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Usually, Carlos got up before Cecil. The way mornings were cold and felt of a sharp pain were only some of the physical reasons Cecil disliked getting up in the morning, not to mention all of the psychological barriers Cecil always felt when he woke up. Though Cecil was almost always awake before Carlos, since Carlos always slept through the ear-splitting sunrise, he wouldn’t get out of bed until he absolutely had to. And, usually, that always ended up being considerably later than when Carlos got up.
For that reason, whenever Carlos didn’t get up around his usual time, Cecil felt a twinge of concern. Carlos only stayed in bed past his usual time for getting up when something was wrong.
Rolling over, and feeling all-too-familiar morning stiffness, Cecil gently shook Carlos’ shoulder. Though he’d been careful to make his touch a soft one, Cecil felt Carlos recoil under the sheets and inch away from where Cecil was sleeping.
“Don’t do that.”
Cecil pulled his hand away. He had a feeling he knew what sort of day Carlos was having.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn't have done that,” said Cecil, yawning and trying to pull himself up, “are you alright, Carlos? You didn’t get up at your usual time. I’m just worried.”
“I’m fine.”
Carlos’ words came out more gritted than usual.
“Carlos.”
Cecil tried to say it firmly, but not so firmly that Carlos would mistake it for anger. Cecil was concerned, and that’s all he was.
“Things don’t feel right today, Cecil.”
The first time they’d had a morning like this, Cecil hadn’t been sure what to do. It wasn’t quite like the mornings where one of them was upset, and talking about it and hugging in the pale light of the morning helped considerably. Cecil remembered the first time he had a day like this with Carlos. Cecil found out hugging wouldn't help, and also learned that too much talking and really, noise in general, could be a problem too. Not all causes of sadness could be mended with physical or verbal affirmations, he realized, because sometimes, those are the kinds of things that would only make the problem worse. And that was okay. At this point Cecil knew what Carlos needed was time, and space. Things that universe naturally provided but humans still needed to provide to one another because the universe can’t do all the work itself.
Cecil rolled out of bed, and got ready for the day in the bathroom, leaving the bedroom relatively quiet. When Cecil was done, he saw Carlos still curled up under the covers, and Cecil felt his worry increase. He bit his inner lip before going downstairs.
Carlos did get up, eventually. With most of his clothes and lab coats feeling bristly and constrictive, he’d settled on his extremely casual night lab coat, the one that Cecil always rubbed his face against when Carlos was wearing it around the house, because on Carlos it was soft and warm and smelled like Carlos.
“You look nice in that lab coat,” said Cecil over his breakfast (which he was trying to eat quietly). Carlos didn’t say anything in response; he sat across from Cecil at the kitchen table with his face in his stuffed dinosaur, which he was holding his arms, tightly. Carlos needed to hug something, or someone, but today was a day where the thought of hugging someone else (even hugging Cecil, the person he felt the most comfortable hugging) felt uncomfortable, like someone was pinning his arms down, pressing their being against his and not letting him go. For that reason, he just hugged his dinosaur, tightly, and it helped provide the sort of feeling he was looking for.
Carlos tried eating breakfast that morning. Cecil had made him oatmeal, the kind with fruit in it, and as grateful as Carlos was he had trouble eating it and almost cried trying to swallow it.
“Is it too hot? Or too thick?”
“Neither of those things. I don’t know why I can’t eat it. It just feels strange in my mouth.”
“I think they’re normal oats, not the ones that were crossbred with hagfish. Maybe you’re just having trouble with oatmeal today.”
“I’m sorry. Usually it’s fine.”
“It’s not your fault, bunny. Just try to eat today, alright?”
Carlos nodded, though he wasn’t sure how much of that was possible.
