Work Text:
Peter stared at the bill in front of him in exasperation. This was the third time and he was absolutely not going to stand for this anymore. Miss Nadine Williams might be an acclaimed actress but she wasn’t going to keep charging his employer anymore or he, Peter would know the reason why.
Pulling a sheet of paper towards him he started composing the following epistle
8th February 1814
Dear Madame Montressor
I am in receipt of a bill for a gown amounting to 60 guineas sent from your establishment on behalf of a Miss Nadine Williams. I must inform you that the arrangement between Lord Stark and Miss Williams was terminated about three years ago and therefore we are not responsible for clearing any bills Miss Williams currently or in future draws up. I therefore am returning this bill to you with the suggestion that you forward it to Miss Williams or whoever is responsible at the moment for paying her dues. You have my permission to show this letter to Miss Williams if you need further proof to convince her of the new state of affairs.
Sincerely
Peter Parker, Secretary to Lord Anthony E Stark, Viscount Malham
******************************************************************
9th February, 1814
Dear Mr Parker
I am well aware that Lord Stark isn’t currently fucking Miss Williams. However Miss Williams seems to think that that isn’t relevant when it comes to paying her bills. Her point, from what I can make out, is that he ought to be fucking her.
To make things clear Mr Parker- Miss Williams isn’t going to be paying that bill. And I’m not going to turn away a much needed customer. Therefore I’m returning that bill to you with one of my employees ,Mr Wilson. You may give him the money.
If Lord Stark wishes to get rid of his ex-mistress, he will have to do so himself without dragging my little shop into this dispute. I am afraid I am the farthest thing from a beef witted female and therefore the last person to try your tricks on.
Sincerely
Madame Montressor/Michelle Jones
******************************************************************
11th February, 1814
Dear Miss Jones
Passing over your extraordinarily vulgar language I would like to inform you that what I found even more insulting was your insinuation that we were attempting to chouse you out of your money. Let me assure you that I have no such intention and my only interest lies in protecting my employer’s interests.
I would also like to inform you that the end of the affair arrangement was made clear to Miss Williams in explicit terms along with a very generous settlement. That you are arraying yourself with this unscrupulous female is disheartening.
I am returning the bill to you with the very questionable individual that you sent. While I sympathise with you, this is a matter of principle and Miss Williams’s bills will certainly not be paid from the Stark account anymore
Sincerely
Peter Parker
******************************************************************
12th February, 1814
Mr Parker
It looks like someone got a little upset with plain speaking. I hope that during our-what promises to be long-correspondence I can cure you of that.
I have no doubt that you are a very earnest , bespectacled young man anxious to do his best for the Lord who he so faithfully serves and who occasionally throws him a nice little bone. I on the other hand, am a young businesswoman who needs to look after three other souls including the ‘questionable individual’ that you saw. For your information, his name is Mr Wade Wilson and he is only partially insane so I take offence to your comments regarding him.
Let me assure you I am not arraying myself with anyone. Here is the only point in this entire matter that I am concerned about-I Want My Money.
Either convince Miss Williams to pay her own bills or pay the damn thing yourself.
Sincerely
Michelle Jones
P.S- Wade asked me to inform you that you have a very nice arse
******************************************************************
13th February, 1814
Miss Jones
- I do not wear spectacles
- Your assumptions are insulting. I am deeply grateful to Lord Stark for what he has done for me but that is entirely due to Lord Stark’s own treatment of me and not due to any natural subservience on my part. You have no business making those claims.
- We Won’t Pay It
I believe that is the end of our correspondence Miss Jones. Good Bye and Thank You
Sincerely
Peter Parker
P.S- While partially insane may qualify as normal for you it does not for me. Mr Wilson has a disconcerting habit of staring at my rear and calling me Spidey which quite frankly makes me uncomfortable.
******************************************************************
15th February, 1814
Dear Mr Parker
Oh no, you aren’t getting away that easily. In response to your letter I took the liberty of informing Miss Williams of your refusal and since she flatly refuses to pay, I may have suggested that the matter would be better resolved if she talked this over with Lord Stark. It pains me to inform you of this but she expressed an almost startling eagerness to do so. She even wished to bring Lady Stark into the matter.
No spectacles? You just shattered my perceptions of secretaries everywhere. And as for my insulting assumptions, as a daughter of a gentleman forced to make her way in the world as the proprietess of a struggling dress shop, I have had extensive experience of the beau monde and they have all impressed me as wholly unpleasant individuals. If your Lord Stark doesn’t conform to the norm, I congratulate you.
All this talk about your arse is filling me with a burning curiosity to see the real thing
Sincerely
Michelle Jones
******************************************************************
16th February, 1814
Miss Jones
Blackmail is punishable under law. Forgive me for pointing out that your background and admittedly sad circumstances is no excuse for indulging in criminal and shameless behaviour. You have no legal leg to stand on and any efforts at intimidation will be met with strong consequences.
I would also like to inform you that my rear is none of your concern. Kindly stop sending Mr Wilson with your letters-he nearly scared our housekeeper to death.
