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There was nothing Arthur could do but stare in abject horror and watch helplessly as the one thing he’d feared above all else for the past month came to pass.
Merlin admitting to being a sorcerer.
The sorcerer who had cured Guinevere’s father, no less.
Arthur opened his mouth, but he had no idea what to say. Was there anything that could make this right? He panicked because there was absolutely nothing to be done. This was Camelot, where sorcerers were cut down like those poor souls who took their chances travelling through the Valley of the Fallen Kings.
This, Merlin outing himself as a sorcerer, was the absolute worst outcome Arthur could have envisaged, one that he should have foreseen but hadn’t. He’d known almost from the start that his servant had magic. Merlin might have thought he was being secretive and careful, but a close call with a knife, another attempt on Arthur’s life involving a snake, and a myriad of other small incidents over the past month in which Merlin had saved Arthur’s life had all added up to be too much to be a coincidence.
And from that first second of knowing that his servant was a sorcerer, Arthur Pendragon, the son of Uther Pendragon—executioner extraordinaire of those with magic—had vowed to do all in his power to keep Merlin safe.
If it was the last thing he did, Arthur would protect Merlin; he was not about to allow anything to happen to him.
It was an odd feeling, this wanting to make sure nothing bad happened to his servant (he certainly never had cared one way or the other about any of his other servants), but there was just something so very innocent and refreshing about Merlin that separated him from the others in Arthur’s eyes. There was no doubt that he was aloof, accident-prone, and the boy had a mouth on him that would most assuredly get him in trouble throughout his life with his betters. But he was also one of the most genuine people Arthur had ever met, and he had become a loyal servant, one who had already proven that he’d give his life for that of the king’s son. No one else had ever come close to doing that for Arthur. Well, there had been someone else who had done that very thing, but Arthur didn’t like to think about that one; it hurt too much.
Arthur didn’t know what he would do without Merlin. Part of him thought that life wouldn’t be worth living without him. Perhaps he was being overly dramatic thinking that, but he depended on Merlin for so much, and it didn’t help that Arthur’s feelings for Merlin were slowly morphing into more than mere admiration or thankfulness. It scared Arthur to think how much he cared for his servant. No, it wasn’t love or anything near that, but there were strong feelings there all the same, and Arthur wasn’t at all ready to let go of that which he had been searching for for the last several years.
The thought of losing Merlin was unthinkable.
Gaius spoke and Arthur breathed a little easier. At least someone was speaking up. Not that it would do any good, mind, but Merlin deserved to be defended. Arthur’s fingernails dug into his palms and he felt faint; it was as if everything were happening in slow motion. Merlin, the idiot, had really done it this time, hadn’t he?
“Then arrest him,” his father said.
And it was this which finally spurred Arthur to action. There was no way he was allowing this to happen. He opened his mouth and prayed to whatever gods were listening that he could say something eloquent and convincing enough to get Merlin out of this mess….
Sometime later, in Arthur’s chambers…
“What were you thinking, Merlin?” Arthur shouted as he slammed the door behind them and got in Merlin’s face. “Did you honestly think it a good idea to admit to being the sorcerer?”
“I-I—” Merlin was breathing erratically and his face looked as if it were battling with itself.
“You didn’t think, that much is clear, Merlin. Gods, how could you be so stupid? Do you really want to die that badly?” Arthur knew he needed to tone it down but he was past that point. Whenever he was scared, he lashed out. He always had.
Merlin looked devastated.
Arthur sat down and rested his head in his hands before looking up at Merlin, who was now trembling. “You don’t need to look so scared. I know your secret,” Arthur said exasperatedly as he pointed to his eyes and then Merlin's before making a face as he mouthed the word gold. He watched with a mixture of amusement and sadness as Merlin’s expression became even more closed off. Merlin probably thought he was about to be sent to the stocks again; he had, after all, spent plenty of time there thus far during his brief stay in Camelot. Arthur wished he could muster a grin at the thought, but there was absolutely nothing at all grin-worthy about this situation. “You have nothing to fear from me. I promise,” he added when Merlin continued to look like a wounded puppy who had been taken away from his mother.
Arthur felt as if he’d aged twenty years in the past hour. Damn Merlin and his pretty face, his indefatigable optimism, and his unyielding honour.
Merlin took a deep breath and nodded, but said nothing as his eyes darted between Arthur and the door. He finally opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Several seconds later he shook his head and closed his eyes, but he did manage to mouth the word sorry before he reopened his eyes. He took another deep breath and continued to stare at Arthur.
