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As the years go on, she feels herself wearing down. She didn't expect to age like this- for a long time, she didn't expect to age at all. And then she was thrust into an environment where time passed normally. And then she had to give up 20 years of her life.
It had hurt, losing that much youth in Wonderland. Or rather, not youth, but life. In the span of seconds she had aged so quickly she didn't recognize herself the next time she caught a glimpse of her reflection. One stupid mistake in a game of chess- rook to E5- was all it took. Though she could argue that it was a collection of stupid mistakes that cost her so dearly, starting with her going to Wonderland in the first place.
She always knew aging was going to be painful- aching joints and sore muscles, headaches and back pain and stiffness. But all of that and more had hit her like a freight train as she lost the game, and it knocked the breath out of her. The sound of laughter all around her, cruel and loud, as she curled up on the floor and whimpered. She can remember even now the way Cam rubbed her back, helped her up. He didn’t deserve the fate she doomed him to. It’s one of a million things that keep her up at night.
Mortality hangs over her like a dark cloud, following her wherever she goes. And as her mind and body age, she feels it, feels herself dying slowly. Magnus goes before she does- he's in his fifties and his body just gives out. Too many years of adventuring and rushing in. She holds his hand as he dies, and when she cries it's for her friend, but also for herself. The clock is ticking and it won't be long before it's her, lying in her bed and breathing her last. The thought terrifies her, even though she's lived much more of a life than she probably deserves. A century's worth of lives, and then some. Intellectually, she knows her time will come, and when it does, she will have lived a rich and fulfilling life.
Even so, she's afraid.
She's lived alone for years now, since all of her friends have- well, maybe not moved on, but have found a place in this world they cursed, then saved. She has too, in transforming the Bureau of Balance into the Bureau of Benevolence, assisting in rebuilding efforts, helping out however and whenever she can. She’s not Madame Director, not anymore. She’s Lucretia again.
Life has become a precious thing to her over the last decade or so. She can’t help her friends, can’t save the world if she’s dead, so she takes care of herself the best she can. Yoga in the morning, jogging at night, eating healthy foods, getting in a full night’s sleep when she can- not often, with her night terrors as frequent as they are. But she does her best to keep herself in shape. Gets her vaccinations and booster shots, goes to her yearly check-ups. And she feels healthy. Even as she gets older and older, she stays active, keeps eating her fruits and vegetables and proteins, keeps taking her multivitamins. Even in her late eighties, she feels… maybe not young, she hasn’t felt young in a while, but she’s certainly not frail.
So it's a surprise when she wakes up on a chilly Sunday morning to Lup sitting on the foot of her bed, watching her.
“Mornin’, sunshine. Did I ever tell you what a silver fox you are?”
As welcome as the sight of Lup normally is, Lucretia is old, and she's wary. The first thing that she notices is that her body is so, so tired today- she's in her nineties, and there aren't many days anymore where her body isn't tired. But today is different. She feels her heart beating slower, like it's having to struggle to pump blood through her body. And there's a feeling of inevitability hanging in the air.
“Why are you here?”
Lup looks apologetic when she says, “I think you know, Luc.”
Lucretia wants to be calm, to be collected and nonchalant, but she feels her hands shaking and tears start to form.
“No,” she whispers, and suddenly she's afraid. And she hates herself for feeling that way- hasn't she died before? Hasn't she died so many times before, not knowing whether it would be her last chance at life? Maybe she'll die and everything will reset. She'll be on a new plane with her friends, and she'll be twenty-three again.
But she doesn't want that, not really. Even though she hasn't had to run from the Hunger in a long time, even though she hasn't had to think about the Hunger in a long time, the thought of cycling endlessly through planes makes her stomach turn. No. This is it for her. No more resets, no more living lives she doesn't deserve. She's going to die and she's going to be dead, no asterisk, no fine print. It'll be the end, and she's afraid.
“I'm so sorry, hon.” Lup watches her from where she's seated, not making a move towards her.
