Chapter Text
It was a warm night in Konoha. It was getting late, but in the core of the village the smell of food and the sound of laughter still wafted from restaurants and bars. Kakashi walked slowly, hands in his pockets, taking it in. He had nowhere to be, and a deep calm settled over him. He had not felt this at peace in a long time. Still, training a team of rambunctious Genin left him wanting a more direct form of relaxations. His feet lead him away from the neon signs and flickering lanterns onto a side street.
His favourite bar when he was drinking alone, Kiko’s was a hole in the wall. The atmosphere was always friendly but calm, and the owner was a girl who’d been a few years above him in the academy. She wasn’t a ninja anymore, but sometimes she gave him free drinks. The dim and smoky interior was neither crowded nor empty. Kakashi plopped down on one of the bar stools, flashing Kiko a smile with his eyes. She gave a wave, and a minute later came to take his order.
Kakashi preferred shots. They were easier to drink without giving anyone a look under his mask. He ordered three to start, but did not drink them at once. It was nice to catch up on the village gossip without saying much, only offering the occasional word in the conversation between Kiko, a Chunin, and a civilian man who both also sat alone at the bar. Even as the warmth of the alcohol began to creep over him, Kakashi was still extremely aware of his surroundings. That was why he noticed the muffled sob coming from one of the darkened booths.
The girl curled alone over the table was dressed as a civilian. To an onlooker who did not know better, she could have been crying about anything: a boy, a missed promotion… Kakashi however, knew the truth. The purple-haired girl was an elite ninja, a member of ANBU who did not often cry. Cold fingers of fear curled in his gut. Why would Yugao be crying? Breaking down in public? As if in a trance, Kakashi walked over to the table.
“Need some company?” he asked her.
Through splayed fingers, she peered up at him. A strangled sound escaped her throat, something between a laugh and a sob. She was clearly drunk, but still hurried to wipe traces of the tears from her cheeks.
“Fuck…” she made the sound again, this time more clearly a laugh. “It’s you. Of course it’s you. We don’t know each other, remember? Keep walking.” Her words slurred.
Not wanting to leave her alone in this state, and also because of the fear which felt heavier in his gut with every passing second, Kakashi was undeterred. He’d lead Team Ro for years, and suddenly Kakashi felt guilty that he hadn’t even thought of them in months.
“Is it a crime to buy a pretty girl a drink?” Kakashi asked, sitting down across from her. “I never knew you to be the one to turn down a free anything.”
“Fine,” Yugao pouted, fist banging against the table.
The ordered a couple beers, Kakashi not caring if she saw his face. She’d seen it before.
“You should go back to the light, Kakashi,” she muttered, “to your Genin, to catching cats. There’s nothing for us to talk about.”
Kakashi’s time with Team 7 had not been all light. Their mission to the land of waves had been harrowing, pulling Kakashi close to the children in his charge. Maybe that was why he hadn’t even wondered what Team Ro was doing. They had Tenzo as their leader, after all. Kakashi knew there was no one better, trusted no one more to keep his former comrades safe. But why was Yugao crying?
“I’m worried,” Kakashi said, deciding to be more forward than he ordinarily would be. “I care about you. I don’t want to see you like this.”
Yugao smiled at him. “I appreciate it, Senpai. And I do appreciate the company. Tell me how you’re adapting. To be honest, I can’t imagine you in charge of children.”
So Kakashi told her, tried to take her mind off whatever was tormenting her. His mind however, could not be moved. Though he felt a little guilty, seeing as she was already drunk enough, Kakashi did not discourage Yugao’s consumption of more alcohol. In theory, it could be considered a crime, trying to pry information from a black ops agent.
“How’s the old team?” Kakashi attempted, as Yugao slumped back into the corner, muscles relaxed.
“That’s classified,” she slurred back, “I don’t even know what team you’re talking about.”
The tears were back, trapped right behind her eyes. The watery sheen gave Kakashi the information he needed. Something had happened, something bad. He hadn’t been there to protect them. It had seemed like such an easy choice at the time: light vs dark, dwelling in the shadows of his past vs moving on into the sun. He hadn’t considered who he was leaving behind in ANBU’s shadows.
