Archive of Our Own ^beta

17/04/2016

Dear Diary. That's so cliché. 'Dear Diary'. I suppose I should just start writing straight off the bat instead of waffling on, shouldn't I? Now I'm busy having a full in conversation with myself on how to start this damn entry. It's always the same damn thing whenever I get a new journal - it's like I've forgotten everything how to just be me and - fuck it.

Okay, so here it goes.

Today is Sunday.. the day I actually listened to a few songs off of Zayn's album. Okay I listened to the whole album.

I don't know why I'm talking about him again when I vowed that I never would. There's simply no reason to - I mean, he's out of my life, out of everyone's lives.

Spoke to Louis the other day and asked him if had spoken to him. He hasn't. He's still hurt, I think he always will be because of everything that happened.

He feels more betrayed than anything, betrayed because he thought he knew Zayn.

I expected to find I won't mind on his album but I guess after the twitter drama that was the end for the song. Unfortunate because it was one of the best that he had written - but I guess that's what happens when you lie with dogs, you're expected to get bitten by fleas (in his case get his song leaked) and Zayn found that out the hard way.

I think his best song - must be borders or 'borderz'. It just sounds so Zayn. It's so British - I don't know if that makes sense but to me you can tell that it's a British song. It's probably because I know him that I feel it's so him.

Does that even make sense???
It's the ending of it that gets me the most, that fucking dial tone.

Besides borderz, there's a song called flower which is like a minute and Zayn sings in urdu. It's very nice. Again, very Zayn. Literally

The most heartbreaking lyrics to come out of the album has to be 'please don't wait I'm not coming home tonight' from a song called rear view.

What the fuck am I actually doing? You'd think that I was working for damn rolling stone and doing a track by track review for the fucking album. I don't even know why I'm going on about it if I'm honest

You know, he thinks he's so smart with some of the lyrics he writes - and then he's all coy about things like fucking hell we get it, you're the fucking mysterious one.

"Until the flower of this love has blossomed, this heart won't be at peace"

You don't end up looking for love; instead it finds you and slowly reveals itself, like a flower in slow bloom. You never know what's coming - what the end result will look like, until it's fully flourished and leaves you with a pretty sight in the end. Just like the flower, you heart blossoms and, grows. You are vulnerable and open to the one you love the most.

15/06/2016

I remember speaking to one of my friends maybe a year or so back, and out of the blue he just mentioned that something was off with me.

"You know there's always something hidden in your eyes."

Harry furrowed his brows and frowned. It was something he had grown accustomed to, frowning. His mother would always fuss at him and tell him that he would age well before his time if he continued to let his forehead crease angrily the way it did so often, but it had become automatic. He didn't know that he was doing it unless someone made a comment and asked who pissed in his cereal that morning. Although he frowned now, out of his own will, there was an amused smile that tickled the corners of his lips. "What is that 'something'?"

"Well, see that's the thing. I don't actually know what it is, Harry. I just see that there's something there. It's like a sadness almost, contempt.. I don't know, it's always there - even when you're smiling or laughing maybe, not as strong as other times, but it's there."

Harry's smile fell away. His lips were now pressed in a thin line and he felt himself watching his movements, facial expression - the lot.

"It's there with Zayn... and Louis too a little."

Harry shrugged, not knowing how to reply to any part of this in any way. He puckered his lips and pouted slightly. "I guess it's all just about growing up, really."

"What about it?"

"You just.." Harry paused to make sure his wording was correct. "You just get more grounded as you grow older.. You understand, or well, start to understand the ins-and-outs of life... and I guess that it's just that sort of realisation in your eyes."

"Realisation of what?"

"That it's not all fun and games. That things get old fast.. in time, you may think you wanted something - and you get it, but once you've got it, it's just not what you thought it was. It's getting out of that kid mentality."

"And you had to grow up really fast, didn't you?"

"Yeah, we all did. It's like a different world out here so you're kind of forced to, you know, mature, if you want to be able to live in it."

"Would you go back and not audition for X-Factor now that you know what came of it?"

"... No. As hard as things get, as tiresome as they may be, it's all been worth it. I'm doing what I love for the people that I love and that love me back."

