Archive of Our Own

Thinking about it, it was all his fault. Lance knew the moment he climbed out of his lion that his teammates were boiling with fury. The comms were deathly silent. Maybe they would finally kick him off the team? 

The guilt swarmed in his gut like moths around a flame. Their screams echoed in his mind. He could’ve saved them. 

“What the fuck, Lance?!” Keith’s voice came, striking through the screams like an electric shock. He visibly flinched, feeling the Red Paladin’s rage from a mile away. 

Lance was right, it was his fault. 

A child was screaming in terror within the depths of his mind.  

The whole team was gathering in his hangar from different directions, like crows around a dead man. He wasn’t ready for this, he wasn’t prepared.  

You aren’t the sharpshooter.  

You’re just a stand in for when they find a better Blue Paladin.  

He could feel the dread in the pit of his stomach rise as he saw their brutal, scrutinising glares. They all had something to say, but Keith beat them to the punch. 

“We had it out there! You couldn’t move any quicker?! You had one fucking job, and because of you we fucking failed!” Keith snarled, his face contorted into a nasty scowl. 

Well, it wasn’t entirely his fault, in his defence. 

Lately, sleep had been scarce for Lance. Every time he was left to his own thoughts, a dark voice in his brain began whispering comments about him being worthless and useless. 

That’s the truth, isn’t it?  

So instead of lying around and listening to the voice, he went to the training deck. Every night for seven days (he had been counting). Fighting the bots made Lance hyper-focused, so the voice would be shoved right to the back of his brain, silencing it temporarily. 

They’re dead.  

He had never been this bad before. Maybe it was due to the extra stress that was thrust upon them by more intense missions. Maybe it was due to the fact that when he did anything, weary sighs were collectively expressed throughout the room. 

Every single one of them. All dead.  

And it’s all your fault.  

Maybe it was due to the fact he was the weakest link. 

Maybe it’s because you know how insignificant you really are compared to the others.They all contribute.  

What do you contribute?   

Stupid jokes that aren’t even funny? Flirting that annoys the hell out of everyone?  

Accidental genocide?  

Very useful.  

He trained day and night; with the team during the day, alone at night. Shiro must’ve finally convinced Keith to not spend his nights in the training room, as the boy was rarely in there anymore. 

It also didn’t help that right before the mission, Lance sprained his wrist in a fight between himself and a bot. He had tried to tell the team, but they were so busy prepping for the mission that they had no time to listen to ‘whatever goofy thing he had to say’.  

“We fucking lost, Lance! People are dead because you couldn’t do your fucking job right!” Nobody went to interrupt Keith- they all knew he was right, “It was so simple! You couldn’t handle a stupid mission and ending up fucking everything up!”  

The words cut deep into Lance, but he tried to remain stoic. It hurt even more when he remembered who was saying those words. 

He’s right.  

He tried to push the tears back. 

You’re pathetic.  

“I honestly can’t believe what I just fucking saw!”  

Maybe you should leave.   

“Jesus Christ, Lance I thought we could trust you not to make such a colossal fuck up!” 

Maybe you should die.  

“God, I know you’re fucking useless, but not this bad.” 

You hear that? They all think it. They all agree.  

His eyes remained glued to the floor. The guilt was writhing in his stomach, the dark thoughts sinking into him. 

You could’ve saved them .  

But you didn’t.  

You know why?  

Because he’s worthless. 

He allowed that thought to swirl around in his head. 

He met Keith’s glare with his own distressed, shell-shocked gaze 

The screams grew back in full force as he tried to pull the broken pieces back together. A brick sized lump was lodged in his throat, as Lance fought the tears down. 

Lance couldn’t look at anyone else if he tried. He wished Keith’s eyes weren’t so angry right now, so he could admire them without feeling afraid and guilty. 

“What do you have to say for yourself, huh?!” Keith hissed, furious eyes narrowed at him. 

Maybe someone else was yelling now, honestly Lance couldn’t blame them. But he wasn’t listening. Not when the roaring and screaming in his head grew and he continued to stare at Keith’s eyes, searching for any form of forgiveness.  

The fire that burned in those powerful indigo eyes were almost enough to make him break right then. He wouldn’t allow himself to lose himself in those gems, not when they were so full of hate, specifically aimed right at him. 

Keith’s eyes were mesmerising, in whatever form they came in. Looking in them cut him like a sharp knife, and the shame and horror that swarmed within Lance was enough to keep him from falling again. 

Usually, listening to Keith’s voice filled his chest with a warn longing that became too unbearable at times. Now it just felt like he was suffocating. 

At least they know how worthless you are.  

Ignoring you isn’t enough, you should  leave. It would do them a massive favour.  

Lance’s throat went dry.  

“Fucking hell, say something!”  

Only Keith’s voice could whip him out of his whirlwind of thoughts. 

He snapped, his brain feeling too stressed and exhausted to stop the flow of words that left his body. He felt so broken. He couldn’t stop it.  

Those gorgeous, poisonous eyes pushed him off the edge. 

“I-I’m sorry! I’m so fucking sorry!” Lance yelped, his voice cracking, “I-I know I can’t do anything right, I fucking know! I’m just- I’m trying so fucking hard!” 

Pathetic.  

You call yourself a defender of the universe?  

Murderer.  

“Every time I try, I fuck something up! I-I can’t even sleep normally! I c-can’t sleep because every time I do, there’s this voice in my head that tells me I’m not worth shit! Tells me I’m better off dead! And it’s- it’s fucking torture! 

“But it’s right... I’m so pathetic and weak... All I wanna do is go home! I’m nothing up here! I’m nothing compared to all of you! It's- it's all my fault... oh god.” His voice was becoming hoarse. He still refused to look up, burying his hands in his hair and pulling to try and make the pain stop. 

They already know this.  

Tears were flowing like waterfalls and he couldn’t stop it. 

Everything was falling apart. 

Seventh wheel. That’s all you’ll ever be.  

“I just want to be useful, for once!” he screamed, heart shattering, “I keep trying to keep everything together in my head, but I just can’t! Every day it feels like I’m reliving a nightmare, over and over and I know I’m a burden!  

“I have to drag myself out of bed, because I keep trying to convince myself that I matter! A-and it’s just so hard, I can’t- I c-can’t!” 

God, you really  are so worthless.  

“I don’t deserve to be up here! I don’t belong here!  I-I keep trying, but it’s not enough! I’m never enough... it’s not-“  

His legs collapsed beneath him, sending him falling forward. Warm arms and fearful yells filled his senses before darkness enveloped his vision.  

You don’t deserve to be a paladin.  

OoO

The moment Lance collapsed, the team was struck out of their terrified, paralysed shock. They all rushed to catch Lance, to protect him from the cold floor below. 

They barely heard Blue’s anguished roar over the thunder in their minds. 

Hunk was crying, so was Pidge, but the rest of them were attempting to hold back the primal dread that swirled within them. 

“No... no no no no,” Hunk whispered, currently the only one cradling Lance, “This is all my fault...” he released a low, painful sob. 

Lance looked so peaceful- a stark contrast to the Lance Keith had just watched in petrified awe. He would do anything to allow Lance to look so tranquil all the time; with no worries or pain to touch him. 

Coran mentioned something about getting Lance to a pod in case of any damage, to which Hunk hurriedly agreed to. 

Keith couldn’t help but blame himself. It was all on him. If only he had knew something was wrong with Lance. 

Then it hit him. He did know something was wrong with Lance. He noticed the long, cold silences in the castle. He noticed the heavy bags under Lance’s eyes, noticed how forced his smile looked. 

He noticed how dull Lance’s eyes were. 

But he just didn’t care. 

Never before had Keith wanted to punch himself more than he did now. 

The group trailed behind Hunk and Coran, who were storming ahead to get Lance to the pod. 

The others were left to stew in their guilt. They knew that they were all to blame for this. And it hurt.  

It had hurt seeing Lance’s vulnerable face as he tried to keep the pieces together. 

It had hurt knowing that Lance had looked so pained and sounded so terrified because of them. The people he was supposed to trust. 

OoO 

It had been a few hours since Lance’s... breakdown. 

He was secured in the pod and Coran confirmed that he had passed out due to exhaustion and stress and would be in the pod for at least five vargas to help him catch up on his sleep. 

He also found that Lance had sprained his left wrist (accompanied by a few inky bruises with littered his neck and shoulder), which left Keith on the verge of collapse as well. 

He had yelled at Lance... he had yelled at Lance because they all ignored the fact that he was injured. And once again, the urge to punch himself rose. 

Maybe if he had actually tried to pay attention to Lance, for once, he could’ve prevented this. Maybe if he wasn’t such an ass. 

Pidge had a large gash on her forehead and her glasses were cracked, but no matter how much Coran urged her to get into a healing pod, she refused to, settling for bandages. Shiro’s prosthetic was a bit banged up from Black being thrown around a lot. Hunk didn’t seem to have any obvious injuries as far as they could see and Keith only felt the numbing dread filling him like cold ice in his lungs. 