He hadn’t spoken to Tenzo in half a year. The thought seemed absurd to Kakashi in his drunken state. There had been a time when he’d seen the man every day. From leading the team together, to extended two man missions, there was no one he worked with better. Tenzo had seemed so happy for him, encouraged him to leave. Maybe he’d seemed a little mournful at times, but he’d pushed Kakashi to agree to the Hokage’s suggestion. ANBU were almost never in the village, it wasn’t that he’d forgotten his old teammates, Kakashi thought, there had just been no time. The excuse fell flat.
“You think I’m a security threat?” Kakashi asked. “I already know everything.”
“Acting all tough, but where’s your clearance?”
Kakashi pretended to deliberate, before producing his middle finger from below the table like he’d just discovered it was there. “Oh… is this it?”
Yugao snorted, rolling her eyes, but the laugh quickly morphed into a sob, and she hid her face in her hands as if that would stop him from noticing.
“Do you drink alone much?” Kakashi asked.
Yugao shrugged. “Just got out of the hospital, ‘s why I wasn’t on the mission. My apartment… felt like there was no air in it. I didn’t want to burden Hayate. I already tell him more than I’m allowed.”
“I get it…” The silence stretched on for a moment then, “what mission weren’t you on?”
Instead of answering, Yugao rested her head on the table, unresponsive.
“I suppose the paperwork gets done faster now that I’m gone,” Kakashi mused. “I never was one for the bureaucratic side of leadership. Then again, Tenzo did most of it anyways. I suppose that much hasn’t changed.”
Another sob. So Yugao was still conscious. Kakashi’s knuckles were white on the edge of the table. His heart beat too fast in his chest, creeping dread seeping from every corner of the smoky bar.
“I’m still a Shinobi,” he said. “Just because I don’t wear the mask anymore doesn’t mean I can’t help. Tell me what happened, Yugao.”
“You got out,” she muttered, not raising her head. “’S smart. You don’t have to know what happ’ns in ANBU. ‘S why it exists, so everyone else don’t have to know the bad stuff.”
“I can take it. Trust me… it does no good to keep things bottled up. I’m here as a friend… A bad friend who hasn’t checked up on his friends in too long, but a friend.”
“He was a better captain than you, you know?” Yugao said, raising tearful eyes to stare him down, “…Tenzo.”
Kakashi felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. All the air had been knocked out of him and he couldn’t breath. They were Shinobi, especially at ANBU level risks were expected, so why did the use of past tense feel like a blade? He wasn’t sure how long I had been since he’d moved. He wasn’t sure how much of his emotions were visible on his partially covered face.
“I’m sorry, Kakashi,” Yugao muttered. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to dump this all on you… you have enough shit.”
“What happened?” his voice cracked as he spoke, praying there was more to it, praying he’d misunderstood.
“Five-man squad,” she said, “didn’t check in. It’s been too long.”
“It’s not certain then!” Kakashi leaned across the table. “There’s still hope.”
She looked at him pityingly. “I suppose you’ve always been like this. Tenzo’d be so mad at me… Wouldn’t have wanted me to tell you. He was so hung up on you. We were always poking fun, trying to get him to reach out, since you just kind of disappeared. He never would though, always swore it was for the best. Parroted your line… the one about connections being dangerous for Shinobi.” She laughed. “’S stupid because it’s not like that even works.”
That was the truth of ANBU: a life in the shadows and a death without fanfare or a headstone, to live the life of a hero, but to have it go uncelebrated. Instead of a funeral they just got to disappear, without their friends even knowing they were gone. Maybe Kakashi deserved that life, but Tenzo didn’t, and neither did any of the men and woman he’d used to lead… the comrades he’d abandoned.
Yugao slammed a hand into her forehead. “Stupid! It could have just been me to know, to feel this way. But I had to tell you, and now we’re both suffering.”
“No!” Kakashi cut her off. “I’m sorry for leaving. I… I’m glad you told me. I wasn’t there but I can be now.”
This time Yugao didn’t conceal the sobs. “It’s been over a week since we’ve had any word, Senpai. There’s nothing you can do, even you.” The tears came harder.
“Shinobi don’t cry,” Kakashi scolded, numb, on autopilot. “You’re stronger than this, Yugoa. You’ll be alright. Shinobi endure.”
“You don’t have to tell me I’m being weak, that I’m not acting like a Shinobi. I know! I know, and I’m trying.” Yugao hissed. “In this line of work I need to get used to losing comrades. But it’s everyone… nearly at least. I’ll practically be the most senior member. Just let me have this one goddamn night. I just want to drink until I can’t feel anything anymore.”
