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Carlos was making his way across the classroom when it happened. He tripped on a backpack and then-
“Oh, fuck, sorry.”
Everybody froze. Jane, sitting nearby, looked horrified. Most of the others just looked surprised.
It never meant anything good when everyone stopped like that, and Carlos had to determine exactly how not-good this situation was. If this would get him scolded, isolated, beat up, or sent back to the Isle. Trying to hide his nerves and wishing any other Villain Kid were here, he asked, “What? What did I do?”
Jane was the first to speak. “You swore.”
Now that he knew wasn’t true; Carlos never did anything like that, no one on the Isle did. It was common sense. “No, I didn’t promise anyone anything.”
Jane shook her head, and classmates began to murmur around them. “Not promised, swore.”
“...What’s the difference?”
“You said a bad word, Carlos.”
“What?” No, that wasn’t right. ‘Sorry’ was supposed to be a good word. A lot of things on Auradon were confusing, but that wasn’t usually one of them.
“A curse word.”
Oh. “I don’t have any magic, so you don’t need to worry about that.” He thought she’d known that already, but apparently not.
“That’s not what I meant. You said… the f-word.”
He stared at her for a moment, and then it clicked. “Fuck?”
Jane blushed, and a couple other kids chuckled. “You did it again.”
The teacher joined in now. “I expected this from your friends, Carlos, but not from you.”
He bristled slightly at that, but the priority right now was figuring out what they were talking about. “Expect what?”
“Foul language,” Mr. Goodman replied, eying him judgmentally.
“It was English,” he reminded, exasperated.
“Not proper English.”
“Why can’t I say fuck?”
Jane cut in again. “It’s rude.”
“To who? I didn’t say it to anyone.”
“To everyone. It’s a bad word.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. Fuck is just a word.”
Mr. Goodman’s face turned red. “That’s enough, Mr. de Vil. You may see the Fairy Godmother in her office.”
He said ‘may.’ That was another stupid thing that people did on Auradon; they pretended they were allowing you to do something instead of telling you to. But at least he understood that rule; aggressiveness was looked down upon here, so they pretended it didn't exist. He didn’t want to get in any more trouble, though, so he just nodded and headed off.
On his way to the office, he contemplated the concept of ‘bad words.’ Were they chosen completely at random? Did they change sometimes, or were they always the same? Who decided on them? Was a word created just to be a bad one, or did it become bad over time? How much time? Overnight? How many other words was he not supposed to say? Alley? Market? Yikes?
Before too long, he arrived, knocking at the door. Fairy Godmother opened, looking surprised to see him. She’d seen Jay and Mal there plenty of times, but rarely Carlos or Evie. “Hi, Carlos. Can I help you?”
“Mr. Goodman told me to come here.”
“Why?” She looked concerned.
“I don’t know. I said fuck and they got mad.”
She blushed, and looked strikingly like her daughter when she did. “Come in.”
----
Half an hour later, the three other villain kids had been called in to the Fairy Godmother’s office to have an Important Conversation. She tried to explain the concept of bad words to them, and it did not go over well.
“You interrupted my chemistry class to tell me this?” Evie pouted.
“I don’t like the word moist, but you don’t hear me complaining about it.” Mal snarked, rolling her eyes.
“This is different. It’s not just that I don’t like the word. It’s a curse word.”
Mal’s eyes lit up. “A curse word?”
“Not like that, it doesn’t have any magic. It’s just a bad word, a swear, a cuss.” Fairy Godmother clarified.
Jay cut in. “No offense, Mrs. G, but that’s bullshit.”
She blushed again. “Watch your language!”
“It was English. It was English, right?” He turned to his friends for confirmation, just in case it had somehow come out in another language instead.
“But not proper English,” Carlos said sarcastically, at the same time that the Fairy Godmother said it sincerely. She shot him a dirty look.
“If we aren’t supposed to say it, why is it a word?” Evie argued.
“I don’t have time to explain that to you,” Fairy Godmother said, trying to remain in control of the situation. “It just is, and you can’t say it, especially in polite company.”
“It’s a perfectly good fucking word. I fucking like the word fuck. It’s fucking useful.”
“Mal, you stop that right now. You’re just saying it to upset me now.”
Mal groaned. “Well, yeah, now that you said I fucking can’t.”
“How are we even supposed to know which ones are bad? Just wait until we say them and someone gets mad?” That didn’t seem like a good idea to Jay.
“No, it’s- I’ll…” she paused, and then let out a sigh. “Fine. I’ll write some down for you so you know not to say them.”
She grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and started scribbling. The Villain Kids watched her silently, unsure what they were expected to do. Finally she finished, setting out the paper in front of them.
“Hold on, these aren’t all the same.” Mal pointed to a couple of the words. “These I get, because they have ‘history’ or they just insult a whole group of people. But the others are just regular words.”
“Yeah, and you took some of the best ones. How the hell do you expect us to show something is important?” Jay asked.
The Fairy Godmother took back the piece of paper and wrote something down on it quickly, turning the paper back to them. Hell.
“Now you’re just fucking with us,” Evie cried. The older woman shook her head.
Carlos was fuming. “How come fuck is ‘the f-word’ and not that one? ” He pointed to a longer one, and the Godmother’s face turned red.
