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Lance is happy that Shiro’s back. He really, truly is. He’s happy to have his idol back, he’s happy Keith’s got his brother back, he’s happy the rest of the team’s got their original leader back. He’s happy that with Shiro back, Keith won’t have to struggle with being the leader anymore. Lance won’t have to talk him out of any impulsive actions, Lance won’t have to reassure him that he’s capable of being their leader. But more importantly, Lance won’t have to see Keith, his rival—no, his friend —break down when things go wrong and he places the blame on himself.
So yeah, Lance is happy, for all the reasons listed above. But it’s short lived. It’s a momentary happiness that’s gone the moment Lance realizes what Shiro’s return means for him , personally. The implications of it. With Shiro back, there’s one too many paladins aboard the ship. Shiro’s the natural leader, giving guidance effortlessly, Keith’s their stand-in Leader, but also one of their better pilots, Pidge is the smart, tech wiz, Hunk’s resourceful and just as smart as Pidge, and Allura’s a natural, having made most progress out of everyone else on the team.
And then there’s Lance. If every other paladin on the team is irreplaceable, Lance is the most replaceable one. It would be obvious to any outsider, if they were to take one look at the team. They’d suggest getting rid of Lance, and Lance wouldn’t blame them. Sure, he’s a good shot, but how does that help in the grand scheme of things? It’s not like he’s always going to get a chance at long-range combat. More often than not, their encounters with the Galra have been close-ranged. And he’s got nothing else going for him.
So, it’s a problem. It’s something the rest of the team hasn’t caught on to yet, still blinded by the happiness of Shiro’s return. So the least Lance can do is nip the problem right in the bud, before the rest of the team even has a chance to realize there is a problem to begin with. He wants to make this easy on the others, and if that means having to step down, then so be it. The last thing he wants to do is have someone else, who’s probably worth much more than him, step down. Losing any of the other paladins would only serve to hurt the mission. This is the best option. There will be minimal losses sustained if Lance were to back down. It all makes perfect sense in his head.
So, mind made up, Lance decides to bring this up with Keith. He tries not to think about why it’s Keith he’s choosing to approach, when Shiro would clearly be taking over as leader. Maybe because it’s not official yet, Lance reasons. Maybe it’s because for now, Keith is still the leader, and Lance respects that. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because, whether he’d like to admit it or not, Lance feels closer to Keith, trusts Keith in a way he probably didn’t trust his previous leader. It also helps that Keith never really brushed him off while he was the leader. Lance’s opinions held value. So maybe Keith will listen to Lance’s reasoning now, and agree with him.
He tries not to think about how much he doesn’t want Keith to agree with him, though. His mind’s a mess of contradictions that he’d rather not focus on.
Giving himself another moment to psych himself up, and reorganize his thoughts, Lance makes his way to Keith’s room. It’s awfully convenient that Keith’s room happens to be right beside his, which means Lance doesn’t have enough time to talk himself out of anything before he’s standing in front of the door, banging his fist on it a few times.
He hears Keith’s voice from the other side and allows himself a tiny smile before the door slides open. He only has a moment to notice Keith’s look of surprise before he’s striding in, not exactly waiting for Keith to invite him inside. He just wants to get this over with, and he’d rather do it within the privacy of the room, thank you very much.
“Lance?” Keith’s gaze is questioning as he crosses his arms across his chest.
Lance takes a deep breath. He knows he has to speak now. He’s got Keith’s attention now. So, Lance just goes for it. Relays to Keith everything he’d already been thinking about. The realization he’d come to in his mind. It hurts, when Keith agrees with his reasoning, but it’s also what he’d expected. It’s what he’d wanted, didn’t he? No, a small part of him says. You wanted something else. Lance decides to ignore that part.
“So, I think the best thing for me to do for the team would be to step aside,” Lance finishes, looking at Keith carefully.
Keith just frowns in confusion, not quite comprehending what Lance is trying to say. “What are you talking about, Lance?”
Lance sighs. Of course it wasn’t going to be as easy as that. Of course Keith would need more of an explanation, thus pushing Lance to admit things he wishes he didn’t have to, things he’s ashamed of. “Look,” he says, trying to be rational about this entire situation, “This is war. You need your best soldiers out on the front lines, and I’m not — I’m not one of them.”
