Chapter Text
TheWriter has added dragonlover_, fenris, PirateQueen, hallahugger, gaurd_captain, and SerPounceAlot to the chat
dragonlover_: varric what the fuck
TheWriter has named the chat “garrett eats ass”
dragonlover_: VARRIC
PirateQueen: dont even pretend like it isnt true hawke
hallahugger: Ohh hello everyone!!
PirateQueen: hello kitten
fenris: what,, is this varric?
gaurd_captain: I’d like to know what you’ve put me in.
TheWriter: I just wanted to have a chat with all my friends in it! Is that so bad?
fenris: i know exactly 2 of the people in this chat varric
TheWriter: Exactly! Its so you guys can get to know each other!
dragonlover_: who in the everloving fuck is ‘SerPounceAlot’???????
SerPounceAlot: my cat
hallahugger: YOU HAVE A CAT NAMED SER POUNCE ALOT????
SerPounceAlot: yes
hallahugger: IS HE A REAL KNIGHT??
hallahugger: OH DOES HE HAVE A LITTLE SWORD?? OR JUST HIS CLAWS??????
SerPounceAlot: im not sure if youre making fun of me or not
PirateQueen: merrill couldnt make fun of something if she tried
hallahugger: What? Yes i can!
dragonlover_: none of this has answered my question
fenris: yes who are you people
fenris: i know varric and isabela but no one else
SerPounceAlot: im Anders
hallahugger: My name is Merrill!!
gaurd_captain: Aveline
SerPounceAlot: based on the other messages ill guess that dragonlover_ is called Garrett?
dragonlover_: yes but i normally go by Hawke ;0
fenris: ah well i am Fenris
SerPounceAlot: yeah that was kind of obvious
fenris: shut up i am not very creative when it comes to usernames
dragonlover_: GASP VARRIC
TheWriter: yes?
dragonlover_: CAN I ADD BETHY N CARVER???
TheWriter: Sure?
dragonlover_ has added hawkebrother and Bethy_Boo to the chat
hawkebrother: Garrett what the fuck is this
dragonlover_: a group chat
dragonlover_: with me n varrics friends
fenris: we just met we are not friends
dragonlover_: i feel attacked
Bethy_Boo: Why is the chat called “garrett eats ass”
PirateQueen: bc he does
dragonlover_: everyone is being so mean to me i cant believe this
TheWriter: Tragic
hawkebrother: How do you even know these people??
hawkebrother: Who the fuck is SerPounceAlot?????
SerPounceAlot: my fucking cat
SerPounceAlot ‘s name has been changed to whothefuckisSerP
PirateQueen: fuck i ran out of characters
whothefuckisSerP: MY FUCKING CAT
whothefuckisSerP: hes my fucking cat i already hate all of you
TheWriter: I should not have given you admin privileges
TheWriter: And to answer your question Carver (most of these people you know) I met Anders while I was in Ferelden for work and Isabela matched with fenris on tinder believe it or not
PirateQueen: worst date of my life tbh
fenris: it was not a date.
hallahugger: ooooooo did something dirty happen
PirateQueen: unfortunately no because halfway through the date he fucking realized he was gay
PirateQueen: it was magical
fenris: someone delete me from the chat please
dragonlover_: FKNSKLM MOOD
Bethy_Boo: Thats not unlike how Hawkes first date went
dragonlover_: bethany hawke dont you fucking dare
Bethy_Boo: He came home crying because as the date was ending his date said that he “might have to go into therapy after that experience”
TheWriter: How do you fuck up that badly
hawkebrother: I remember this he said it was because they 1. Saw the most disturbing horror movie in the world and that 2. The restaurant they went to was run by the fucking mafia and they were 80% sure they heard someone get shot in the back room
dragonlover_: dont forget that he also said that making out with me was worse than making out with a dog which i cannot believe because dogs give amazing kisses and im fairly sure my kissing game was and is better than a dogs ://
PirateQueen: nvm that beats it tell fenris he can come back from his corner of shame
dragonlover_: does that mean i have to go into the corner of shame in his place?
