Chapter Text
“Why am I here? Why am I here? Why am I here?” Meredith repeats constantly in her head as the plane lands down in Washington, D.C. She finally woke up from the NyQuil that she took so that she’ll be asleep the whole flight. Airplanes still give her the creeps.
She removes the pillow on her back and she cracks her knuckles, trying to ward off the creeps. The door is opened and the steps are laid down, and Meredith stands up immediately, grabbing her suitcase and her duffel bag, feeling her arms strain at the weight of her baggages.
As she enters the airport, she is overwhelmed by the amount of people. She forgot how crowded Reagan gets. The last time she was at this airport… The last time she had the reason to go to this airport… There was someone waiting for her at baggage claim, holding out a sign for her. Now, there’s no one waiting for her, she is just going to hail a cab and she’s going to sleep at an empty, fairly decent hotel room.
It’s been a while since Meredith’s been alone. She’s been so used to being alone that she doesn’t really notice it until it’s magnified. The last time she was alone and she had time to herself was when she stayed in that crappy hotel beside SEATAC, just talking to herself, reading or attempting to read novels, and dancing on the bed in beautiful lingerie. She still doesn’t know why she didn’t get on that plane. But here she is now, three years after, in DC, with no one waiting for her.
She exits the airport and she boards one of the shuttle buses. She sits by the window and she opens her phone, ignoring all the messages and calls that doesn’t start with 911. This isn’t a vacation, this isn’t work either. Amelia just asked her to attend neurosurgery talks in her place because she’s working on her marriage with Owen. She did this to run away for a little while from everyone and everything. The view distracts her, the sky changing from brightness to the dark. Before she even plays Led Zeppelin, the bus stops in front of her hotel. She gets off the bus quickly and she sees the huge poster, welcoming doctors to the annual medical convention hosted by the White House.
What welcomes her shocks her. There’s so much noise and buzzing you won’t realise it’s a good hotel. There are people everywhere. There are doctors everywhere. Everyone’s catching up or showing off, and the noise is unbearable. She finds an empty cart and she puts all her things in it, and she walks to the counter.
“I’m checking in. Meredith Grey.” She says.
“Good evening, ma’am. Welcome to Marriott Marquis. Give me a moment please.” The receptionist greets, smiling at her. She smiles back out of sheer courtesy and she waits, her hands restless. It’s been a long day.
“Doctor Grey, you are booked for an executive suite from today to Sunday noon. May I have something brought up to your room?”
“That’s correct. Yes, I can use a bottle of white wine and some bread.”
“It’ll be up in your room in half an hour. I hope you have a good stay.” Meredith is handed her keycard.
“Thank you.” She says, and she walks away from the counter and on to the elevator. There’s a lot of people waiting for the elevator and some of them are giving her weird looks. She looks at her clothes and she looks decent. One of these weird lookers gathers up enough courage to talk to her.
“Hi, you look familiar.” He says.
“I don’t know you. How do you know me?” She asks, leaning at her cart.
“You are one of those doctors, right? You bought a hospital?”
She sighs. “Yes, I’m one of the owners of Grey Sloan.”
“You doctors are amazing. No one has the money nor the bravery to do what you did.”
“The Harper Avery foundation helped us. They saw opportunities in our hospital and our staff that they didn’t see anywhere else.” She points out. The look of pain in the eyes of the doctors who has been looking at her the whole time is priceless.
“Good for you.” He simply says, and he and the rest leaves Meredith alone. Meredith smiles to herself and she enters the elevator.
The elevator trip was quiet and fast that she got shocked when the elevator pings and stops at her floor. She walks at the quiet hallway and she finally reaches her room. She puts in the keycard and the door opens, revealing a room larger than she expected.
Before watching old movies and documentaries, she placed her bags near her bed. She checked the fridge for bottles of liquors, and there are small overpriced bottles of tequila and scotch. It’s like the hotel knew it’s her who would be checking in. She grabbed two bottles of tequila and downed it, immediately making her tipsy. She probably should’ve eaten the airplane food but she was asleep and oblivious to the world.
She changes into one of her favorite shirts. It belongs to him. It’s his stupid grey Bowdoin shirt, the shirt she wears when it’s a little harder to sleep alone and it’s a little scarier to not have a security blanket with her. The hems are a little worn out, the logo is chipping off, but she still wears it. It’s both a good and bad reminder of him.
Her wine and bread arrives and she locks all the doors and opens all the lights. Her room is so bright against the dark outdoors she can see at the balcony. The balcony overlooks the city, reminding her of Seattle. She pulls the curtains close and she goes to her bed, chugging down the wine straight from it’s bottle.
She opens the television and there’s a huge selection of movies and shows. She picks a dumb old romantic movie and as soon as it plays, she wishes she brought one of her mother’s surgical tapes. She laughs, realizing just how drunk she is. She’s wishing to see a surgery instead of seeing this dumb old romantic movie.
She stands and the room spins for a second. “Whoa.” She mumbles, then she laughs. She continues walking to the fridge, taking as much bottles in her arms. The door closes with her small kick and she walks back to her bed, dropping bottles along the way.
