Chapter Text
Camp Campbell
A play by Preston Goodplay
Scene one
(we open on PRESTON GOODPLAY, sitting in the mess hall with his friends, NERRIS and HARRISON. NERRIS and HARRISON are arguing, again.)
NERRIS
It's not real magic, Harrison!
HARRISON
My magic is real. Yours isn't.
NERRIS
Oh really? Well, let's see-
PRESTON
(Looking up from writing his wonderful play) Guys, can't we all get along?
(MAX enters, holding a coffee mug. He is as angry as usual. He glances down at what PRESTON is writing.)
MAX
What the fuck are you writing? Is that what I'm saying?
PRESTON
Oh, Max. You are too naive to appreciate my art.
MAX
Your art is shitty. (He takes a sip of coffee.)
PRESTON
(after being hit with a fantastic idea) Then why don't you edit it?
MAX
Okay, sure! Fine, whatever. (Preston! Write what actually happened if you want this to be so accurate!- Max)
PRESTON
Great. I'll bring it to your tent when it's finished.
(MAX exits.)
NERRIS
You're really gonna let Max edit your play? (I'm insulted.- Max)
PRESTON
Nerris, please. What could possibly go wrong?
(The scene changes to MAX, NIKKI, and NEIL as they eat breakfast.) (Were you spying on us?- Max)
MAX
I have to edit some fucking script. It's idiotic. (You WERE spying! I said these exact words!- Max)
NEIL
I can do it for you. I like editing. (What the fuck, this is word for word correct.- Max)
MAX
No, I'll do it. I want to see how bad it is.
NIKKI
I think it'll be great!
(End of scene one.)
Scene two
(PRESTON enters, followed by DOLPH.)
DOLPH
Please, Preston? I really want to paint the sets! (I refuse to believe that he actually offered to do that.- Max)
PRESTON
For the last time, NO! My sets are fine.
DOLPH
Oh, fine.
(He exits as NERRIS and HARRISON enter, bickering.)
HARRISON
Preston! Who do you think is the real magician here? Be honest. (I think that they're both idiots. Also, capitalize the beginnings of your sentences!- Max)
PRESTON
Well, it's clearly...
(NEIL storms onstage.)
NEIL
HARRISON! (Wait, what? When was this?- Max)
(HARRISON turns worriedly to NEIL.)
HARRISON
Neil! What... what brings you here?
NEIL
You know DAMN WELL what brings me here! Where is it? (Oh, I know what this is.- Max)
HARRISON
Oh, your computer? I may have... accidentally... made it...
NEIL
(angrily) Harrison...
HARRISON
Disappear.
NEIL
HARRISON, YOU- (the author chose to censor this part.) (That's no fucking fun.- Max)
HARRISON
I'M SORRY!
(he runs offstage, pursued by NEIL.)
NERRIS
I think I win by default.
(she exits in the opposite direction. PRESTON is alone.)
PRESTON
And once again, I am alone. Though really, aren't we all alone in the end? Aren't all relationships supposed to come to an end at one point or another? Until we die, and then we are truly alone, floating, lost through time and space with no purpose or meaning until we fade away into nothingness, just like everything else, in an unchanging cycle. (I'm gonna stop you right there. Also, run on sentence.- Max)
(End of scene two.)
Scene three
(Jesus, how long is this play?- Max) (We open on MAX and PRESTON, in MAX and NEIL's tent.)
MAX
In conclusion, your grammar is fucking terrible and you're a spying creep. But I guess now I know what happens when I'm not around- are you still writing? I thought it was over!
PRESTON
(while writing) Max, please. I'm barely done with act one and this is a three act play. Will you still edit it?
MAX
I guess, but you owe me.
PRESTON
Wonderful! Thank you!
(PRESTON exits.)
MAX
Well, I guess that's over. I'm gonna go find Neil. (What the fuck? Did you stand outside my tent to hear this?- Max)
(MAX exits.)
(End of scene three.)
Scene four
(DAVID and GWEN enter.) (You spied on the counselors? Oh, this is gonna be good.- Max)
DAVID
I'm just worried about him, Gwen.
GWEN
It's not our problem.
DAVID
But he seemed really upset. If his parents really don't care about him enough, then that's neglect. (Wait... Is this about me?- Max)
GWEN
David. There is nothing we can do.
DAVID
We could call somebody. I just think he deserves better. He's a good kid.
GWEN
Let's see what happens at the end of camp, okay?
DAVID
Okay.
(they exit. End of scene four.) (Preston, please, delete this scene.- Max)
---
Preston stares at his script. Max wants him to delete a scene? But he'd checked, and the grammar was perfect. He'd copied this conversation down word for word. What could be disliked?
Then Preston notices the tear stains on the page. Reads the conversation again. Thinks about Max's notes.
Slowly, he tears the page in half.
---
Scene four
(MAX, NIKKI, NEIL, and ERED enter. NIKKI is talking to ERED while NEIL and MAX hang back to watch.)
NIKKI
So, I really think, extreme sports could be more extreme. We need some fire!
ERED
Yeah, Nikki. That's a really cool idea.
NIKKI
Really? Thanks!
(they exit.)
MAX
Huh. I guess the whole being herself thing worked.
NEIL
Yep. It seems like she's impressing her crush. (Preston, I think Nikki wants to keep that secret.- Max)
MAX
You wanna go break another window?
NEIL
Yeah, sure.
(they exit. End of scene four.)
Scene five
(PRESTON enters with SPACE KID.)
SPACE KID
Okay, okay, what if we had a star show?
PRESTON
No.
SPACE KID
Laser light show?
PRESTON
No.
SPACE KID
Can't we just do something spacey?
PRESTON
No! Go away!
(SPACE KID exits. PRESTON is alone onstage.)
PRESTON
Well, this is my life now. Taking requests from children. (You are a child!- Max)
At least I have my stage.
NIKKI (offstage)
WATCH OUT!
(a rock hits the lights on the stage. PRESTON moves back as the lights fall, bringing a curtain with them. There's a large dent in the stage.)
PRESTON
MY STAGE! NO!
(the lights go out. This is the end of act one.) (Thank god. Sorry about your stage, by the way.- Max)
---
Max hands Preston the script.
"Thanks. For deleting scene four," Max says.
"I didn't like it anyways," Preston lies.
"Are you still going to write the other two acts?"
"Of course."
Max turn to the door of Preston's tent and stands.
"I'll still edit it." Max exits. As he leaves, Preston swears he sees him smile just a little bit.