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Yuri had fallen asleep again at dinner and while normally Yuuri would take this chance to take a picture of the young skater, he was much too worried about them right now to do so, no matter how cute they looked while they were sleeping.
“Yura.” Otabek murmured, shaking Yuri awake.
“I’m awake.” They mumbled back, groping around for their fork but managing to nearly knock over their water instead.
Yuuri hadn’t been too worried about Yuri when they first showed signs of being exhausted constantly. They’d just finished the Grand Prix Finals and anyone would be tired having to go straight from competition into more training to prepare for European Championship which would be quickly followed by the Olympics and then World Championships.
And before all that, Yuri was going to complete in Russian Nationals, which was only a week away.
So, it made sense that Yuri might be a little tired but it had been three dinners in a row that Yuri had fallen asleep at and that was what was worrying Yuuri.
Yuri’s free program had been amazing at The Grand Prix Finals but now when they ran through the program, Yuuri could tell something was wrong. Something about it was off and Yuuri wasn’t the only person who noticed.
Yuri was frustrated and this lead to them working even harder than they had been, which would have been fine if it weren’t for the fact that Yuri already pushed themselves much harder than was probably healthy.
“Yuri, I was thinking,” Yuuri said as Yuri blinked awake. “Maybe you should skip Russian Nationals this year. People would understand and we could claim you have some minor injury.”
“I’m fine.” Yuri glared at their coach. “I’m tired.”
“I’m just worried that you’re overdoing it.” Yuuri bit his lip, “If you’re not careful, you’ll get injured.”
“You don’t need to mother me.” They snapped, earning them a raised eyebrow from both Viktor and Otabek.
“I’m not mothering you.” Yuuri crossed his arms. “I’m your coach now and I will worry about you.”
“I have to compete in Nationals.” Yuri muttered, looking at their plate. “It’s important.”
“You don’t have to prove anything.”
“I’m not trying to!” Yuri willed their blood to stop boiling, wishing they didn’t feel so agitated. They knew it was because they were tired but that didn’t change the feeling that they were so annoyed. Knowing why they felt this way wasn’t helping them stop from wanting to fight back against Yuuri. “I’m just tired, it’s not that big of a deal.”
“I think we should head home.” Otabek said, as much to the Katsuki’s as to Yuri. “I’m pretty tired too.”
Otabek had more time until his next competition thanks to his nationals taking place earlier in December. The problem was, they often overlapped with or were so close to The Grand Prix Finals that he couldn’t compete in them once he started actually qualifying for the finals. He missed being able to compete in his home country regularly even if he did enjoy international competition.
“I don’t need to go home.” Yuri snapped back at him.
Otabek was nowhere near as tired as Yuri was but that didn’t mean he wasn’t also tired and when Otabek was tired he knew he could get upset easily. He and Yuri were very similar in that way. Everyone had a different reaction to being tired. Some were grumpy, some were more emotional, and some just got angry. Yuri got grumpy and easily annoyed while Otabek just got angry. After that, the two of them became really good at getting on each other’s nerves.
“You nearly passed out into your food.” Otabek didn’t care if Yuri was tired, he didn’t even care if Yuri denied being tired, but he couldn’t stand that right now Yuri was tired because something was upsetting them and they wouldn't just talk about it. “Either get more sleep or don’t complain about going home early.”
Yuri stood suddenly, pushing their chair back hard enough that it almost tipped over.
“I don’t need you all dotting on me, I can take care of myself! I’m not some fragile thing that needs caring for.”
Yuri turned on their heel and stormed out of the apartment, leaving an awkward silence in their wake.
Otabek groaned, rubbing their face with their hands before smiling tiredly at everyone at the table.
“I’m sorry, we’re both… tired.”
“Do you…” Viktor looked uncertain but also concerned, “need to sleep here tonight?”
“It’s not as bad as it looked.” Otabek insisted, feeling strangely scrutinized by Yuuri and Viktor.
“We know, honey.” Yuuri tilted his head. “But you two both might need to take time to cool off.”
“I should go talk to them.”
“Do what you need.”
---
Yuri and Avery had convinced the owners of their rink to give them both keys through a lot of begging and a little bit of making puppy-dog eyes at them.