“This movie is so stupid. Why would you eat breakfast in front of Tiffany’s?” She mumbles, downing two more bottles. She eats more bread and she swallows it with more wine, making her drunker and tipsier by the second. Audrey Hepburn has a twin now, and the twin owns a cat named Cat too.
“The guy is a pimp. He has the audacity to call her out for being a pimp but he’s also a pimp!” She screams at the tv.
Her stomach turns and she ignores it, still drinking tequila. Alex wouldn’t give her hell for downing too many shots of tequila, but Derek would. But he’s not here, so screw it. She’ll drink as much as she wants till she throws up or she passes out, whichever comes first.
“Prison? Why the hell is she in prison?” She grumbles. “I should know why she’s in prison.”
She reaches for her phone and she dials a number. Whoever it is.
“Hello, why is Audrey Hepburn wearing some fancy clothes in prison?”
“Meredith?”
“Answer my question. Earlier she was just hosting a party of some sort.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Answer my question! Why is she in prison?”
“I don’t know, Mer. Google it.” Alex says dismissively.
“Why was she eating in front of a store?” She asks.
“Drink ibuprofen and coffee when you wake up.”
“You’re useless. Bye.” She throws her phone inside her bag and she resumes watching.
The room is spinning faster now. She lies down properly, staring at the ceiling, which is full of black spots. She swats it away, but the spots get bigger. She must be really drunk now. Even when her arms weigh like a thousand pounds, she reaches for the wine bottle which ends up being empty. She rolls her eyes and she throws it across the room, landing somewhere with a crash. Her eyelids feel heavy, and she lets them close her eyes, succumbing to the haze.
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Meredith’s phone rings loudly, making her head pound hard. She reaches for it and she looks at it, her eyes hurting.
“Med Con.” It reads.
“Crap! Crap, crap, crap!” She screams and she gets off the bed, feeling the weight of the world on her head.
In a rush, she changes into a plain white shirt and pinstriped slacks, putting a black coat to shield her from the cold. She grabs her bag hurriedly and goes out of her room, brushing her hair.
She shouldn’t have drank that much overpriced tequila last night. She should’ve stopped at 5, but she didn’t. She shouldn’t have finished all that wine by herself. She checks her reflection at the elevator door and it opens before she even saw herself., and she sees groups of doctors talking loudly to each other. There’s so many doctors and so many egos that need to be inflated and she doesn’t have time for that. Surgeons are already egotistical enough, and she isn’t here for socialising, but for the talk. Also, she needs coffee or water. All the alcohol she drank is rising on her throat. Fast.
Usually, the front seats are the full ones, but there are less people in the front than at the back. Pining her name tag at the coat, Meredith walks discreetly to the front, seeing a chair at the corner of the front row. The talk hasn’t started yet. Good. She has a moment to breathe. Her phone vibrates and she checks who it is. It’s Amy.
“Wake up, Meredith!” She says loudly.
“Shut up! I’m awake. I’m already at the conference and the speaker isn’t here yet.”
“Good. Take notes, okay?”
“Do I really have to? Can I just record the guy?”
“No, I need notes. I don’t have time to watch a conference. It’s not for me, it’s for the audience of my talks and my interns.”
“Neurosurgeons are the most high maintenance people I have ever met. You owe me one, Amelia.”
“Can’t deny that. For starters, ask one of the guys in a blue shirt for coffee and food. They have it for free. Ask for as much as you like.”
“Thanks. How are the kids?”
“Ellis had a hard time sleeping, so I brought her to my room and she slept straight for the night beside me. Zola and Bailey’s up, sitting at the couch, waiting for the breakfast I’m cooking. Maggie’s going to come home anytime and after breakfast I’m going to my shift.”
“And Alex?”
“Snoring like a log.” Meredith rolls her eyes and chuckles.
“I’ll see you soon, Mer.” Amelia says.
“You too. I’m rooting for you, Amy.”
“That means a lot. Take care of yourself and the kids.”
“Take care of yourself too. Bye.”
Like on cue, she sees one of the guys in a blue shirt and she asks for the largest cup of coffee and two bagels. Someone asks for the attention of the attendees but Meredith’s eyes are fixated on the guy who’s going to bring her coffee. She’s agitated. Or excited. She’s remembering how fun neurosurgery is.
“Good morning, everyone. It’s a fine morning in Washington, and it’s a fine morning to discuss one of the latest and biggest initiatives supported by the former President. To talk about the brain mapping initiative, let’s all welcome Derek Shepherd.”
Meredith drops her pen on the ground and she finally looks at the stage. She probably misheard it or she’s hallucinating, but one thing is for sure. He’s here. It’s him. It’s him. It’s him. Somehow, she can’t believe it. It cannot be him. She watched him take his last breath, and it broke her. It cannot be him. Her head hurts even more now with this tiny yet life changing sliver of information.
Derek walks to the centre of the stage, and he stays there, looking around, adjusting his microphone.
“Wow, I was warned that there will be a crowd, but a full house… Wow. Good morning, everyone. It’s a beautiful day, and let’s go to straight to the point. Let’s talk about brain mapping.” Derek looks around, and his eyes meet hers.