Arthur found himself mesmerized with the shimmering of Merlin's tear-filled eyes. They were as beautiful as they were disarming. “Just don’t go being the tragic hero again. I know you fancy Gwen, but did you honestly think admitting you were the one who cured her father would get you anywhere with her? Did you forget that the very day you arrived, my father executed another sorcerer?” Arthur had an idea that he would never understand Merlin; this strange, beautiful creature standing before him was a mystery Arthur wished to unravel, and sooner, rather than later would be preferable.
Having had his say, Arthur stood and walked to the window and looked out over Camelot, feeling overwhelmed. Was it too much to ask that he be allowed to keep a servant that he actually liked? Morris, his last servant, had started out promising, but he hadn’t been able to cope with Arthur’s strenuous training schedule. Arthur had complained to his father and, well, once Merlin saved his life, the king had solved that problem easily enough.
Not that Merlin coped any better with the training, but Arthur liked him enough to put up with all the complaining.
“Your father won’t let my admission go, will he? He’s going to come for me. I have condemned myself to death, haven’t I?” Merlin said, interrupting Arthur’s thoughts.
Truth be told, Arthur feared that very thing, but he couldn’t let on about that. He needed to calm Merlin, not add to his fear. “No, I think you’ve more than proven what an idiot you are. My father would never believe you were the sorcerer, or that you are a sorcerer. I don’t think you have anything to worry about, that is unless you make a habit of being stupid. I mean, really, Merlin, what were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that I couldn’t let them execute Gwen for something I did, Sire. She didn’t do anything wrong.”
Arthur nodded, conceding the fact that he was employing someone he didn't deserve. Merlin was far too good to be his servant. “You and Guinevere should get out of Camelot. I can make that happen,” Arthur said, hating each word he spoke. He couldn’t imagine not having Merlin around; the thought was a lonely one, but Guinevere’s life was in mortal peril, and Merlin hadn’t exactly made things for himself any easier. The only solution was for them to leave. It would tear Arthur apart to see him go, but go he must. Arthur had to close his eyes and gather himself. “Just say the word and it is done.”
“I am not going anywhere, Arthur. I am your servant and don’t plan on ever leaving your side. I don’t know how, but I am going to make this right. I promise.”
After reopening his eyes, Arthur thought perhaps he had misheard, but he knew he hadn't. Merlin was self-sacrificing as he had proved, so of course he wouldn't leave. Arthur let out the smallest of smiles. “And being my servant is more important than helping the girl who is accused of sorcery and just happens to be smitten with you?” Arthur asked, thinking Merlin really must be the thickest person in all of Camelot. “I could be wrong, but aren’t the two of you together?” But the look Arthur received gave him an answer, which shocked him. He had been almost certain his servant was courting Morgana’s. How had he misinterpreted the situation so completely? Merlin looked decisively uncomfortable, opening and closing his mouth. “It seems that I have offended you. I haven’t a clue how, but you obviously wish to say something. Out with it,” he said as he crossed his arms and waited, trying to look intimidating rather than overly curious, which he most certainly was. He was rarely wrong; he needed an explanation that would make him feel better.
“No, Sire, you haven’t offended me, it’s just that…” He didn’t finish his thought, but he did look extremely distressed. He looked towards the door, as if he were contemplating leaving, but then he turned back towards Arthur. “I don’t fancy Gwen,” he said as he balled his hands together, looking pained.
Arthur nodded. Okay, so he had been wrong. There was no need for Merlin to look so devastated about that fact, though. “And you look like you just lost your favorite toy dragon because?” He wasn’t exactly helping the situation by sounding facetious, but by now Merlin should know who he was dealing with.
Merlin cleared his throat and turned away from Arthur. “Do you think there is an offense in Camelot that could be worse than being caught doing magic?” After several seconds he turned back around. It was impossible to miss the wetness on his face, and it set off all matter of alarms in Arthur's mind. Merlin was never one to hide his emotions, but there was something Arthur was missing and he knew he needed to find out what it was.
Why would Merlin ask such a thing? Magic was the absolute worst offense in all of Camelot. Merlin had to know that. The only other time Arthur had wondered about worse crimes than magic had been when he had reali— oh. He swallowed and was almost certain Merlin could see the pain on his face as he took a deep breath. He couldn’t be sure until he asked, of course, but he thought he understood what Merlin’s question meant.
When he was fourteen, Arthur had realised that he was attracted to men rather than women. He’d been confused and had gone to his father to ask if he was an abomination for his feelings. His father hadn’t been at all happy and had told his son he would most definitely grow out of his attraction to boys, but he had then pulled Arthur into a hug and told him that there was nothing he could ever do that would make his father not love him, and that he was most definitely not an abomination.