"... How do you do that, Harry?"

"What?" He smiled softly.

"Tell people what they want to hear?"

He chuckled and shook his head slightly.

You learn how to with time.

I don't know about the whole sadness things behind the eyes. Maybe I don't pay enough attention. Maybe I don't pay enough attention to the things that I should - myself, Zayn, Louis. Maybe I don't want to. Perhaps I've become equivalent to the vapid society of Hollywood that surround us. The soulless people who are all double kisses,'Mwah, mwah! How are you', 'you look great!', They always say, even though they don't really look, they just say it for the sake of saying it.

Maybe I'm like that? Maybe.. I'm not such a nice person?

"Gosh, that Harry Styles sure has changed."

It's an awful ideation, isn't it? I know that sometimes I can be too busy in my own world, too preoccupied with other things - other people, and then I tend to disregard others. Kind of like those busy mum's with incessant kids in the shop who are always begging them to buy this and that, but she ignores them, swatting their needy hand away subconsciously. I wasn't always like this, I know that I wasn't - if this is who I am now.

I do remember that I did see real sadness in Zayn's eyes once when we all got back to the studio after we had been off on holiday.

We had all met up in the studio on time - everyone was there except Zayn. It wasn't really that uncommon what with Zayn always running late, be it from oversleeping or having the horrid luck of getting caught in traffic. This time however it was odd because he always told one of us what the problem was and when he'd come.

Louis and Liam were busy with makeshift rubber band slingshots that they were using against each other or on me and Niall. They ripped out page after page from Louis' brand new lyric journal and folded the paper up into a tiny square which was used as ammunition and you can imagine how much it bloody hurt.

In the middle of Louis' boisterous laugh, after he had caught Niall right on his arse, in walked Zayn with the baggiest hoodie on that made him look thinner than he currently was.

"Mate!" Louis greeted, still enthusiastic as ever but Zayn forced a smile.

"Sorry I'm late. My flight was delayed."

I asked him if he was okay but he didn't really want to talk about it right now, so we focused on recording some of the songs for Four.

He told me later on that his dog died when he went back home. He was an old boy, 14 years, and his mum had phoned him a while back before we could take a break. She said that he wasn't doing well, he was sick with arthritis and his organs weren't as strong as they used to be so she didn't know if he'd make it by the time Zayn would get back.

From then his mood had dampened but he was still Zayn. He told me that his dog held on until he went back to Bradford. He spent the entire day with him and then, the next morning he had passed away, satisfied with the fact that he got to spend one last day with Zayn again.

"Why didn't you call or tell me and I would have called you?"

"I didn't really want to speak about it or cry on the phone."

Zayn's eyes were so incredibly lifeless and dull, it was like he had lost a piece of himself. Harry wanted to kiss his cheek like he always did when Zayn was down in the dumps. Just a small peck at the top of his high cheekbone. A soft slow kiss that's tender, that let's his shorter eyelashes meet Zayn's thicker, lustrous ones. The kiss that makes the corner of Zayn's mouth twitch upwards - but he doesn't smile. Instead he turns towards Harry, who's smiling and watching him ever so intently, and nudges the tip of his nose against Harry's as a means of 'thanks' and clumsily returns the peck to Harry's chin.

But Harry doesn't kiss Zayn's cheek and Zayn doesn't turn to look at him.

He said that he wished he was capable of loving like that, that fierce undying loyal love. I thought that it was a weird thing for him to say because Zayn was one of the most loyal people I knew

I'm not saying that him losing his pup brought this on, maybe it made me pay more attention to him, but ever since then, he just wasn't the same person that he used to be and that meant that we weren't the same thing that we used to be

16/06/2016

Is it bad that I've eavesdropped on Louis and Zayn in the past? Bus 1 really was their secret place. I wanted to hang out with Zayn but stopped when I heard them actually have a deep conversation.

"Have you ever been in love, Zayn. Honestly?"

"It sounds so interrogative." He chuckled. "I know I've messed around and messed up in the past, and I'll probably mess up again in the future .. but at times I did think that I was in love.. I guess it's a bad habit of mine, I'm really quick to take whatever someone gives me and turn it into 'love'."