Yuri wished they could say that part had been mostly Avery but the truth was that when you were a student under Yakov, you learned how to get him to let you do things. Things like change your exposition skate the night of the Grand Prix Finals’ expositions. Or letting you skip out on a press conference because you’re ‘not feeling well’ so that you and Otabek could go out drinking on the last night the later would be in Saint Petersburg.
The owners of the rink liked Yuri and Avery so it had been honestly too easy to convince them. After people in the area learned that this was the rink frequented by two grand prix finalists and two of the best skaters in history, public skate sales had gone up considerably.
So when Otabek texted he was going to stay at the Katsuki’s so that Yuri and he could cool off and get some sleep, Yuri went straight to the rink.
The owners were the only ones who even knew Yuri and Avery had keys so they knew they’d not be found here by any nosey coaches looking to help them sort out their feelings.
After over an hour of skating, mostly just mindlessly skating because Yuri found they weren’t in the mood to be reminded how terrible their free programs had suddenly become, Yuri was scared out of his skin by the sound a door closing. When they looked towards the noise, they found Avery was standing next to the barrier, arms crossed across their chest.
“You know you shouldn’t skate alone.” They called onto the ice as Yuri skated over.
“I wasn’t even doing any jumps.” Yuri defended.
“Not yet, but I know you were going to eventually. I could see it in the way you were skating.”
Yuri hated that Avery knew more about them than a lot of people, especially when it came to skating. Not only were the rinkmates, but Avery had grown up watching Yuri skate. They’d just been a little kid when Yuri made their senior debut so Avery had seen a lot of Yuri’s life. Almost as much as Yuuri, if Yuri thought about it.
“Well, when else can I practice without people trying to tell me carefully that I suck?”
“You don’t suck.”
“I do! I fucking suck and everyone can stop saying I don’t.” Yuri’s voice echoed through the quiet rink and they kicked at the ice, their frustration coming to a head. “I’m a mess and I’ve ruined my own career.”
“You’re a mess, that’s for sure.” Yuri couldn’t believe they’d implied Avery didn’t tell them the truth. Wasn’t that what they’d done only a couple of weeks ago? Why did they say all the wrong things when they were tired?
Why did they say all the wrong things when they were scared?
“Also, you’re a dumb ass.”
“Excuse me?”
“Skate your free program for me.”
“What?” Yuri blinked at the sixteen-year-old.
“You came here to skate, so do it.”
After a few moments of silent staring, Yuri skated back out to the center of the ice.
“Don’t do any of the jumps.” Avery amended, “You’re tired as fuck and I don’t want to be responsible for you cracking your head open.”
“When did you get a mouth on you?” Yuri asked, raising an eyebrow at their friend.
“I’ve always had one, I just don’t use it around Yuuri or Viktor because I’m not an idiot.”
Yuri snorted, “They’ve heard worse from me so I think you’re probably fine. Though, if you start now they’ll probably blame me so maybe hold off.”
Avery was leaning against the barrier with their phone out, not looking at Yuri until they stared at Avery for a while.
“What are you waiting for? Start.”
Yuri started, knowing the program well. It was a difficult program but nothing Yuri wasn’t used to, they’d been skating technically difficult programs since they were in juniors. It was easy for them to imagine the music and even to imagine the crowd and judges. As they approached what would be their first jump, Avery started reading off their phone loudly enough for Yuri to hear. If it weren’t for the silence, they might not have noticed but it was early in the program and there was nothing else for them to concentrate on.
“Yuri Plisetsky: confused or just an attention seeker?” Yuri almost stopped skating but they guessed Avery was just trying to bother them. “At a press conference following a Grand Prix Final win, Yuri Plisetsky of Russia first taunted a reporter before admitting a relationship with his fellow skater Otabek Altin of Kazakhstan. After that, he proceeded to admonish skating convention then announced he ‘wasn’t male.’”
Yuri gritted their teeth, trying to concentrate on their program and not Avery’s words but it was hard not to listen. It was like driving past a car accident, you just wanted to look. Unfortunately, in this case Yuri was the car accident.
“He used the word confused often in his long-winded explanation of why he’s chosen ‘change’ as the theme for this season’s programs. But the question is, was this announcement done out of his confusion about himself or as a stunt?”