Lucretia rubs at her eyes, angry and embarrassed that she's crying over this in front of Lup. She wanted to be stronger than this. But finality is scary- it's closing a book, knowing there's no sequel. It's finishing a novel, knowing that'll be her last paycheck. It's dying, not knowing when she'll get to see her friends again. The harder she tries to dry her eyes, the harder she cries until her body is wracked with sobs and she can't breathe.
But Lup is there, suddenly, arm around her, pulling her in, stroking her thin hair and whispering platitudes. Telling her it’ll be okay. That it’s not that bad. And Lucretia clings to her, crying into her cloak pathetically.
Lup keeps stroking her hair, holding her close as Lucretia finally pulls herself together. She doesn’t move for a while, just stays hunched over in Lup’s cool embrace. And Lup doesn’t rush her, doesn’t even move, just lets Lucretia cling to her until she’s ready to face her.
“Gods,” she sniffles, “I told myself I’d be better than this. Magnus went quietly, for heaven’s sake.”
“Magnus also ate part of the Light of Creation for kicks, so I’m not sure you should be following his example.”
Lucretia laughs, and wipes her nose on her sleeve. Lup kisses her forehead and wraps her in a hug.
“Everybody's here,” she says softly. “Me and Bar thought you'd want to see them.”
“Thank you.” Lucretia says, and dries her eyes. “Should I put a bra on? I feel like Merle’s going to hug me and he doesn't need a face full of old lady boob.”
“Hon, he doesn’t deserve a face full of old lady boob. Hey, totally unrelated question though, if I motorboat you before you die, is that cool?”
“If you motorboat me I will use my dying breath to turn you into a frog.”
“Still kind of sounds worth it, though?”
Lucretia tries hard not to smile, she really does. Then, with a shaky breath in, she says, “Fuck it. Bring in the mourners.”
Lup kisses her forehead, and stands up. As she steps out of the room, Lucretia feels her heart beating slower and slower and for a second, she can't breathe. She panics, afraid she's going to die before she sees her friends one last time. But she catches her breath, and just in time for Merle to poke his head through the doorway.
“How ya feeling, Lucy? Any pain?”
Lucretia smiles. “No, surprisingly. It's nice to see you, Merle. You look good.”
He does- he's tan and his beard is better-kept. All of him looks less grimy, actually, and his eyes have a new twinkle to them. Mavis and Mookie trail in behind him, and they’ve both grown so much. Mookie is working on a beard that doesn’t quite suit his still-round face, and Mavis has gotten tall for a dwarf- she’s taller than Merle. They smile at her, though she can tell Mavis is holding back tears.
Davenport and Barry come in next, followed by Taako and Angus, then Avi, Carey, and Killian. Taako hangs back, standing in the doorway, not quite looking at her, and while that hurts a little, he's still here. He still came.
Everyone else gathers around her bed, and it's a crowd. Lucretia is overcome by a rush of gratitude that she's been lucky enough to have so many friends. Lup is holding her hand and Merle’s hand is resting on her shoulder as Angus sits at the foot of her bed. Carey and Killian are holding hands, wedding bands briefly catching the morning light. Everyone is quiet- nobody is crying, not yet.
Lucretia breaks the silence. “Thank you all for coming. Refreshments will be served following the main event, and you'll want to see Lup for parking validation.”
A few people laugh nervously, and it’s awkward until Merle speaks.
“What kinda refreshments are we talking? You didn't cheap out on us, didja?” Merle has tears in his eyes now, and bless him, but Lucretia genuinely can't tell if he's crying over her or the possibility of being faced with a vegetable platter.
“Is there an open bar afterwards? I was told there’d be an open bar.” Avi is holding back tears, too, voice cracking. Carey grabs his hand, squeezing it gently.
Lucretia smiles at her friends, her family. The people who have loved her, the people she has loved for years and years, have come to see her off. It means more than she can think to say. And she knows the clock is ticking on this, knows she doesn’t have long. But she wants to spend the rest of her time here, with the people she loves. She wants to hear their stories. And so, they talk.
“Taako and Lucas have both offered me tenure, which is really amazing, and I’m almost done with my third PhD! I’m coaching the soccer team and they’re doing so good. I wish you could have come to more games.”