"Why?"

"We all like attention, don't we?" His lip quirked up in a somewhat pained smile while he stared at the floor. It quickly fell away when he met Louis' blue eyes and impassive expression. Harry left as quietly as he had come once Louis and Zayn's voices died down for he thought that they were done and heading out. "It's funny; I thought I was in love before Harry. I really did. I wouldn't fucking dedicate a part of my arm to an art piece if I truly didn't think that I was in love or understood what love meant. But then you have someone like Harry who comes into my life and shows me what love is. He made me feel it before I could say it, before I realised that that was love. It was only when Harry came into my life and showed me the big picture of the corner piece that I had only had a glimpse of."

"So what are you going to do with that?" Louis pointed at the tattoo on his bicep.

"Try and make it work, I guess."

Zayn's tattoos hold a lot of meaning to him. He was never like Harry and Louis; not that he couldn't appreciate the spontaneous tat; a silly little drawings or words for the hell of it just weren't his thing. It always had to have meaning to him, no matter how big or small.

He would spend countless hours thinking about what he wanted where. What related to him, his persona, what he liked, who he liked, and things and people that had made a great impact on his life. His body was his journal which showed his journey; his ups and downs for the world to see.

He had only covered up a few tattoos. One was that Chinese symbol for 'lucky' because Zayn said he felt more blessed than lucky... and the other... well.. you can try your utmost to make something work but at the end of the day, you have to come to terms with the fact that you just can't force a square peg into a round hole.

People say that 'maybe you've just lost that spark'. I don't think that we lost it. We know where it is, we can see it and we can actually make a new one - a new 'spark' if we wanted to. I don't know why we choose not to. Maybe we're lazy. Maybe we're scared. Maybe our spark has shown us all that could have been seen (done it's job and now it's burnt out) in the short space of time that we've been doing this.

Maybe I'm just being really fucking overzealous and overthinking the things that people say.

11/08/2016

You know, one day when it all seemed too much to handle – for any of us – Zayn walked into the hotel room and just sat next to me in silence for what must have been minutes but felt like hours on end.

It was at a time when the band got really big and we had managed to make a name for ourselves on the states. But of course as they say 'with fame comes misfortune' and it all started to eat away at us... and Zayn and I were the ones who always showed it the most. I guess it was just another thing that we bonded over and one of the things that brought us closer together.

He looked at me, and I still remember that I was trying to watch some movie but I just couldn't concentrate on it, anyway, Zayn turned to me and asked if I ever felt like just getting away from it all sometimes. And I turned to him and nodded.

"Harry?"

"Mm?"

"Do you ever think about leaving the city? Like, going away on holiday for a really long time – but to a place where no one knows you and you know no one?"

"Kind of like escape to your own little island?"

"Yea. An island. Just to be completely by yourself."

"Yea. Lots of times. Not alone though, I'd take you with me." Harry said earnestly and looked at Zayn.

"Me? Why me?" Zayn ask with slight bewilderment.

"You're good company. You're nice, funny... You just basically get me – and you're also always there for me. So, I'd like your company. I'm happy when I'm with you."

I miss those talks with him.

There's so many things that Zayn and I will take to our graves. So many things that I can't imagine speaking about with other people, that I spoke about with him. He always knew what to say, he always stayed true to being my best friend.

It's their night off in the summer of 2013. Harry and Zayn had decided to stay in for the night while Louis, Liam and, Niall (who were used to this) decided to go out. Zayn suggested that they sneak to the pool so that they could dip their feet in and gaze at the stars. He wanted a relaxed night, free of girls and alcohol and everything that they had become accustomed to.

It was only when he peered around the corner that he saw that other people had the same idea as him and had beaten him and Harry to it.

His eyes naturally gravitated to the two girls that were pissed out of their mind, pouring sloppy vodka shot after shot that was mixed with a hideous looking orange juice – hideous because the brown skinned girl 'lightweight' who's now downed three – won't stop complaining about the juice rather than the vodka. Her brunette friend, who Zayn dubs 'the bartender', does a better job at hiding her grimace.

"Should we go join them?" Harry's behind him, whispering into his ear and Zayn just knows that there's a dirty grin that's on his face. He's about to say that he'd rather not but another man's voice forces his mouth shut again.

