Work Text:
Maybe I should think before I talk
I get emotional and the words come out all wrong
Sometimes I'm more honest than I want
So maybe I should think before, maybe next time I'll think before I talk
(think before i talk x astrid s)
The first few months after they’ve moved in together, life is sunshine and red roses.
They managed to get unpacked pretty quickly after moving in and Isak takes pride in how lived in their home looks already. They have a TV and nightstand, filled with Even’s favorite DVD collection and Isak’s favorite video games. They have their drawings taped all over the wall that separates the living/bedroom from the kitchen, where there’s a sink that’s more often than not filled with dishes. There are more clothes strewn across the floor than there in the drawers and no matter how many times Isak or Even try to clear off the bathroom sink, it always looks messy.
But it feels like home and that’s all that really matters.
He's figured after living essentially on his own for the better part of a year at the Kollektivet, he could handle living on his own with his boyfriend. He figured it would be easier even, because he wouldn’t have to share responsibilities and groceries with three other people and they could have sex as often and as loudly as they wanted.
But he never realized just quite how much Eskild and Noora, and even Linn, did for him. He never realized how many bills they took care of and how fast the first of the month can come around. Rent isn’t as much of a problem anymore, since Even’s parents have set up a joint account with him and Isak’s father has finally learned the beauty of online banking and wires his share of the rent a week before its due.
It’s the utilities, it’s the cable, it’s the everything else Isak always knew you had to pay for but never actually knew you had to pay for that’s the problem.
The first bill he misses is the cable bill.
He’s the one who gets home earlier than Even most days and he’s the one who picks up the mail most days. At the end of their first week in their apartment comes their first bill.
Isak looks at the statement, frowning at the installation cost, but makes a mental note to show it to Even when he got home around dinnertime and goes about the rest of his day.
He does his biology homework, he makes flashcards for his test in Italian and Norwegian, he opens his Calculus textbook and pretends to read it. He’s feeling so proud of himself for staying on top of his assignments that by the time Even comes home from his shift at Kafebrenneriet, he boasts about his productivity and demands that Even shower him with love and affection.
It’s safe to say that Isak forgets to remind him about the bill that night. And the next night. And the next night. And the next night. And the next night and so on and so forth when another bill comes in the mail and Isak’s the one to pick it up that day.
It’s their utilities bill – charging them for their month’s use of heat, gas, and water – and this one makes Isak’s face scrunch up. Can you really charge someone this much money for something I can get for free if I just go to the ocean with a bucket and bring it back?
He decides he’s going to check the legality of this bill later – after he does his part of his biology project with Sana – and remind Even about this and the cable bill after.
“Hey baby, did you get the mail today?” Even asks days later on a Friday night before he’s about to go to his shift. Isak’s bored and moody, bored because he’s going to be alone for the night and moody because Even’s actually planning on leaving him alone for the night. He could go to a pregame with Jonas and the boys, but it involves taking a taxi out to Drøbak before going out to another party in Drøbak hosted by a friend of Jonas’s friend whom he met in primary school.
So while it is completely his fault that he’s lonely and refuses to hang out with anyone but Even or the boys, it doesn’t mean he has to like it.
Isak’s about to sigh and pout dramatically that he’s feeling unloved right now when a lightbulb goes off in the back of his head. “Oh. Wait, yeah, we didn’t get anything today but I think the cable and utilities bill came in a couple days ago.”
Even’s already late for his shift – because Isak is needy and in love and just likes kissing his boyfriend’s neck – so he doesn’t ponder too much on the subject. “We did? Did you take care of them?”
Isak frowns, sitting up on the bed. “Huh?”
“Did you pay them?”
Somewhere in the back of his mind Isak was aware that you had to pay bills, but at the same time Isak never actually realized you had to pay bills. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he just figured that they took care of themselves on their own if the money was all set in his bank account. “Oh. Uh, nei. I can do that?”
