Work Text:
May,1980.
Sirius paced back and forth in their, his and Remus', flat, mind going mad with anger, tension, suspicion and, most of all, worry.
That morning Peter had asked him about Remus's whereabouts and when Sirius had said that Remus hadn't been back home from his mission yet, Peter had looked somewhat concerned if not down right suspicious.
"Why?" Sirius had asked.
" Nothing just..." Peter had hesitated just long enough for Sirius to put down his bottle of beer a little too loudly in the dingy pub where they were supposed to meet an informant.
"I saw him in Knockturn Alley yesterday." Peter had said in a rush. " He was talking to someone and he looked sort of shady so.."
"What sort of shady?" Sirius had steeled his voice despite the hammering in his chest.
" The...the death eater kind." Sirius's world had stopped and for a few excruciating moments those were the only words that he had heard over and over again.
The informant had been a no show and Sirius had been glad for it. He didn't think he could have processed any information after the one he had received. Remus had been so quite lately and Sirius hadn't been able to reach him in any way. There were so many walls between them and no matter how hard he tried to break them down, more appeared.
He remembers the exact moment it had started seven months ago.
Lily had been a month pregnant when James and she had broken the news to them. They had looked nervous but over joyed. Everyone was.
Except Sirius saw how tight Remus's smile was, how tensed his muscles were all the time. He had dismissed it then, thinking it was just his mind playing games with him. They were,after all, in the middle of a war. But later he had casually tried to confront Remus.
" You don't look too happy?" He had said a few days after.
" Of course I'm happy." Remus had said and looked too but then a darkness had fallen on his face that Sirius never liked.
" But?" He had instigated.
" I'm just concerned. We're all still kids fighting a war that we don't fully understand and having a kid in the middle of it...just seems wrong. What if we don't survive?"
" Why do you say that?" He had asked eyeing him warily.
Remus had snorted. "War Sirius. This is war. It might not kill everyone literally. But everyone gets hurt."
" Remus we're together. All of us...."
" That doesn't make us invincible. We're not at school anymore." Remus had sighed.
" Look, Padfoot. I'm very happy for James and Lily. But I'm also concerned. That's all." Remus had said with an air of finality that Sirius had never had the courage to challenge.
After that Remus had started going on these strange missions. Not telling anyone anything. He became more recluse. Sirius knew they weren't allowed to divulge details of their missions to anyone but for Remus he always left clues. When they talked, when things hadn't gone so beyond control and repair, Sirius used to drop clues and he knew..he just knew..that Remus with all his bookish knowledge, picked up on Sirius's hints. He saw it in the way Remus's lips would slightly curl up around the corners but he would still shake his head disapprovingly. Back then Sirius had kissed him to just tell him that it was okay. That everything was okay. Now he wasn't so sure.
When Sirius felt his legs go tired from all the pacing he had done he looked out of the window to see that the sun had set. Only the crimson streaks in the sky illuminated the room. Sirius sat down on the couch, feeling defeated. Was Remus really back?
If Peter had seen him yesterday then Remus had been in town for two days and yet hadn't come home. That single thought was enough to drive Sirius over the edge and he couldn't sit still anymore. He walked over to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, decided against it and settled for a beer instead. As the arc of darkness grew across the horizon, he wondered if this is how his life would turn dark too. Without any Remus to illuminate and guide him, Sirius was sure he would be lost in darkness forever. If Remus broke his heart, no one, not even James, would be able to save him this time.
It was past seven when Sirius heard the door click open and then shut. He knew it was Remus from the way he dumped his shoes at the door way. Nevertheless he had his wand tightly gripped in his hand as he turned away from the door and looked out of the kitchen window, away from Remus.
He heard Remus quietly walk up and lean against the door.
" Hey" he said softly.
Sirius didn't know what to say. He was so fixated on having Remus back that he hadn't thought what he would do after. It was a recent habit too- thinking about what to tell Remus. He had never felt the need to do that before. His throat constricted.
" I've a lot of explaining to do, I see." Remus said.
