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In and out. In and out. Michael repeated the mantra in his head over and over as he crouched down to sit on the floor of a bathroom stall. In and out. In and out. It’s fine. Everything is fine. A loud bang resounded through the empty room alerting him to another presence. In and out, Michael. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. He cradled his head in to his arms and gently rocked back forth trying to calm himself down and mostly failing. Through his dazed concentration he registered a toilet flush and the stream of water falling in to the porcelain sink followed by the door once again slamming. It’s okay. You’re okay. He kept a constant flow of affirmations running through his mind. In and out. In and out. His breath began to slowly level out again. This was the third panic attack he’d had this week. This particular one was brought on by the big blocky letters spelling out LOSER on to the front of his backpack. Some dickwad grabbed it from him when he was at his locker and when he tossed it back it had a fun new slogan accompanying it. He waited until they walked off to high tail it to the bathroom before he went in to full panic mode. The trials and tribulations of being an out and proud gay dude in a small town fucking sucked.
Wiping the tears that’d fallen, he stood, dusting the filth of the bathroom floor from his jeans. He exited the stall and headed towards the sinks. The rusty knob creaked as he turned it on and waited for the water to heat up. Michael examined himself in the slightly shattered mirror giving a humorless, breathy chuckle and muttering ‘same’ while looking at it. His eyes looked sunken in and puffy from the crying. His lips were chapped and the bottom one was bleeding from where he’d bitten it too hard. His already unruly hair was sticking each and everyway possible from the death grip he’d had on it. Michael cupped his hands under the warm water and splashed it up on his face. The feeling brought him back to better place reminding him that this was his last day at this certified hellhole masquerading an educational institution.
The move could not come at a better time especially after his fellow student had given him such a heartfelt goodbye written on his backpack. His mom’s had peddled this story about better job opportunities a few towns over but he already knew why. Michael did not talk about school. The only times he did, it was to Jeremy and even then Jeremy had to spend hours convincing him to open up. His mom’s weren’t stupid though and if moving was going to settle their peace of mind and get Michael out of that place, then hell yeah he was down for it.
He grabbed his ruined backpack, slinging it over his shoulder, and headed out to the parking lot. His PT cruiser sat in it’s usual spot looking as battered as he felt. He got in and took a deep breath remembering that once he got home, he could sleep. Sleeping had become his favorite past times in the past two weeks.
He’d heard all the stories from his mom’s about soul mates. They gushed about their love whenever the opportunity presented itself. He enjoyed listening to it, knowing that the two raising him were both strong, incredible women who not only loved him but each other. They were thrilled when Michael told them that he’d sort of met his on his birthday. He’d told them about how they never actually talked but just being there in his basement dreamscape together felt more right than anything else he’d ever felt. With the exception of being friend’s with Jeremy, of course.
After that first night, he’d begun to suspect that maybe, just maybe Jeremy might be his soul mate. Especially after he saw Jenna’s tweet exclaiming that Jeremy had one. Michael had actually taken a screen shot of it and read over it multiple times just to be sure he wasn’t hallucinating. The series of emotions upon reading it went a something like this – hope, excitement, giddiness, doubt, more doubt, a lot more doubt, and finally a certainty that nothing that perfect would ever just fall in lap. He had waited on pins and needles that night hoping that Jere would still get online after rehearsal so he could find out. When he finally did, Jeremy didn’t offer a confirmation exactly about the soul mate thing but his vague dream description sounded awfully familiar. After that came the daily dream descriptions that seemed to line up almost exactly to Michael’s. It was simply just too good to be true and his brain turned to mush attempting to process it. He never once mentioned anything to Jeremy about it though. Michael needed to be sure before opening his mouth and consequently losing the best thing that had ever happened to him. The situation weighed on him heavily until he couldn't stand it anymore. He eventually turned to the next best thing he had to a friend, Christine.
Player 1: Christine! Do you have a minute?
LeadingLady: Of course, Michael. I always have a minute for you!
Player1: You sure know how to woo a man ;-)
LeadingLady: We’re star crossed, Michael, never to be!
Player1: Did you ever hear the rumor that Shakespeare was gay? There’s got to be some truth to that, right? I mean, come on. Tights for days
LeadingLady: I know you're gay and I'm willing to bet you've never worn a pair of tights in your life.
LeadingLady: I actually have heard that though and they’re rather perplexing rumors. He couldn’t have been open even if he was due to the social restrictions at the time but pondering on the idea that he could have been is endlessly fascinating.