Even smiles at him fondly, kissing his both of cheeks, before grabbing his keys. “You’re so cute. Text Mamma that they came in and send her pictures of them, and she can take care of it if you want or show you how. I gotta go, but I love you!”
Isak rolls his eyes but quietly whispers the sentiment back as Even’s slipping out the door. Silence takes over the room and he wonders how much he’ll fuck up his sleeping schedule if he just sleeps until Even gets back, when he remembers the bills.
He can’t quite remember where he put them, becoming quickly disheartened when he realizes they’re not in his direct line of sight. He darts around the apartment, looking under all of the stray papers lying around, under the bed, behind the dirty clothes hamper (which only 60% of their dirty clothes actually end up), even in the bathroom and in the drawers of the bathroom – but for the life of him, he can’t remember where he put them.
Isak thinks back to the day he got the cable bill and tries to recall whatever he was doing that made him forget all about it in the first place and oh.
He remembers Even kissing him that night – as he does every night – but up and down his body, leaving love marks everywhere he could, taking his time with Isak that night.
“Be proud of me.” Isak had said smugly, showing off his flash-cards. “I did this all in an hour and I even warmed up the leftovers from last night, so you’d have something hot to eat when you got home. We’re meant to live together. We’re perfect together.”
Even laughed that magical, musical, wonderful laugh of his and kissed Isak over the hot dinner plate that covered his homework and –
“Ah-ha!” Isak exclaims loudly, in a silent room all by himself.
Even was the one who had put the dishes away that night so he must have seen the bills underneath the plates and forgotten about them. He’s the more organized of the two because he likes routine and knowing where things are. He has a special drawer in the kitchen where he puts all of his important documents, like his therapist appointment dates, the information for his meds, his University applications, blah blah blah.
Just as Isak suspects, there are two envelopes in the drawer (under a few of Even’s personal papers) with the bills neatly tucked inside. The envelopes are crisp and clean, as if they haven’t been opened since the last time Isak opened them, which is a fair assumption and –
Oh.
Fy faen.
What’s today’s date?
Ignoring the multiple messages from the group chat with the boys that have come through on his phone, Isak checks the date and curses loudly.
They’re late paying the cable bill.
His stomach curls with worry as his eyes scan over the late payment policy,
You will be charged a fee of 150 kroner as a late payment fee;
Isak quickly breathes out a sigh of relief – 150 kroner isn’t that bad, that’s just a couple of video games he can try to sell online or to Jonas – when he finishes reading the statement.
for each subsequent day your payment is late, 75 kroner will be charged to your account.
II.
“Okay, it’s just five days.” Even says calmly when he returns home that night to find Isak, in a frazzled panic, price-checking all of his favorite video games and snapbacks on the internet.
“575 kroner we wouldn’t have had to pay if I hadn’t forgotten about the bills!”
Even opens his mouth to say something, but evidently no words come to his mind. “It’s – it’s okay. It’s just the first time. Maybe we can even dispute it – “
“Your mother is going to hate me!” Isak exclaims, revealing the real problem at hand. Fuck what the cable company thinks, Even's mother was already hesitant about the two of them moving in so soon together. And sure while she does have a soft spot for Isak, because he makes Even happy, that doesn't mean she's willing to watch her son go up in flames because his boyfriend is a scatterbrained mess sometimes. “She’s going to realize that I’m an irresponsible teenager who can barely take care of himself, much less her own son, and she’s going to – “
“Shhh, shhh,” Even says, wrapping his arms around Isak’s neck and pulling him into a tight hug. “Baby, it's fine, it’s not the end of the world. It’s the first time we’ve both ever lived on our own and we’re going to make mistakes. It’s okay! You’ll just make sure it won’t happen and everything will be fine.”
III.
It does happen again, though.
It happens again because the closer they get to summer and freedom, the more stressed out and forgetful they both become.
