Chapter Text
To be honest, Shiro had no clue as to how exactly Hunk managed to grow and brew coffee, or what tasted like coffee, in an alien castle space ship hurtling through the abyss of space, but the kid managed to do it. He had to admire his culinary genius. Hunk was like a nicer, less screamy Gordon Ramsay, but this has to stop. Pidge hasn’t slept in four days and Shiro was about 90% certain that all that was in her bloodstream was the expressos she kept requesting Hunk to make. Tiptoeing past her room, still hearing keys tapping from her laptop, despite it being four in the freaking morning, he made his way to the kitchen.
After double checking to make sure nobody had woken up, Shiro opened the door to the kitchen and snuck over to the sim coffee taps Hunk and Pidge had worked together to install, sighing as he noticed the cast-aside notes he had scribbled on and stuck to the counter. “Pidge, this is too much double espresso for one person of your size”, “Pidge, please remember to eat and drink water, we haven’t seen you have any in a week”, etc. Carefully peeling off the label “decaf” and replacing it with “espresso”, Shiro wondered if Pidge would freak out that much. Oh well, he thought, an angry Pidge can’t be that bad, can it?
(Famous last words, rip shiro, he will be missed)
Four hours later, at breakfast:
Shiro glanced around the dining hall. So far, Pidge hasn’t needed to get more coffee. It was just Hunk somehow making what looked like meat with orange sauce of some sort (how he managed to get any of the ingredients was beyond him)in the kitchen, Lance and Keith bickering (they seemed to do that an awful lot seeing as they were dating, but whatever), and Allura and Coran discussing a new bonding exercise of the sort (he’ll worry about that later).
Suddenly, the green paladin stumbled past the table, beelining for the kitchen, grumbling about something under her breath. Shiro and Allura exchanged worried glances. Pidge has only came out of her room five times so far for more coffee, each time looking less and less like a human and more a sleep-deprived zombie. Watching the kitchen door shut behind her, he sincerely hoped that his plan would work and she would start functioning like normal soon.
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Okay, in retrospect, this was a pretty bad idea. Probably almost as bad as that time Keith thought he could fight Zarkon all by himself. Not worse, but it was certainly up there. What Shiro had expected, if his plan to get Pidge off caffeine failed, was for Pidge to notice, and quietly use the espresso tap now labeled “decaf”. However, he hadn’t been friends with Pidge for years, unlike Lance and Keith, and would have never made the amateur mistake of separating Pidge from caffeine.
Everyone flinched as Pidge stormed into the dining hall, waving around a coffee cup that was dangerously close to splashing Hunk, who was nervously following her.
“Alright who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to replace my coffee with this decaf filth”, she hissed. Suddenly Shiro had regrets his life choices. Trying to keep the guilt and fear from showing on his face, he mustered his best “strong leader who in no way replaced Pidge’s coffee with decaf” look. Seeing nobody fessing up, Pidge looked even angrier. (Hell, who needs the strongest weapon known to the universe to defeat the Galra. Just point an angry Pidge in the general direction and book it). Swearing Altean profanities under her breath, Pidge turned on her heels and stormed out.
“Since whoever pranked me isn’t coming clean, I’m letting you off the hook for now. If I find out who it is later, you better give up on this life and pray I don’t find you in the next one. It is on, fuckers”, she yelled as the door closed behind her.
Despite Pidge being about half his size, Shiro was now terrified of the tiny paladin. Glancing back at everyone else, he saw that Hunk had walked over and sat with Lance, and they both looked ready to give a PowerPoint presentation on just how badly he fucked up. Clearing his throat, Hunk started speaking.
“Okay, whoever did this clearly has underestimated Pidge when she’s cut off of coffee. Me and Lance over here learned that the hard way”, Hunk said, as he shuddered at the memory. Lance nodded, also about to lecture everyone on the dangers of a mad Pidge.
“Pidge is kind of like a wet cat. Some fool made the mistake of pissing her off, and she can and will murder you. Hell, did you see her take on those cubes the Olkari were forced to make? Sendak? Haxis? You know what happened to them? They’re dead, that’s what happened.”
After hearing this threatening speech from the yellow and blue paladins, Shiro thought that it would probably be best if he stepped up and confessed, before someone else got blamed or Pidge murdered all the ship’s inhabitants. Taking a deep breath, and mentally preparing himself to face Pidge later, he stood up.
“I’m to blame here. I was worried about Pidge, because she wasn’t sleeping and only drinking coffee, that I thought giving her decaf would help her get back to normal,” Shiro stated.
Again, he got an unexpected reaction. Instead of being blamed for Pidge’s destructive mood, he was met with laughter. Confused, Shiro furrowed his eyebrows. Wiping tears from his eyes, Lance was the first one to speak.
“Man, Shiro, I always forget how much of a dad friend you are. Here we all thought someone was trying to prank her, but you were concerned about Pidge’s sleep schedule? Oh, this is hilarious,” Lance snickered.
Keith, who was still snickering, nodded. “But now, you unwittingly started a prank war with Pidge. She doesn’t step down from a challenge. We should probably be prepared.”
As everyone else speculated about what exactly Pidge would do for revenge, Shiro made a mental note to throw all the caffeinated coffees Hunk made into the airlock. Seeing as he was going to die anyway, he might as well do it while making sure that Pidge has to start sleeping again.