Player1: Touche my friend
LeadingLady: Is that what you wanted to talk about?
Player1: As cool as a dead playwrights sexuality might be, no. It’s about Jeremy.
LeadingLady: You want to know about his soul mate, don’t you?
Player1: Has anyone ever told you that your powers of observation border on terrifying?
LeadingLady: I’m going to take that as a compliment. So thank you!
LeadingLady: He’s told you about his dreams?
Player1: He tells me about them everyday in detail.
LeadingLady: Hmmmmm
LeadingLady: Do you have a soul mate, Michael?
Player1: Yes
LeadingLady: And you think it might be Jeremy, right?
Player1:
Player1: Maybe
Player1: They’re exactly the same as mine, every single night!
Player1: I’m worried about ruining everything if I’m wrong about this
LeadingLady: I think that you should talk to him about it. Tell him about your dreams.
Player1: It’s like I already knew you were going to say that
Player1: And I will
Player1: Just not yet
LeadingLady: He loves you, Michael. You won’t ruin anything.
Player1: Thanks christine
LeadingLady: Anytime <3
The conversation with Christine did little to alleviate the anxiety already gnawing at him. He tossed around the idea of having her send him a picture of Jeremy since there was literally no trace of one online but he nixed it. What if she told Jeremy and it weirded him out? The dude already acted like he'd rather die in a house fire than meet up with him. He didn't want there to be more reason for Jeremy to pull away because he was certain that's exactly what'd happen once he told Jeremy what he suspected; not to mention tiny little detail of liking him as much more than just a friend.
Michael spent the Saturday before the big move on Sunday packing and packing meant no gaming and no gaming meant he was bored out of his mind. The drive was only a few hours but shoving a whole house of shit in to a U-haul proved to take twice that long. He avoided Jeremy like the plague. Not because he wanted to but because he didn’t know what in the hell to say. Every time Jeremy talked about the guy in his dream, Michael felt like a part of him ascended to the astral plane and another part just seemingly died. He was already balls deep in love with Jeremy so this was either going to work out or not. But if this really is some cosmic joke, some cruel shenanigan cooked up by the universe, it’d actually pulverize what was left of his spirit. So, he continued being aloof and played the packing/moving card as to not raise suspicion. He even attempted to think of things other than soul mates and his best friend. It worked about as well as he’d thought it would which was not at all.
The move was surprising easy. The house had a pretty chill basement that Michael immediately staked claim to. There was a 7/11 in walking distance for his all of his gas station sushi needs. If the school could not suck then all in all, he’d be okay bar the whole Jeremy could possibly be your soul mate thing. He just really hoped he was. The dude he played with each night had these freckles mapped across his nose and cheeks like stars. He had fluffy brown hair that he knew would feel like silk if he could run his fingers through it and, maybe he was biased, but his eyes were awesome. He had this cute tendency to shake his leg on and off while playing too. Each night made it more difficult to focus on the game and not the adorable human specimen sitting beside him.
They’d spent all of Monday unpacking. For the record, unpacking is 10x worse than packing. If he never had to unpack a box again, it’d be too soon. Then in the blink of an eye, it was Tuesday night. On a normal day, he was already a ball of walking nervousness but that night was terrible. He started his new school tomorrow and he was so fucking scared. He’d managed to not panic about anything since last Friday but his emotions were teetering on the edge now and even slight breeze could push them over. Michael could feel his stomach tying itself in to knots and not just normal knots but those complicated fucking boy scout crafted knots. Those patch winning, military grade knots that separated the boys from the men. His mom’s had ordered him pizza to try and lighten his mood because pizza has obvious curing properties but he threw it up after on two pieces. It was a goddamn tragedy. Another victim of anxiety lay to waste.
He rolled up a joint once he made the trek back downstairs post pizza mutilation. The only time he felt truly calm was either when he was high or when he was talking to Jere. After a few hits, he was thinking about texting the fella in question but when his eyelids had other plans. They started demanding to be shut and then it was KO after that.