Isak forgets to show Even the outrageous utilities bill until Even’s mother calls him about it. Even forgets to tell Isak about the electrician he called to fix their faulty outlets in the bathroom that Isak wasn’t even aware of didn’t work. Isak forgets to call his father about the increased price in their cable bill because of the past two late payments and Even’s parents have to cover the difference. Even forgets that Isak’s used to living with three other roommates, always scrounging for food and becoming extremely territorial over the food he buys.
The first few months after they’ve moved in together, life is sunshine and red roses – with the occasional thunderstorms in between.
IV. you know i really love you baby
i didn't mean to start a war
“Baby, I can’t remember every single thing in the universe!”
“But the important stuff, the time-sensitive stuff, Isak, you have to try – “
“I am!”
“You forgot to show me the cable bill, the utilities bill, the noise complaint from our landlord, the noise complaint from our next door neighbour, the cable bill again, and we can recover from those things Isak, we can work around those things, but letters from my therapist?”
Isak already feels horrible enough and he’s apologized multiple times for accidentally forgetting to leave the letter from Even’s therapist in the kitchen drawer where Even keeps all his personal records, but he’s not entirely convinced that he’s the only one at fault in this situation. If Even’s therapist needed his consent and signature to change his dose of medication so badly, why didn’t she email him a follow-up? Why didn't she call him? Why did she only rely on snail mail – the least reliable form of communication – to get in touch when they have meetings once a month?
Isak’s pointed this out already but it does nothing to soothe Even’s mood or calm the situation at hand. “Isak, you have to take responsibility here, too. We’re both adults now and we have to pull our own weight every once in a while.”
“So then don’t talk to me like I’m a child!” Isak snaps, not very fond or attracted to Even's condescending tone. “I’m your boyfriend, not your little brother.”
Even sighs and presses his fingers to his nose, which only further irritates Isak. “I’m stressed out too, you know! I have my own summer applications and exams and final papers coming up too, to keep track of. It’s not like I’m trying to forget, Even, I just do.”
V. and i know there's a line but i crossed it
and i pray that it won't leave a scar
“It’s really not that big of a deal, Isak.”
“It is to me!” Isak shouts back.
Forty-five minutes ago when Even came back home, they were kissing and rubbing circles in the other’s palms, and now they’re yelling at each other frustrated and annoyed from the past four months of pent-up tensions. Isak’s fairly convinced they’re going to receive another noise complaint, except this time he hates the reasoning behind it.
“You’ve never had to fend for yourself at home so when you take my food without asking or without replacing it, it does bother me and it is a big deal to me! I don’t have a lot, but I do have little things – like food - and I care about them.”
“It was a box of crackers – “
“It was my box of crackers yesterday, it was my six-pack of beer last week and my bottle of soda the week before that – don't you see a pattern here? These things add up!”
“But this same rule doesn’t apply to all the bills you let pile up without telling me?”
“You’re the one saying I need to take responsibility, but that same rule doesn’t apply to you!?”
“So now this is all my fault?”
“Are you trying to say it’s mine?”
“You can’t answer a question with a question.”
“Who’s being the child now?”
VI. You know I'm not good under pressure
Guess hurting you is hurting me
“The boys are here more than I am half the time!”
“Jesus Christ, Even, that doesn’t even mean anything.”
They're pacing around each other, nearly an hour into their heated argument. Isak's close to ripping out all of his blond curls.
“Yes it does! They eat more in an hour than you and I combined in an entire week, but you’re upset because I finished less than a quarter of what you had left in your crackers – “
“It’s not just about the crackers!”
“– they’re the ones who are always turning up the heat – the reason for our astronomically high utilities bill, plus the fact it was, you know, late – so instead of getting mad at me for just pointing out a tiny fact that you have to be more responsible sometimes, why not make them pay the damn bills?”
“Why don’t you get your head out of your ass and check the mail sometimes if you’re so responsible?!” Isak argues, raising his voice to match Even’s.