No one left the med bay. No one dared speak after Coran told them everything they needed to know. 

And not one of them could look directly at the peaceful boy in the pod. Not without breaking down. 

It had been a week full of prolonged silences and Lance’s missing presence. 

A whole week. They had left Lance alone for a whole week. And for what? Because they enjoyed the silence? They enjoyed the fact that no one was distracting them? 

It made Keith sick.  

He could hear gentle weeping in the corner of the room. Shiro walked over to comfort whoever it was. 

“D-don’t!” Pidge yelped, jumping away from Shiro with frightful eyes. 

She completely broke down, Hunk quickly following her lead. Keith was sure many of the others were crying- hell, even he felt like crying. 

Nobody moved, though. Nobody moved to comfort any of them. All of them knew they didn’t deserve comfort. They weren’t the ones who truly needed it. 

When he closed his eyes, for even a moment, he could see a variation of Lance’s shattered face or the piles of dead bodies they had to leave behind.  

He couldn’t stand it anymore. Keith couldn’t stand to be in this room, waiting for the inevitable. God, they really fucked up this time. 

He left the room. Nobody stopped him. 

OoO

Once in the safety of his room, did Keith allow the tears to come rushing out.  

His breathing picked up- which was already ragged with exertion and stress- and he paced, his thoughts repeating two words. 

Your fault. 

He choked back a sob. 

Your fault, your fault, your fault. 

Hands stuck in his hair, he couldn’t wipe the memory of Lance’s broken face from his mind.  

He couldn’t get rid of the image of Lance trying... trying so hard... he felt a new wave of tears build up in his eyes. 

He couldn’t forget the planets inhabitants begging for them to save them, only for them to ultimately fail and cause a complete genocide right under their nose. And now he couldn’t blame Lance, since even that wasn’t his fault. The guilt was crushing him. 

Sure, Keith hated himself sometimes. He hated the fact that he was half Galra, that Allura still gave him wary looks from time to time. He hated the fact he was so hot-headed that anything could set him off. He hated the fact that he had so many indestructible walls to keep everyone out. 

He hated the fact that he had probably just destroyed the most loyal and wonderful person he had ever met. Oh god, he would do anything to be able to turn back time. He wanted to go back and make things right, so that Lance wouldn’t have to plaster on smiles every day.  

So that Lance could be happy, and feel loved, by all of them. 

He hissed as his legs send a jolt of pain up his body, causing him to limp over to his bed. Keith slipped off his armour and the under suit that wrapped around his legs and saw swirling purple bruises forming like mould on his old bathroom’s roof. 

Lifting up his head to the heavens, allowing tears to glide down to his jawline. He closed his eyes, allowing the agony-riddled images to flood his mind. He released a bitter sob. 

How was he going to fix this? 

He called Lance a fuck up, when the only fuck up he knew right now was himself.  

Your fault.  

Lance didn’t deserve any of it. 

Your fault. 

He wished it was him. 

He wished he was the one suffering in Lance’s place. He deserved it. 

OoO

Coran convinced the others that Lance very likely wouldn’t want to see then all when he woke up. So it was with heavy hearts that they all trudged out. 

Hunk stayed behind. 

Coran gave a fleeting look at the Yellow Paladin, before releasing a grief-stricken sigh and slouched out the room, with a posture unlike the older man. 

Staring at the corpse-like body in the pod, Hunk let himself take in the image of the friend he had managed to ignore and break.  

He couldn’t leave Lance alone. Not again.  

He was so stupid. He should’ve known something was wrong, it’s his job as a best friend. 

He let out a wet, hollow laugh. 

Some best friend he turned out to be. 

Tears flowed down his face, unrelenting. Everything was so fucked up and it was all his fault.  

He replayed the memories of the previous vargas, which all felt like they had happened a year ago, a let himself suffer at the hands if his own mind. Hunk felt he deserved a taste of what Lance had been through. 

When the pod opened after what felt like eternity, Hunk was startled out of his bought of self hate and hurried to catch his friend as he fell from the pod, almost similar to how he collapsed from exhaustion before. 

He hugged Lance’s weak body, before feeling Lance squirming. He struggled to get out of Hunk’s heartfelt grip. 

And whatever remnants Hunk had left of his heart had shattered. 

He let go of Lance, watching him with a fearful expression.  

Lance stumbled backwards, horror in his already glossy eyes. 

“Lance...” Hunk choked, his voice shaky and uncertain. He didn’t want to lose his best friend.  

Lance flinched, backing away from him. He went so far back, he bumped into the pod he was just in. He shook his head, avoiding eye contact with Hunk and raced out of the room. 

If Hunk had been crying before, it wasn’t nothing compared to the full on sobbing that escaped him after Lance left.  

OoO 

It had been a whole day since Lance had left the pod.  

He locked himself in his room and refused to open the door to anyone. 

Shame and embarrassment did the tango in his gut, occasionally switching to that terrifying sadness that overwhelmed his entire being, leaving him a broken mess. He couldn’t stop hearing those helpless, horrifying screams or Keith’s scalding voice burning his brain like an iron.  

He hated it. He hated it all. He felt so stupid. He just wished they would stop knocking on his door. He just wanted some peace. 

No matter how many times Shiro or Allura knocked on his door, he wouldn’t yield. He needed to be alone, even if his body craved comfort.  

Sometimes, he could tell when it was someone different, even without their fearful voices. Keith always did one, rough knock, while Pidge usually liked to do hers in a pattern of sorts, whether it being morse code or a fun little jingle she had heard. But Pidge’s knocks weren’t like that at all anymore. 

So far, he hadn’t heard Hunk’s quick, heavy knocks. It may have stung a little, but Lance didn’t allow himself to admit it. 

You’re holding them back, you know?   

They could be worrying about better things  than your pathetic ass.  

We are in a war after all. You matter so little compared to the lives of many others.  

Why don’t you end it all? Then at least you’ll finally be doing a favour to this team.  

“Please,” Lance begged, nails scratching into his face, “Please stop...” 

He knew the voice was right, but it still hurt. He was tired of hearing it. 

If you’re tired, why don’t you take a little razor and end it all? It’ll be the most useful thing you’ve done since you were born.  

He doesn’t want to die, though. He still had to make it home, still had to see his mama again. But she probably didn’t care either. 

A knock. 

It wasn’t like Keith’s brief knocks. It was... gentler. He thought for a moment that it must’ve been Coran, but he remembered Coran’s Altean jingle knock that he used no matter what. 

He considered on whether it was Keith or not. He wanted to be able to talk to Keith again, but every time, he remembered that angry voice that had lashed at him like a whip. 

Silence. Lance’s breath caught in his throat.  

After a long dobosh, Lance thought the person had left. If it was Keith, he would’ve left very quickly. 

He let out a broken sob, his body trembling with cold dread.  

“Lance, buddy?” Hunk’s voice croaked, “I know you probably don’t want to see me right now, or even hear me... 

“But I need you to know I’m so, so sorry for everything. I shouldn’t noticed something was wrong, I was just... so stupid and selfish and I don’t deserve you as a friend-” 

Lance clambered to his feet and opened the door after a quick gulp. 

Wow, you’re not a complete coward after all.  

He took in Hunk’s shocked face, recognising those red, puffy eyes as someone who has been crying for a long time. He never wanted to see that expression on his best friend ever again. 

It almost looks like he genuinely cares.  

But then again, you’ve had plenty experience with fake care, so maybe anything looks genuine at this point.  

Or are you so desperate that you’re searching for care where there isn’t?    

“I-I-I brought you... food...” Hunk murmured, holding out a dish filled with things that looked similar to garlic knots, “I tried to get them as close as possible to the garlic knots from home... I thought you might like some...”  

Lance grabbed the dish and put it on his bedside table. He made eye contact with Hunk, feeling his loneliness rear its ugly head. 

He pulled his best friend into a hug, ignoring the frightened gasp that emerged from his actions. He ignored the spike of pain that his bruises had caused from the movement.  

“I’m so fucking sorry...” Lance whispered into Hunk’s shoulder. 

“No no no, don’t be. I’m sorry...”  

Lance pulled away from Hunk and gave him a small smile, making Hunk frown as he moved to let him in. He shuffled into Lance’s abnormally messy room. 

He sat on Lance’s bed, avoiding Lance’s tired gaze. 

“Dude, you look terrible,” Lance teased, causing Hunk to look up and give a small chuckle. 

“Man, you should see yourself,” he replied, the first smile on his face since this whole mess started. 

Lance sat down next to him, looking at his twiddling thumbs. Hunk kept his gaze trained on the floor. 

“I mean it. I’m so sorry Lance... for everything.” 

Lance looked at him, his bags more prominent than ever. 

“You mean so much to me, and I can’t believe I forgot to act like it. You deserve so much better...” 

“No, Hunk, don’t say that. You were busy. I shouldn’t have let my feelings come over me like that,” Lance murmured, shame bubbling in his chest again. 