Yuri knew they just needed to ignore Avery because obviously Avery was trying to mess with them. Yuri didn’t know exactly why Avery thought this was what they needed right now.
“If Plisetsky is truly as confused as he claims, maybe the blame for this announcement lays with his coach, Yuuri Katsuki of Japan, who seems to collect confused youth to specifically convince them that they are somehow special. This can be seen in his coaching of not just Plisetsky but also Avery Kalmowitz. Both Katsuki’s are known for their disregard for gender and it seems they passed that onto their students. One has to wonder whether they are a good influence on children.”
Yuri had heard and seen this all since the Grand Prix Finals but it still hurt. The attacks on Yuuri and Viktor especially hurt because they weren’t part of this. If Yuri had known they’d be attacked too, then they would have rethought their announcement. For god’s sake, Viktor didn’t technically know about the announcement beforehand. What right did shitty reporters have to call into question their coaching and, more annoyingly, their child rearing abilities?
“Regardless of the bad influences in his life, Plisetsky’s announcement seems more like a publicity stunt meant to save a failing career.”
And Avery kept going on, reading the article without even looking at Yuri skating. They just ignored the program and instead read the article, their voice loud and commanding. When Yuri finished they only took a split second to catch their breath before turning to glare at Avery.
“What the hell was that? Did you really think I needed you to sit there and remind me of how fucked the reports about me are?”
“You were able to finish your program anyways.” Avery laid their phone down on the barrier, their glaze placid. “And it didn’t change anything because even when I’m not here reading bullshit opinion pieces you skate like someone is. You can’t get your mind off of what the assholes have to say and it’s making you afraid. When you skated in the Grand Prix you were full of life and confidence, now all I see is fear.”
“You sound like Yuuri.”
“That’s because Yuuri is right and you need to start listening to him because he’s your fucking coach.” Avery looked back down at their phone. “Skate the program again.”
“Why? So you can insult me while I skate? I don’t know what gave you the idea that making me feel worse would make me do better but it’s not working!”
Avery still didn’t look up. “Skate the program. If you won’t listen to your coach, your boyfriend, or your boyfriend’s coach then we’re going to do this until you listen.”
Yuri wanted to scream and shout at Avery, wanted to say all the things they really wanted to shout at the reporters who turned this announcement into some stupid publicity stunt. They wanted to throw a rage-filled temper tantrum like they used to because back then it felt so good to throw their phone at the wall and curse at everyone who they decided was wrong. But they were twenty not fifteen and people weren’t going to forgive them for being young and harmless anymore.
Taking a breath, Yuri started to skate while Avery started at their phone and remained silent for the first thirty seconds of the program. In the silent rink with no sound but their skates against the ice, Yuri felt a little more comfortable suddenly.
Avery was right, they’d been ignoring the advice of everyone. They were scared and they were trying to prove something. They were tired. They just wanted to be able to be who they were without being questioned and insulted.
They’d said their programs were about change but that wasn’t quite right, they knew that now. Rebirth wasn’t quite right either, not for their free program. Instead, they were about who Yuri was, who they always were, and being true to themself.
Maybe a better theme was truth and the reason Yuri was scared, the reason they were tired and couldn’t sleep and kept lashing out at the people they cared about was because Yuri was scared these people were right. They were scared that maybe they were confused and that they were lying to everyone, themself included. Maybe they were just a he who kind of liked skirts like Phichit. Maybe they were wrong and that was the scariest thought they’d ever had because they felt so confident before and they weren’t used to be uncertain, not about themself.
“Yuri Plisetsky announces they’re trans.” Avery’s voice almost scared Yuri enough to trip them up, but they were able to keep their pace without a mistake. “‘I’m so proud of my Yurochka, they’re so brave!’ ‘Do we know Yuri uses they pronouns?’ ‘I don’t know but until they say, that seems safe.’”
Yuri hadn’t been expecting Avery to read anything positive, their anger seeming too intense for any kindness. Yuri realized that for as sharp as their tongue could be, Avery was better at comfort and soft words than most people Yuri knew.
“‘I didn’t care much about skating but now I can’t wait for the Olympics! Go Avery and Yuri!’ ‘I never thought I’d see one person like me in my favorite sport, let alone two!’ ‘The haters are just whiny assholes who can’t believe people can be different from them and successful.’ ‘Don’t listen to the haters, Yuri, you’re perfect!’”