But Arthur didn’t think his father would extend those thoughts to Merlin. It was an unspoken edict in all the lands that males who enjoyed being with other males were crazed and should be executed on the spot, without question.
At least if you were accused of being a sorcerer, you were more often than not asked if you were in fact what you were being accused of being. Not that it mattered, but still. They were at least afforded that one small dignity. Arthur had heard and had even seen instances where a young male who was outed as being one of those abominations was marched into the forest, out of the sight of others, and brutally executed.
Arthur wouldn’t allow that to happen to his servant; he would kill anyone who tried. He swallowed and tried to say something that he had never voiced before, but as Merlin was most assuredly doing the same, Arthur thought he should be brave and join him. "Merlin, I've spent my life being afraid of magic because all I heard growing up was how evil it was, the same way that others have grown up being afraid of those like us because they don't understand. You have shown me that magic can be used for good, and I have no doubt that if people knew the real you they wouldn't care about the fact that you could do magic or who you love." Arthur watched Merlin's face carefully and gave a small smile when Merlin's tense expression eased somewhat and he gave a brief nod. Arthur had worried that perhaps he had once again got the wrong end of the stick.
But the peaceful look morphed into a frown, and Merlin shook his head as he bowed his head. "So not only would your father have me executed for being a Sorcerer, but I would be executed for preferring the company of men." Merlin laughed, but tears followed. He roughly wiped them away. "Seems as though I made a mistake coming to Camelot. As I said earlier, I won't leave; I made a vow and I will not break that, but what good am I to my mother if I end up dead?" Merlin wiped his nose on his sleeve and shrugged his shoulders, more tears falling into his scarf.
Arthur felt his entire body go rigid. The thought of Merlin leaving terrified him for so many reasons. He didn't make friends easily and didn't want to lose the one he had. Merlin had said he wouldn't leave, but why wouldn't he? Why would he remain in Camelot? He would be far better off back in Ealdor with his mother. Arthur knew that and wanted Merlin to be safe, but he also selfishly wanted Merlin to stay with him.
Ever so slowly, he began approaching Merlin. He didn't know why and he thought he should probably stop, but he instead continued on and found himself opening his arms. It was very unlike him and he wondered what had got into him. But he knew the answer to that one. Merlin. Merlin had got to him. It was as simple as that, even if it wasn't at all simple. Arthur let out a shaky breath and again wondered what he was doing. Fortunately he didn’t have to say anything, and within seconds Merlin was hugging him for dear life. Arthur slowly wrapped his arms around Merlin and allowed the hug to warm him.
It was uncomfortable, but Arthur dared not pull away.
When he’d thought there was a possibility of Merlin being sentenced to death for being a sorcerer, Arthur had panicked. And when he’d defended Merlin to his father, yes, by lying, he’d vowed to do whatever it took to keep Merlin safe. And he had meant it. But now, knowing that there was no longer just the one secret Merlin was hiding, Arthur’s resolve to protect Merlin rose to a new level.
Arthur had thought often about the possibility of Merlin coming to him and telling him that he preferred men and that he wanted them to be together, but his dream Merlin had never been on the verge of breaking down because he was afraid.
That broke Arthur. He vowed to hold on forever if that’s what it took to make Merlin feel comfortable. He thought about pulling back to give Merlin some space, but as Merlin was holding on for dear life, and trembling, Arthur whispered in his ear that everything would be okay. He breathed in the sweet scent of Merlin and wondered why he'd said such a thing. He could no more promise that than he could vow that he would one day be king, but he had no doubt that he would do all in his power to try to keep this promise. He'd never cared enough in the past to think about his future, but now he had not only his future to think about, but that of Merlin's.
Finally, when the hug did begin to cross over into awkward territory, Arthur pulled back and wasn’t surprised that he needed to use his thumbs to wipe away tears on his servant’s face, but he was startled to realise he also had tears that were about to fall, and he gasped when Merlin's hand wiped away the tears. A few seconds later, when Merlin ran his fingers down Arthur's face, Arthur couldn't help the grin.
He wanted to again take Merlin in his arms and tell him that he would keep him safe forever, and that everything would most assuredly be fine, but he wisely refrained; there was no need to allow his feelings of protectiveness to completely take over and possibly frighten Merlin by acting nothing like the Arthur Pendragon of old. “You are wise, Merlin, so you know what my father’s answer to your question would be, but you also should know that he can’t condemn you without condemning me, his son. Please know that I will never allow anyone to hurt you. Ever. Both your secrets are safe with me.”