“I am responsible, Isak, I just didn’t realize I was living with a child.”
When Isak actually was a child, and Mamma and Pappa were arguing so loudly he couldn’t drown out the noise with head phones, he locked himself in his closet (yes he realizes now just how fucking ironic everything turned out to be). He brought his music player and the planetarium projector Pappa had relented to buying him, after months of Isak begging for the awesome toy he saw at the store, inside with him. He’d plug in the projector, letting the universe of stars light up the isolated dark space he had locked himself in, playing some classical piano and jazz music Mamma used to love singing from her old iPod.
But he and Even have no closet in their tiny, homely apartment and he can’t lock himself in the bedroom as there really is no bedroom, much more than a living room area with a mattress, a TV, and a table. He has nowhere to hide himself.
Isak’s anger boils in his veins and he’s glaring at Even now, trying to control the shaking of his shoulders. He has nothing particularly nice he wants to say to his boyfriend, but he’s mature enough to know that “if you don’t have something nice, don’t say it at all!”
So he clenches his teeth, gives Even one last death glare, before spinning around on his heels, grabbing his phone and slamming the door behind him as he leaves the apartment, Even’s voice calling after him.
VII. Maybe next time I'll think before I
Say something I might regret
And I might get too far under your skin
I can't lie, I wish we could try it again
He has no destination in mind.
He could go to Jonas, but Jonas has an exam the next day that he needs to study for and Isak knows he doesn’t want to do it so going over will only make him procrastinate more. He could go to Magnus, but Magnus always chooses Even’s side – to the point where Isak’s getting increasingly concerned that Magnus has a crush on his boyfriend. No, Magnus doesn’t need to know they’ve had a fight.
He could go to Mahdi, but Mahdi lives farther away from him than Magnus and Jonas do and he’d have to get on the tram and then walk even further just to get Mahdi’s neighbourhood, then walk all the way down the gated community just to get to Mahdi’s house.
So he just walks. He takes a few lefts and rights, just to disorient himself, get himself lost for a bit. He’s turned his phone off so he can’t put any directions into his Maps app or receive any calls from a certain someone.
He just wants to get lost.
There’s an ice cream shop that’s around the next block where they’ve always talked about going to, and a small part of Isak wants to go inside just out of spite. The more rational part of him wants this to be one of their many firsts together, a list of things he wants to never end. Their first date to this ice cream shop. Their first vacation together. Their first time painting a bathroom together, building a real home together.
Their first fight together is not something Isak’s necessarily keen on going through in their list of firsts, but the universe has a funny - that’s completely not funny - way of fucking with him.
He makes his way over to a park and plops down on a bench, realizing he didn’t bring his wallet with him. Even if he wants to be petty, he has no way of paying for such an endeavor.
And only now is he beginning to realize that maybe this wasn’t one of his brightest moments, no matter how reasonably dramatic it had seemed when he walked out the door.
But he’s not ready to admit defeat yet. Not when Even was the one who started the argument and treated him like a child he had to fuss over. He’d had enough of Pappa’s lectures and condescending remarks – he didn’t leave his father behind to go find him reincarnated in his boyfriend.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
Isak jumps, startled by the sound of a new voice. He looks up and there’s Eva, perfectly picturesque in front of his view of the Norwegian summer sky. She’s smiling at him, her silhouette made golden by the sunlight beaming behind her.
“Hei.”
“You look lonely.” She observes, sitting down next to him. “What are you doing out here by yourself?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“Touché.” Eva admits with a shrug. She reaches into her backpack and pulls out a carton of Oreos. “Want some?”
Isak reluctantly lets a grin crack onto his face. “Do you really have to ask?”
He reaches over to grab a handful and immediately shoves them in his face.
Eva giggles. “Someone’s hungry. Where’s that handsome boyfriend of yours? Save some for him, too.”
