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The young warlock stood knee deep in the water, staring out at the isle of the blessed. Tears stained his pale, drained face. He couldn’t remember how long he had been standing there, he couldn’t seem to feel the cold water that encircled him. He was numb.
Soft footsteps sounded from behind him but he did not turn to see who they came from. The footsteps came to a halt a short distance behind him.
“Merlin” the voice stated his name, and took two more steps forward, now only a few paces away from where the water began.
The black haired boy turned round, and it was only then that what Percival had feared, was confirmed. Merlin turned back towards the water, more tears streaming down his face, he balled his fists up and tried to draw air into his lungs, they burned. He turned back to Percival and attempted to form words but only managed a pained whimper. With another deep breath Merlin closed his eyes, trying to compose himself taking a couple of strides forward, now only ankle deep in the water he stared at the bulky man stood before him, obviously winded from the long journey to find him.
“I couldn’t save him” Merlin’s voice broke as he admitted his failure, his knees gave out from beneath him and he sank to the floor, the water lapping around him. Percival stared at the boy before him, broken. On his knees in the muddy shallows of the lake, his hands clawing at the earth beneath him, as his sobs echoed through the clearing. “I failed” he whispered, staring at the lake beneath him.
“Merlin… if the king was mortally wounded then there was nothing any of us could have done, do not take the blame upon yourself” Percival could feel the sorrow emitting from the young man in front of him.
“You don’t understand” Merlin got up to his feet, and stared Percival in the eyes “I was meant to keep him safe” his knuckles whitened as he clenched his fists.
“I know you Merlin, I know you would have done everything you could” Percival offered a half smile.
“It wasn’t enough!” Merlin shouted as his eyes flashed gold and a sudden round of thunder clapped overhead.
Percival stood firm, unsure of whether what he’d seen had been a trick of the light. “Merlin…”
“I’m the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth and it still wasn’t enough!” Merlin screamed as his eyes once again flashed gold and lightning struck the clearing.
Percival staggered back, staring at the person before him. The boy with black hair and blue eyes, a somewhat gangly looking boy but a strong one none the less. His clothes were drenched, his face shone with the tears he had shed. His chest rose and fell at a rapid rate, as though he had been running. This serving boy. His friend.
“Ok Merlin” Percival edged forward, his right hand rested on the hilt of his sword.
“Don’t!” Merlin’s eyes snapped up to glare at him, then followed down to where Percival’s right hand lay, Merlin’s breath caught in his throat, Percival thought he meant him harm… Merlin’s facial expression softened somewhat “I won’t harm you” he reassured the knight “I know that what you have seen of magic is evil but it is not always so” his eyes met Percival’s, and they were pleading. And in that moment, all Percival could see was a broken man, a damaged toy that so desperately wanted to be fixed.
“You are the one who killed Morgana?” Percival raised his eyebrows.
“Arthur actually…” but Percival cut him off before he could continue.
“Can’t wield magic” the knight stated. It must have been Merlin, for only magic could defeat a high priestess, and Arthur certainly didn’t possess such gifts. There always had been something unusual about Merlin, and now he knew what it was.
Merlin stared at the ground, clearly uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken.
“You’ve revealed yourself now Merlin, so why do you continue to try and deceive me?”
Merlin continued to stare at the ground, watching the water washing up against the shore. “You already think of magic as evil, I will play no part in furthering your hatred” he murmured as he trudged out of the shallows. He turned to stare back at the isle of the blessed, where Arthur would now rest.
Percival held his breath, trying to find the words to make Merlin talk. “So you did kill Morgana then” he eventually said.
“She had to die” Merlin responded flatly, he had sat on the ground and was staring out at the lake. “It’s my fault she became corrupted” all emotion had left is voice, and the resulting tone sent shivers down Percival’s spine.
“So you are the cause of all the evil that befell Camelot?” Percival tried to contain the anger rising in him, but found his voice wavering.
