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Jax was a teenage boy, and teenage boys had needs, temporal zone or not.
Additionally, he had found that Gideon’s porn library was all porn from the future. And honestly, it didn’t make any sense.
So the last time they had stopped in 2017, Jax had run off for a few minutes just to buy a few tapes, and the next time he has a spare minute he puts Superdick (complete with a knockoff Superman logo on the cover) into the futuristic DVD played Gideon has created for him.
As soon as it starts, he groans. There’s plot. He’s about to roll his eyes, until he’s drawn to a familiar face on the screen. No, that’s impossible, there is literally no fucking way he just saw his teammate on that screen.
Then the man in the Superman costume turns around and it’s unmistakable. That’s Ray Palmer, standing in the middle of the screen, telling someone dressed like, well they’re in business clothes so really it could be either Lois Lane or Lex Luthor, what exactly he’s going to do to them.
He chokes trying to breath.
Ray Palmer, the Atom, the Boy Scout with the perfect haircut, one of his best friends if he was being entirely honest.
Ray Palmer did porn.
Apparently, he was so shocked that the block he put up when he didn’t want Gray to hear his thoughts went down because a few seconds later he heard the man’s voice in his head. I don’t care how you know, said Stein, but if you ever make me think about that again, I’ll kill myself and bring you with me.
Jax resolved to throw out the disc and never think about this again.
+
Jax’s mom used to sometimes get him to forget about something by telling him to not think about elephants. Then you can only think about elephants, and the other thing was completely out of your head. This was a similar situation, and Ray starring in Superdick was his elephant. Not even thinking about actual elephants could distract him, and he had to share this inner turmoil with someone else.
Jax would like it to be noted that he thought long and hard about who to push this burden on, but in reality he did not. There was an obvious choice for being the most well equipped to handle this kind of news, and she had pissed him off last week by breaking Gideon’s speech capacitor, causing the AI to speak in French.
Which is how Sara Lance ended up in his room, laughing her head off.
“Porn?” she asked incredulously. “That Boy Scout? No way in hell.”
“But I saw it!” Jax protested. “It was definitely him!”
Sara snorted. “Are you sure it was him, Jax? Cause it seems like you watched thirty seconds and just assumed. Maybe you wanted to see Ray in your porn. I would start avoiding Mick if that’s the case.”
Jax sighed. He hadn’t had the film on for very long, had he? Maybe he had been mistaken. “It’s possible,” Jax conceded, “but I don’t know. It just looked so much like him Sara.”
She smiled, taking pity on him. “Okay, look,” she started, “if it’ll give you some piece of mind, we’ll look it up or something, okay?” Jax nodded, giving her the disc case so she had all the information she needed to search for information. It only took a few minutes at a computer before her eyes went wide. “Holy shit!” she screeched.
Jax all but dashed over to her and read over her shoulder. It was staring hi in the face, plain as day: Superdick starring Ray Palmer as Superman. “I knew it,” he breathed, “I didn’t want to be right, but I knew I was.”
Sara took a large breath, and tentatively clicked the link corresponding to his name. Jax’s mouth fell open. Ray had not done just Superdick but upwards of thirty pornographic films. “How,” said Sara, more of a statement than a question, “how could we not have known.”
Jax felt his stomach about to explode. “We never speak of this again, okay? I don’t want Mick to kill me.”
+
Sara and Jax’s pact to never talk about Ray and his past was broken not three days later. They had to touch down in Starling City for help that only someone called “Ghost Fox Goddess” could provide. They found out their mark was Felicity, and Sara found her nickname hilarious, even thought Felicity insisted she had made it in college.
Missions completed, the team spent a few more hours in 2017 before getting back on the ship. He was lying down in bed, ready to open a good book, when he heard a desperate knock on the door. “Come in!”
The doors parted, and Sara dragged a shuffling and forlorn Nate behind her. “What’s this about?” asked Jax.
Nate shook his head, looking like he had seen a ghost. Sara slapped him. “Tell him, Nate,” she said, “tell him.”
Nate looked up and sighed. “After the mission, Nate and I went to a coffee shop, you know, just to relax.” Jax nodded, not understanding why Nate looked so distressed. “Some guy came up to us, and asked for Ray’s autograph. Knew his name and everything. I think Ray assumed he was a tech fan or something, so he smiled and signed the guy’s napkin.”
“Yeah, so?” Jax asked, mildly confused.
“Then I remembered,” continued Nate, “Ray is still legally dead. So why was this guy so nonchalant, right? So I asked him how he knew Ray, and,” Nate trailed off, looking around the room desperately.
