Chapter Text
A sigh of tiredness. A hand in his chest. Harry was tired from the day activities and Quidditch practice, and the fact that he was having problems to breath didn’t actually help. Wood really was making them sweat this season. If Gryffindor didn’t win next game he will definitely kill them all.
The castle was silent as he walked. It was dinner time since almost half an hour ago, but Harry wanted a shower and silence first. He wanted more time to himself lately, not for the fact that, well, the constant thought over his head that a dark wizard planned to kill him 24/7, or his constant struggles with certain teacher and classmates, or his classes, or practice or.. Well, beside or the other reasons for what he wanted to be alone. No, this was a new issue (one more in his long list). Another thing to occupy his mind.
Noise distracts him, and a delicious smell makes him forget a little about his worry. Various pair of eyes followed him to his table when he enters the Great Hall, but years of the same thing every time he enter the room (on time or late, the latter more frequently actually) make him indifferent to it by now, so he just localized his friends and sit.
‘¡Where were you! ¡I thought something happen to you!’
Hermione gave him an inquisitive and worried look at the same time, to what Harry just give her an apologetic smile, not so surprised for his friend reaction.
‘Sorry, I wanted to shower first. I had mud in places mud shouldn’t be’
Ron laughs around a mouthful of food and Hermione made a disgusted expression.
‘Ew, I didn’t want to know that. Boys’
She said, sighing, and went back to eat. Harry could only smile.
They talk through dinner about the day, about the Herbology homework, and laugh at Ron’s face and Hermione’s roll of eyes. With Harry’s panic expression because he still didn’t finish it and Hermione scolding them both for it.
It was a good meal, and it would have been perfect if it wasn’t for some comments when they were going out from some ‘idiots who didn’t know how to use their time’, in words of Hermione.
‘Look, there is Potter. She thinks she’s a boy now’
‘¿Really? What is wrong with her now?’
‘Being the ‘chosen one’ can twist your brain really bad apparently’
‘Ignore them, Harry. Let’s go’
Ron walked beside him along with Hermione to the Gryffindor tower. In silence and slowly, because they knew how difficult was to breath for Harry at that time of the day.
‘Sleep well you two. And don’t listen to them, everything is fine, Harry. And take it off immediately before you start having trouble to breathe, okay?’
Hermione instructed when they enter at the Common room and head to the dormitories, giving them a stern look. Harry just smile and nod, Ron just bothering with a playful roll of eyes. She says it with a hard tone, but the boy knew it was because she worries about his health.
‘Come on man, I’m dead on my feet’
Ron pats him in the back and went ahead to the dormitory. Inside was empty, except for the two of them. The redhead went straight to search for his pajamas and Harry did the same in an autopilot motion.
He was still thinking about what that students said and all what that mean. How people think that of him, although, with everything that happened he thought he was used to comments like that, but apparently they still make him feel all confused and frustrated and sad and-
‘Harry.. ¿You want to use the bathroom first?’
Ron was looking at him like he knew what was happening in his head, but treated him like always, like nothing was different. Like this was just a normal night in the boy’s dormitory with the two friends getting ready to sleep.
Harry manages an exhaled.
‘Y-Yeah, sure’
He took his things and went to the bathroom, closing the door slowly.
Normally, he didn’t think much when he changes.
He just takes off his clothes, makes it quick and went out.
He just faces the mirror before though, to wash his teeth’s, but never after change. And the few days he did that it was because he was feeling really well about himself, which wasn’t the case at the moment.
He put a hand in his chest, breathing slowly and deep, feeling the discomfort and the tightness, reminding him that it has been too much, it’s time to take it off, take it off now.
He sight a last time and start to undress.
Pants and shoes first because they were easier.
Glasses then and shirt.
And finally, the hard part.
He let out a humourless laugh, thinking how difficult it went the first time he takes it off. He was a little better now, but it was still a complicated task.
He folded the binder like always, at the front and back, and then he pulls it over his head. And pull. And keep pulling until he was out, cleaning the sweat from his forehead.
He didn’t laugh this time though, feeling the weigh in his chest.
These days were the hardness. When he was hyper aware of his appearance, his voice, his height. When he couldn’t ignore that little voice in his head saying he was all wrong, that he was mutilating himself. Saying he would never be enough.
He closes his eyes and breathe, feeling much better but much worse at the same time. He didn’t cry this time though, part because he didn’t want to and part because of the hormones. That makes him feel a tiny bit better. The knowledge that the hormones were making their effect, that he could feel it in random times and tasks through the day.
He let out another sigh, enjoying the breathing process, and put a baggie shirt. He would use a sports bra to sleep in any other night but not today. He used his binder more than the strictly necessary hours and more pressure, even if it was little, could make it worse.
He put his glasses and collects his things strategically to hide his chest, opening the door and coming out, more self-conscious than usual.
‘Man, you take ages!, I wanted to pee!’
Ron passes him and enters the bathroom hurriedly.
Like nothing was out of place.
Like he didn’t even notice the almost visible bulges in his friend’s chest.
Harry smiled, and starts preparing his bed, putting his clothes in order for the next day.
Noise came out of the bathroom and then Ron went out, going to his bed and flopping in it, sighing.
‘Good thing the girls have their room on the other side, or Hermione would be all over us for that homework. I’m telling you man, she’s getting more paranoid about it every passing year’
Harry laughs, taking off his glasses and accommodating in the bed, with the sound of Ron doing the same in his own.
‘G’night, Harry. Wake me up if you get up first, okay?’
‘Sure. Good night Ron’
As he close his eyes, Harry thought in how these days were the hardness but the more hopeful at the same time.
Hard because all that comments and thoughts will eat him out through the day, making him feel gross, confused, without confidence and self-conscious.
But hopeful at the same time because he remembers how his friends support him no matter what. Little comments about his pronouns, about his chosen name make him feel a lot better. It would remind him that, even if they find out just a few months before and even if they didn’t understand it all, they still were at his side. They still will be there, but not like ‘her’ best friends, with him sharing a room with Hermione, but at ‘his’ best friends, with him in the boys room, playing with the other guys, using the males uniform and pronouns.
Yes, he knew he’ll have more days like this, but the knowledge that he has people by his side, who accept him for who he was, no matter what, make the days and life more bearable than before.