He comes into view from behind the small bar that's hidden on the left. "I just really like you, I have ever since the first time I saw you." A guy who has a buzz cut and darker skin than Zayn confesses to lightweight (who looks equally shocked as she is drunk). He looks like an army brat, Zayn thinks to himself when he sees the white muscle-tee and black three-quarter cargo pants he sports.

"We've only met up three times. You don't even know me; I could be the worst person on earth." Lightweight says and Zayn grins while he wonders just how drunk she is to reply with something like that.

Harry hisses quietly beside him, as if he's the one who's taken the blow instead of buzz cut – who's now drinking straight from the vodka bottle, wasting no time in drowning his sorrows.

The girls are so incredibly drunk and giggly and, just such typical teens that Zayn can't help but relate them to how he and Harry are sometimes. They look like genuine kids, hanging off of each other, laughing about everything and nothing at the same time.

There's such awe and carefree blithe in their eyes – and Harry sees it too, they're practically the female version of him and Zayn, he thinks and, wants to go join them, but he's having more fun watching the scenes unfold. They look around the same age as Harry, maybe a year younger? It's that green adolescence that they're donning, the one where they're fresh out of high school and think that they've pretty much got the world all figured out, when in reality, they've only just stuck the tip of their toe into the ocean.

There's another man telling buzz cut to go easy on the booze. He looks to be much older than the rest, maybe 27, 28? He looks like a lifeguard straight out of Baywatch, with his ruby red swim trunks and sandy blond tousled hair. His arms are covered in tattoos, and bartender drunkenly compliments them."She's beautiful." She says while holding his forearm.

Both Harry and Zayn think that bartender and lifeguard are about to hit it off, but buzz cut dives into the pool, head first, which sends lifeguard...into well, lifeguard mode and before you know it, he's fishing out the drunk mess who's got a nasty gash on his forehead from hitting his head on the floor of the pool.

"Oh for fucks sake – " lightweight is upset. "I'm not that fucking special." She says, annoyed that buzz cut got too into his feelings after the rejection.

The girls slowly get up, their drunken night ruined, but Harry sees their clothes and their appearance under the lamppost and guesses that by the looks of things, they've already gone out and had a nice, wild night.

Lightweight reminds Harry of Zayn. Cautious, pensive Zayn who always thinks about how and why things are the way they are.

'I could be the worst person on earth.'

In an attempt to relieve some stress, she pulls out a crumpled box of cigarettes from her bag.

"These are disgusting." Bartender now grimaces after she's taken a drag and hands it back.

"They're old, sorry." Lightweight apologises before they're laughing again.

"Shawn just asked me to send him some nudes." Bartender says and throws her head back, laughing. She stares at her phone and wrinkles her nose. "Ugh, he's such a pig."

"Send him a pitch black picture and say, 'Sorry, it's a bit dark here.'"

Zayn and Harry want to cackle as loud as they do when bartender actually goes through with taking the picture of her palm pressed to the camera lens to send a blank, uneventful picture.

"Come on, I'm exhausted." Lightweight says after their laughter has died down and grabs onto bartenders hand. They've been so happy and content with their own company that they hadn't notice buzz cut and lifeguard had also left them alone.

"God, I love you, thanks for being my best friend." Bartender says to lightweight as they walk away, becoming soon out of earshot for Zayn and Harry.

The boys emerge from the staircase to claim the pool area for themselves and instead of dipping their feet in the water, Harry and Zayn lay down on the concrete and stare up at the pitch black sky that was dotted with white specks everywhere. It's as if the stars were out for only everyone sitting there tonight and Harry can't stop staring. He missed peaceful moments like this so dearly.

His right hand slowly travelled to Zayn's to interlace their fingers together as neither one looked away at the constellations above them. It was times like these that Harry would treasure forever. Times when he had the most important person by his side and he was carefree and green with awe in his eyes. There was something so calming and heart-warming that came from holding onto Zayn's hand on a night like this. Not as a lover, but as a friend. It was something that made him feel safe and complete, like everything was right in the world for these few minutes and everyone was happy. It's a feeling, that still to this day, he wishes he could bottle up and keep for days when he wants to scream until his throat his raw. And it's that damn irony of pulling out his little bottle of nostalgia and having it cause him the most sorrow that he could feel, that makes him want to scream until his throat is raw because he knows that he'll never have a moment like that again, that he'll never be as green as he was back then.