“Think of me what you will, I no longer care” Merlin’s retort made the knights blood boil. But the boy was his friend, and he could not, would not, harm him.
“I will be returning to Camelot in the morning” he said gruffly, looking for a response from Merlin. There was none.
Percival sat down beside Merlin, albeit some few feet away. Despite his brawn the knight somewhat feared this black haired boy, anyone capable of killing Morgana was someone to keep at a safe distance.
After many minutes had passed Merlin looked at Percival “I won’t be returning to Camelot”
“Why?”
“How can I?” the warlock wrung his hands tightly “how can I ever show my face there again, knowing that I failed everyone?” he looked back out over the lake. “How can I ever look at Gwen again? Knowing that I didn’t bring her husband home safely? At Gaius? When he had faith in me when no one else did and I let him down” he now stared at the floor, a single tear ran down his cheek.
“Gaius would never see it as failure” Percival reminded him.
“I’m not coming with you” the warlock restated.
“Merlin…” Percival began but with one sharp look from the warlock he stopped.
Merlin turned to face the lake again. “I won’t leave him Percival”.
“He’s dead, Merlin” the coldness in Percival’s voice stung Merlin.
“Arthur is the once and future King, and when Albion needs him most he will return once more” Merlin nodded to himself, as if he was trying to convince himself it were true.
“If you say so” Percival lied down.
“I’ll stay here and watch over him” Merlin looked over his shoulder at the knight “I swore I would protect him or die at his side” the warlock remembered the conversation between him and Arthur, and his heart ached as it hit him once more that he had been unsuccessful. “Since I failed to protect him, I will keep the latter half of my promise and die at his side”.
Percival stared at the man beside him in fascination, sometimes the words that left Merlin’s mouth didn’t completely seem his own. It was almost as if he spoke with a wisdom beyond his years. The boy looked so young, yet had such a sense of duty. A sense of duty that went beyond that of a servant. Perhaps beyond that of even a friend.
“He was lucky to have you as a friend Merlin” Percival sat upright again, and upon meeting the warlocks gaze, gave a smile. “We all are”
Merlin didn’t smile. He could have sworn he was numb had it not been for the ever constant waves of guilt that wracked his mind and body.
“Some friend. I let him die”
Percival sighed. The weight of todays events were heavy on his mind. The loss of so many men, of Gwaine. Of Arthur.
“Merlin, I need to tell you something” the knight prepared himself for whatever reaction the news would produce.
The boy stared intently at him “Yes…”
“Gwaine…” the breath hitched in Merlin’s throat, no not someone else. Please not another death. Please not Gwaine of all people. “Morgana captured him, tortured him” Percival trailed off. “He tried so hard” he shook his head.
Merlin let out a shaky breath. Percival looked at him, expecting some sort of outburst. Nothing.
Percival carried on “he too thought he had failed, but he failed no more than you. He tried. You can’t do anything beyond that” he finished. “Merlin?”
The young sorcerer turned his head and Percival noted that his normally sparkling blue eyes were dull and almost dead looking. “Make sure he has a hero’s funeral” he murmured “please” he looked at the knight sat next to him who nodded. Merlin ran his hands through his already ruffled hair “please tell Gwen I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough but it’s all I can give” Merlin rested his head in his hands.
Percival nodded, “I will”.
Merlin stood, his breath steady. His lungs burned and his muscles ached as he started to make his way towards the woods that bordered the clearing. But none of that mattered compared to the grief that tried to smother him. He feared if he stayed still for much longer that he may drown.
“Where are you going?” Percival stood as Merlin stopped to look back at him.
“Not far” Merlin replied before turning back towards the woods.
“Will I see you again?”
“No” Merlin said, facing towards the forest. He turned towards Percival briefly “don’t send anyone out here to search for me” their eyes met “they won’t find me”.
“But what if we need to find you?”
“I don’t want to be found” Merlin looked away from Percival’s gaze, and with that, retreated into the forest.