Sirius heard the tiredness that laced Remus's words. How his words slightly got entangled when he was feeling particularly bad. Sirius choose to ignore it.
" Fuck Sirius. Won't you even look at me?" Remus sighed.
Sirius did, albeit a little hesitantly. He didn't trust himself with Remus. He was sure Remus would apologize for something and Sirius would believe him and despite all the doubts crawling in his mind he would just go back to Remus and accept him like a love sick puppy. Sirius hated that. Remus knew that he was the only person in the entire world who could rip his heart out and still hold it in front of him ,beating. Sirius hated being that vulnerable with anyone but Remus. But now, for the first time, he regretted it.
" Where have you been?" Sirius asked not able to mask his pain.
" You know I can't tell you that but...."
" Why?" Sirius cut him off.
" Pardon?"
" Why can't you fucking tell me?" Sirius raised his voice.
" Padfoot listen to me."
" Don't call me that." Sirius pushed past the kitchen door into the living room.
He turned and look at Remus just in time to see him mask his hurt behind a facade of indifference.
" Peter saw you with a....someone from the outside."
" I know he did. I saw him too." Remus said.
" You've been back two fucking days and now you come home?" Sirius shot back.
" I was still on the mission and he wasn't a death eater. He was a informant." Remus said.
" You look properly bathed and cleaned. You expect me to believe that you just came back from the mission. You usually come back looking like...."
" Like I've been on the streets." Remus finished the sentence." Because that is exactly what happens. But you know what Sirius? Doesn't matter anyway. You clearly don't trust me. So what's the point?" Remus said stalking off towards the bedroom.
" How can I trust you when you wouldn't say anything to me at all?" Sirius shouted.
" Try Sirius. Just try." Remus shouted cloosing the bedroom door behind him.
When Sirius had thoroughly worn himself out from anger and sadness, he noticed that it was past ten. Remus had kept himself locked in their bedroom for three hours! Sirius realized he hadn't heard a sound from the room and sighed. Remus must have put up silencing charms.
Go in there, you ass. Sirius's mind shouted at him. Finally he gave in. Remus was...is tired. Maybe he shouldn't have charged at him
like he had.
" Remus." Sirius knocked on the door.
No answer.
" Remus come on.. please open the door."
Where there was no answer for another half hour Sirius decided to undo whatever wards Remus had put up between them. Sirius didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the tragedy of the situation. After another half hour he finally knocked on the door to let Remus know he was coming in.
He found Remus sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed, knees pulled up to his chest and head buried in.
" Remus."
Despite Sirius's efforts at approaching him with care, Remus looked up , a little alarmed.
" Hey! You okay?" Sirius asked.
" Yeah! Didn't hear you come in." Remus worried his bottom lip. " Sorry about the wards. "
Sirius ignored the tightness that had taken permanent residence in his chest and asked, "Can I..um..sit..beside you?"
Remus nodded and as soon as Sirius sat down, he leaned into him.
" Can I get you something? Food, water?" Sirius asked,soaking in the feeling of Remus so close to him. He smelled different. Sirius guessed the soap and the shampoo he used wherever he had cleaned himself up was different; not his favourite tea and honey scents.
" No. This is good." Remus sniffed and Sirius awkwardly kissed his tangled hair.
"About earlier.... I was worried sick." Sirius felt guilty now. Remus rarely cries. And now after this mission, he really looked bad. Sirius had missed it at first. But then he had noticed-the slight panic and fear just behind his eyes. The way his hair was all over the place because he had pulled at it long and hard.
" I'm sorry. I should've come home directly. I just...." Remus shivered.
Sirius was completed taken aback by Remus reaction. Was he so scared? Of what? He pulled Remus closer to himself.
" Hey...ssshhh...it's okay. You're okay now." Sirius whispered in his ears time and again till Remus stopped shivering.
" Remus I know you're not allowed to talk about anything. But this is not good for you. You're hurting and..and please let me help you. Please." Sirius pleaded.