Avery went on with compliments and encouragements until Yuri finished, turning to look at Avery with furrowed eyebrows.
“Looking at negative press will kill you.” Avery’s voice was soft, both in quality and volume, and they weren’t looking at Yuri. They’d put their phone back down and was now staring at their hands. “And ignoring the positive press will too. You can’t let them do this to you. Coach and Viktor didn’t know how to help me when I let those commentators fuck with me and trip me up but my old coach did. She’s the one who got me through juniors dealing with the backlash from my announcement about being nonbinary but back then it wasn’t as bad. It was mostly other competitors and the occasional disreputable blog but when I was young it hurt. She shielded me from a lot of it though so when I heard what those commentators said during my short program, I fell apart the next day.”
Yuri remembered that competition. They’d watched the short program and felt a little sick listening to the rude jokes and misgendering. Both men had apologized publicly after the competition when there’d been backlash from a lot of people who pointed out that not only were the comments rudely transphobic, but they were also directed at a minor. But they’d already done their damage and everyone knew that was why Avery had dropped from second place after the short programs to last place. Yuri had just been glad that Yuuri was there for Avery because he was the exact person to comfort someone in that situation.
“After that my old coach contacted me. She’d moved to the west coast with her family, which is why we went separate ways. Apparently, she still watched her old students compete and she saw what happened. Like everyone else, she knew exactly what went wrong and why I collapsed under the pressure of a competition I’d competed in plenty of times.”
Avery looked up now, smiling at Yuri.
“You can’t let them tell you who you are. Even if you only recently gave it a name, you’ve always been who you are. You’ve always be the gender you are, even if you didn’t really know. Whatever you decide– whoever you decide you are, that’s who you are. Not what other people say because it’s hard but you can’t live your life according to other people.” Avery laughed, “Our sport is so much about what other people think but… but that doesn’t have to bleed into your life. You’re Yuri Plisetsky, you’re one of the best skaters in the history of this sport, and you’re nonbinary. You’ve always been Yuri Plisetsky and you’ve always been nonbinary, now you need to show these assholes that you’ll always be the best of the best, regardless of what they think.”
“You’re pretty wise for a sixteen year old.” Yuri raised an eyebrow at them.
“The first part of that was what my old coach told me.” They laughed, “And that second part was all you.”
Yuri blinked at Avery for a moment, their groggily mind not realizing that Avery had been paraphrasing their own press conference.
“Oh.” Yuri responded, stepping off the ice and shakily putting their guards on as Avery stood close, like they were worried Yuri would keel over at any moment. “You know, you’re kind of mean sometimes.”
“Only with you.” Avery raised and eyebrow, crossing their arms. “I’ve seen it plainly the last few months. If you think someone it pitying you or trying to take care of you or whatever it is, you close off and won’t listen to a word they say. So, the only way to give you advice when you’re acting like that is to make sure you know I don’t think you’re weak. Coach is too nice to do that when you’re so tired and Viktor won’t do it if Yuuri isn’t going to do it. And then, of course, Otabek has no idea what he’s supposed to do because you two apparently don’t talk to each other. Do you know he’s taken to asking me for advice? Like I know anything about you.”
Yuri snorted, about to say something when their tired mind finally processed the fact that Avery being at the rink made no sense. They were dressed in their regular clothes, with no sports bag in sight, so they couldn’t be here to practice. It was also a little late at night for a sixteen year old to be walking around alone.
“What are you doing here?” Yuri finally asked.
Avery simply held up their phone, showing a message from Otabek.
Otabek Altin: Have you heard from Yuri?
Avery Kalmowitz: No
Avery Kalmowitz: Why?
Otabek Altin: They were supposed to be home but when I got back they weren’t there.
Avery Kalmowitz: Did you two fight?
Otabek Altin: Why does it matter?
Avery Kalmowitz: I think I know where they are
Otabek Altin: Where?
Otabek Altin: Avery?
Otabek Altin: Avery where are they?
Avery Kalmowitz: I found Yuri. Don’t worry.
Otabek Altin: Where?
Otabek Altin: Avery?