Isak doesn’t recognize at first that his face must’ve morphed into a scowl, until suddenly Eva’s looking at like she knows. “Oh. I see.”
He’s not quite sure what she means by that, seeing as how he hasn’t said a single thing on the topic.
“Well, I’m here waiting for Noora.” Eva says to fill the silence, splitting open her chocolate-frosted Oreo cookies. “It’s kind of a gorgeous day outside, isn’t it? We were thinking about doing homework or something.”
Isak watches her out of the corner of his eye carefully. She’s lying – it’s not kind of a gorgeous day. The wind is harsh for the early weeks of May and Isak’s regretting not bringing his jacket.
There’s a rumour going around about Eva and Noora, ever since William skipped town recently and Penetrator Chris hasn’t been seen around Eva’s house in weeks. Jodel’s reported that Eva and Noora were spotted at a garden somewhere, after dark, under the stars.
Isak decides he’ll wait until Eva’s ready to tell him. Or until she wants to.
It’s her business that roommates can be an unwanted presence sometimes and that her mother’s back in town, a rare occurrence.
“We had a stupid fight.” Isak mumbles, talking as he chews.
“What about?”
“I don’t even know.” Isak sighs and slumps down on the bench. “It started when he got back home from his shift today and decided to get the mail for once. Everything was fine until he opened an invoice from his therapist, regarding a letter she sent like three weeks ago.”
He knows that Even might not appreciate him telling his personal business to anyone, even someone as kind as Eva, so he skips over the part where the letter she sent like three weeks ago was a letter that was very time sensitive because it dealt with insurance providers and higher up professionals to work on changing the dose of his medications – something they couldn’t do without his signature.
And three weeks had gone by without any word from him regarding said signature, so everyone involved in the endeavor had been inconvenienced and moved on and now Even would need to wait another two months before they could get everything scheduled again.
Safe to say, Even was slightly irritated by this.
“So then he starts throwing everything on me – not literally, but like reminding me about every single stupid bill or important letter I’ve forgotten to show him. He starts talking to me like I’m a child and I got annoyed because we’re supposed to be equal in this relationship, and how can I feel equal – or even respected, for that matter – if he’s going to treat me like a child?”
Eva nods, but she doesn’t say anything or let judgment cloud her face. It’s a small nod of encouragement to keep going.
“And then it just escalated from there. Suddenly, neither one of us can’t stop unloading everything that’s been frustrating us. We’re just hurling everything out at each other. I called him out for always eating my food. He called me out not being as fussy with the boys as I am with him about my food. I said something mean to him. He called me a child. Then I left.”
“You just left?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
He turns to her, reaching for more Oreos. “That’s it?”
“What do you want me to say?”
Isak sighs. “I don’t know. Just make everything better.”
She smiles at him sympathetically. “You know relationships are a lot of work, right? Don’t you remember what you told me during the Kosegruppa Christmas party? ‘Even if it means it’ll be absolutely awful at times, it’s still way better than for everything to be fake and boring’?”
He snorts and splits open his Oreos like she did.
“You have to have the bad to have the good. You have to have rain so you can have flowers.”
Isak gives her a look and she bursts out laughing. “Okay, okay, I’ll stay away from the clichés. But it’s true. If you never fought, or argued, there’d be crucial things you didn’t know about each other.”
Isak raises his eyebrow. “Huh?”
“Like the fact that Even’s terrified of growing up and having to be responsible. Look at everything from his perspective – he’s probably stressed about his future and University applications, and he’s jealous that you’re not quite there yet and you don’t have to be. So he takes it out on you, even if he doesn’t really mean to.
“And you,” Eva continues, ignoring Isak’s tiny scoff. “You’re territorial, because you’re afraid that you’re going to lose the things that really matter to you and it’s not about the material possessions that you’re really upset about – it’s the lack of control you have in your life and everything around you.”
Isak scrunches his face and crinkles his nose. “Nei!”