“It’s okay bud,” Sara said, patting him reassuringly on the back, “You’re a big boy, and you can finish your sentences.”
Nate took a deep breath. “He said ‘How can you not know him? That’s Ray Palmer, the porn star.’” Jax’s mouth fell open. Not only did Ray do porn, but he did enough of it that he had a fanbase? This was too much.
He pointed at Sara. “Promise revoked,” he said, “We’re figuring this shit out.”
+
The next time Ray announced he was going to the cargo bay to work on the ATOM suit, Jax had rounded up. They were all fidgeting curious as to why they were there, until Sara yelled at them to shut up.
“Okay,” Jax began, “we’re here today to discuss a very important fact about one of our teammates.”
“Then why isn’t Dr. Palmer here?” asked Stein.
Nate looked at Jax with pleading eyes, begging him not to go on. Jax took a deep breath and continued. “This is about Ray. Ray does, well did porn.”
The room was silent for a minute before erupting in noise. Everyone was saying something, and Jax could hardly keep track. The chatter ended when Stein stood up and pointed an accusing finger at him. “I refuse to be a part of this any longer,” he said, before storming out of the room.
Nate sighed. “So now that we’re all aware of this,” he said, “what are we supposed to do?”
“I mean, there’s only one thing we can do, right?” asked Amaya. When everyone looked at her confused, she continued. “We have to watch it.” She suddenly turned to Mick. “If you don’t mind, of course.”
Mick shrugged. “Eh,” he said, “Kinda makes sense, in a weird way, ya know.”
“What exactly do you mean by that Mr. Rory?” asked Rip, through gritted teeth.
“I mean,” said Mick, smiling wickedly, “Some of the things Haircut does… don’t exactly match up with his ‘goody two shoes’ personality. If you catch my drift.”
Rip turned red and stood up. He left the room muttering “I can’t condone this behavior,” over and over again.
After they all watched him leave, Amaya piped up again. “So,” she said cheerily, “who’s gonna pop it in?”
+
Fifteen minutes later, they were as deep into by Superdick as Lex Luthor (because that’s who it was, Jax thought) was in Superman’s ass. Mick had given a five-minute speech that if anyone tried to make a move on Haircut because of this, he would kill them.
They had been confused, but quickly had learned why Mick was as adamant about this as he was. Assuming there was no editing done postproduction, Ray had an enourmous dick. Big enough that someone who was not attracted to him might be immediately gunning to jump his bones after seeing it.
“Superman… you’re my Kryptonite,” moaned fake-Lex-Luthor from the screen.
“What are you guys doing?”
Jax’s eyes widened. That was Ray’s voice, and they had to get him out of there. “You should probably leave, Ray,” he heard Amaya say from beside him, never turning her ees from the screen.
It was probably already too late, as he felt Ray lean over the couch to see what they were watching. “Really, buddy, leave now,” Nate said from the other side of the couch.
“Hey, is that me? That is me! Oh my god, what am I doing?”
Sara snorted. “Not a big deal, Ray-Ray, we know you did porn. Doesn’t mean we love you any less. Probably means Mick loves you more.”
Mick huffed in agreement. “Hear, hear.”
“But I’ve never done porn,” Ray argued.
“Dude,” said Nate, unable to tear his eyes away from the screen, “We don’t care. Look, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.”
“No. Guys,” said Ray, sounding frustrated, “I’ve never done porn. Or at least not that I can remember.”
That got people to turn away from the screen. “Ray,” said Sara, trying to sound gentle, “You’ve done over thirty films, and you’re telling us that you don’t remember doing them?”
Mick growled. “Haircut,” he said, slowly but with fire behind his words, “Do you think someone made you do them?”
Ray shook his head. “No, no, nothing like that…” he trailed off as he got distracted by something on the screen. “That’s not me,” he said affirmatively.
“Ray,” Amaya said, “Your name is in the credits, this man is the spitting image of you, it’s clearly you.”
Ray started to look angry, brushing Amaya off with a shake of his hand. “No,” he repeated, making a grab for the remote, “not me. There!” he yelled as he paused the film, “Look at that.” He pointed at the screen, gesturing at the half moon tattoo on his lower back. “Mick?”
Mick looked confused. “But… you don’t have any tattoos.”
“Exactly!” Ray shouted, having proven that it wasn’t him. “It’s not me!”
“Well if it’s not you,” Jaxasked, more confused then ever, “who is it?”
Ray shot Mick a pointed look, and Mick groaned. “Sydney?” he asked.