" Sirius I..my mission was done by yesterday evening. I reported to Dumbledore and...he paid me. The only reason I didn't come back was because..." Remus paused. It broke Sirius's heart to see the huge effort Remus was putting into talking.
" You said I usually come back looking like a vagabond.."
" I didn't mean it." Sirius tightened his arm around Remus.
" It's true. I know how I look when I come back and that's why I didn't come home right away."
" I don't care how you come back as long as you do. Just...."
" Sirius listen. The people Dumbledore sends me to...they..." Remus swallowed audibly." They are vile...and they way they touch each other and breath down and after it's all over I feel so filthy and ugly that I'm one of them...I wish I could shed my skin and crawl in some dark place and disappear."
" Remus you..." Sirius looked at him, wide eyed, madly enraged at the people Remus was talking about.
Remus didn't say anything. He knew he had slipped. He hadn't meant to. But he couldn't keep it all inside him anymore.
" Dumbledore send you to work with Greyback?" Sirius almost shouted and Remus shut his eyes tight and hung back his head.
" I'm the perfect candidate, handcrafted for these missions." Remus whispered.
" Dumbledore can't do this to you." Sirius pulled himself away and sat in front of Remus.
" Of course he can. All I am, everything, the very fact that I'm sitting with you right now, that I love you, get to be with you is all for him. Because he let me be at Hogwarts. He put himself at risk so that I could get an education. I owe him." Remus rubbed his eyes with his sleeves, not looking at Sirius.
Sirius couldn't disagree more. Dumbledore might have allowed him to study but Remus had done all the rest. He had worked as hard as all the rest of them, if not more. He deserved better than to be sent with some wild pack of werewolves who would....Sirius's thoughts hit pause there.
" Remus did they do.... anything to you..hurt you?"
Remus shook his head. " Not the way you are thinking. Not the extreme way...just...they..he..Greyback...he breaths evil. His very breathe on my shoulder feels like a poisonous fume. And he obviously doesn't trust me yet. So he's always onto me. Literally breathing down my neck.That's the only reason I used the money Dumbledore paid me to book a hotel room overnight. I took a bath cleaned myself up. I scrubbed my skin so hard, I drew blood at some places. Sirius you have to believe me all I wanted was to come back home to you. I couldn't get even an hour of sleep. I knew you would be worried but I couldn't bring myself home untill I felt I had left every piece of that vile place behind. I'm so sorry Sirius."
Remus rubbed his eyes and nose with his sleeves, reddening them at the tips. Sirius would have found it adorable in any other world but now Remus looked a right mess. Sirius desperately wanted to hug Remus and kiss all his pain away but he knew this was beyond his capacity to repair. Not unless Remus allowed him to. But maybe this should just be allowed to run its course.
" Would you like a bath?" Remus looked at him ,surprized and Sirius immediately chastised himself for saying something so inappropriate in this situation.
But he saw Remus's lips curve up slightly and knew it wasn't such a bad idea after all.
Sirius drew up a bath with all the right soaps Remus preferred and heated the water just enough to relieve the tension in Remus muscles.
Sirius didn't think Remus would allow him to stay, given all that had happened but when Remus just held his hand slightly as said ," stay.", Sirius could have sworn he was the happiest man alive.
Sirius revelled at the sight of Remus as he sponged him. With his head thrown back, throat exposed, so vulnerable, it would never occur to an outside that they were in the middle of a war. Sirius was sure Remus had dosed off when Remus spoke.
" I saw Lily last week. She looked so beautiful, you know, full pregnant. She was glowing, flushed and happy. James had had a successful mission and thought he was worn out he looked happy too. They were laughing at something stupid and it suddenly struck me that I love you people so much. All of you." Remus said, his eyes still closed and head still thrown back. Sirius smiled. He knew the feeling. He felt strongly protective of his friends too. He would go up against anyone for them.
" Why I don't tell you or anyone about my missions is...Sirius if they find out, there'll be a target on everybody's back. Everyone I hold dear will be in jeopardy if some word got out of who I really am. I cannot risk that, Sirius. You, James, Peter, hell even Lily, pregnant or not is fully capable of defending yourselves. But what about the little child who is on his way? What if there's a target on his back? What if Greyback does to him what he did to me all because I failed?"