Eva just rolls her eyes and licks the frosting from her cookie. “I know you, Isak. You don’t do well not having control over a situation. It’s perfectly natural so don’t sweat it, but just understand that. Understand that you can’t control everything and Even needs to understand that even though he’s growing up physically and academically before you – it doesn’t mean he’s alone.”
Isak’s mouth opens and closes, like a fish out of water gasping for air.
“Don’t look so surprised. I’ve been in relationships before. I know my shit.” She says the last part in English, her thick Bergan accent bringing a smile to Isak’s lips.
“You’re really smart, Eva.” He tells her, quite aware she needs to hear this more often. He makes a mental reminder to himself to try and tell her whenever he can remember. Whenever he thinks she might need it most.
“I know.”
Her confidence makes him smile and pull out his phone, powering on his device. “Takk, OG buddy.”
Eva bursts out laughing, throwing her head back and letting her curly, wavy hair ripple down her back. “OG buddy. I like that.”
Isak’s about to respond with something witty when his phone immediately starts buzzing and Even’s contact appears on his screen. He holds his finger up to Eva, silently asking her to hold that thought. His tongue is coated with apologies, ready to fire them at will. “Hey, I’m so – “
“Isak!” Even’s voice sounds so relieved over the receiver, like he’s breathless from running marathons. “Isak baby, I’m so sorry, please just tell me you’re okay? You’ve been gone for hours and I’m sorry about everything I've said but please let me know you’re okay.”
“I’m sorry.” Isak says. “I’m okay, though. I’m with Eva. And I shouldn’t have just left you.”
“I shouldn’t have called you a child. I never meant it, I was just – “
“Scared?” Isak supplies, briefly glancing at Eva. “Of the future coming for you too fast?”
“Of the future coming too fast and taking me away from you.”
Even had applied to the Nordisk Institutt for Scene og Studio, which everyone seemed to be fairly certain he had great chances of getting into. But then there’s Universitet i Bergen which his counselors all believe he has equally as amazing chances of getting into.
And then there’s – God forbid, but God bless at the same time – New York University, where Isak hopes with all his heart Even will get into, while at the same prays to any higher power out there in the universe that Even won’t get into.
Bergen is one thing.
The States are another.
“But you have me.” Isak says quietly, as if he were face to face with Even, caressing his cheek. “You always have me. Just like I always have you. No matter what the future brings.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Eva smiling proudly at him.
“Are you coming home?” Even asks and Isak can practically see him pacing. “I mean, if you’re ready?”
“Of course.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
“And Isak?”
“Hm?”
“I love you.”
They have to talk. They have to talk about why Isak has become so forgetful lately and how to cope with their anger when Even’s on edge. They have to talk about tonight, but there’s one thing that’ll never change between them. Three words, eight letters, say it, and I’m yours.
“I love you.”
Eva’s smirking to herself when he finally hangs up the phone. “I should be a miracle worker.”
“Speaking of miracles, isn’t that Noora over there?”
Eva chokes on air while Isak’s smile widens, revealing all of his teeth. “Isak!”
“Eva!” Noora says at the same time Isak mouths her name. “You’re here already. Hei Isak.”
Isak smiles at Noora, when a new text from Even comes in.
It’s practically impossible for Isak’s smile to become any bigger.
He only vaguely pays attention to the conversation transpiring in front of him – for all he knows, Eva and Noora could be planning a joint, top-secret spy mission where they’re planning on wiping out the leader of a terrorist organization that’s infiltrated Oslo, who knows.
“Are you going to stay?” Eva asks him, momentarily bringing him back to reality, and adds with a wink, “If you do, we have milk now to dunk our Oreos in.”
A new text comes in.
Isak practically jumps off the bench and takes off running back in the direction of home, calling back over his shoulder over the laughs of Eva and Noora. “Sounds fun, but I’ve got a beautiful boyfriend waiting back at home for me so bye!”