Kakashi could not begrudge her that. He was not sure what he had expected—coming over here and dipping a foot back into the shadows—other than the horrors he’d left there.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I think I may have been talking to myself.”
So Yugao drank, and Kakashi kept her company. As much as he understood the need to numb the pain, to do that now would be to give up. He hadn’t given up. They sat mostly in silence, occasionally reminiscing about the not so terrible moments they’d shared on Team Ro. And there had been some: glorious victories, and friendships formed without seeing faces. Though it had trapped Kakashi in darkness, it was possible that Minato had been right, that it had been ANBU that saved him. Or more so, the position of leadership he’d been given.
Kakashi was waiting for Sarutobi when he arrived at the office early the next morning. The first rays of sun were beginning to peek over the horizon, and Yugao was safe in bed. Kakashi had watched over her long enough to ensure she wouldn’t drown in her own vomit. The aged Hokage sighed when he noticed Kakashi waiting outside his door, noted his tense posture and the faint smell of alcohol. It was going to be a long morning, Sarutobi realized, and he hadn’t even had his tea yet.
“Let me go after them.” The words were out of Kakashi’s mouth before Sarutobi could even reach his desk.
“Who are we talking about?” he asked, fully aware of the answer. “If you mean Team Ro, then it seems I have a serious security breach on my hands. Their mission was top secret.”
“I know them. I know their protocols. I’m the best choice for a retrieval squad.”
“And what makes you think I’m sending anyone? You know the risks of our profession Kakashi, and so did they.”
“There is no confirmation they’re dead. They’re not the type that’s easy to kill and I know Tenzo would protect his team no matter what. Are you really willing to take the loss of five of your top Shinobi?” Kakashi realized how rude he was being, and quickly added, “I apologize for my bluntness, Lord Third.”
“I am under to no obligation to give you any information, Kakashi, but yes I will be sending someone. However, it won’t be you. That’s final. You’re too close to this and you left your ANBU clearance behind. Focus on Team Seven.”
~
Naruto and Sakura wandered aimlessly through the village. After it had become obvious that Kakashi-sensei wasn’t going to show, the team had split. Much to Sakura’s disappointment, Sasuke had disappeared, but it wasn’t like she had anything better to do but hang out with Naruto. He was jabbering on about one thing or another, and she was only half listening.
It was only when he said something about training that she tuned it.
“Sure,” she said, “I could go for some sparring. I need to stay in shape, after all.”
“Dattebayo, Sakura! Don’t think I’ll go easy on you just because you’re a good-looking lady.”
Before Naruto had a chance to dodge, Sakura’s fist collided with his back. “As if I’d need you to!”
Their path to the training ground took them past the Hokage’s building. They rounded the corner then froze. They’d found Kakashi after all. Their Sensei released a growl of frustration, fist colliding with the red stone wall. Cracks formed around his hand, and he slumped forward, forehead resting against the building.
“Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto called, running towards him.
Sakura hurried to follow. “Sensei, are you alright?”
He looked up, and there was desperation in his eyes. They had not seen such emotion on his face since their confrontation with Zabuza. Even then, he had kept up a façade that was almost impossibly calm and collected. This was something different, something raw, and they were both unsure what to make of it. Sakura hung back, unsure, but Naruto—of course—dove right in.
“You missed training this morning, Sensei, what happened? You look upset?”
Kakashi forced a smile, try to lock away everything in the vault in his chest. But it wasn’t working as well as usual. He’d lost the scabs he’d built up during his time in ANBU. He’d let his emotions out a little, and now it was hard to stop the flood.
“I’m fine,” he said, assuming his normal aloof posture, “don’t you worry about it. What are you two doing here wasting time? Shouldn’t you be training?”
“But Sensei!” Sakura protested, “it was you who was late.”
“Was I?” Kakashi squinted up at the sun’s position. “Well, I suppose you’re right. That’s still no excuse. A true Shinobi takes the initiative.”
~
The next day, Team Seven left the mission desk with a new assignment. It was nothing special, a C rank courier mission delivering packs full of priority mail to the northern tip of the Land of Fire. What was odd was the exchange that had lead to its assignment. Kakashi could be exceptionally charming when he wanted something. This was obvious from the blushing, flustered Iruka who’d finally assigned them this particular mission. As funny as it was to see their old Sensei flounder, the exchanged had left the Genin with the question of what exactly it was that Kakashi wanted.