Keith still doesn’t look like he gets it. Instead, he puts on his leader face, something Lance knows he’s probably picked up from watching Shiro, and says, “Look, just focus on your missions, alright? Things will work themselves out.”
Lance’s heart sinks. It’s not necessarily a dismissal, considering Keith’s implying that he still wants Lance on their missions, but it feels like a cop out. It doesn’t feel like it’s a solution to a very real problem Lance just brought up. Does Keith not realize the gravity of the situation? Does Lance need to spell it out to Keith? Did Keith even listen to anything Lance just said? Did he understand what Lance meant? Lance looks at Keith’s face and sees the sincerity on his face. He sighs internally. He can either continue proving his point to Keith, or he can just accept this. Besides, Lance should be relieved, shouldn’t he? Keith failing to agree with Lance, that it’d be best for Lance to step down, only proves that Keith thinks Lance belongs on the frontlines, right? But he didn’t say that, Lance realizes. It occurs to him that, more than anything, Lance wanted to hear Keith tell him that he needs him on the team, that he brings something to the team.
“Okay, thanks,” Lance says dejectedly, turning to leave. This was such a stupid idea. Why did Lance think Keith could give him what he needed? Keith’s bad with words, and Lance, of all people, should’ve known that. This was so, so stupid—
“And Lance?”
Lance halts in his tracks, the door open. He glances at Keith over his shoulder.
Keith’s smiling genuinely at Lance, and saying, “Leave the math to Pidge,” and yeah. Lance is right, this was a mistake. If he’d needed validation, Keith should’ve been the last person he should’ve been seeking out. And yet, seeing Keith smile like that at him, thinking his not-quite-compliment is a good pep talk, a good closing out, Lance can’t help but smile. Keith is bad at this, but he’s also trying . There’s no malice here, no ill-intent, just one teammate trying to cheer the other up.
Even if he’s not doing a very good job at it.
Lance steps into the hallway and waits for the door to slide shut behind him. Then, he just remains standing there, right outside Keith’s room, head resting against the door. He replays the entire exchange with Keith, and how terribly it actually went, considering he accomplished absolutely nothing, but the smile refuses to leave his face. He feels a weird fluttering in his stomach, and for a few moments, the weight of his insecurities do not feel as crushing when he thinks of Keith’s smile, and the way he genuinely believed he was cheering Lance up. “Leave the math to Pidge?” He laughs softly to himself, shaking his head, “You’ve sure got a way with words, Team Leader.”
Lance knows his insecurities aren’t gone, and maybe in a few hours, he’s gonna be back to mulling them over in his head, but maybe, just maybe he can give Keith this one.
Maybe he can pretend to believe things really will work themselves out, let it comfort him, if only for a few hours.
-x-
The next morning, Lance’s anxieties and insecurities are back with a vengeance. They’re all on the control deck, discussing what their mission’s going to be. Lance knows Shiro’s going to be piloting Black now, it’s a given. Shiro looks like he wants to be in Black again, and Lance knows Keith wouldn’t take that away from Shiro.
And Lance also knows Keith is the type of guy who will want to be out there on the field, which means he’s going to ask Lance for Red, and that means either Lance is going to have to ask Allura for Blue — which he really doesn’t want to have to do — or he’s going to have to stay behind. Which, once again, he really doesn’t want to do, but has to.
Lance now regrets his failed conversation with Keith last night. He wishes they’d come to an agreement last night itself, between the two of them, just to save everyone else any degree of embarrassment. Just to save Lance the embarrassment. Lance could’ve stayed behind while still maintaining his dignity if he’d already planned this with Keith, and come up with a suitable excuse.
But now, without them coming up with anything, Keith’s going to ask Lance to stay behind in front of the entire team, and the entire team’s going to see how pathetic Lance really is and fuck, he shouldn’t have let himself rely on a false sense of security last night, and shit, Keith’s doing it. He’s offering Shiro the Black Lion, which means any moment now he’s going to turn to Lance and ask him to hand over Red to him and shit, Lance doesn’t know how to handle this and—
“I’ll stay behind with Coran and provide support from the castle,” Keith says instead, not once looking at Lance. He’s still looking firmly at Shiro.