“You’re human, Lance, you’re allowed to feel. It still doesn’t excuse what I’ve done. I should’ve payed more attention to you, maybe then you wouldn’t have felt so...” 

Lance didn’t reply and Hunk couldn’t find the words to finish that sentence.  

Lies.  

They sat in silence for a good 2 minutes, the shame in Lance’s body growing with every passing tick. 

“I hope you can forgive me, Lance, even if I don’t deserve it.” 

You don’t deserve him. You’re bringing him down.  

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Lance quashed that thought, desperately hoping for once that he wouldn’t mess everything up.  

Lance gave a wet smile to Hunk, grabbing his hand and squeezing it. 

“Of course, Hunk. I can’t stay mad at you for long,” Lance grinned, slightly forced. 

He should be mad at you. For being so hopeless.  

“H-how? How do you do it? I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like for you and yet... you’re still here and you’re forgiving me?”  

“Hey, Hunk, look at me, man.” 

Hunk looked up, slowly, afraid he might do something wrong again. 

“You had more important things to deal with. You can’t spend your whole time worrying about me,” he assured, giving Hunk’s hand another squeeze. 

Anything is more important than you.  

“A whole week, Lance. I had a whole week to notice.” 

“And you were busy for a whole week. This is war, you have work to do. People died. It was mainly my fault since I lay around doing nothi-” 

“Don’t finish that,” Hunk scolded, voice stern, “It’s not an excuse. I promise from now on that I’m going to make sure you’re okay.” 

“Bud, you don’t have to do that-” 

“I want to, Lance.”  

The steely look in Hunk’s eyes reassured Lance and he felt a smile blossom on his face. His first genuine smile in a long time. 

He pulled Hunk into a rough embrace, which was gladly reciprocated. Hunk’s hugs were always the best.  

“Thank you,” Lance murmured into Hunk’s shoulder. 

“Thank you for forgiving me.”  

They stayed like that for a few minutes, taking solace in the promise that Hunk made. 

When Hunk made an low, stifled groan of pain, Lance nearly pulled away, fearful he had done something wrong again. 

“Just a few bruises, it’s nothing to be worried about,” his voiced soothed. Lance shuffled in the embrace slightly to avoid leaning on the bruises that Hunk had hidden. 

When they pulled apart, Hunk’s eyes were soft and were welling up with tears again. 

Lance returned the soft gaze, giving a small, but exhausted, smile. 

“Now! I’ve got all these garlic knot-thingies and no one to eat them with,” Lance pulled the dish over, revelling in the smell. 

When he looked back up at Hunk, there was a concerned glint in his eyes. 

“What?” Lance asked, feeling that fear crawl up him again. 

“You don’t have to be afraid, Lance. Talk to them when you’re ready, but you don’t have to fear them,” he shuffled in his seat, awkwardly. 

Lance opened his mouth to reply, but closed it and formed a gentle smile. 

“No worries, Hunk. Are we going to eat these things, or what?” 

Hunk returned Lance’s grin with a hopeful smile, relief flooding through him, and a small pang of concern at Lance’s not-so-reassuring reply. For once, the memories of the planet they had failed didn't haunt him for at least an hour. 

OoO

After his chat with Hunk, Lance had started leaving his room to eat, but only if he was accompanied by Hunk. It had been two long days since he left the pod. 

He wasn’t ready to face the others yet and Hunk understood that, protecting him from having to talk to his teammates. 

And yes, Lance knew how childish that was, but he couldn’t look at any of them without feeling a lump form in his throat. 

He just couldn’t, not yet.  

Weak.  

OoO

“C’mon, Hunk! You keep protecting him, but we need to talk to him!” Pidge cried, her voice pleading and desperate. 

The Yellow Paladin shook his head, not meeting her glare. 

“He needs more time. He’s still so messed up about it,” Hunk replied, concern forming on his brow, “He’s putting on an act for me, I can tell, but I can’t force him. Just like you can’t force him to talk.” 

“How much time does he need?! He needs to know how sorry we all are!”  

“No, Pidge. You’re just going to hurt him even more,” Hunk saw her flinch, but it was a harsh truth that she needed to know. 

“He’s been through so much... I-I just want to make it up to him... who knows how long this has been going on?” Pidge murmured, arms hugging her body. Her lip trembled slightly. 

Trying to comfort Pidge, Hunk wrapped his arms around her in an embrace, which she quickly returned. 

“Damnit, Hunk, he’s like my brother... without him, God knows what’d happen to me... to any of us,” she whispered.  

He nodded, agreeing completely. But it didn’t soften his resolve. 

“I know, I know...” he muttered, “But if you want to properly fix things, you’ll give him time and space.” 

She nodded, releasing a small sniffle. 

OoO

So maybe it wasn’t a good idea, Lance thought.  

But he needed to. He left his room making sure the corridors were empty, carefully making his way towards the Blue Lion’s hangar. 

Without Hunk, he felt vulnerable, but if he was careful enough, he could avoid his teammates. It wasn’t like he hadn’t done it before. Although that was a lot easier when they were avoiding him as well. 

What he didn’t expect, though, was Coran in Blue’s hangar. Whatever the old man was doing, Lance didn’t know, because he instantly put down whatever he was messing with to give Lance a dumbfounded stare. 

He must be shocked that you’re even still trying. That you’re still wasting space.  

Lance wanted to back away, he wanted to run. But this was Coran. He couldn’t run away from Coran. 

“L-Lance,” the Altean cleared his throat, voice unsteady, “it’s good to see you up and about.” 

Lance nodded. 

“I assume you’re here for the Blue Lion. I’ll, uh, leave you to it.” 

Coran began shuffling towards the exit, rubbing his neck, guiltily. 

“N-no, wait,” Lance called, surprising even himself. 

He looked up, eyes fearful and hopeful at the same time.  

“Is everything alright?” Coran asked, even though he knew that nothing was alright. 

“I... I wanted to say I’m... I’m sorry,” Lance rasped.  

Coran took quick steps towards him, placing his hand on the Blue Paladin’s shoulder. He noticed the slight flinch and quickly removed his hand, but his purple eyes were still concerned and confident. 

“Lance, no. You are not in a position to apologise here. I should be apologising to you.”  

Eyes wide, Lance looked at the Altean with confused eyes. Why was Hunk and Coran saying he shouldn’t apologise? He had been dragging the team down, so it only felt fitting to say sorry for everything he had done. He had basically murdered those aliens. 

Of course. Say sorry. It’s not going to change the fact that you’re a burden and you’re only here because they feel sorry for you.  

Swallowing the lump that began to rise in his throat, he opened his mouth to reply. 

“No, Lance. I’m sorry. I should’ve been there for you. You needed someone and I deeply regret not being someone you could rely on for help.  

“You don’t deserve any of it. You didn’t deserve our mistreatment. But it won’t happen again, not while I’m here. I’ve learnt my lesson.”  

Now Lance felt like crying. Coran made it sound so genuine that he couldn’t help but begin to believe what he said.  

Coran held his arms out for a hug. Lance quickly obliged. 

“I promise I’ll do better for you,” Coran muttered, his voice reassuring Lance in a way Hunk couldn’t. 

And for the first time in a long time, the voice in his head was silent. 

And he let himself sink into the embrace and cry, letting Coran comfort him.  

OoO

They were under attack from Galra forces. The team was sent out to protect the castle. 

Lance refused to leave Blue. They wouldn’t need him anyway.  

At least you know how weak you are.  

At least you know how little you matter to them.  

Blue’s purring and reassurances drowned out the voice and allowed him to slip into a uncomfortable, but needed, sleep. 

OoO

A few hours later and Lance was still sitting in Blue, his mood feeling lighter. He conversed with Blue, listening to her reassurances and letting out a few smiles. 

They threw jokes back and forth at each other, a semblance of normality coming to Lance and he felt at home within the sentient robot. 

Of course, his mood dropped once he saw Shiro enter the hangar. 

At first, he thought Coran had told Shiro where he was, but quickly shoved that thought from his mind. Coran wouldn’t do that.  

Are you sure about that? How many  times has someone made a promise they can’t keep?   

Shiro was looking up at the Blue Lion, who released a low, angry growl. 

You can’t keep promises. You made a promise to your ‘mama’ that you would try as hard as you can, that you would succeed. We both know  you can’t succeed in anything.  

You’re everything you hate about people.  

How pathetic.  

“I know you don’t want to see me, Blue, but...” Shiro started. His uncertain tone convinced Lance that the leader had no idea that Lance was even in there. His arms were wrapped around his torso, the attempt to comfort himself completely in vain. 

In all the time that he had known Shiro, he had never seen him look so... dejected. He looked terrible. And because of that, Lance was stunned. 

“I... I just feel so bad. About everything. Can... can you send something to Lance, please can you help him,” Shiro pleaded, “God... I wish... I just can’t get it out of my head, you know...” 

Lance was trying so hard not to let his tears fall. He just wished he could stop crying for one minute. 

“You must feel so much worse. I can’t tell you how sorry I am... I messed up. I messed up so bad. I’m supposed to be a leader, but damnit... 