Sincerely
Peter Parker
******************************************************************
17th February, 1814
Blackmail is when one person threatens another for monetary benefit. I fail to see how urging Lord Stark’s ex-mistress to thrash matters out with him is blackmail. If he didn’t want all this drama, perhaps he shouldn’t have fucked her.
And forgive me for pointing out that I neither want nor need your insulting pity. I want my money. And I am not willing to be cheated out of it because of the ridiculous games you people play.
I am getting my money Mr Parker. While I may not have a legal case I do know how to make someone’s life miserable. For instance Wade will be extensively and loudly observing your arse everytime you step out into London’s streets. He also has my permission to similarly comment on any other part of your anatomy including the organ between your legs.
This Is War
Sincerely
Michelle Jones
******************************************************************
19th February, 1814
Let me assure you madam that however many times your ….person- pelts me with roast chestnuts and attempts to physically molest me I will NOT back down. We will not pay your money.
Sincerely
Peter Parker
******************************************************************
20th February, 1814
Ooooh, did poor Mr Parker get his feelings hurt? Wade wants me to tell you that he has never felt a firmer arse. Now I want a feel.
Sincerely
Michelle Jones
******************************************************************
23rd February, 1814
Dear Mr Parker
No letters! I believe you are sulking.
Are you still sticking to your guns or has Wade following you around making farting noises managed to change your mind?
Sincerely
Michelle Jones
******************************************************************
26th February, 1814
Mr Parker
I hope you didn’t catch a cold when you had to walk back alone in the rain. I assure you Wade didn’t steal your umbrella, he merely borrowed it. You will find it leaning against Stark mansion tomorrow morning. We made some minor changes to it.
Sincerely
Michelle Jones
******************************************************************
27th February, 1814
Dear Mr Parker
Wade tells me that you didn’t seem to appreciate the epithet ‘Penny Pincher’ sewn on to your umbrella very much. That upsets me because it took me and Desiree alias Mary a great deal of time to do so.
Having second thoughts Mr Parker?
Sincerely
Michelle Jones
******************************************************************
28th February, 1814
Dear Miss Jones
I am in receipt of your correspondence with Mr Parker and I will be doing the needful.
Sincerely
Wanda Stark, Viscountess Malham
28th February, 1814
Miss Jones
She found your letters!
Peter Parker
28th February, 1814
I know! She sent me one just now. Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, what should I do???
Did I just wreck their marriage?
Michelle
******************************************************************
29st February, 1814
Miss Jones
She doesn’t seem very upset and hasn’t informed Lord Stark of any of this. She is going to see this Nadine woman today. I will keep you posted.
Sincerely
Peter
P.S- Can you please call Wade off in the meantime? Ana hates him and he keeps trying to cuddle me.
29st February, 1814
Thank you! I kept worrying all night if I had ruined their life.
Wade stays.
Michelle
******************************************************************
1st March, 1814
Miss Jones
Well, we both got what we wanted. Miss Williams will be paying your bills at the earliest possible date as soon as she can be seen about in public.
I took the liberty of dismissing Wade from his daily duties on your behalf
Sincerely
Peter
1st March, 1814
How on earth did Lady Stark get rid of that red headed banshee? And what did you mean by ‘as soon as she can be seen about in public?’ Is Lady Stark alright?
Wade is sulking. He appears to have got himself entirely too attached to you. And your arse.
Michelle
1st March, 1814
Miss Jones
Lady Stark got rid of Miss Williams by knocking her down, pulling her hair and informing her that Lord Stark was the exclusive property of Lady Stark now and that she would claw Miss Williams’s eyes out if she so much as mentioned Lord Stark’s name in future .
She seems fine judging by how she dragged Lord Stark off to their apartments where I assume they are engaged in certain …activities. The housemaids aren’t going near their apartments at present.
While I am afraid I don’t share Wade’s feelings I will miss him. In a way.
My regards to all of you
Sincerely
Peter Parker
1st March, 1814
I begin to see why you like that family of yours so much. Lady Stark appears to be a woman after my own heart.
It has been unexpectedly nice knowing you Mr Parker. I am almost sorry to say goodbye
Best wishes
Michelle
P.S- I read aloud the article you published to my staff regarding the Wells’s principle of natural selection. It was much appreciated though it is doubtful whether it was equally well understood.
******************************************************************
Tony fell back on the bed, sated and blissed out and darted a glance at his wife who was wearing an uncharacteristically smug look on her face.
“What was that?” he asked, enjoying the feel of her naked body as she cuddled up to him.
“That was me asserting my rights” she replied, making him laugh. “I have to say, I love being a husband under his wife’s thumb” he said lazily, one hand drawing patterns on her back.
“Then his wife would like to inform him that she will be purchasing a few new dresses tomorrow”. He hummed approval, his mind still too dulled with pleasure to care.
“And I will be taking Peter along with me “
That got his attention. “Peter, on a shopping trip?” he asked, eyebrows raised. “Dare I ask what you are up to now madam wife?”
She shook her head, a mischievous glint in her eyes. “There is someone I would like to meet, that’s all”.
“I am coming” Tony said immediately.
He wasn’t going to sit this one out.