His breath catches and she gasps. His face fills with surprise, disbelief and somehow, peace, and she’s pretty sure her face mirrors it. It’s him. It’s him. She tries to look away but she can’t. She’s afraid that if she looks away, he’ll be gone.
"Brain mapping is one of the hardest things to ever do in history. The brain is the most essential component of the human body. It controls all organs and systems that keeps us alive. With that being said, it has been both a joy and a pain to map the brain."
Derek shows what seems to be the brain and what seems to be a galaxy. Everyone's attention are in the graphics, but Meredith hasn’t been able to take her eyes off of Derek.
"Who knows what this is?" Derek asks. Some people raise their hands.
"The lady in red, please."
"The neurons in the body, Doctor Shepherd."
"Excellent. This, in fact, is the map of the neurons in an average human body."
There are whispers and discussions among the crowd. Meredith looks at the image. Derek's research has come so far, and she can't help but be proud of her husband. Husband. It feels different to call someone like that again. Are they still married? Did he date anyone? She had sex with two men. She suddenly feels disgusted. She’s a cheater. She promised herself she won’t be her mother but it’s probably true that people all turn into their parents. The guy gives her her coffee and bagels and she devours it, distracting herself from her sins.
"This is the neurons in an average body. These neurons are interconnected with each other, and the big neurons are the ones connected to the major organs."
"You might be wondering, why are we mapping the neurons when we should be mapping the brain. You are right. It seems unnecessary, but to the contrary, it is. The brain isn't the only one that controls us. It gives commands and directions, but the neurons are the ones that transmit and relay the signals to the test of our body."
"For example, kissing.” Derek smirks in Meredith’s direction, and she blushes. “It isn't merely the amygdala that controls us, that gives us the urge to kiss someone. There's our eyes who see who we should kiss. Our hearts beat faster when we see this person. We sweat, we stutter, and we shake. These are all processes that give us the urge or the tendency to kiss. This is how it looks like when it is mapped."
Derek presses a button and very specific parts of the galaxy and the brain light up. He calls someone.
"Doctor Shepherd, can you point out the specifics?"
"Okay." Derek says, and he holds a pointer.
"There's the brain, and you see the part that controls happy hormones and muscle control lighting up. There's the optic nerve, nerve that controls the lips, the cardio nerve, the pulmonary nerve, motor nerves of the arms and the legs, the gastric nerves, and uhm, well, the phallic nerve." Everybody laughs, even Meredith.
"This is a good example because it shows us how intricate the brain really is. We see that it controls so much of our body but we don't really realize it. This will explain why athletes are stronger and more fit for sports. This will explain why adrenaline junkies look for adventure and the thrill and the risks. This will also explain why people develop phobias and fears. This will help explain what makes us unique and human. There is still a long road ahead to understand everything and it will be worth it. Thank you."
Everyone applauds Derek, and he turns his back to the crowd and drinks water.
”Doctor Shepherd would be answering questions now. Raise your hand to be approached by our people." The emcee says.
Meredith looks at Derek and he's looking at her. Watching her. She still doesn't know if it's a dream or reality. If he is a dream or if he is real, breathing and alive. Alcohol and hangovers have a way to muddle her sanity.
"Doctor Bridges, Mayo Clinic. It's good to hear you are back, Doctor Shepherd. Were you entirely focused in this initiative or did you operate on the side?"
Derek chuckles. "I am first a surgeon before a scientist and a researcher so yes, I am still practicing here in Washington. A few surgeries here and there. This doesn't stop me from being entirely focused in the initiative."
"Doctor Madison, Stanford. Did you have any inspiration to pursue this initiative or was this just a product of your sheer genius?"
Derek looks at Meredith and grins. "I did have inspiration. I am not allowed to go in detail, but someone very close to me inspired me and helped me with the baby steps of this project."
"To follow up, is he or she still working with you?"
"Sadly, no, but she is a surgeon in New York now."
"Thank you, doctor."
"Last two questions."
Meredith raises her hand, and the same guy that brought her coffee hands her the microphone. She holds it with a slight tremor in her hand, and she starts talking.
"Doctor Grey, Grey Sloan. I am here in place of my fellow neurosurgeon back home. I was wondering if you have managed to do complex mapping and how far is your progress now, and if anything hindered and/or is still hindering you." She asks. She needs to hear him talk to her. She needs to know that he's real. There's suddenly a strange quiet in the room, like everyone is anticipating with her.
"We have managed to do complex mapping for athletes, such as the brains of martial arts champions and swimmers. We're about halfway through the process, and we're so close yet so far. There will always be hindrances, but we managed to overcome the ones we have encountered so far."
"Thank you, Doctor Shepherd." She says, and he gives her the smile he reserves only for her.
"Doctor Coleman, Mass Gen. Are you still married?” The next lady asks.
Everyone laughs, and Meredith blushes.
"Yes, I am married to Doctor Grey. I haven't been home in a while but she understands. I think."
Everyone laughs again and Meredith nods. Strangely, she does. She understands.