Shiro looks unsure, but then nods. And just like that, it’s done. Everyone heads for their hangars but Lance just stands there, staring at Keith blankly. Keith isn’t looking at him, instead saying something to Coran. And then Coran leaves, presumably to do what Keith asked him to, and it’s just Keith and Lance. Keith finally turns around and looks at Lance, who still just stands there, unmoving. Keith raises his eyebrows at Lance. “Why are you still here?”
Lance, for once, has no answer. There’s a million questions going through his head, and he wants to ask Keith every single one of them, and he’s about to, but then Keith cuts him off. “Lance, go. Now.”
And Lance nods, turns around and heads straight for Red’s hangar, while Keith stays exactly where he is, on the Castleship’s control deck.
-x-
The mission may have not necessarily gone the way they wanted, but none of them are dead, and Lance counts it as a win. However, the mission itself isn’t what’s on his mind when Lance makes his way out of the hangar and towards the main control deck, waiting for Keith to come out of Black’s hangar. There’s a lot Lance needs to say to Keith, and needs Keith to hear, and there’s a lot of questions Lance needs answered by Keith.
As soon as Keith makes his way to the control deck, Lance strides over to him, paying no attention to the rest of the team as he says, “Can we talk? In Private?”
Keith looks startled for a moment, but then nods. The two make their way out of the control deck, leaving behind a bunch of very confused teammates. Once they’re in the hallway, safely away from prying eyes and ears, Lance comes to a halt. Keith follows his lead and stops beside him, turning to face him. There’s a confused frown on his face as he waits for Lance to say what he has to.
“Why did you do that?” Lance blurts out, and it ends up sounding way more accusing than he’d intended. Oh well, can’t take it back.
Keith just stares at him blankly. “What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about, Keith!” Lance snaps, crossing his arms across his chest.
Keith’s frown deepens. “No, I really don’t?”
Lance growls in frustration, throwing his arms to the side. “You let Shiro pilot Black, but you didn’t ask me to give up Red! Why?”
Understanding dawns on Keith’s face. He averts his gaze from Lance’s piercing one as he mumbles, “Oh, that. I was just doing what was best for the team.”
“No, you weren’t,” Lance points out, taking a step closer to Keith. “If you were doing what was best for the team, you’d have asked me for Red. The Keith I know would not be content with being kept out of the action. So, what gives?”
“It’s not like I wasn’t on the field, though. Shiro didn’t exactly pilot Black. I did,” Keith says, shrugging. “So I don’t see why you’re so hung up on this.”
“But you didn’t know that Shiro would get rejected by Black,” Lance insists. He doesn’t know why he’s pushing the matter. All he knows is that he needs to understand Keith’s reasoning. “Was this...was this a pity thing?”
Keith stares at Lance in disbelief. “You honestly think I’d risk the success of a mission because I pity you?”
And, well. Fair point. Lance has no comeback for it.
Keith sighs, crossing his arms across his chest. “Look, Lance, I don’t really know what you want me to say. I did what was best for the team, and things worked themselves out.” He smiles, a soft, teasing smile. “Just like I said they would.”
Lance stares at him for a moment before finally relenting, realizing this is all he’s going to get from his stubborn teammate. He gives a half smile, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, guess you did.”
Keith grins further. “What’s that? You’re actually agreeing with me?”
Lance knows what Keith’s doing. It’s similar to what he’d tried to do the other night. Teasing Lance in order to maybe try and get him to smile. Well, Lance can play along this time. He mirrors Keith’s pose, crossing his arms across his chest, and cocking his hip to the side. “Well, don’t get used to it. You and I both know I’m not above calling you out when you’re wrong,” He says almost arrogantly.
“Yeah, I know,” Keith agrees, his smile taking on a softer edge. Whatever Lance expected Keith to say, it definitely wasn’t that. He expected Keith to deny it, even. And yet, here Keith is, agreeing with Lance. That’s...something.
Before Lance can even respond, however, Keith cuts him off with a quick, “I should go see if anyone else needs me,” and then he’s turning around and walking away.
Lance just stares after him for a moment before a slow smile spreads across his face, and he heads the opposite way, in the direction of his room.