“I-I don’t know how to fix this. I really, really don’t,” he muttered. Tears were flowing down his face and he made no move to stop them. 

Lance asked Blue to let him out. She tried to convince him not to, but he was persistent. 

She was so protective at times; it made his heart swell a little. 

She lowered her head, Shiro snapping up in surprise, and opened her jaw, letting Lance walk out. 

The older man wiped the tears from his eyes, mouth open in shock.  

Once Lance was out of the lion, they stared at each other for a few ticks. Shiro scrambled for something to say, anything that could show the Cuban boy how utterly sorry he was. 

“How did the battle go?” Lance asked, rubbing his shoulder, nervously. He subconsciously bit his lip, a new nervous twitch he had developed. 

Shiro stared at him, mouth still gaping.  

“I-I... Terrible, Lance. Oh God, it was...” 

“But you won. Without me,” Lance murmured, feeling his voice crack. 

“L-Lance... fuck Lance. We-” Shiro wiped his face again, “we only won because I couldn’t stop thinking about how I had to make it back... I had to get back here and fix what I’ve done.” 

It was Lance’s turn to look shocked, like a deer caught in the headlights, his eyes widened, panicky. 

Shiro choked back a sob. Lance felt himself flinch at the sound. 

“I couldn’t stand the fact that I had royally fucked up and everything was a mess... I had to get back. I-I needed to get back so I could tell you how badly I fucked up, and make things right... 

“I needed to. Y-you mean so much to us, Lance. We almost died out there today. But it’s because of you that we were able to stay strong and win,” his voice was broken, filled with self-hatred, “God... I... I just don’t know how we let... how we left you alone for so long... I don’t know how we treated one of the only good things up here like complete shit.” 

Shiro took a step towards him, face completely heart-broken.  

“You shouldn’t have to forgive me, Lance, but god damnit I want to do everything in my power to make it up to you. There’s no excuse for what we’ve done,” Shiro hesitated, “There’s no excuse for me to have ignored you.” 

Lance stared at him, mainly shocked that his idol was standing in front of him, spilling his heart out to him and looked so full of regret.  

It was too much. 

You did this.  

You made them care for you.  

You made them care for a worthless sack of  shit.  

And now look.  

Look what you’ve done.  

He shook his head, hoping it’ll make the thoughts go away. He couldn’t breathe and his sight was becoming blurry, hands gripping onto his shirt to try and stop the pain, buried in that familiar sense of anxiety and horror. 

Oh god, he can’t even breathe. His vision was grainy and dimmed and terror gnawed at him.  

He was losing control. 

You deserve this .   

He tried to gasp out, he tried to beg. 

You can’t even do that.  

Normally, he knows how to do this. How to stop the darkness invading his vision and breathe normally.  

But he was just so overwhelmed. 

Excuses.  

God, make it stop. 

It was too dark. 

Make it stop. 

He was drowning. 

Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. 

Shiro panicked. Seeing the boy go into a panic attack did nothing to help how shitty he already felt. 

“Shit, shit, shit!” he yelled, gracefully. He rushed over to Lance, who was growing worse and worse by the second, “Lance, can- oh god- can I touch you?” 

He nodded, his movements stony. Shiro quickly, but gently put his hands on Lance’s arms.  

Look you’re doing it again.  

You made them lie to you.  

You made them lie so they could make you feel better.  

Are you proud of yourself?  

“Okay Lance, look at me, okay?! Look at me,” Lance looked up into Shiro’s fearful grey eyes, “Okay, buddy, breathe with me, in... out.” 

Disgusting.   

You don’t deserve this.  

Lance followed his breathing, tears rushing out of his eyes. The thoughts didn’t cease. 

I keep saying that you’re better off dead. You never listen. You’re so stupid.  

Even after the way you’ve hurt them, they’re still trying to help you.  

He’s still trying to help you.  

You don’t deserve it.  

Maybe the airlock would be the best way to go?  

At least then you won’t make a mess.  

At least then you won’t be  in their way.  

“Slowly, Lance, breathe with me, c’mon. In... out...” 

Throughout the train wreck of his mind, Lance could see Shiro’s caution and worry in his silver eyes. 

Shiro was trying. Trying for him. He didn’t feel like he deserved it. 

Now you’re getting it.  

But it would only be fair if he tried as well. He followed Shiro’s breathing, he allowed those strong arms to ground him. 

The best he could do is try to be someone who did deserve it. 

That meant meeting his teammates halfway. 

Or meeting with a little razor. You know, to help them.  

“Okay, do you want to go anywhere else?” Shiro asked, delicately. His eyes were filled with a panic that he tried to hide, if only to help Lance. 

The Cuban shook his head, feeling Blue’s caring purr edge into his mind.  

“You’re doing great, buddy. Keep breathing with me, okay?” 

His breathing slowed. He ignored the voice and let his vice-like grip on his clothes soften. 

He looked into the Black Paladin’s eyes and felt tears rushing up, again. 

They stared at each other for a while, Lance continuing to regulate his breathing and Shiro trying to think of the right thing to say.  

Shiro wrapped Lance into a hug, letting the teenager weep uncontrollably into his shoulder, feeling a few tears slip away, himself. 

“I’m so sorry, Lance. What kind of leader am I supposed to be?” self-loathing dripped from his words. 

“The best,” Lance replied, voice small and hoarse. 

Shiro’s lip trembled at the sincerity in Lance’s torn voice. He knew the boy in front of him was far more damaged than he could ever imagine, but Lance still made an effort to help others get back up as well. 

He felt the floodgates open and clung to Lance desperately, letting himself release a few sobs. 

“W-we really don’t deserve you...” he muttered, weakly, after calming himself down. 

Don’t deserve you dragging them down.  

They didn’t keep track of how much time passed. They just focused on each other's breathing, a silent reassurance that yes, they were still here and yes they were both going to try better.  

Hunk entered the hangar with concern etched on his face, but catching sight of the pair hugging in the middle of the room, felt himself smile warmly. 

His friend was getting better.  

OoO 

Lance had made visible improvements over the next few days. He left his room more frequently, but was often accompanied by Coran, Hunk or Shiro, who didn’t feel too confident with Lance’s state of mind. 

As much as they hated it, Lance was fragile. One wrong move could send them back to square one and the trio couldn’t find the trust to think that Pidge or Keith wouldn’t make that wrong move. 

He went to the training deck sometimes, ate more and was sleeping more. He was feeling himself getting lighter, laughing at Coran’s jokes sometimes or smiling when Shiro assured him that he was needed. 

The battle was still fresh in his mind, leaving guilt stirring in his gut like a broken record. 

A few times, Lance heard Shiro having a nightmare when he was striding over to Blue’s hangar. He helped his friend to the best of his ability. He did what he could to repay Shiro for what he had done for him in the hangar. 

It was the only way he could make up for it. 

Allura wasn’t seen that much since his outburst. The only one who knew where she was, was Coran and he refused to tell them. He only mentioned that she was working with other diplomats from the system in the aftermath of that battle. 

Lance had even taken to walking alone. Any sight of Pidge or Keith, though, would make him turn the other way. 

What’s wrong with you? They want to help, why won’t you let them?  

He can’t answer. 

First you force them to care and then, when they’re finally willing to show you that, you run, like the pathetic coward you are.  

You’re messing up the team.  

That was correct. He often heard them all arguing when they thought he couldn’t hear. When he decided he needed to take a walk.  

He hated it. He remembered hearing his parents argue, back on Earth, and getting so scared of the yelling that he had to snuggle up to one of his elder siblings. 

But now he doesn’t have his siblings to comfort him. 

You wouldn’t deserve it anyway.  

Pathetic.  

The words were scathing. He was trying to get better, he wanted to believe everything Shiro, Hunk and Coran had said. But no matter what, that little voice at the back of his head would always come back, repeating words over and over. 

He was trying not to believe it. It was difficult. He talked to Coran about it, very often, but it would return, stronger than before. 

He felt frustrated tears well up. 

Why couldn’t he just be normal? 

OoO 

Two more days passed by. 

He was on the training deck. Lance was about to warm up, but hadn’t noticed the small gremlin who worked on her computer in the training deck. 

When he noticed her, he didn’t say a word, he just wondered what she was doing in the training deck, working on her hacking or whatever. She had a bandage wrapped around her head. 

Lance chose to ignore her. He could handle not talking and he knew she wouldn’t talk to him unless he talked to her. Hunk had warned her one night, not knowing that Lance was outside. 

“Don’t you dare talk to him, Pidge!” Hunk snarled, anger unlike him in his voice. 

“Don’t you tell me what to do!” 

“Fine, then I’ll get Shiro to do it!  You know- back off Keith, I’m not letting either of you talk to him.” 

Lance could hear a small shuffling in the room. 

“We need to talk to him, Hunk! He can’t hide away forever!” Keith’s voice was thunderous, but lacked the fire it had when he had yelled at Lance.  

Only Lance could recognise that small hint of self-hatred in Keith’s angry tone. 