PirateQueen: yes
dragonlover_: well fuck
fenris: that does not beat the worst date i have had
dragonlover_: HOW
fenris: i had two dates with this person because i am a fool but the first time she told me to pick her up and we could go get lunch. she sends me her address and i head over but when i got there it was a trailer park which wasnt a very big deal i assumed it was due to financial reasons. i then found out that she lived with her parents which again wasnt a big deal but her mother insisted that we stay at their place for lunch.
dragonlover_: oh jesus shitting christ
fenris: i didnt know what to do so i agreed and her mother began to reheat a casserole from several weeks before hand. while this was happening my date kept commenting on how short i was
whothefuckisSerP: wait how short are you
fenris: i am an average height for an elf
fenris: anyways she was only a little bit taller than me but she kept putting her hand on my head and saying something like “is it different being a short person?” and it was really awkward but i just said “no it isnt very different i imagine”
dragonlover_: as a tall person i would like to make it clear that the world would be different if i was not tall
dragonlover_: but was it i-think-we-just-heard-someone-get-shot-in-the-backroom awkward or i-just-turned-my-date-gay awkward
fenris: probably in the middle
fenris: but it gets worse
Bethy_Boo: How could it get worse???
fenris: well as we were eating this reheated casserole her mother started asking me about my tattoos which i do not like talking about so i was trying in vain to change the subject and eventually my date shouted “CANT YOU SEE YOURE MAKING HIM UNCOFORTABLE?” and dragged me to her room where she asked “do you want to like watch some anime or something?”
dragonlover_: YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID YES AND PUT ON BOKU NO PICO
hawkebrother: GARRETT NO
hallahugger: What is that is it good?
PirateQueen: kitten no
dragonlover_: merrill please do not watch that jfc
hallahugger: :(
fenris: ANYWAYS without waiting for an answer she put on death note which is,,, palatable i suppose so we sat there watching death note until i made some excuse to leave. as i was getting in my car she said that when he have our next date i should go to her church which i tried to refuse but you can guess what date number 2 was
dragonlover_: i cant believe you had 2 whole dates with this person
fenris: just wait the second date was far worse
Bethy_Boo: Again, how could it get any worse??
fenris: well it turns out her church was in the middle of nowhere so she drove me there and it took well over 3 hours to get there. when we got out of the car we were at this creepy looking barn thing i was 100% convinced that she was going to kill me and as we walked behind the building we see about 10 hooded figures standing in a circle and i bolt. i ran straight back to my car because that was some white nonsense right there and i was not going to be their victim.
dragonlover_: WHAT THE FUUUUUCKK OH MY GOD
fenris: she tried to explain to me that she thought i was holy or something because i have dark skin and white hair so her and her cult thought i could be a part of their next ritual or something. i had to drive the full 3 hours back to the city with this person
PirateQueen: WHAT THE SHIT
dragonlover_: you have white hair what
fenris: yes but it is dyed
fenris 's name has been changed to mycultssacrifice
mycultssacrifice: i do not appreciate
PirateQueen: but yeah fenris is fucking hot
dragonlover_: holy shit
TheWriter: Speaking of weird dates remember when Hawke essentially went on a date with Aveline’s husband
gaurd_captain: Oh my god.
dragonlover_ ‘s name has been changed to HomeWrecker
HomeWrecker: listen here fuckwits
HomeWrecker: it was avelines idea and they werent married @ the time
mycultssacrifice: this i want to hear
HomeWrecker: so aveline was having a hard time asking out her crush and she asked me to help by 1. giving him fucking copper marigolds???????
gaurd_captain: THEY WERE SYMBOLIC
HomeWrecker: SYMBOLIC MY ASS HE THOUGHT I WAS HANDING HIM GARBAGE
HomeWrecker: 2. made me change his assignment and he got mad at that and thought it was a punishment
gaurd_captain: IT WAS A SAFE ROUTE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN IMPROVMENT
HomeWrecker: and 3. making me take him to the bar and then aveline would casually saunter up and make her move BUT NO INSTEAD SHE BAILED AND HE THOUGHT I WAS MAKING A MOVE ON HIM
gaurd_captain: We are never speaking of this again.
PirateQueen: it was beautiful
hawkebrother: I, unfortunately, remember that.
gaurd_captain: I’m leaving.
HomeWrecker: whaaatt noooo aveline
mycultssacrifice: i have to go as well i start my shift soon.
TheWriter: Yeah me and Hawke should go too.
HomeWrecker: ????? what
TheWriter: Remember? You’re forcing me to go looking for dragons with you
HomeWrecker: OH YEAH LETS GO FIND SOME FUCKING DRAGONS