“Sydney,” Ray confirmed, nodding grimly.
“Who the fuck is Sydney?” asked Nate.
“The evil twin, right?” asked Jax, having faint memories of a previous conversation.
“Yup,” said Ray, looking forlorn. “I think we need to visit 2017.”
+
Ray had been furiously knocking on his brother’s apartment door for the past few minutes. “Ray,” Sara began, “is it possible he’s not here?” Sara, Mick, and Jax had accompanied him, Sara and Jax to meet the man who had done porn under his dead brother’s name, and Mick to beat him up for it.
“No,” said Ray, starting to pound on the door more heavily than before, “he’s here. Sydney! Open up!”
The door finally creaked open, and Sara and Jax’s mouths fell open. The spitting image of Ray was looking at them, dressed in nothing but a short, white robe. “Oh,” said not-Ray, nonplussed, “you’re alive.”
“Hi Ray, I’m so glad you’re alive Ray, I missed you Ray,” said actual-Ray, “all of the before are appropriate greetings. Why the fuck are you doing porn and saying you’re me?”
“Oh,” said not-Ray, Sydney, Jax had to remind himself, that was Sydney, “you found out about that? In my defense, I thought you were dead.”
“Sydney,” Ray growled, unamused, “You are besmirching my legacy. I had a company, they named a whole city in my honor, and now the first thing that comes up when you search my name is a porn parody of The Martian.”
“Ah, yes,” said Sydney, smiling fondly, “I remember that one. Remind me why you’re back from the dead, brother? I’m kind of in the middle of something here.”
“Palmer, get back here! Your supersuit is ready!”
Jax’s eyes widened even more when he realized the implication, as Sara slipped past him into the apartment. Sydney shrugged and smiled innocently. “Superdick Two,” he said, “the first one was a big success.”
“I came here to ask you to stop doing porn under my name, Sydney,” said Ray, seeming a little exasperated.
“Hm,” said Sydney, prteneding to think about it, “give up a job that makes me a fuckton of money without any of the societal stigma attatched to my name? I’m gonna go with no.”
“Please?”
“Still no, brother dearest. But hey, if you want to get in on the action, your team is pretty attractive,” said Sydney, “and twin stuff is always popular.”
“No.” growled Mick, stepping in front of Ray protectively. “Give it up.”
“Are you Heatwave?” asked Sydney, a little bit of amazement showing in his eyes?”
“No,” Jax said, finally finding the ability to use his vocal chords, “definitely not Heatwave.”
“This is Mick Rory, my boyfriend,” said Ray, “I was going to bring him to Seder, but I guess you’re meeting him early.”
Sydney whipped out a phone from behind him and began typing. “Where,” began Jax, astounded, “where were you keeping that?”
“You don’t want to know, kid,” said Sydney, taking a moment to wink at him before continuing his typing. “Mick Rory, also known as Heatwave.”
Ray sighed. “Please just stop making porn under my name, Sydney.”
Sara slipped out of the apartment, seeming pleased with herself. “Alright team,” she said, standing next to Sydney, “we’re good to go. It was nice meeting the evil twin,” she said, giving Sydney a small pat on the ass. “Let’s roll out.”
+
When they got back to the Waverider, Ray headed straight for the console. “Gideon, did we make any changes to the timeline by talking to Sydney? Does he stop doing porn?”
“Dr. Palmer, Mr. Palmer does not stop performing in adult films under your name for a while,” said Gideon, matter of factly, “but his biggest success has changed. Whereas it was previously Superdick 3: Batman Returns, it is now Small Fires, which appears to be a pornographic parody of your relationship with Mr. Rory.”
Ray groaned and immediately began banging his head against the console. Mick started laughing, and Jax couldn’t help joining in with him. Sara finally interrupted with an “Oh, wait!” before sending a text. “What about now, Gideon?”
“Mr. Palmer still continues to make films for another two years, but stops much sooner than the previous timeline do to an argument over his contract, asserting that the studio wasn’t paying for him.”
Ray lifted his head, suddenly confused. “Wait, what?”
Sara waved her phone, smiling gleefully. “Talked with the director, said I was Sydney’s manager, and renegotiated his contract. All the money he makes off his movies? Yours now. Enjoy.”
Ray smiled weakly, before falling back into the nearest chair. “This day has been exhausting,” he said, “I could lie down, like, forever.”
“And I can think of a lot of thing I could do while you were lying down foever,” said Mick, smirking as Ray turned red. “For example-“
“On your own time!” yelled Jax, happy that he was finally going to be able to forget about this whole thing.