“You need to sit down, Keith. You’re not talking to him. He’s not ready. ” 

“Oh yeah? What are you gonna do-” 

“Stand down, both of you,” Shiro’s voice came with clipped fury, “None of you are talking to him. End of story.” 

Your fault.  

He couldn’t argue with that. 

After all the crying he had done, Lance was beginning to feel empty. There was just so much sadness, all the time, that he felt himself losing the will to care. He was falling back into the same state he was in before. 

But now he had his friends to pick him up and fill in the numbness that flowed through him every now and then. 

He began warming up, jogging the perimeter of the deck, when Keith walked in. Lance froze for a moment, but chose to ignore Keith as well and continued jogging. 

He hoped his face didn’t show how empty he felt. He hoped that Pidge’s watchful gaze didn’t catch on to his hollow distress. She looked like an owl. He almost smirked at that thought. 

Lance failed to notice that Keith was also jogging nearby. God, did the boy know how to make someone feel incredibly awkward. It almost made Lance smile. It was an annoying, but oddly endearing trait that almost made Lance feel like everything was normal again. 

What he also failed to notice, was that Keith was actually talking to him. And when he did notice, his throat dried up. 

Keith was... challenging him? He looked into Keith’s indigo eyes with the emptiness that flowed within him and ignored him. 

He wanted to be on friendly terms with Keith again- or as friendly as he can get with the Red Paladin who always made him feel less significant.  

He longed to be able to look into those gem-like eyes and not see the blazing venom he had witnessed days ago. 

He couldn’t. Not now.  

He kept running. 

He’s trying, though.  

Are you really going to push away someone who wants to help?  

You really don’t deserve any of it.  

Maybe the voice was right. He didn’t argue with it, neither did he agree with it. Maybe he didn’t care. 

 He stopped running when he heard Keith still talking behind him. He sounded angry. Lance didn’t feel like caring. 

He turned around and met Keith’s furious eyes. He flinched, recalling the last time he had seen that expression. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t completely apathetic in the moment.  

“Were you even listening to me?” he hissed, “For fucks sake, how long are you gonna sit around like a fucking baby and feel sorry for yourself?! 

“I’m fucking trying to help! I’m trying, Jesus Christ!” Keith snarled, “You’re going to drag the whole fucking team down with you at this rate, can’t you just fucking swallow your pride for once?” 

Would you look at that, Keith’s making sense. Again.  I can see why you like him so much.  

Maybe Pidge had gotten to her feet and was running. Lance couldn’t tell.  

His mouth was open in silent shock, tears welling up, even when he thought he had none left. Pidge had wedged herself between them both, causing Lance to stumble backwards. He hadn’t noticed how close Keith had gotten. 

Someone finally said it out loud.  

Do you finally understand?   

If you weren’t there, they could find a new Blue Paladin.  

Someone more useful. Someone smarter, someone who wasn’t  extra baggage.  

He was pulled out of his trance by Pidge’s rage-filled voice and instantly raced out the room. He passed no one in the corridor on the way to his room. 

OoO 

Keith was tired of it. Tired of it all. He wanted so desperately to fix things between him and Lance. So when he found Lance alone in the training deck, he thought this was his chance. 

He challenged Lance, similar to ones they had done before Lance’s mood went south. Of course, Lance was the one to usually initiate these challenges, so Keith felt awkward trying to do so. 

What he hadn’t expected, was the drained, dull look in Lance’s eyes. And so the anger began bubbling within him. 

“Lance, buddy?” he asked, trying to hold back his annoyance, “Just a simple race?”  

And Lance hadn’t listened. He was sick of seeing Lance’s back to him. 

Every time he saw him in the corridor, Lance turned around. Every time he caught sight of him with Hunk or Coran, Lance refused to turn his way. 

When he saw Lance’s back to him, every time without fail, Keith would be reminded of his father leaving. His mother leaving. The foster parents turning their backs on him and giving up. Shiro leaving him for Kerberos. 

And now he’s seeing it again.  

Days have passed and the guilt has been destroying Keith- it still is. He wanted nothing more than to have the happy-go-lucky Lance back. He wanted to apologise for what he said.  

But, damnit, did Lance always find ways to piss him off, even when he was so guilt-ridden he had cried. 

And so, he snapped. He was so mad, he hadn’t noticed Pidge forcing herself between him and Lance, her furious shouts echoing through the training deck. 

Lance staggered backwards and met Keith’s hardened glare for a split second, before racing out. Any guilt he had was crushed. 

OoO

Pidge wanted to observe Lance. She wanted to keep track of his progress, so she would know exactly what to say when he was ready. 

Hunk had warned her, on the verge of threatening, not to talk to Lance. And seeing him, she realised how right Hunk was.  

Sure, the majority of the times she saw Lance she couldn’t get a good look of his face, but when she did, she saw the strain in his ‘smile’.  

Even though she wasn’t necessarily a social person, she did tend to notice things that Hunk or Coran did not. Shiro usually noticed this ‘strain’ and always pulled Lance aside to comfort and assure Lance. She was starting to think they were smothering him. 

So, after recognising that Lance had a weird routine that he followed, she found herself in the place she would most likely see him at this point. He was so unpredictable as of late, and she wondered if she would even see him in the training deck today. 

When he came in, her eyes widened slightly, before acting casual, resuming work on her laptop. 

One problem she had though, was paying attention to her work and paying attention to Lance at the same time. 

She looked up occasionally, catching sight of the hollow look in Lance’s usually bright eyes. And that’s when she knew for sure that the other team members were smothering him, too much. 

But she got too into her work. Multi-tasking between social stuff and work stuff was never her strong suit. More often than not, she becomes so focused on her work that she stops paying attention to the world around her. She hadn’t even realised that Keith had entered the training deck. 

When she heard yelling... well, she quickly put her laptop down and raced to stop it.  

Keith tore into Lance. Even though he said little, his eyes held a heart broken look that she couldn’t stand seeing anymore. And she was pissed. 

There was enough space between them for her to fit through and shove Keith back.  

“What is your fucking problem, Keith?!” she yelled, meeting his stony glare with her own, “You fucking asshole! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” 

Keith didn’t reply, instead choosing to glare at the door that had just slid shut. 

“Look at me when I’m talking to you!”  

His eyes snapped to her, a glare that would have frightened anyone else in her situation. He couldn’t scare Pidge, not when she was twice as scary. 

“You know what Hunk and Shiro said! Do I have to repeat it so it’ll get into your thick fucking skull?!” she shrieked, slamming her finger onto Keith’s chest, “Do you have any fucking idea what you just said?! Everything we’re trying to convince Lance is wrong, you just said loud and clear for him to fucking hear!” 

“Well, maybe he shouldn’t be such an ass and fucking talk to me! I fucking tried, okay?! I was willing to help him!” Keith snapped, venom dripping from his voice. 

Pidge’s eyes were ablaze with fury. Her mouth fell open for a few seconds, consuming the bullshit Keith had just spouted.  

“Well he wasn’t willing to listen! He’s not fucking ready for this shit! It’s no fucking excuse to say that shit! Don’t you remember his mental breakdown?! You know, the one you caused?! 

“Just because you have a crush on him or whatever gives you no fucking right to treat him like gum on your shitty shoes! Did you not pull his pigtails hard enough?!” 

Keith’s face went red, whether out of embarrassment or anger, Pidge didn’t care. 

“I do not have a crush on him!”  

“Oh tell it to my ass, Keith, I don’t fucking care! You know why he’s acting like this! You know exactly why and you just gave him more reason to get worse! 

“So, what, he didn’t give baby the attention he wanted, boo hoo,” her voice shifted to a venomous mocking tone, before returning to its previous fury, “Get over it, Keith! Jesus Christ, I can’t fucking believe what you just did!” 

“He’s sitting around, ignoring us and refusing to talk to us! What if we get into another battle?! What if we need Voltron?! We can’t do that without his sorry ass!” 

“Do you only care about Voltron?! Lance is having self-esteem issues and you care about Voltron?! One of your friends is so damaged that he’s got a fucking voice in his head telling him he’s not worth it!” 

“Break it up, you two,” Shiro’s weary voice came. Pidge snapped her head round at him, not realising how close to them he had gotten. Hell, she hadn’t even noticed he came in the room. 

She directed her furious glare to Shiro, more pissed off than she had ever been before. 

“No, fuck you Shiro! Your dumb ass ‘brother’ here just played right into Lance’s insecurities!” Pidge yelled, fury ripping at her voice. 

“Pidge, I’m sure Keith-” 

“Oh, fuck you, Shiro. Just because Keith’s your favourite does not give him the right to treat one of our friends like dirt! You know, the friend we’ve been trying to fix since he had a motherfucking mental breakdown in front of us all?! Or have you fucking forgotten?! 

“I don’t know if you comprehended it, with your tiny brains, but Lance was having suicidal thoughts! Were you not there when he screamed bloody murder about how he’s trying to keep it together or was that just me?! My friend is so broken because of us that he’s thought about fucking killing himself!” 