There had to be something special about this mission they weren’t seeing. Sasuke and Sakura locked eyes, knowing they were thinking the same thing. Naruto was oblivious as always, complaining loudly about the mission sounding boring.
When they’d reached the village gates and Kakashi still hadn’t said a word, Sakura piped up. “Sensei, is there anything else about this mission we should know?”
There was no response. Running ahead of them, Kakashi seemed a million miles away.
“Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto said, much louder.
The Jonin started, skidding to a stop. “Sorry, what were you saying?”
“Sakura was asking if there’s anything weird about this mission,” Naruto said, sounding a little too excited.
“Not at all… Is ensuring these vital communications get to their destination quickly not excitement enough for you?” The teasing was half hearted, and now even Naruto had noticed that something was off. “Tell you what, if you’re all so eager, how about you carry my share as well?”
Before they could protest, Kakashi’s load of scrolls and letters had been split among the other three.
“Strength training,” he added, cutting off their loud complaining. Then, they were on their way again.
Kakashi kept a grueling pace. Soon, Sakura’s legs were burning, and Kakashi gave no sign of letting up.
Sasuke was the first among them to notice the presences. “Sensei,” he said, voice as emotionless as ever.
“Don’t worry,” Kakashi said, “they’re allies.”
And so it was, about half a kilometre away, three other Konoha Shinobi moved through the trees. They were all dressed in the classic green vest, headbands around their foreheads. Kakashi had never seen Yugao dressed as an ordinary Jonin before.
“Fancy running into you here,” Kakashi commented, as Team Seven fell into step beside the other squad.
Jumping from branch to branch, Genma fixed Kakashi was an accusing side eye. “Yeah, what a surprise,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
“I see you’re on a mission with your Genin,” Raido said, and there was an accusation buried in his words.
“Delivering some mail to a northern outpost,” Kakashi continued on as if he hadn’t noticed. “Are we heading in the same direction?”
Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura exchanged looks. They could sense the tension between the adults but did not understand it. The purple-haired woman hadn’t spoken a word. She stared ahead intensely, so focused it was like she hadn’t even noticed them.
“Hey!” Naruto piped up. “What mission are you guys on? Something cool? Cooler than mail delivery I bet…”
“It’s extraction,” it was Raido to answer, “or body disposal… Depends on what happened to the ANBU squad we’ve been sent after.”
“Do you think they really need to know the details?” Genma hissed.
Raido shrugged. “It’s not classified; not like the ANBU’s original mission. Us two don’t even know the full details of that.” His eyes flickered to Yugao.
“I don’t either,” the Kunoichi muttered. “…need to know.”
They ran together for some time, some sort of conversation taking place between the men that the Genin could not understand. It was composed of mostly glares and hand signs. It was Genma to suggest a break.
“I think a rest is in order,” he practically growled, “seeing as I get the sense you’re going to keep pace with us regardless and I’m a little worried the kids are going to pass out from exhaustion.”
As they landed softly on the forest floor, Kakashi cast a concerned look towards the trio, as if the thought that they might be tired had not occurred to me. “How are you all feeling?”
“Perfect!” Naruto beamed, energetic as always. “So, those three are going after some ANBU? That’s awesome! Those guys are super strong.”
Though she did not answer aloud, Kakashi got a reality check when Sakura swayed on her feet. Sasuke caught her before she could fall, letting the blushing girl lean on him. The Uchiha himself didn’t look so hot, and Kakashi felt a twinge of guilt in his gut.
“You alright Sakura?” Naruto’s blue eyes sparked with worry.
She protested, but it was clear to everyone she was at her limit. Kakashi made them all take a soldier pill and reminded them to drink water. By the edge of the clearing, Genma beckoned him over.
“Stay here,” Kakashi instructed.
The three men moved away, leaving the Genin with Yugao. She had collected some branches and using a small fire style Jutsu, she ignited them.
“Is that safe?” Sakura asked, her voice small.
She had been regarding the older Kunoichi with reverence since the two squads had met.
“We’re still in friendly territory,” she answered. “This part of the Land of Fire is about as safe as it gets.”
Over the crackle of the flames, the trio could just barely make out the sound of voices, but they were just far enough away that distinguishing words was difficult.
“I know why you’re here Hatake,” Raido said, “and I don’t blame you, I really don’t, but you can’t drag those kids into this. It’s an A rank.”