Cecil had offered to drive Carlos to work, and Carlos took him up on that offer. That said, Carlos had been completely silent the whole ride over. Usually he’d look out the window and marvel at the desert scenery, and how scientifically interesting Night Vale managed to be every day, and talk most of the way over. Instead of that, he just slouched in the passenger seat. Occasionally Cecil would look at Carlos, just to make sure he was alright. He wondered if Carlos should’ve stayed home from work, and just stay in the relatively quiet house all day, but figured Carlos had a good grasp on his limits and whether or not going to work was a good idea. That said, Cecil was still going to worry. He always worried when Carlos was having an off day.
Letting Carlos out of the car, Cecil smiled warmly at Carlos.
“Have a good day, newfie.”
Carlos smiled at Cecil, and nodded.
The work day for Carlos hadn’t been a bad one, but it hadn’t been a great one, either. He was having a day where he only felt like staying in his private lab and trying as best as he could to block out loud noises and louder smells. He said he was doing very, very important science, and that was all he said. Nilanjana knew Carlos well enough to know that meant something was up, and also, that the science Carlos was doing was probably looking at a bunch of gila monsters and working on their new terrarium, which, by the way, was beautiful, Carlos was really outdoing himself with this one, it looked exactly like a desert, with a pit of tar and shrubs and cacti and everything. Nilanjana wasn’t the only one who suspected something was up, but she was the only one who felt like taking fifteen minutes (approximately, time in Night Vale was weird) to see if Carlos was alright. Mark was preoccupied with his machine (which he put mufflers on so it wouldn’t make too much noise for Carlos’ sake, although, wow, it made hearing the bang coming from his machine impossible to hear), and Luisa was telling the potatoes Carlos felt terrible and it was all their fault, they did something didn’t they, don’t they feel ashamed????
“He’s not feeling well, I think I’ll go check on him. See if he needs anything.”
“You’re right. He’ll never win an award if he’s sad. I can’t believe you did this to him. Don’t you care about anyone else’s feelings? I’m so disappointed in your selfish attitude. Can’t you show some care for the wellbeing of others, just once?”
Nilanjana let offense cross her face until she remembered who she was speaking with.
“The potatoes?”
“Yes, the potatoes. You should go talk to him. Oh, stop whining, you’re being too loud. Do you want to make him even sadder? Do you want him to never win an award because you can’t be quiet? I’m ashamed .”
Carlos’ door wasn’t locked; he never locked it. That said, it’d be rude not to knock, since coming in unannounced likely wouldn’t help Carlos’ spirits. At first, Nilanjana thought maybe she didn’t knock loud enough (she’d tried to knock quietly), since there was no reaction from the other side of the door. When Nilanjana was about to attempt another round, the door to Carlos’ lab opened and Nilanjana saw Carlos’ familiar beautiful unblemished face, but lacking its characteristic sense of excitement. It wasn’t very often Nilanjana saw Carlos like this, and she felt her heart sink. This poor man.
“Are you okay? We’re all worried something’s wrong.”
Carlos shook his head.
“Did something happen?”
Carlos shook his head again.
“Oh. I see.”
Nilanjana knew a lot of things about Carlos. She knew he loved science, he loved his husband, he was fascinated by space (he’d read papers), and that he loved the sound Newton’s cradles make when the spheres on it knocked against each other through conserving momentum and energy. She also knew that he didn’t like it when things were too loud, or smelled weird, or when people touched him. And she knew on some days, his aversion to those things was greater than it usually was. There wasn’t a lot that could be done on days like this, except giving Carlos the space he needed. And milkshakes.Actually, that was a great idea.
“We could do Milkshake Thursday, if you want, and if you think that’d help.”
Carlos hadn’t been making much eye contact, or really saying anything, but he managed to look at Nilanjana and smile.
“That would be really nice, actually. But I don’t want you to feel like you are being forced into doing that.”
“We haven’t done Milkshake Thursday in a while. Not since the incident. I don’t think Mark meant to, but we still spent hours cleaning all of the liquidated teeth up.”
“Forgive me for caring about all the luscious calcium in milk, Nils.”
Mark was using a stethoscope on his machine.