Michael smiled looking down at the two beanbag chairs sitting side by side. He took his place on his normal one about the same time he heard footsteps coming up behind him. He watched the boy sit down awkwardly on the chair beside him. It was in that moment that something inside his head shifted and he made a decision. He was going to do it. He was going to talk to him, kiss him, something. Michael prepared himself but before he did anything, the silence between them was broken by a almost yelled “Can I kiss you?” All of his worries instantly fell away because that, friends, was the voice of Jereimah Heere. He’s heard it time and again over the years and he’d never forget it as long as he lived. Jeremy’s hand shot up to his mouth like he hadn’t meant to talk at all. So, Michael took the initiative. He reached his hand up and gently cupped Jeremy’s cheek. Jeremy’s hand fell from his mouth and Michael leaned forward, connecting their lips. He’d give up a lifetime of Doritos if it meant getting to do this whenever he wanted. It was like the warmth radiating from Jeremy’s lips were filling his hypothetical mana bar on the left side of the screen. When they pulled away from each other, Michael left his hand caressing the side of Jeremy’s face and just as he was going to admit everything, it ended.
Michael awoke in a cold sweat with a cramp in his neck from falling asleep on his beanbag chair. His boxers were feeling a little too tight and his heart felt like it had been biking up hills all night. He heard a ping from his phone and reached down beside him to grab it off the floor. There was a text from Jeremy that he thankfully wasn’t surprised at all to get this time. His smile felt so big while reading the text that he thought his face might actually split in half. He was not about to have this conversation over texts though. This was at least an over the phone sort of thing so it'd have to wait.
Player2: MICHAEL! You are not going to believe what happened last night!!!
Player1: Hey buddy. I can’t wait to hear about it but it’ll have to be later, okay? I start at my new school today. So, that’s fun.
Player2: Yeah man, of course! May the force be with you on your first day!
By the time he donned his favorite red hoodie and jumped in his car, the anxiousness from the night before reappeared. The drive to Middle Borough High School took exactly 5 minutes. When he pulled in, he felt his throat start to constrict. In and out. In and out. This is fine. It’s fine. He kept it up until he finally cooled off enough and then he headed for the office. So far, so good. He got a fews nods from students walking past him, even a smile or two. The knots seemed to loosen at that as he walked down the locker clad hallway. If things kept going this way then he was going to really like it here. The vice principal gave him the run down of the school along with his schedule. Lucky for him, he got to start out each morning in calculus because nothing pairs better with breakfast than complicated math he will never use again. By the time they arrived at the classroom, his nerves were barely there but the fidgeting was still in full swing. He'd take that over hyperventilating in a bathroom any day of the week.
His new teacher finished up his little welcome spiel with, “We’re glad you could join us, Michael. There’s an empty seat in the back beside Jeremy. You can sit there.” That’s when he looked up and right in to the eyes of Jeremy fucking Heere. That made him pause for a minute because holy shit. The throat clearing behind him prompted him to action. His eyes stayed on Jeremy and didn’t focus on much else until the teacher started talking. The atmosphere in that classroom felt statically charged. He mentally pumped himself up for his now expedited talk with Jeremy. The idea that he was not only his soul mate but that they now lived close together straight nuked his train of thought. He didn’t retain a single thing taught that day in calc. When class ended, he followed Jeremy in to the nearest bathroom.
Deciding to take the tried and true ‘fuck it’ approach, he waited long enough for Jeremy to drop his bag before placing his hands on either side of his face and kissing him. It was super awkward and abundantly clear that neither of them had done this in real life before but if their dream kiss was nice then this kiss was nirvana. He felt arms wrap around his waist drawing him in as close as he could get.
When they pulled away, Michael took one look at Jeremy's glassy eyes and kissed bruised lips and just knew that this was it for him. Jeremy in the flesh was enough to make him question if anything before now had ever really made him happy. Michael knew he was about to pull a classic Hallmark movie move but whatever. He grasped Jeremy’s hands in his and quietly asked, “Player 2?” The way Jeremy’s eyes twinkled and his face lit up was better than Christmas. Jeremy threaded his fingers through Michael’s before shooting back with a well played, “Player 1?” Then they collided again, fitting together like pieces of a puzzle. They managed to snuggle so close together that he wasn’t sure where he ended and where Jeremy began and that was a okay by him. It was a shame that it was only 9am on his first day of school because he was tempted to take Jeremy to his car and ditch.
They did actually lose track of time just reveling in the fact that they were there together because both of them were 15 minutes late to 2nd period. He didn’t feel guilty about it all though because those were, by far, the best 15 minutes of his life. His last thought before the teacher demanded his attention was if they could actually try and beat Level 9 in person tonight.