“Who do you think I—” Kakashi cut himself off with a snarl. “Listen… I’d protect those three with my life. That was never the plan. They’re going to finish our mission and I’m going to come with you. Don’t say you don’t need the help. A three-man squad is pushing it since you’re going into Tenchi territory.”
“And what if something happens to them while they’re on their own?” Genma asked. “Would you ever be able to forgive yourself for not being there?”
“No,” Kakashi said, and his voice rose, “just like I can’t forgive myself for not being there for Tenzo! I owe him this,” Kakashi had managed to lower his voice, but now it sounded almost pleading, “he watched my back for years, saved my life so many times I’ve lost count.”
I can’t lose anyone else. These words went unsaid. Not him too.
“They’re more capable than you think.” Kakashi was calm again, the rare burst of emotion swept away like it had never happened. “And I plan to send my ninken with them. Not only that, but Gai and his team are on the way back from a mission. I’ve sent a messenger hawk ahead. I feel bad forcing another mission on them, but I know Gai will come through.”
“You’ll be disobeying a direct order,” Raido warned, but there was no fight in his voice.
“To Shinobi, breaking the rules makes you trash, but leaving even one friend behind would make me worse than trash.”
They’d heard Kakashi say those words before, and he was met with no more protest, only nods of solemn acceptance.
By the fire, the Genin and Yugao had been having their own conversation. To be fair, Yugao had not said much.
“They’re mad at Kakashi-sensei, right?” Naruto asked.
“I don’t know if I’d go that far.” Yugao poked at the fire with a stick.
Dusk had fallen and a crescent moon was visible through the branches above.
“I think he wants to go with them,” Sakura said, “on their mission. From what I’ve been able to overhear, at least.”
Sasuke grunted in agreement.
“Hey…” Naruto leaned towards Yugao in an ominously animated fashion. “Miss Lady… You were left out of their secret conversation just like we are. What do you say we pool information? You should tell us what’s going on.”
Yugao raised an eyebrow, desperately attempting to supress a smile. It was the first smile they’d seen from her.
“I wasn’t left out,” she said. “I just don’t care what Senpai does. All I care about is the mission. I’d go after them even if no one came with me.”
“You talk like you know them,” Sasuke piped up, “which is odd since, how I understand it, the whole point of ANBU is that no one knows who’s behind the masks.”
Yugao did not respond, staring into the flames as if she hadn’t heard. Kakashi, Genma, and Raido emerged from the woods. The four adults agreed to split up watch and soon Team Seven moved over to one side of the clearing, further from the fire. In a hushed voice, Kakashi explained the change in plans. Despite Naruto and Sakura’s protests, Kakashi gave very little information.
“I understand the value of their mission,” Sasuke said, “and how losing top Shinobi is a blow to the village. However, I don’t see how this whole thing isn’t a big waste of time. What are the chances there are survivors on an ANBU mission? I’ve heard ANBU protocol is to destroy yourself when chances of escape look slim so that you aren’t captured or your dead body doesn’t fall into enemy hands.” His voice was flat and emotionless.
“Sasuke-kun, maybe you shouldn’t… I mean…” Sakura trailed off, covering her mouth, mortified that she’d almost disagreed with him.
All Sakura had were tiny puzzle pieces of information and her intuition, but she knew for a fact that had been the absolute wrong thing to say. It was clear from Kakashi’s posture. He wasn’t looking at them, instead staring down at his clenched fist.
“Is that true?” Naruto was aghast. “Do ANBU really have to kill themselves? That’s so stupid! That gets rid of the chance their friends can come and save them. It doesn’t make any sense.”
“You’re naive,” Sasuke shot back.
Sakura stared helplessly at Kakashi, willing the others to stop but not wanting to make it worse by speaking.
“Maybe you’re right, Naruto,” Kakashi said, “become the Hokage and maybe you can change that.”
“You bet I will!” Naruto jumped to his feet. “Believe it!”
“Shut up dobe…”
“Sit back down,” their Sensei ordered. “I’m on first watch. Get some rest because you’re going to have a long day tomorrow.”
Kakashi left them to get comfortable in their bedrolls.
“Is it just me or does Kakashi-sensei look upset?” Naruto whispered, somehow still too loudly.
“I think he must know the ANBU,” Sakura said. “This was why he punched that wall the other day, I’m almost positive.”