“I said you didn’t mean to, just that it was a messy incident.”
“As long as it’s not inconveniencing anybody,” said Carlos, squeezing two of his fingers with his other hand.
“Nah. Ice cream helps, right?”
Carlos nodded.
“T-thank you, Nilanjana. Really. For um, for being so kind.”
Nilanjana nodded back, and then told Mark and Luisa she was going on a milkshake run, and did they want to come and if not what did they want, no she wasn’t getting them from Sonic’s, it burned down last week remember.
“I’m too busy being disappointed to come,” said Luisa, holding a potato peeler to the potatoes on her table, “but...a potato salad milkshake. To show how much I’m disappointed.”
Carlos came home feeling about the same as when he left. Maybe a little better, but not enough to change how so much seemed to be overstimulating him, and how little he felt like talking and doing much of anything. Working on a gila monster terrarium helped. Focusing on the little tar pits and the arrangements of the shrubs and the food dishes while listening to the gentle hum of the lab he worked in always helped. Maybe it didn’t fix everything, but it fixed most things. And, not to mention, he was very lucky that the people he worked with were always so understanding, and always so willing to help if they could.
Cecil picked him up from work, and asked if Carlos was feeling alright, to which Carlos just shrugged and then sighed. It’d been a difficult day, even if it had been a pretty easy one.
When they got home, Cecil did what he usually did when Carlos was having a day like this one. He let Carlos lie down on the couch, and pulled Carlos’ weighted blanket over him. He asked Carlos if he wanted anything before dinner, and Carlos shook his head with a “no thank you, Cecil” before burying his face into his stuffed dinosaur curling up in a ball under his blanket.
It had gotten to a point now where Cecil knew what Carlos needed when hugging or kind words weren’t the sort of thing Carlos would deal with, and the best and only thing he could do was leave Carlos alone, for now. He remembered once trying to hug Carlos after he’d had the day like this, and Carlos had struggled in Cecil’s arms and started shaking when he pulled away. Cecil had been confused, and upset, not sure what he’d done wrong, and not sure how to fix it. Carlos, not prone to raising his voice, practically yelled at Cecil not to touch him like that, his eyes wet and voice trembling. For the rest of the evening Cecil didn’t see much of Carlos, as Carlos had at that point went up to the bedroom and hid underneath the covers for the rest of the night. He’d spent most of that time crying, and the remainder of that time feeling sick with sadness and anxiety over how he’d reacted. It hadn’t been a great night. Cecil didn’t feel well either, and berated himself relentlessly all night for making Carlos feel that way, and for not having the sense to handle the situation better. The thing about learning is that a lot of the time, it requires difficult, painful situations, borne of mistakes and not understanding the situation completely. Without a day like that, it would be difficult to navigate days like the one Carlos was currently having.
When Cecil finished making soup for Carlos, he just left it on the coffee table next to Carlos. He was still curled up underneath this blanket.
“I have soup for you, bunny. Let me know if you’re not feeling like it, okay?”
“Is it broccoli?”
“Yeah! Actually, Steve grew the broccoli in it, I think he did a great job.”
Carlos rolled over and sat up, taking the bowl and eating out of it, slowly at first, and when he found it tasting and feeling perfectly fine, eating it with more speed. Cecil felt a small rush of relief; he worried Carlos wouldn’t each much, if anything.
When Carlos was done, and back under his blanket, Cecil took his bowl into the kitchen and spent most of his evening there, wanting to leave the living room quiet for Carlos but still wanting to be close enough if Carlos needed anything.
Cecil was about ready to go upstairs when he heard the door to the living room creak open and Carlos’ soft footfalls. Cecil kept his eyes on his notes until he felt Carlos’ very warm arms around him, and then Carlos resting his chin on Cecil’s shoulder.
“Hey there,” said Cecil, gently resting his head against Carlos’, “are you feeling better?”
“A little bit. No hugs, though.”
“Yes, of course.”