The two of them stood there, stunned. Ah, they must’ve forgotten that little detail. Pidge was seething. 

“You,” she hissed, jabbing a finger at the Red Paladin, “You are going to apologise to Lance. You are going to apologise for all the shit you’ve given him. Or I will personally hunt you down, chop your fucking hand off, form it into a ‘fuck you’ pose and glue it to your bedroom wall.” 

Pidge took grim satisfaction in the terror that formed in Keith’s eyes as he realised that she will stick to her threat. Taking one glance at the both of them, who were spooked into silence by their youngest, she stormed out, recognising their faces as kicked puppies.  

She ran to Lance’s room and knocked. Despite her unbridled fury from a few minutes ago, she felt so scared for Lance. No, scared wasn’t right word; she was terrified.  

The door was unlocked and she swallowed, petrified at what she might find behind that door. With a trembling breath to steady herself, she opened the door. 

The room was so dark, the only light coming from the door she had just opened. She couldn’t imagine how terrifying that must have been for Lance when he was struck down by thought after thought. 

She was well aware of how consuming sitting in the dark could be. 

Pidge caught sight of Lance in the corner of his room, hands gripping at his hair, sobs echoing loud and clear, wracking Pidge with an unexplainable pain. His knees were pulled up to his chest, squeezing himself into a tight ball. 

She hurried over to him and sat beside him, wrapping an arm around him. 

‘Screw what Hunk said. He needs help, now.’ 

“Lance, oh god...” she murmured, pulling his hands out of his hair. 

He was so out of it, he only noticed her when she met his eyes. She looked so scared; he wanted to cry some more. 

His eyes were red and swollen, looking really sore, and his lip was bleeding from him biting it too much. In fact, his whole face looked sore, blotchy patches of red littering his face. 

Sympathy coursed through Pidge’s body, unable to imagine how bad it must really be for Lance.  

Tears were still flowing down his cheeks and he refused to look at her, attempting to make himself smaller. He even tried shuffling further into the wall to escape.  

“Lance, I want to help you...” She murmured, hopelessness striking through her like lightning.  

She didn’t feel hopelessness like this when she searched for her brother and father. This was a whole new level of hopelessness. The raw and genuine fear that Lance would never be the same again and it was all their fault built upon layers of despair like she has never felt before. 

After considering her words, though, he leaned into her, giving her full access to wrap her arm around him again. She quickly made sure to do that. 

His sobs had calmed down to little gasps of breath every few seconds, but she knew he was playing it down for her. 

“What Keith said...” Lance flinched at the sound of his name, causing more rage to course through her veins, “was wrong.” 

Lance let out a wet huff; maybe it was supposed to be a chuckle or not, it still added onto her ever-growing fury. 

“Lance, look at me,” she said, softly.  

He leaned his head up to look at her. Honestly, the next time she saw Keith, she was gonna kick him right in the nuts. His eyes looked so tired, so fearful that she couldn’t help but feel it seep into her.  

“What Keith said was wrong.”  

She hoped she sounded as confident as she needed to be. 

“You deserve time to recover. We owe you that. Keith owes you that. You’re not dragging down the team, you wanna know why? 

“Because we’ve learned that we’ve been major dicks. And from now on we know we shouldn’t treat anyone we call our friend like we have. Jesus, you should’ve seen us at that last battle. We almost lost. Dear God, we almost lost. You know why? Because we didn’t have you.” 

Lance looked at her in disbelief, and she could see the internal struggle behind those ocean eyes.  

“Don’t look at me like that. I mean it. C’mon, would I lie to you about something like this? I’ve got too much pride to lie about our victories. 

“Keith is a fucking dumb ass. He’s impatient and stubborn and so, so hot headed I can’t fucking deal with it. What he said was way beyond the line and wrong. I’m gonna break his fucking nuts when I see him next.” 

Lance let out a small, genuine chuckle. 

“Don’t do that...” he muttered, despite the smile that formed on his face. 

“No one gets to fuck with my brother like that and get away with it,” the words escaped her before she could stop them.  

Her mouth opened and shut, causing her to look away guiltily from Lance’s shell-shocked face. 

Silence hung over them for a while, Pidge’s gaze catching onto the mess of a bed in Lance’s room. She had never thought he was a messy person, but she guessed things were different. 

“Okay, so maybe I do see you as a brother,” she murmured, feeling slightly embarrassed at feeling so vulnerable, “Maybe I do, but that’s not an excuse for how I treated you. How we treated you. 

“I, uh... I just...” she stammered, struggling to find the best way to begin to make amends. 

Suddenly, her mind dinged with the perfect idea. 

“Lo siento,” Pidge beamed nervously, looking at Lance once again, praying that it was enough. 

His mouth was formed into an ‘o’ shape, and tears formed at the edges of his eyes. Not broken, distressed tears; gleeful, jubilant tears.  

Once he got over his shock, the widest smile she’s seen on him takes over his features, and he pulled her into a tight hug crying into her shoulder. She smiled and rubbed his back, protectively.  

“Gracias. Muchas gracias,” he blubbered, sounding so happy it filled the void in her heart that she hadn’t realised was there. 

When he pulled away from the hug, he looked her in the eyes and she saw the Lance she had missed.  

It wasn’t so hopeless after all. 

“¿Espero que me puedas perdonar?” Pidge asked, hesitant. 

“Por supuesto tonta,” his voice was so gentle and fond, she couldn’t resist pulling him into a hug again. 

She let out a gentle laugh, happy that they were closer to fixing the mess they had made 

“¿Por cuanto tiempo has sabido español?” Lance asked, sounding offended. Pidge laughed, forming a reply. 

“Scusa, non parlo spagnolo.” 

The mock offense that took over Lance’s face was one that had been sorely missed and Pidge felt happier than she had in a long time. 

“Was that Italian?” he queried.  

They slipped into casual conversation after that, ending with Pidge promising to teach Lance Italian.  

OoO 

No one had seen Lance or Pidge in hours and Shiro was going out of his mind with worry. 

He had definitely told off Keith as soon as Pidge stormed out; clearly what he had done was bad enough to warrant her intense arguing. He wouldn’t even call it arguing, really- more like Pidge beating the shit out of Keith with her words. 

Shiro had seen Keith’s expression morph into an expression of pure, burning anger, to overwhelming guilt and heartache. Maybe Pidge and him had been too cruel to him, but the fact was that he had been cruel to Lance.  

Shiro didn’t even know what he did- he didn’t want to know. At the beginning, he was willing to give Keith the benefit of the doubt, knowing Pidge had a tendency to blow up at people for small things. But the longer he listened to her, the more he realised Keith has really fucked up.  

He was scared for Lance. He had gone to his room, but in an attempt to avoid what could be inside, he made excuses. He knew it was pathetic, but he was so scared of losing Lance... he just didn’t want to face that reality. He couldn’t stop thinking about the facts that Pidge had reminded them of. 

Shiro couldn’t bring himself to tell the rest of the team what happened. Once again, he knew it was pathetic but he just couldn’t. Maybe it was due to favouritism over Keith or a longing to not stir up trouble in the castle but whichever it was, he didn’t want to know. 

So yeah, he was worried, but he was also so terrified that he couldn’t bring himself to face a small possibility. 

He also couldn’t look at Keith. He knew Keith felt bad, but still... whatever he did was probably uncalled for and had obviously hurt Lance so much that Pidge had to step in. 

They had all been trying their hardest to get Lance happy again and just like he had predicted, it was Keith that brought him back to square one.  

Shiro had never seen Pidge that angry before. It had been chilling, to say the least.  

It was kind of amusing as well, seeing as their youngest paladin had been the one to terrify Keith so much he couldn’t move or speak properly for about 5 doboshes.  

Although it was hard to feel amused when he’s so scared and worried.  

Shiro and Keith were sat in the common room, Shiro stubbornly ignoring the Red Paladin. Keith had fucked up and Shiro wasn’t ready to let it go that easy.  

When Lance and Pidge entered the room chattering warmly with one another, Shiro could swear he felt his heart stop. He jumped to his feet, scaring Keith out of his thought process and rushed over to the two of them. 

While he fussed over Lance, asking fifty questions a minute, he caught Pidge sending Keith the most hateful glare he had ever seen from anyone. He could almost hear Keith gulp down his fear. 

Lance looked... happier. He smiled the widest smile he’s seen since everything started and Shiro felt his heart swell.  

He’s getting better, and Shiro couldn’t feel prouder.  

And he made sure Lance knew it. 

OoO

When Lance found the library in the castle, he didn’t think he would use it. But sleep wouldn’t come easily to him as his thoughts were plagued by memories of his family and memories of the... recent events. 

He wanted to go somewhere relaxing and be alone for a while and a library seemed perfect. 

He had brought his pillow and blanket and set up a make shift bed next to the giant window that revealed the space around them. He leaned his pillow against the giant bookshelf so he could sit upright and watch the unending space outside. 

It felt so peaceful, in the dark watching the stars twinkle as the castle drifted by.  

