone, preferably himself.
“Domestic life,” Todoroki explains as Bakugou makes himself at home (“it is my home, you asshole!”) on the couch. “Bakacchan designed it himself.”
“Who the fuck are you calling ‘Bakacchan’?!”
“I thought you liked when I gave you nicknames,” Todoroki says, trying to blink fast the way the girls in Iida’s shoujo mangas do. He ends up just giving himself a headache though. He hopes that it gives off the romantic air that he was going for. Bakugou just stares at him, unimpressed, but Bakugou is generally adverse to romance and feelings and basically anything that isn’t Midoriya, so Todoroki thinks that he’s probably not the best judge to his shoujo heroine career.
“Whatever you say, Shito.”
“Charmed me right off my feet,” Todoroki says wryly, sitting down next to Bakugou. His knee accidentally touches Bakugou’s, who slides over instantly as if it burns. Todoroki follows him, until they are both squished all the way to the left of the sofa, neither one of them willing to admit defeat first and get up.
“We are flirting,” Todoroki clarifies to his father, because he doesn’t think that his father has ever normally flirted before. He thinks this is normal enough; after all, it’s been five minutes and neither Bakugou nor he have attempted to kill each other yet, so Todoroki considers this a victory.
“Shouto, I am done playing nice,” Endeavor growls out. Todoroki eyes the cups of water that Bakugou had helpfully placed on the table in front of them, acting as a shield. “You will—”
“Kacchan? Are you home?”
Midoriya Izuku pads out of the bedroom wearing a neon yellow All Might sweater. His hair is all poofed up as if he had just woken up and he’s rubbing at his eyes. Bakugou’s and Endeavor’s jaws both drop—hopefully for very different reasons, though Todoroki honestly wouldn’t put his father past pedophilia. The man only sees two things in life, after all: quirks and that less-than-stellar face of his.
“And who are you?”
Midoriya blinks back and forth between the number two hero standing in his living room surrounded by merchandise of the number one hero, and Todoroki and Bakugou, who are both still squished against the left side of the sofa.
Before he can open his mouth and say something dumb, like he’s Bakugou’s boyfriend or All Might’s illegitimate love child or something weird like that, Bakugou cuts in. “He’s Fucking Deku. My boyfriend. Our boyfriend.”
“Our?!” Endeavor spits out.
Realization dawns Midoriya’s face and he sends Endeavor his thousand watt smile that would put All Might’s pearly whites to shame. “Yes, we are all dating,” Midoriya says, and Todoroki does not even know how it all came to this. Maybe he should’ve just married Shiozaki Ibara and been done with this whole thing. “M-my name is Fucking Deku. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You can call him Fucking-san,” Bakugou snickers from the couch, looking entirely too pleased with himself. He tips one of the cups on the table over so that it spills off the table and makes a puddle of water near Endeavor’s feet. “Oops, my bad.”
“Midoriya, meet my dad,” Todoroki says.
“His name is Shithead Asshole,” Bakugou says.
Endeavor glares at him. “You will watch your mouth,” he says, but Todoroki thinks that if his dad knew how Bakugou smiled before getting Detroit Smashed off a cliff once, he would probably rethink his intimidation strategy. “Why do you call this… Fucking-san, Midoriya?”
Todoroki has had a lot of happy moments. Not really in his childhood, but ever since coming to the agency, he gets to get paid to win at Mario Kart and prank Bakugou, so life isn’t too bad for him. But he thinks that hearing his dad say ‘Fucking-san’ must be the highlight of his life. Judging by Bakugou who is full-out snickering and Midoriya who hides a small smile behind his hand, he thinks that they must be enjoying this as well.
Is this what it means to be friends?
“Nickname,” Todoroki clarifies, ignoring the fact that in no universe does Fucking Deku nickname to Midoriya.
“We’ve decided to take his surname when we marry,” Bakugou continues, apparently content to keep fueling the fire that’s already burning on Endeavor’s body. “Your son will be known to the public as Fucking Shouto. Sh… outo. Shithole. Fucking Shithole.”
“Fucking Bakacchan.”
“Do you think you’re funny?!”
“A little bit, yeah.”
Midoriya smiles and sits down next to him, holding both of their hands. It feels nicer than when he held Bakugou’s hand. Midoriya’s isn’t sweaty and gross. Todoroki squeezes it a little bit, hoping to get away with it, but of course Bakugou notices, because Todoroki finds himself lifted up bridal style and torn away from Midoriya.
“Hey Pops,” Bakugou says, thrusting Todoroki out like he’s some kind animal. Todoroki is amazed that Bakugou can pick him up. He can’t even pick up Dog on most days. “Give us your blessing for marriage.”
Todoroki blows a kiss in Bakugou’s direction with the most expressionless face he can think of, and Bakugou very nearly just drops him in disgust.