“We just got a ton of applications to the BoB so we’re digging through those. Lucretia, it’s crazy how many people want to be a part of your organization. We’re doing so much good, and people see that. You started something amazing.”
“Business is goin’ great, we’re still getting teens shipped to us from all over the country-”
“Dad, come on, we’ve talked about this-”
“-and they’re lovin’ it! We’ve got so many future adventurers, and these little rascals have started their own classes! How damn cool is that?”
“I get to teach a survival-in-nature class, and Mookie teaches a section on what’s safe to eat in the wilderness.”
“It’s all about findin’ the roughage.”
“Me and Lucas are working together, he’s building his airships and teaching me how to pilot them. I get to give design input, too, since I’ve got a pretty extensive aerodynamics background.”
“Me and Bar are still reaping, obvs, and it’s going great. You wouldn’t think working for a death goddess would be that dope- you know what, that was a dumb sentence. Let me put it this way: working for a death goddess has never been doper.”
“I’ve got plans to sail to the Whalebones next, I don’t know how I haven’t made it there yet. There’s supposed to be some really beautiful flowers growing there, I wanted to bring some back for you.”
Most of this Lucretia already knows- she keeps in touch with her friends, spends hours and hours each day reading and writing letters. But it’s so good to hear how well they’re doing right here in person. And they’re all doing so well.
Taako doesn’t say anything, though, doesn’t contribute to the conversation or even tell Lucretia how his business is going, just leans up against the doorframe, barely even looking at her. For a second she’s angry. Why is he here? Why did he come, if he’s just going to ignore her, refuse to even share his life with her? Then she’s angry at herself- what did she expect? She ruined his life. She ruined all of their lives. How selfish of her to expect forgiveness from any of them. That he’s here is enough.
They talk and talk and talk, catching up and enjoying each other’s company until Lucretia starts to feel lightheaded and realizes she’s struggling to breathe again. Lup strokes the back of her hand with her thumb and looks at her.
“Not to harsh anyone’s vibe but I think it’s time.” She stands up. “Ready, Luc?”
She’s not ready, not by a long shot, but she says, “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
Lup is standing in front of her bed, holding out a hand. Waiting for Lucretia to get up and take it. Part of Lucretia still wants to turn and run for the door, but she knows she can’t move that fast, not anymore. And she's got to be strong for her friends.
She stands up, and doing so takes more effort than normal, but she won’t die lying down. She's thankful Lup is giving her the option not to. Every step is agonizing, leaving her lungs burning and her head dizzy, but Angus and Davenport help her walk over to Lup, and everyone crowds around her for one last, big group hug. Even Taako is in on it, although he’s on the outside of the circle. Everyone is crying now- it’s like the dam has broken. When they finally let go of her, Lucretia turns to face them.
“I love you all so much. Thank you.” There’s a lump in her throat, and she feels hot tears welling up. “Thank you for everything.”
She turns back to Lup, and when Lucretia reaches out to curl her fingers around Lup’s, they start to fade as everything around her turns white.
“Wait,” she says, panicked, “Lup, don’t leave-”
“I’m right here, Luc.” Her voice is distant, like she’s in a different room. She can’t feel Lup’s hand anymore, and when she realizes that, she also realizes she can’t feel her own hand, either. Her friends are getting blurrier and blurrier, and she’s fading into the whiteness until suddenly she’s not. The world around her is grey and bleak but there’s Lup, holding her hand and smiling at her.
“See? Not so bad, right?”
Lucretia nods, and looks around. She’s on an island, surrounded by a quiet sea lit from within by hundreds of millions of glowing orbs.
“Magnus got the same deal. Where he gets to stay in his body, kind of. It’s complicated to explain? Basically, you get to be like this,” she gestures to Lucretia, “instead of that.” She points to the ocean. “Not forever, but for a while.”
“Is he here?”
“Yeah. I told him you were coming. Wanna go say hi?”
