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Graduation went as well as Eli believed it would: as smoothly as a Resurgent Class Star Destroyer crash landing on Coruscant. The ceremony was all pomp and splendor, the cadets’ preening was only outdone by their high classed parents, and Eli’s own had nearly slaughtered him in embarrassment. Eli supposed he wasn’t helping matters in making them more nervous around Thrawn, but that didn’t give them the right to say such upfront things to his face. Thrawn took it in all grace and remained his usual simplistic self.
As soon as they disappeared, however, Thrawn became his less reserved, more complex version. Asking questions of culture, making observations about Eli’s parents…Eli honestly wondered if he picked up their obvious contempt towards Thrawn potentially ruining his career. Either he did and wished not to bring attention to the issue, or he was blissfully unaware. The latter, Eli highly doubted. More likely, it was the former, addled with indifference.
But that possible apathy did not spread to Thrawn’s attitude after their last occasion at the museum. He still was ever social and inquisitive, taking Eli’s word into account and sharing himself within the same bounds he had before. In all essence, thrawn was the same; he did not press further, nor did he retreat into silence. Eli was not sure whether to be thankful or confused. What was thrawn playing at?
The confusion from Thrawn’s actions abruptly turned to rage in a matter of seconds.
Aid to Lieutenant Thrawn, Second Weapons Officer aboard the Gozanti-class cruiser, Blood Crow.
Admitting, Thrawn’s point about having two officers aboard who spoke Sy Bisti was a logical one, but that didn’t mean Eli was willing to forgive that little meddling Thrawn did. Didn’t he realize that with his graduation of stellar standing at such an academy, Thrawn’s word was worth heeding to some? And with the Emperor’s support of the Chiss to back it up?
There was no turning back now. He was now forever out of his own chosen path in life. there was no changing it. Not unless he was of proper rank like an admiral. And the damned chiss had the audacity to claim the rank as a goal to free him. Mocking or not, Eli was resigned to being an aid for the rest of his career. Not only would Thrawn have to appeal to the human standard of excellence, he must take a step further to even be considered as a candidate for promotion due to the prejudice against alien species.
The sign at the museum suddenly flashed in his mind, “no nonhumans beyond this point”, and Eli felt his stomach do a flip, twisting in an uncomfortable contortionist trick.
“Ensign, are you alright?” Thrawn asked, a hand on his shoulder. Eli almost jerked away from the contact, but instead flinched. A less telling motion by comparison.
“I…I’m fine,” he lied. “Just thinking.”
“you never were talented in lying.” Thrawn pointed out, walking around eli to face him properly with an inspecting stare. Eli shook his head.
“Really, I’m fine. I guess I just need some rest.”
Thrawn’s unwavering stare displayed his unconvinced mood, but he did not argue. Eli was free to pass thrawn in the shared living space, and enter his bedroom.
One perk he did obtain was that since he was an aide, he could live in privacy. To a degree. No lieutenant ever received an aide, but since this one had, thrawn was given quarters that was befitting of a lower ranked captain, complete with kitchenette, sitting room, and two bedrooms. Eli was lucky enough to take the other bedroom, his role as translator requiring him to be as close to thrawn as possible at all times.
On one hand, it was a partial blessing of familiarity in this new assignment. He was used to thrawn’s presence, and accordingly how his mind worked when affixing words to translations, as well as cultural and societal translations. But it seemed the Chiss was absolutely blind to any negative hint that eli had been displaying since their arrival to the Blood Crow.
He didn’t want to be bitter about what had happened, but the underlay of ire had yet to abate, and Eli knew he had to address it. And soon before it is released publicly. Absentmindedly, he decided to nap on it for an hour. Perhaps then he would be calmer and could tell Thrawn exactly what he felt besides a simple “no point, not like you can change anything.”
It turned out the ire had decided to take form as a krayt dragon, buning, howling, spitting and pacing in his chest like a caged animal. Eli had half a mind to return to sleep to tame it. But he only had half his mind.
Instead, with newly invigorated purpose, he strode out of his bedroom to the sitting area, where thrawn was perched on the grey couch scrolling though his datapad without so much as a look up.
“Great, now I’m not even worth looking at,” Eli thought bitterly.
“I was worried you had taken ill, Ensign Vanto,” Thrawn said, typing something. “But since you are not, I suggest we take our meal in mess hall 7. It is closest to our quarters, and also passes Captain Virgilio’s office where we can request debriefing for tomorrow morning.
“Why not?” Eli shrugged, the dragon grinning as it took control. “Not like you will listen to my opinion anyway.”
Thrawn paused, powering down his data pad to consider Eli properly.
“But I do, Ensign Vanto. You are my friend.”
Friend. The offending word itself…
“yeah, but why should you?” Eli mocked. “When you obviously have me all figured out and even know what’s best for me, never mind my plans.”
Thrawn’s expression did not change with the sudden heat in Eli’s tone, though Eli could see Thrawn’s mind working overtime at the abrupt change in atmosphere.
“You are still angry at me.” It was not said as a query or a guess; it was a statement. Eli grit his teeth together behind his lips.
“How did you figure that.” Eli muttered, not turning around.
“It is not difficult.” Thrawn replied, ignoring the sarcasm. “I have already assured you, it was never my intent-”
“Yeah well there’s a lot of things you don’t intend to do, but have done anyways!” Eli snapped, cutting him off. He finally whirled around with a grimace, his voice low. “you didn’t intend for me to get stuck with you! You didn’t intend for me to get the same discrimination for being your friend! You didn’t intend for my future to be out of my hands! Ha, you didn’t even intend to like me did you!?
“You don’t intend anything! But yet here we are!”