"There are so many stars out tonight," Harry exhaled lightly; his voice sounding like it was a million miles away – even to his own ears. "How many do you think are out there?"

"... What's more than a trillion?" Zayn asked smoothly.

Harry's eyes shimmered up at the night sky. He didn't focus on the ice concrete beneath them and how it had frozen their skin to the touch, nor did he hear the hazy hum of the insects around them. It was just Zayn and Harry.

"Thanks for being my best friend, too." Harry whispered, the reply that they hadn't heard, tenderly.

"Always, Harry." Zayn smiled that wide smile that made the bridge of his nose crinkle with glee.

15/02/2017

I guess, in part, I wasn't really lying when I said that it was all about maturing. In life, you have to do it and with maturing, comes understanding and letting go.

Letting go may - it does, it will always hurt a lot but you don't have to forget once you let go and you don't have to be angry anymore. There's only pain that comes from anger, so in saying that I think what matters is: what it is that you let go off, not who. Letting go of that anger was what needed to be done because it was like crushing a flower and then trying to put the petals back in place without a wilt or wrinkle in sight.

It may be a stale staying, but time really did heal wounds. Not in the sense that anyone was completely recovered and good to go, no. It will always be with us - a part of us - but it gave me better ways to cope with things, it understands the ups and downs and doesn't care about if I backtrack on my way forward... I understand things (some things - not all) now... this is just all a part of life.

I couldn't really forget about Zayn ... Being friends with him, putting whatever relationship we had aside, he was one of the best people I had in my life - and we both didn't have many of those. So, it was stupid to just try and write him out. It was wrong of me to be a dick towards him, have my friends be dicks towards him.

Love is a double edged sword, it either goes right and leaves your heart bursting with joy or, horribly wrong - but you have to risk it.. most people are willing to take the risk and I'm glad that I was one of them. Because the thing is, even when it can go horribly wrong, our hearts are resilient enough to heal if we allow it to. You can't let the hiccups of life turn your heart hard, and Zayn showed me that from day one, his heart always stayed soft - to this day, in times of heartache or anything, it stayed soft. I just didn't take notice.

Zayn helped me realise and understand that you don't protect your heart by pretending that it doesn't exist.

'It's the halves that halved us in half, where all of our gory bits were exposed for the taking.'

I get it now.

I watched you hold her hand that day
I heard you say those words
I felt you push me far away
But maybe I did first

I tried to say how sorry I was
I tried to make it right
You didn't care, you didn't pause
You were putting up a fight

Now, I see what I did wrong
What I made of us
Now we're stuck singing these songs
Making such a fuss

I took for granted what we had
I thought it was a fling
Now your silence drives me mad
And all I do is sing

Sing to you is what I'll do until you come right back
As a friend, is good enough
You gave me what I lack

You thought you were in love with her
You marked your arm with devotion
It wasn't until with liquor we were
You told me I made you feel emotion

Emotions that she couldn't touch,
But you thought that you could feel
You gave each other ever so much
But it was never real

Your art means the world to you
It shows such journey
I'm represented there too
The memories how they burn me

You said you won't cover the scars
You'll let them bleed free
But yet you went and covered your star
And still let me be

I couldn't speak about you after you left
It was like acid on my tongue
Understand we were all bereft
We had all been stung

I won't stay mad, never more again, it was foolish of me to be
It wasn't your fault, neither mine
Zayn, I still love you, can't you see

But now we've grown from our past
Learnt the ins-and-outs of life
Found that perfection is a farce
And so we buried the strife

I watched her hold your hand that day
I heard her say those words
And though hurt it may
I realise that now you're free as a bird

I love you, Zayn, I always will
No matter what may come and change
Even when taking separate paths
Stay the same will be our lanes

You're a part of me and I of you so,
No matter how far our hearts shall roam
I know that you will always be there for me
To make it feel like home