Lucretia nods, and suddenly there’s a cottage in front of her and Lup. A tiefling woman stands in the doorway, waving at them, and then turns to yell into the house. Two dogs come running out, one much faster than the other, and Lucretia recognizes it as Johann. She’s never seen the other dog before, but they both come up to her, tails wagging, licking her hands. When she looks up, there’s Magnus, running across the yard towards her. She barely has time to smile before he’s picking her up, hugging her, twirling around the yard with her.
“Magnus!” She’s laughing, wrapping her arms around his neck so he doesn’t drop her, and when he finally sets her down they’re both dizzy. Lup is laughing at her from a few yards away, and Magnus is smiling and crying.
“Lucretia,” he says, “I’m so happy to see you. I mean, I’m sorry you died and all, but gods, it’s so nice to see a familiar face.”
“Hey!” Lup flips him off, and he waves a hand dismissively in her direction.
“Yeah, I’m with her,” Julia comes up, wraps an arm around Magnus’s waist. “How many familiar faces do you need? Face-hog.”
Lucretia feels a tear run down her cheek, and she realizes with a start that she’s crying.
“It’s so good to see you again, Magnus. I’ve-” She wipes her eyes with the palm of her hand. “I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you too, Lucretia.”
She smiles, and turns to Julia. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“Too long! It feels like you dropped him off on Dad’s doorstep eons ago. Which, I don’t think I ever got to thank you for that, so. Thank you.”
Lucretia feels her stomach twist guiltily. “I’m glad something good came from my…” She wants to say mistake, but it doesn’t feel harsh enough of a word.
“Luc, it’s okay.” Magnus’s hand is big and warm on her shoulder, familiar and friendly.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, “I’m so sorry. Even after all these years, I’m so, so sorry.”
He pulls her into another hug, holding her close, and she starts sobbing. Julia’s hand is on her back, and Lucretia lets Magnus hold her until she can breathe again. When she lets go of him and steps back, Julia smiles at her.
“You look like a woman who could use a cup of tea. How does orange spice sound?”
“It sounds good.” Lucretia turns to look at Lup, who nods and starts walking over. She’s almost by Lucretia’s side when the tattoo on the back of her hand starts glowing red. She looks down at it and groans.
“Shit. Sorry, guys, that’s the bat-signal. Gotta go kick some lich ass.” She sees the look on Lucretia’s face, and steps in to kiss her cheek.
“I’ll be back, okay? Catch up with Mags, get your human-to-human bonding in.”
Lucretia nods, and as Lup walks away, she tries to say, ‘I love you,’ but the words die in her throat. Instead she says, “Be careful,” and Lup turns to grin at her.
“When have I ever not been?”
She summons an impressive scythe from out of thin air and slashes a shining portal in front of her. She steps through it, backwards so she can blow a kiss to Lucretia, and then she’s gone along with the portal.
The tea that Julia makes is sweet with a hint of spices, and it’s soothing and somehow familiar. She sits with Magnus and Julia at a hand-carved kitchen table, taking small sips of her tea in-between blowing on it to cool it off.
“So, let me guess. You went out fighting a dragon or a demigorgon or something super cool, right? Since I died of old age. That only makes sense.”
“Sorry to break it to you, but mine was old age, too.”
“Lame.” Julia elbows him, hard from the sound of it, and he laughs. “Sorry, sorry, it’s not lame. How old were you?”
“Ninety-six. I thought I was going to make it. Be the first human to have lived two full centuries.”
“Man, you must’ve been so wrinkly.”
As he says that, it occurs to Lucretia that she has no idea what she looks like. “Do you have a mirror anywhere?”
Julia thinks on that for a second, brows knit.
“Come to think of it, no. I haven’t seen a mirror here once.”
“What do I look like?” Lucretia asks.
Magnus looks younger, not like he did when he died. There’s no grey in his hair or sideburns, no lines creasing his forehead. He looks like he did when Lucretia… when he was living in Raven’s Roost, the first time. Young and healthy. She wonders if she looks the same, wonders what age this body is stuck at.
“You look like, uh… young-ish? Not IPRE-young, but not Madame Director-old.”