Eli threw his hands in the air, no longer keeping himself restrained.
“I allowed all this to happen because I didn’t want too much fuss to be made, and look where that’s gotten me! My schooling, my friends, my reputation, my intended career path, all of it, gone!” Eli pointed a finger at Thrawn. “Because of you!”
Eli was now breathing hard, his head abuzz with all the words in anger he had said. He wanted to scream more. He wanted to shout. He wanted to tell every news reporter and gossip columnist on Coruscant that he no longer would allow Thrawn to decide his fate, much less anyone else. He wanted to broadcast it everywhere, let everyone know he was his own person, capable of his own wants and desires. In that one second, Eli felt powerful.
Until Thrawn touched his outstretched hand that was pointing to him, taking it into his own pale azure colored one, the feel of the calloused pads, elegant fingers, and strong steady palm over Eli’s tanned and speckled skin.
“You’re trembling.” Thrawn murmured almost silently, reduced to Sy Bisti but still able to steady the shaky hand within his own two sturdy ones.
Eli became aware that Thrawn was correct. He was shaking. And he felt something sting in his eyes and his face begin to tense, heating up. Eli shook his head with a stuttering breath, pulling his hand away, suddenly afraid of Thrawn’s touch and the unsettling comfort it brought.
“I…I have a right to be mad at you…” Eli proclaimed, albeit lamely. His earlier emotion induced confidence was gone, and all that was left was his regret and guilt to pick up the pieces. Where was that anger when he needed it? He wanted to stay mad at Thrawn. He needed to stay mad. It was only right to be angry at him.
“You do, Eli.” Thrawn agreed, switching back to Basic with a stronger voice. “I have hurt you.”
“You can’t just…control other people’s lives, Thrawn.” Eli’s voice stuttered, but did not break as he continued. “You can’t. even if you think it may make them better…” Eli swallowed a lump in his throat and backed away more. “it’s just…it’s…”
“You feel as though I have taken your rights as a sentient being.” Thrawn concluded, eyes lowering and turning pensive. His posture decreased from its upright stance of conviction, reducing to a demurer and undone pose. It appeared significantly weaker than Eli had ever seen Thrawn show himself as.
“Yes…I have heard this from others as a result of my…interference.” He spoke almost to himself, returning to Sy Bisti.
Eli startled. Others? What others? The question left him as Thrawn’s eyes returned to meet Eli’s.
“I am sorry, Eli.”
Eli’s jaw no longer could keep closed. His expression of shock was only rivaled by his tremor of disbelief. Thrawn? Apologizing? He had stated his “grief” for his actions, but never once apologized for them. He always stated them as a necessary action, no matter how much havoc it caused for others, or even to himself. The only time Eli had ever heard Thrawn say he was sorry was when-
Was when Eli had gotten offended by all of Thrawn’s questioning on the Strikefast and forced him to reckon what his questions may imply towards Eli and his upbringing. Once. Once, Thrawn apologized. But to no one else. Just as he bespoke his intentions, his desires, his beliefs, his plans, his preferences, and his inquiries. All directed at Eli. The nobody. The nobody that had chosen to stay by Thrawn’s side as much as he was commanded to, despite all discomfort and pain that was thrown his way. The nobody who had chosen to remain on good terms with Thrawn, knowing the outcome. The nobody who risked everything at the academy just to spend time with Thrawn in a human only museum at night. The nobody who got a taste of something beautiful, and threw it aside because he was afraid.
He knew why he couldn’t stay angry. He couldn’t because he was glad. Glad he had stayed, but could not admit it. Not even to himself.
Eli surged forward and clattered his face against Thrawn’s gracelessly, grabbing Thrawn’s lips with his mouth. The fear boiled over and trailed down his face in streaks of emotion, forcing Eli’s eyes closed in embarrassment and humiliation for his weakness. His fists worried the front of Thrawn’s uniform, desperate for a firm hold as the Chiss stood frozen in place. Eli forcd himself off Thrawn before he could further embarrass himself, reeling back as though burnt and avoided eye contact.
The silence of the room, with the exception of the ship engines, was deafening.
Eli decided to put the pressure aside and end his miserable state.
“I-I should just-“
one stride was all it took for Thrawn to tower over him and return the action Eli had started. His teeth accidentally clipped Eli’s lip, but he didn’t care. He leaned up into Thrawn’s body and clutched at his uniformed back, desperate for contact. Thrawn seemed more than willing to oblige.
Gone was the experimental gestures in the Museum. Here and now was an untamed and untapped force that was bursting from a core that was denied for so long in the subconscious. Eli didn’t know when he started to regard Thrawn as more, but didn’t care enough at the moment to think on it. He needed more. So much more. The falling returned, but this time it merged with the soaring, both liberating and terrifying at once. Eli could feel the crash approaching, but shoved it away by pulling Thrawn closer to him.
Thrawn, as a reply, removed his mouth from Eli’s and pressed their forehead’s together a third time, their breath mixing together in concoction of musty thick desire, the selfish need for more. Only more. There was no definite end. There was no beginning. It just was…endless.
“I know I blamed you…” Eli managed. “But it’s my doing too…”
Thrawn shook his head against Eli’s.
“I insulted your dignity by depriving you…” Thrawn said, breath heavy. “Yet you forgive me…”
“I know sorry is another way of showing humility, something you told me the Chiss show when they court someone. And you only ever apologized to me. I knew you were telling the truth; that it wasn’t your intent.” Here, Eli chuckled lightly. “Just like how you didn’t intend to favor me, I didn’t intend to feel the same.”
Thrawn sighed, the tension in his body releasing in his single exhalation.
“You are evolving, Eli. As I hoped you would.”