Remus said these words with such ease that Sirius couldn't help but admire his courage and patience and capacity to remain calm when Sirius knew better. He could feel Remus shiver beneath him though the water was still quite warm.
" You would never break Remus." Sirius said. And he believed it with all his heart.
" I believe so. But what if I'm wrong? And besides, there are always demons lurking in the shadows. No one knows what might happen and when." Remus opened his eyes, a little unfocused.
" I don't feel so good." He said, coughing and swallowing uneasily.
Sirius got a towel and helped Remus out but suddenly Remus's head reeled and he saw stars dancing at the corner of his eyes, darkness creeping up just behind. His stomach lurched horribly.
" I'm gonna be sick." He gasped before bile rose up his throat.
Sirius took him over to the toilet just in time for Remus to empty his stomach's content in it and not all over himself. Sirius was sure Remus hadn't eaten anything for days because after the initial bout, all Remus did was cough and dry heave violently. When it finally passed, Remus looked ghastly pale and sweaty. It seemed like all the facades he had put up to look like he was in control came crashing down.
As Sirius rubbed circles on his back he asked Remus when was the last time he had eaten something.
" Not in three..four days I supposes." Remus whispered, defeated.
Sirius sighed. " Let's get you to bed."
After Remus had rinsed his mouth, Sirius helped him on to the bed and handed him a pair of pyjamas before going to the kitchen to find some biscuits.
" It's 2.30 in the morning. I can't eat these now." Remus groaned, throwing his hand arms over his eyes and going off to sleep.
" No. You will." Sirius said rather sternly. Remus peaked from below his arm.
" You haven't eaten in three days. You will eat this now and then in the morning I will make you a nice breakfast." Sirius forced one biscuits down Remus throat while shoving the rest few in his hands and then gave him water.
" You're a mother hen." Remus frowned.
" And you love me for it." Sirius said. It sounded more like a question than a statement. It was Sirius's way if asking if they were okay. Remus knew it was the closest thing Sirius would do to apologising for his earlier behaviour.
" Of course I do." Remus smiled, already dozing off.
Sirius turned off the light, checked all the wards and locks of the house and peacefully fell asleep beside Remus.
~~~~~~~
When Sirius woke up early the next morning to the smell of Remus, his hand thrown over Remus's stomach and Remus's hand in his hair,he stated still for a long time, raveling in the beauty of the situation. Remus was here and they loved each other. Sirius didn't want to move but he had promised Remus a hearty breakfast and to deliver that he would need to go to the market. Sirius hadn't bothered with groceries while Remus was gone. There was hardly any bread or egg in the house. He need to get those. He made a mental list and carefully untangled himself from Remus. He noticed a few bruises and cuts that he had been too tired to notice last night and decided to take care of them. He applied an antiseptic cream on those he could get his hands on without disturbing Remus much. Remus stirred but didn't wake up and Sirius was glad. He didn't want Remus to wake before he had some breakfast ready.
He wrote a note telling Remus that he would be back soon just in case he woke up before his return and left it beside Remus before heading out to the market.
~~~~~~~
Remus woke up with a jolt, the beastly face of Greyback still on his mind. It took him a while to realize that he was back home and not on a mission. He tried to calm down. The soft morning light filtering through the white curtains of the window overlooking him helped. He remembered why they had put the bed here in the first place. Sirius had loved the idea of waking up to a clear sky and fresh breeze. Remus breathed easy. He layed back down and wondered where Sirius was when he noticed the paper beside him.
Sirius's impeccable handwriting said,
Good morning, Moony. In case you are already up, don't be alarmed. I am out to get some stuff for the breakfast I promised you last night. Sleep a little more. I'll wake you when I get home.
And, I do love you very much. Didn't get a chance to say that last night.
- P.
Remus smiled as he folded and tucked the note under his pillow, falling asleep again promptly.
Things would be okay. He knew it.