He nearly drifted off, when he heard footsteps emerge from another side of the library. He swallowed his growing fear, attempting to push it back. 

“Hello?” he called, hoping it was just Coran or someone else. 

Allura’s voice returned his call. 

“Hello, Lance.”  

Her voice sounded... deflated. Her face came into view as she walked closer, the light from the stars outside showing Lance the bags under her eyes. 

Lance shuffled up to make room in his little bed and patted the ground next him. Allura gave him a weary smile and joined him. 

He brought the bedsheet over her so she wouldn’t be cold. 

“Are you okay, Allura?” he asked, concern lacing his voice. 

“Ha... I should be asking you that,” her voice sounded so devoid of life.  

“But I’m asking you.” 

She looked at him for a moment, meeting his caring eyes with her own despondent eyes, before shifting her gaze to the view. 

“I could not sleep. It... it feels like just yesterday I was with my family back on Altea and now... it’s all gone...” 

It went unsaid that she was also plagued by the images from the mission. She couldn’t help but remember the quintent that her whole planet was wipes out and the screams were all too similar to the ones on Altea. 

“I know the feeling,” Lance replied, looking out the window. 

She turned her gaze to him, raising a questioning eyebrow. 

“It was literally just a few months ago that we left Earth. I know how you feel,” his gaze was... longing, “But you don’t have to deal with it alone, y’know? 

“Like I know you’re a princess and everything but... you’re allowed to mourn.” 

She opened her mouth to reply, but couldn’t find the words. They sat in silence, watching the stars glide by. 

“They always made the nebulae look so much prettier at home,” Lance huffed, eyes catching on a distant nebula in the distance. 

“They are still beautiful, though,” Allura replied, “You’d think after all this time of being in space I would be used to it by now.”  

“I never want to get used to this,” he said, eyes reflecting the stars and the faintness of the nebula in the distance. She could see on his face the bags that refused to leave him and her eyebrows furrowed in unease. 

“Are you okay, Lance?”  

He turned to look at her smiling at her frown. 

“Don’t frown like that princess, it’s bad for your skin,” he chuckled, but did not dispel her concern, “I’m... getting better. Sometimes I just... I dunno.” 

“You don’t need to explain it to me. I’m just... I’m so sorry for everything. I-I can’t believe that I was pushing everyone, including you, when I should’ve noticed,” tears were falling from her eyes, “I’m supposed to be there for you all but-” 

“Hey, I had this chat with Shiro. What’s happened has happened, we can’t go back. I just want to keep moving forward,” Lance’s voice was stern, as he placed his hand on her hand, “We all need to move forward.” 

She went to reply, but once again found herself speechless. Wiping away her tears, she looked at Lance, who was giving her a small, soothing smile. 

They slipped into a comfortable silence again, the gentle glow from the space outside washing over their tired eyes. 

“I miss them,” she muttered, eyes moving away from Lance’s wistful smile and onto the ground. Tears threatened to invade her vision. 

“That’s okay,” Lance replied, wrapping his arm around her and letting her lean into him. 

They absorbed each other's warmth, allowing each other to be comforted for once. Allura felt like she could do this forever. 

“You know, we both look pretty terrible right now. Why don’t I go get my skin care stuff?” Lance offered, giving a toothy grin. 

Allura raised an eyebrow, but smiled nonetheless. 

“I have some of that stuff you humans call nail polish?” 

His grin got wider as he jumped to his feet.  

“Meet back here, princess, I know how to do a mean fade,” Lance said, already rushing out the door. 

Allura stifled her giggle and rushed out too. 

OoO 

Of course Keith was being overwhelmed by anguish and grief. He does have emotions, no matter how apathetic he acts. But for once, instead of suppressing his emotions, he allowed them to wash over him and hurt him- it was what he deserved after all.  

Thinking back to the hurt look on Lance’s face brought back the image of his distraught form collapsing from exhaustion.  

It had only been after Pidge yelled at him that he really realised the extent of what he had done. He would be fine with it if Lance didn’t want to forgive him- he doesn’t want to forgive himself. 

That’s a lie. He would care. It would hurt knowing he’ll never get Lance back as a friend. Were they even friends in the first place? 

He didn’t know. He was too afraid to ask. He wanted nothing more than Lance to scream at him, yell at him, punch him or anything. Anything other than the deafening silence he was being given.  

It didn’t matter what he wanted anyway, because Keith refused to leave his room. He couldn’t face Shiro’s disappointed frown or Pidge’s hostile glares, which she made sure to give him every time she saw him. So he just didn’t leave his room. 

He needed to face the consequences of his actions, but goddamn he was so scared. He hated himself for that.  

He was dragged into a loneliness similar to the one he felt in the desert, after Shiro went missing on the Kerberos mission. The only thing that rivalled this intense feeling was the moment his mother left him. 

He was so goddamn caught up in his emotions that he forgot about Lance’s... again. He was selfish. Keith tried not to let that thought overwhelm him, but it circled around his head constantly. 

This was how Lance felt. The indescribable misery that enveloped his whole being, causing him to feel so much torment that he began to feel proud of Lance, for being able to push through this agony. 

Lance was strong. Keith knew this now. When faced with the same cutting emotions, he found himself so despondent and so torn up that he couldn’t muster up the strength to get up and pace anymore. 

And Lance had managed to push himself up, every single time and push himself to show them that he mattered. It wasn’t like he needed to show them- they already knew, but they had done a bad job of showing it. A terrible job, really. 

Lance had had it worse. Was having it worse. Keith knew everything he felt, Lance had felt it ten times worse. He didn’t know the depth of Lance’s emotions. He didn’t know how deep the scars were cut.  

He didn’t deserve to cry. He didn’t. After everything that had happened to Lance, he was the one locked away in his room, trying desperately to summon the courage to do something about the mess he’s made. 

Keith choked back a broken sob, rubbing his face with his hands, roughly.  

He didn’t deserve to be upset, not when he knew someone had it so much worse. 

Someone who was suffering right at that moment because of him.  

Keith felt like a thousand tiny knives were stabbing him in the gut, bringing more tears to his eyes. His face felt raw, and he knew he was a mess, but couldn't find it in him to care. God, he would do anything to just curl up into a little ball and die, but he couldn't. Not when he had made a big mistake and had yet to fix it. 

Not when he had hurt Lance.  

“Keith?” Hunk’s came through the door. 

His head snapped out of the train wreck his thoughts had become and Keith glared at the door. 

“What, Hunk?” he replied, hoping his voice didn’t sound as broken as it felt. 

Hunk seemed to pause for a few ticks, contemplating what to say. 

“No one’s seen you in a day, we’re all getting worried.” 

Keith huffed, a grim smile on his face as he considered the lie. 

“I don’t know what happened. Pidge and Shiro won’t say anything, neither will Lance. But if something happened, can you at least let me in so we can talk?” Hunk’s voice was cautious, like trying to approach a wild animal. 

“No, Hunk,” the mention of their names struck a chord in him and his annoyance slipped away, giving way for the choking guilt, “Please... just go away...” he murmured, his voice meek. 

“Keith...” Hunk grumbled, “open the door.” 

Keith threw up his arms in frustration. 

“Fine, fine!” he stormed over to the door, unlocking it. He waited for Hunk to open it himself. 

When he did open the door, Hunk stared at him, eyebrows pinched together in confusion and worry. 

“You’re a mess,” he said, watching Keith’s face contort into a fierce glare. 

“No shit, Sherlock,” he crossed his arms. 

“You need to have dinner.” 

“Are we having a ‘state-the-obvious’ party?” 

“It looks like I need to, since you won’t realise it yourself,” Hunk replied. 

Keith opened his mouth, but closed it, lacking the words to reply. 

“I already made the mistake of leaving my best friend alone, I won’t make it again,” Hunk said, softly, “Please. Tell me what’s wrong.” 

Keith flinched, looking at the floor  

“I-I can’t,” guilt curled in his gut, tying a knot, “not yet.” 

He had hurt Hunk’s best friend. He couldn’t look at him, not without the unending shame and guilt rising up like bile in his throat. 

“Keith,” Hunk murmured, trying to catch his eye. 

“No, Hunk. Just drop it,” Keith hissed. He stumbled past Hunk, avoiding his concerned gaze and hurried down the hallway. 

He ignored Hunk’s calls as he sped down the corridor, trying to untangle the knot in his stomach. His eyes scanned the empty hallways just in case anyone decided to walk out at any given moment. Keith just wanted to be alone with his lion. 

Hoping Red’s hangar was empty, Keith made his way there, nervously fidgeting his hands as he went.  

As he entered the spacious hangar, his heart got lodged in his throat, causing him to stutter and stumble a bit. 

Lance was stood in front of Red, his back turned to the door, maybe he was speaking, maybe he wasn’t, Keith couldn’t hear over the pounding in his ears. He was pathetic; he was frightened of Lance’s reaction to him.  

Seconds seemed to pace by at a snail's rate, Keith unable to form words or turn and leave. He wanted to apologise, he wanted to fix things. He wanted Lance to scream at him, tell him his apology is worthless, that he’s pathetic and stupid. He wants Lance to turn around. 