Avery pulled their phone away and typed out a message while Yuri cursed and hurried to their bag, pulling out their cell phone.
Beka: Yura, where are you?
Beka: I’m worried.
Beka: Yura? Are you will Avery?
Yuri sighed. They’d only gone to the rink because Otabek had texted saying he was going to stay at the Katsuki’s.
Yuri Plisetsky: Sorry, Beka, I didn’t hear my phone.
Yuri Plisetsky: I’ll be home soon.
“Avery, did you really come all the way here alone to see if I was at the rink?”
“Otabek sounded worried. And I’d also gotten texts from Coach and Viktor.” Avery winked. “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell them about the late night skating.”
They headed out of the rink together, Yuri locking the door behind them, and were about to start off in different directions with Yuri paused.
“Thanks Avery. Again.”
“You should just be happy I did this before Coach could get to the point where he’d be the one yelling at you.” Yuri laughed because they were sure Avery was right about that. They’d never really been yelled at by Yuuri but they’d seen him angry and had to agree that wasn’t a fun sight. “Get home safe.”
“You too. Do you need me to walk you home? You seem too young to be walking alone at night?”
“Oh shut up.” Avery rolled their eyes. “I’ve lived here longer than you.”
“You’re still a child.”
Avery turned and started walking away.
“See you later.”
“Yah… see you.”
Yuri turned too and headed home.
---
They opened the door slowly, finding Otabek asleep at the table. They went to stand next to their boyfriend, who’d fallen asleep with his phone still in his hand and his cheek pressed against the table.
“Beka.” Yuri shook his shoulder lightly, “Beka?”
“Hmm?” Otabek lifted his head slowly, his eyes blinking confusedly before they seemed to clear. “Yura!”
“Hey, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I didn’t think you’d be home tonight so I went for a walk.”
“You went for a walk?”
“Yah… Then I went to the rink.” Otabek’s eyebrows scrunched together. “Avery and I both convinced the owners of the rink to give us each a key so we could practice late at night.”
“That’s dangerous.” Otabek pointed out.
“I know… I just needed to think.” Yuri sighed, “I’m sorry, Beka. I shouldn’t have shouted at you earlier.”
“I’m sorry for what I said too.” Otabek’s mouth was set in a thin line, his face uncertain. “I shouldn’t have gotten angry.”
“Beka,” Yuri pulled Otabek out of his chair and into a hug. “You were just worried.” They kissed Otabek’s forehead and then his nose. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Otabek yawned. “Why don’t we go to bed?”
“Sounds good.”
“Yuuri and Viktor said we should take tomorrow off.”
“Yah… that sounds good.”
---
Laying in bed, Yuri felt good being able to burrow close to Otabek as the shorter man wrapped his arms around them.
“Beka? Are you awake?”
“Yah.”
“I forgot to apologize for not telling you what was wrong. And for not listening to your advice.”
“It’s really okay. We’re both tired… I just want you to be able to talk to me when something’s wrong.”
“I know… I’m sorry. I’m still not used to having someone to talk to.” Yuri paused. “I didn’t really grow up with the best role models for talking about your feelings.”
“I guess you’re right.” Otabek smiled to himself, kissing the top of Yuri’s head. “I worry you don’t trust me and that things won’t work out.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t want you to have to feel that way.” Yuri sometimes forgot that Otabek was never really certain of anything, especially not when if came to their relationship. They felt bad that they were contributing to that uncertainty. “I do trust you but… it’s hard to admit what you’re feeling when you don’t want it to be true.”
They were silent for a while before Yuri spoke again.
“I was afraid and I do feel like I need to prove something.” They admitted because if anyone deserved to know how they were feeling, it was Otabek. “I was afraid that they were right, the people who said I was confused and wrong. I never thought about the fact that I could be wrong, not once I had a name for what I was feeling, so when I saw people saying I was wrong… I hate that what they say affects me like this but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want anyone to know it affected me so I was trying to pretend it didn’t.”
“You’re allowed to care what other people think.” Otabek murmured, sleep starting to pull at him as he fought to stay coherent. “But you shouldn’t worry about that. You’re the one who gets to say who you are, okay?”
“Thanks, Beka.” Yuri yawned and pulled themself closer to Otabek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”