Carlos moved so that he was resting his face against Cecil’s neck, feeling the warmth there and taking in how familiar and good the scent of it was, feeling so, so glad he could feel that with utmost comfort again. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but it was what felt right in that moment.
“Were you okay today?”
“I was worried about you,” said Cecil, smiling as he noticed Carlos trying to feel where Cecil's voice was in his throat, “but I had a very nice day. I got to report on the Sonic’s that burned down, which was an interesting story to cover. It’s one of the only restaurants that has burned down that wasn’t a pizza restaurant. Big Rico was as surprised as everyone else that it suddenly burned down. The surviving employees all said that it was maybe a result of government intervention. Apparently a supposed government agent forget to get a reduced price parsnip dog on Halloween and burned the place down in annoyance. Or like, that supposedly happened. Nobody knows for sure because there’s no government agents here. I mean, that’s what the government agents said, before getting in a black Sedan and driving away. Oh, and Station Management didn’t make any terrifying noises and only came out once so that they could break the refrigerator. I think listening to relaxing music is really helping them.”
“I’m glad...I’m glad you had a nice day, Cecil. You’re so good at your job.”
“Aww, bunny.”
They stayed in the position they were in for a little while. Carlos kept his head pressed against Cecil’s neck, eyes closed, arms gently caressing Cecil’s chest. Cecil kept his head against Carlos’, feeling that soft, soft hair against his cheek.
Eventually, they both realized the position was a little uncomfortable, and Cecil put his notes away and grabbed his cane and hoisted himself up, wincing a bit, because it'd been a bit of a physically demanding day, and sitting in a chair for that long had its impacts on joint pain.
“If you don’t want to sleep upstairs, you don't have to,” said Cecil to Carlos as he followed him upstairs. It was hard, on some occasions, sharing a bed for Carlos, when he was feeling as much aversion to touch as the day he’d just had. Usually he was fine just sleeping on the other side of the bed and not cuddling, but sometimes, that wasn’t quite enough. And that was okay. That said, Carlos didn’t think he was quite as repelled by the idea as he had been earlier that day.
“I feel like I can tonight.”
“Alright! I’ll be careful, then.”
Carlos stopped, and looked down, squeezing his stuffed dinosaur in his hands, and he felt himself crying again, but for a completely different reason from why he’d been crying most of the day. When Cecil heard Carlos stop walking and start crying, he turned around, concerned.
“Carlos, are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, I am,” said Carlos, wiping one of his eyes but still crying, “it’s just...I love you, so much, Cecil. Because you are so understanding, and you have been so helpful today, and because you’re just...you’re so wonderful and I really, really love you. The universe is huge, Cecil. It would take several years to travel to planets just within our solar system, and comparatively speaking, that is much, much closer to us than the places even further out in the universe. Everything that exists exists within something gigantic. And factoring in all the things that don’t exist, all of this, all of this stuff, it’s even bigger. And the fact that I not only know you but I’m so in love with you and living with you, it’s more remarkable and thrilling than I can say, Cecil. No fraction can quantify how lucky I am, but I am so, so lucky, and I love you so, so much.”
Cecil was crying now, and would have hugged and kissed Carlos in that instant, but wanting to be respectful of Carlos' boundaries at the moment, instead just covered his mouth and tried his best not to stop sobbing right there in the middle of the staircase.
“I love you too,” was what Cecil managed after a few tearful moments, “I love you so, so much, and god, Carlos, I feel just as lucky as you do, every day, and I can’t believe I get to share my life with you.”
Carlos took one of Cecil’s fingers in his hand, and squeezed it. He smiled at Cecil, and Cecil smiled back at him. They walked upstairs that way, and then quietly got ready for bed together.
When they both fell asleep that night, they were on separate sides of the bed. Cecil was stretched out as usual, his limbs going in weird directions that one wouldn't think biophysics would allow, and Carlos was curled up in a ball. They weren’t snuggling the way they often did, but they didn't need to be to feel each others' warmth, and each others' love.