But he’s afraid.  

Keith would never call himself a coward, but in this moment he sure felt like one. He can take Zarkon head on, but he can’t apologise for being a terrible person for fear of losing one member of his family. Not again. 

“Are you just going to stand there?” Lance said, slowly, his back still turned. There was no malice in his tone, only curiosity and emptiness. That was the only way Keith could describe it. 

Keith flinched, tears pooling in his eyes again. He didn’t deserve to cry. He frantically tried to strong words together, anything to tell Lance how sorry he is.  

“I-I... I’m so... I’m so fucking sorry!” Keith yelped, unable to steel himself for Lance’s reaction, “I fucked up! A-and I’m sorry!”  

Shit, was he crying? 

Unable to hold back a sob, Keith let the tears flow.  

Lance didn’t reply. 

Keith waited, fear gripping him and dragging him into an ocean of anxiety. Frustration managed to bubble up in him.  

Lance was still turned around. 

Please...  

He wanted Lance to hate him- it was what he deserved. But he didn’t do anything. Lance just stood there, shoulders trembling slightly. 

“Do something,” Keith choked out, “Please!” 

No reply. Lance didn’t move. 

“Yell at me! Punch me! Hurt me- anything!” he begged. Tears flooded down his face. 

Nothing. 

Lance did nothing. 

“Come on! Please! Just- just turn around! I’m sorry!”  

Now he just looked pathetic. He let out another sob, eyes stinging. 

“P-please...”  

Sobs tumbled out of him like an avalanche, dunking his insides into ice cold terror. He could handle Lance berating him, punching him or whatever. Not this.  

He couldn’t handle the silence. He couldn’t look at Lance’s back anymore. It hurt him like Lance had stabbed him in the heart and twisted the blade. But Lance would never do that to anyone. Lance was too good to hurt a friend like that. 

Then Lance did something Keith didn’t expect. 

He turned around. 

Lance had a small, pained smile on, tears flowing down his face and his arms stretched out, gesturing Keith to come hug him. 

Keith’s jaw dropped, hanging open as more tears fell. 

Before he realised it, Keith was running into Lance’s arms, sobbing into his shoulder. He gripped onto Lance’s back like a lifeline. 

He felt Lance crying into him as well, but he was too overwhelmed to care. Lance lowered them to the ground when he felt Keith’s legs buckle. 

Keith blubbered apologies when he wasn’t sobbing heavily into Lance’s coat. All his guilt, pain and grief was released into Lance’s warm arms. 

They stayed like that for God knows how long, Keith eventually calming down and snuggling into Lance’s comfortable embrace. 

After letting his thoughts catch up with him, Keith pulled himself back to stare into Lance’s encompassing blue eyes with only one question on his mind. 

“Why?” he croaked, voice strained.  

Lance’s eyes filled with confusion, before being enveloped in a softness that made Keith want to cry again. 

“Why not?” Lance joked, a wide smile gracing his lips. Keith could see the bags under his eyes still and his face was blotchy from crying into Keith’s shoulder. 

Keith almost smiled, but he desperately wanted to understand. 

“B-but... I don’t... I don’t deserve this. I-I hurt you. I hurt you so many times,” Keith murmured, avoiding Lance’s questioning gaze, “ I was so horrible to you. Y-you shouldn’t forgive me.” 

“Keith...”  

“Wh-why don’t you hate me...?” Keith whispered, “I’m a terrible person...” he glared at the ground around him 

Lance gently grabbed Keith’s chin, pulling his head so he’ll meet Lance’s gaze. His blue eyes were confident and reassuring, eyebrows creased. 

“Hey, no,” Lance said, “Don’t say that. Would I have hugged a terrible person?” he asked, waiting for a response. 

Keith swallowed, thickly, and shook his head. Lance smiled. 

“Exactly. Anyway, how could I hate you?”  

Keith’s eyes widened and in that moment he wanted to kiss Lance. 

Wait, what? That’s new? 

There was a sort of longing in Lance’s gentle stare, making Keith want to stay there forever in his arms. His forgiveness swelled Keith with happiness unlike any he’s felt before. His smile made him feel like he could carry Red with his own two hands. He felt comfortable hearing Lance talk, his voice soothing him whenever he felt down. 

Everything about Lance made him feel home. And he loved it. 

He loves Lance. 

He hadn’t realised how much he missed Lance’s lilted, teasing voice until he heard it again. He missed the way Lance could make anyone feel comfortable easily, himself included. 

He wants to sit with Lance and talk about mundane things, just to hear his voice and see his eyes sparkle when he talked about everything he was passionate about. He wants to hear all about Lance's family.  

He wants to lie in the dark with Lance in comfortable silence, no words needed, revelling in each other’s company. 

While his mind was racing, he hadn’t noticed how close their faces were. 

Lance probably doesn’t love him back. Who could love someone who hurt them so much? Lance is a nice guy, but not that stupid. There was no guarantee that Keith wouldn’t do it again.  

“Hey, you should stop thinking so much,” Lance’s joking tone cut through his thoughts. His hand was on Keith’s cheek, cupping his jaw. 

Lance’s ocean eyes were filled with warmth and care that Keith only wanted directed at him. His pupils were so dilated, Keith could only see a small ring of blue around a loving black void that pulled him in like a magnet. 

They were so close. Keith could feel Lance’s breath on his lips. He exhaled shakily, holding Lance’s soft gaze. 

“Can... can I kiss you?” Lance asked, nervousness resonating in his voice, but his eyes still tender as they continued to meet Keith’s. 

Keith stared at him, red dusting his cheeks, and he nodded, slowly, as though any sudden movement could snap them out of this moment. 

Lance’s face lit up with bright happiness, his infectious smile reaching his eyes. 

When their lips met, it was chaste and sweet, but felt like it lasted a lifetime. Keith could taste the salt from their tears, but Lance’s lips were so soft and perfect and he didn’t want to pull away. He wanted to show Lance how sorry and grateful he is. 

But when they pulled away, Keith leant his forehead on Lance’s, meeting those daytime eyes with his night-time eyes 

“Thank you,” he whispered, happiness fuelling his veins, lighting up his heart. 

Lance smiled even wider and let out a cute giggle. Keith joined him, his eyes full of love. They both moved to give each other better access for a kiss. 

“Finally,” Pidge’s bored voice came, popping them out of their bubble. 

They snapped apart with a small yelp from Keith. 

Lance’s head snapped up with a large grin on his face, red dusting his cheeks, while Keith’s face completely flushed a bright red as he turned around to see Hunk and Pidge standing in the hangar. 

“Nice one, buddy,” Hunk smirked at Lance, putting his thumbs up.  

Lance winked and returned the gesture, his smile brighter than it had been in weeks. Keith wanted to make sure his smile was always that bright and warm. 

“Dinner’s ready,” Pidge said, smiling, despite her exasperated expression before.  

Keith really felt a part of one big family. His heart filled with joy, as he returned his eyes to Lance. Even Red was making teasing, but proud, remarks in his head. 

The Cuban got to his feet, holding out a hand for Keith. He graciously took it and allowed Lance to pull him into another one of his amazing hugs. 

Lance knew in his heart that he wasn’t completely healed yet. But he also knew that now, he had his space family with him and that was enough. 

“Hey, Hunk, you owe me like 10 dollars,” Pidge smirked, causing Hunk’s previously laughing face to drop like an anchor. 

“Piiiiiiidge, I don’t even have any dollars on me,” Hunk whined. 

“Wait, what’s going on?” Keith tilted his head, curiously.  

Lance narrowed his eyes, suspiciously. Pidge’s smirk only grew under his gaze. 

“We made bets on how long it would take for you two to get together.” 

“Anyway, you owe me as well, Pidge. I said Lance would make the first move.” 

“Actually, it was a mutual thing.” 

“No! Lance asked first!”  

“How long were you two watching us for?!” Keith yelped, face turning red. 

“I have cameras everywhere.” Pidge replied. 

Keith spluttered slightly and Lance’s face was slightly flushed, but he laughed it off and wrapped an arm around Keith. 

“You still owe me,” Pidge poked Hunk in the arm. Hunk slapped her hand off with a distasteful glare. 

“I’ll make you a robot.” 

“Only if I get to program it.” 

“Deal,” Hunk leered, eyes flashing mischievously, “But you’ve gotta give me your lion slippers.” 

“What?! They wouldn’t even fit you!”  

“So? I’m starting a collection.” 

Pidge groaned and rolled her eyes, before agreeing.  

Lance let their new conversation topic slip into the background. 

All of their promises and reassurances echoed in his head, shutting down that dark voice that had plagued him for so long.  

He grabbed Keith’s hand, tangling their fingers together, and all four of them left the hangar, light chatter and laughter breaking the silence of the castle for the first time in what felt like eons. 

‘This is enough’, Lance thought, admiring Keith’s giant smile as he gave Lance a loving look. 

‘I am enough’, and he meant it.