Before Wonderland, then. She closes her eyes.
“Do you know how long we have? Like this?”
“I kind of figured it would be until everyone was here. So we can make plans to hang out as glowy orbs, maybe? I dunno. Kravitz never really said.”
Lucretia finishes her tea, and puts her cup down with a clink. She’s so, so tired all of a sudden. Death has been exhausting so far.
“I don’t know if Lup told you, but we have a room for you. If you want to stay here.”
“Jules made the bed,” Magnus adds, clearly proud. “Uh, I should clarify, she physically made the frame, she didn’t tuck the sheets in and all that stuff.”
“I did that too,” Julia stage-whispers to Lucretia. “Julia, she does it all.”
Lucretia laughs. “I would love to stay here. Thank you so much.”
“Hey, you’re family.” Magnus wraps an arm around her, and takes her cup and saucer to the sink. There’s a warm, glowing feeling in her chest, and she’s struck, again, by how many kind people she has in her life.
The three of them play Old Maid and Rummy and just as Lucretia is about to destroy Magnus at Blackjack, a tear appears in the kitchen and Lup steps through. Her hair is mussed and there’s a few tears in her cloak, but she doesn’t look much worse for wear.
“Hey,” she says, and sees Lucretia’s hand. “Ooh, Maggie’s about to get it, huh?”
“Oh no,” Magnus says, distraught, and looks at his cards.
“Wow, way to ruin the surprise.”
Lup leans down for a kiss, and sees Lucretia’s face.
“Hey, I’ve got some paperwork to do back at the ol’ Stockade, but I can tuck you into bed if you want. You’re looking sleepy.”
“I’m not five,” Lucretia protests, but she stands up all the same. Turning to Magnus and Julia, she says, “Thank you again for the tea, and the cards. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“I’ll be here,” Magnus says, and laughs. He hugs her, and she waves as she heads for her room. It’s beautiful and homey, it really is- the bed is a four-post canopy covered with intricate designs that must have taken forever to carve. There’s a dresser and a desk that looks just like the one she had on the Starblaster. She sits on the bed, and looks at her hands. Lup sits next to her, and pats her lap.
“Want me to play with your hair?”
“Please.” Lucretia rests her head on Lup’s thigh, and her fingers are running through Lucretia's tight curls.
“I love you,” Lucretia whispers.
“I love you too, Luc.”
They stay like that in silence until Lucretia starts to falls asleep- interesting that even in death, sleep is an option, she thinks- and then she feels Lup moving her, tucking her into bed.
“Lup,” she slurs, mouth clumsy with sleep, “don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere, babe.” The mattress behind Lucretia sinks down with a groan as Lup slides under the covers behind her, wrapping her arms around Lucretia. Her body is hot, almost burning against Lucretia’s skin, but it’s familiar.
“Why can’t I live with you.” It comes out as a whisper, almost like Lucretia hopes if she says it quietly enough, Lup won’t hear her.
But she does, of course.
“Me and Bar don’t have a house like this. Neither does Kravitz or any of the other reapers. I mean, we hang out in the Stockade for work stuff and you know we’ve got that cottage outside of Neverwinter, but. I don’t have a house like this to offer you, Luc. If I did, we’d be there.
“This isn’t me trying to dump you on Mags and Julia, you get that, right? Please tell me you get that.”
“I get it,” Lucretia whispers, and her heart hurts. Interesting how this body construct mimics living human feelings. Lup tightens her arms around her, and kisses the back of her neck.
“I love you, Lucretia. And I promise as soon as it’s an option, Bar and I are gonna build a big beautiful house that makes this one look like shit. You’re gonna be in charge of painting all the rooms and doing interior decorating and all that nonsense and we’re gonna have a thousand spiral staircases and a billion libraries and I’m gonna carry both you nerds across the threshold every single day.”
There are tears running down Lucretia’s face for the umpteenth time today, but she’s smiling.
“That sounds perfect.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Sleep in death is not so different from sleep in life, but that might just be because Lup is there, holding her. Either way, Lucretia sleeps, and does not dream.