“Well, I-”
“Do you expect us to just stop using these words because you’ve decided they’re bad? That’s ridiculous. There’s no difference between poop and shit, so how is one supposed to be worse than the other?”
The Fairy Godmother wished that Mal would make things easy just once. “It just is, okay? I’m not going to argue with you kids on this. I’m letting you know the way that it is. If you keep using these words in class, you’ll keep getting sent down here. That’s just how it works.”
All four kids were ticked off. “This is stupid.”
“You’re dismissed.”
“Why do you guys in Auradon love not using perfectly good stuff?”
“I said, you’re dismissed. Get back to class.”
The four kids trudged off, muttering under their breaths. As soon as the door closed behind them, the Fairy Godmother dropped her head into her hands. Why couldn’t anything be easy with them?
----
Sleep didn’t seem to pacify the Rotten Four’s indignation. That much became clear the next morning in class, when all of them were completely insufferable.
“You can’t say ‘golly,’ Audrey! That’s a bad word!”
“Excuse me? Did you say ‘fur?’ Go to detention, Chad.”
“I never expected a nice girl like you to say a word like ‘pumpernickel,’ Jane.”
“Doug! You can’t say ‘combustible’ in polite company! It’s so rude!”
They were all back in the Fairy Godmother’s office before the end of first period.
“We shouldn’t be here. We didn’t even say any bad words.” Mal said.
The other three nodded in agreement. “You know who should be here? Chad. I heard him say ‘arithmetic’ to a teacher’s face the other day.”
There was a snort at that. “You misheard, I don’t think Chad even knows that word. He said ‘athletic.’”
“That’s even worse,” accompanied by an offended gasp.
Fairy Godmother struggled to keep her composure. “I think you know full well that those are perfectly acceptable words.”
Carlos looked scandalized. “We know no such thing! Neither of those are suitable for polite company. That language is so foul it’s damn near German. ”
“Language!”
“Bueno, si no te gusta inglés-”
Fairy Godmother gave Evie her best stink-eye. “Not now, missy.”
"أو أبوت أربك؟"
“Ou français?”
“All of you need to watch your attitudes!”
“Merde.”
“Just because I don’t speak French doesn’t mean I don’t know what that means, young man!”
Mal rolled her eyes. “You’re going to need to settle on a language, ma’am.”
“I am not a ma’am! And I want you to speak English, but I want you to do it properly!”
Evie raised her hand. “Grammar is a construct.”
“No, it isn’t-” Fairy Godmother fumed.
“It absolutely is,” Carlos seconded.
“-And that’s not the point! The point is that you can’t say cuss words in class, and you can’t disrupt your classes!”
“Tell that to Lonnie.” Jay said. “Just this morning, she mentioned petunias. In class! Not very ladylike.”
Fairy Godmother took a slow, deep breath. “There’s nothing wrong with petunias.”
“Why not?”
“There just isn’t.”
“There just is, ” Mal corrected.
Evie stood, raising her hands in a conciliatory gesture. “I’m sure we can all get along. Now, Auradon is a democratic country, is it not?”
“Not really.”
“Yes it is, Carlos.” The Fairy Godmother hushed.
“Exactly. A country where everyone is equal and has the same rights-”
“Unless you live on the Isle, then screw you.” Jay interrupted.
“Well, naturally, that’s a given,” Evie continued, “but if you don’t live there, then everybody has equal say.”
Fairy Godmother narrowed her eyes. “What are you trying to say?”
“We have as much right to decide what words are bad as you do,” Mal concluded. “And we’ve decided that’s most of them.”
“Your mouths are dirtier than the public toilets on the Isle.”
“Thank you, Carlos. So, since polite language is so important here, we thought that it was our duty as Auradon citizens to make sure nobody said any words we don’t like.”
“In addition,” Evie cut in, “we think it best if every word be required to take a six-part exam in which its origins, physical strength, strength of character, ethics, memory, and agility will be tested to ensure that it is a quality word that can be used in polite society.”
“Any failed word that wishes to appeal the decision will face off against me in a wrestling match.” Jay added. “If it wins, it is worthy.”
Fairy Godmother stared at them for a long moment before letting out a deep sigh. “What do I need to do to get you to stop this nonsense?”
“Not make us stop using words that have always been an essential part of how we communicate.”
She studied them carefully. All four faces were suddenly completely serious. “... Fine. Given that you four grew up in very different circumstances, certain allowances can be made. But please, try to keep it to a minimum?” She got four matching, solemn nods. She supposed it was all she could ask for, so, “You’re dismissed.”
As they were leaving, she heard Jay whoop, and Mal say, “I told you that line about communication would seal the deal.”
Just before the door closed, Carlos caught it and popped his head back in. He flashed her a smile. “Thanks, Mrs. Godmother.”
----
It didn’t take long for the news to spread around school. Whether the Isle kids had spread it themselves, or some busybody had overheard the conversation, it didn’t matter. The end result was the same. There was a line of kids at her door waiting to complain about unfair allowances being made for Isle kids, which was apparently discriminating against the natural Auradonians. The third plaintiff filed in, sitting down with a speech already in hand. But Fairy Godmother wasn’t listening anymore; she’d given up. She just wanted to take a fucking nap.