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Most nights Caleb works six-to-six at the hospital. He trudges into his apartment at seven AM and makes himself something to eat. He’s never been sure whether to call it breakfast or dinner. He can only keep his eyes open for about an hour before he peels off his scrubs and drags himself to his bed. A twist of sunlight sneaks in between the heavy curtains on his window but it doesn’t bother Caleb, he’s already dreaming of hospital hallways and fluorescent lights.
The loneliness weighs on him but makes it easy to sleep. Caleb tries to ignore it the best he can. He goes out with friends sometimes when he gets the shorter ten o’clock shift, but he hates the feeling of leaving the best of the night behind when he slips away in time to get to work. On occasion, he gets an earlier shift and goes out by himself when he gets off. But by two AM only the dregs remain. Everyone still out at that hour is already drunk and all Caleb can do is catch up as quickly as he can. Days are hazy and nights are colored headache gray.
Anna is all a-flutter. She comes to Caleb’s apartment to have some coffee with him before she goes to work and he goes to sleep. Now Anna has a friend, she says, a friend who works security at a senior home.
“He works nights,” she adds significantly, sipping from her mug. “He works nights and he’s off Wednesdays, just like you.”
Caleb smiles tolerantly at his coffee as he swirls it with his spoon. Anna wants to know if she has the go ahead to invite him along when they go out together Wednesday night.
“It would be the whole group of us, so it wouldn’t be awkward or pressured.”
Caleb tells her to go ahead. At this point, he’ll take anything that’s tossed at him.
He wakes up late Wednesday afternoon and showers. He draws curly-cues in the fog on the mirror with his forefinger before wiping it all away. His beard has grown thick and he could probably use a haircut on top, but the beard is all he can address right now. He trims it and makes it look neat again. He wrestles his fingers through the wet curls on his head and tries not to think about that little extra roundness in his stomach and upper arms. In the end, he just rolls his eyes and gives up. Everyone’s meeting at nine so he switches on the TV and zones out until it’s time to get up and get dressed.Then a soft, solid olive flannel shirt and a pair of jeans are settled on after a small deliberation. He slips on his shoes and throws on a coat and pauses just a second at the door to regret agreeing to this evening one last time.
The guy who works nights is tall, broad-shouldered and shy. His name is Ben. He’s got pretty eyes and a sweet smile but he doesn’t say much. He knows it’s a set-up. They both know and it makes eye-contact weird and conversation difficult. But Caleb doesn’t really care. If they end up getting drunk and stumbling over one another into somebody’s apartment he won’t argue. Caleb might not care about him or even know him but it might be nice to feel something again. Just for a little while. And if it doesn’t happen? Oh well, might as well get this over with and get home to the sleepless dark.
Ben’s talking now, cajoled into telling a story of something funny that happened to him at the senior home. He starts off awkwardly, obviously uncomfortable with being the center of attention. But as he gets into the explanation of the story, his hands lift from his lap and he gestures with his speech, gaining confidence. Caleb’s laughing along with the others, and Ben’s breaking into smiles while he talks. Caleb starts to feel fuzzy inside when Ben’s eyes catch his this time. He knows it’s a just a mix of touch-starved loneliness and Ben’s long lashes but then again, it is nice to feel something.
The evening was fun, better than expected. They all hover on the sidewalk outside of the bar because they’re all ready to leave but not quite ready to say goodnight. Anna’s a little drunk and Selah tells everyone with a laugh that he’d better get her home. The group breaks, chiming "good nights." Caleb’s ready to resign until Ben offers to walk home with him.
“You don’t have to do that, it’s a long walk.” Caleb protests politely.
Ben shrugs. “What else am I supposed to do? Go home and sleep?”
Caleb laughs. Jokes like that are stupid when they come from other people, but this time it’s funny because they both know what it’s like. They laugh a lot on the walk back. Ben’s funny in an understated, sarcastic way. Their arms brush up against one another as they walk, it sobers them a little each time. Ben must be lonely, too. Caleb feels his heart wrench a little at the thought. But a lonely heart is easily wrenched and he tells himself not to be stupid about this.
They sit on Caleb’s floor and play cards on the coffee table and drink wine out of tumblers. They keep making mistakes in the game because neither of them are really paying attention. The conversation flows easily, Caleb doesn’t have to think about what he says and he likes that. Ben’s so pretty in the low golden glow from the little lamp in the corner of the room. His head ducks a little when he laughs and his hands pass over his eyes a lot. It looks habitual, like an unconscious need to cover his face when he feels nervous. Caleb likes him, and notices that by the end of an hour Ben isn’t covering his face so often. Neither of them have taken a turn in the card game for a good fifteen minutes. Caleb is telling stories about the hospital and Ben has drawn his knees up and hooked his arms around them, just listening.
It’s well after two AM. At this point, Ben either leaves or stays and they’re both feeling the weight of it. Caleb unfolds himself and asks if Ben wants anything more to drink. No, so Caleb picks up the glasses and takes them to the kitchen sink to rinse them. Ben flicks at the cards on the table but doesn’t get up. Caleb turns off the water and his hand stays on the faucet knob. When he exhales he deflates a little.
“What’s the matter?” Ben’s words tug at him with soft concern after a moment.
“Do you ever ask yourself, ‘What am I doing wrong?’”
“All the time,” Ben says in a small voice.
“This can’t be how it’s supposed to be always, is it? When I’m not happy?”
“I hope not.”
Caleb shakes himself and apologizes. He didn’t mean to make it weird. Ben tells him it’s not weird and gets up to come into the kitchen. Caleb can see he’s faltering. He wants to bring comfort but he doesn’t know what to say. He’s so sweet. Caleb wants to kiss him, badly. They’ve both been circling around the idea since the evening started. It might as well be now, with Ben standing just inches from his left shoulder, studying Caleb’s hand where it rests on the counter top. Caleb leans in a little, letting his shoulder press into Ben’s chest. He lets Ben look up and draw in a little before leaning the rest of the way. Everything feels warm and wonderful while Ben works a hand into his hair. Caleb’s glad he didn’t have time for a haircut. And he thinks it’s funny, later, that he was worried about that roundness in his stomach and arms. Ben didn’t seem to notice much less mind. There’s a long surgical scar just beneath Ben’s right rib cage that looks like it can’t be that old. Caleb didn’t think about it twice.
By now the room’s turning blue. Ben inhales sharply through his nose as he rouses from half-sleep. His head lifts from Caleb’s chest and he asks if he should go. Caleb urges him to stay.
“It’s almost morning. Time to sleep. You should get some sleep before you try to get home.”
No argument comes from Ben. Caleb is pretty sure it’s a little too early to have the “I really like you” conversation but he guesses he’ll just have to bide his time on that. He can keep Ben for now and at least ask him before he leaves if he’d like to do something again sometime.
“I normally can’t sleep until after the sun’s up,” Ben says, nestling his head in the dip of Caleb’s shoulder. “But I might fall asleep early today.”
Caleb never sleeps on his back but with Ben in his arms, he goes out like a light. They’re fast asleep when by the time that twist of sunlight comes through the curtains again. Outside the city wakes and bustles with the morning. Selah’s dragging Anna out of a hangover in time to get her out the door. People are buying coffees and some of them are already late for work. Caleb wakes for a few moments around ten and smiles at the feeling of Ben’s arm tucked around him. Daysleeping isn’t so bad when you’ve got somebody sleeping next to you.