Midoriya steps next to them and gives both of them a kiss on the cheek. It feels nice. It feels really nice, actually. Todoroki swoons a little bit and Bakugou pinches his hip angrily before pulling Midoriya in for a real kiss.
And… wow.
Okay, so maybe he was wrong. Making out does not sound like a cat slobbering over its food. Not at all.
Todoroki has front row seats from his position in Bakugou’s arms to watch two of his coworkers slash probably not enemies anymore slash maybe even friends?? kissing each other. He vaguely hears in the background Endeavor shouting angrily, “I will never give my blessing!” before storming out and slamming the door shut, but to be honest, Todoroki kind of forgets about him because he has more important matters to be concerned with right now.
The two of them finally stop kissing a little while later. Midoriya looks slightly dazed and even Bakugou looks a little bit less constipated. Todoroki, still a little affected himself, says, “I think I might be gay.”
Bakugou drops him right on the sharp corner of the table.
“What the fuck, half-and-half?! You said you wouldn’t fall in love with me!”
“You can’t have Kacchan!”
“I said I think I might be gay. I didn’t say I wanted to make out with Bakugou. Because I don’t.”
“Are you saying you wouldn’t want to make out with me?!”
“Kacchan’s a really good kisser, I promise!”
“I’m an excellent kisser and you know it, Fucking Deku!”
“I didn’t ask.” Todoroki scrubs at his eyes, suddenly very tired. “I’m going to bed. Good night.”
“What do you mean you’re going to bed? Why are you walking toward my room? Hey you asshole, unlock the door right now! I never said you could sleep in my bed! Get the fuck out of my room!”
Todoroki goes to work the next day and gets a small cake in condolences for his breakup. He’s a little upset because he wanted to be the one to dump Bakugou and the cake is noticeably filled with canned pineapple that Bakugou probably got from Todoroki’s house. Bakugou also spends the entire day laughing at him for getting dumped, and Todoroki does not know a lot about dating practices, but laughing in the face of your ex seems like something high on the list of things that you’re not supposed to do.
The rest of the agency goes out of their way to try to make Todoroki feel better, which he really does not appreciate. He is not upset that he and Bakugou broke up. He is more upset about the fact that Bakugou had dumped him after throwing some leaves in his shoes and some ice cubes down the back of his shirt, because Todoroki had been planning to do the exact same thing.
Mineta tells him that there are always better and bigger fish in the ocean to fry. Todoroki doesn’t think that he’s fallen so far that even Mineta feels the need to pity him, but yet here they are. Though after watching Mineta drool over some Mt. Lady promotional poster, Todoroki can firmly say that he still has the better life.
Iida, with all his newfound love for shoujo mangas, tells him that he should consider moving toward 2D girls. He says that the main characters are always so genuine and pure and they will never betray you. Todoroki personally finds them kind of dumb and airheaded and not good at communication at all, but he’s afraid that Iida might actually cry if he voices his thoughts, so he keeps them to himself.
Uraraka has also been obsessed with a shoujo manga, one with host clubs or something like that, and she tries to split them up into different personality types. She seems to forget that he and Bakugou don’t look alike at all because she tries to cast them as the twins, and one wall and a clock demolished later, well, the whole ordeal goes about as well as any expects.
Kirishima invites him to go to karaoke. Todoroki does not want to go to karaoke with Kirishima, Jirou, Kaminari and Tetsutetsu. The last time he had been dragged along had been the first time Todoroki had purposefully got himself drunk so that he didn’t have to hear Kirishima and Kaminari wailing love songs at each other for two hours straight.
All Might seems to misunderstand the whole situation because he locks Todoroki, Bakugou and Midoriya in a room to try to talk their feelings out. It ends up with Todoroki and Bakugou using Midoriya to relay messages to the other, and the only thing Todoroki really learns is that Midoriya has the patience of a saint.
In the evening, his wallet noticeably lighter from having to buy lunch for Bakugou and Midoriya for their troubles (though now that he thinks about it, Bakugou probably caused him more trouble than the other way around), he has to sit at the busiest intersection in the city with cat ears perched on his head while wearing a bright pink hoodie that says ‘Bakugou Katsuki shits on me’ on it.
Todoroki Shouto does not deserve to suffer like this.
“Kacchan, can you not call me Fucking Deku?”
“Hah? Why not?”
“The Deku part is okay because you’ve called me that for so long and it’s… it’s really cute now and I like it, but can you not say the F word every time you talk to me?”
“Shitty Deku.”
“Um. Not quite what I was going for.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say! Fucking… shitty… f… Sucking Deku!”
“…wow, is that what you want to do? I wasn’t even away for that long. Are you projecting?”
“Shut the fuck up!”