Work Text:
Deleted Scenes From 'The Passion of St. Tibulus'
"Dougal, er, what did you say when you asked for the handcuffs? I mean you didn't... say anything, did you? Anything that might give them the wrong idea?"
"Oh no, not at all, Ted! I just told 'em we were trying something new. They seemed impressed with us, to be honest with you."
"...you what?"
"Yeah, I said we wanted some handcuffs cos we were trying something new. Those were my exact words. Or was it trying something out? No, it was definitely new. Nothing wrong with tryin' new things, is there, Ted?"
"Er, well no, not as such, but you don't think... they might think we're... you know?"
"We're what?"
"We're, you know... using the handcuffs."
"Well we are using them, Ted! Look at us, all handcuffed to the railing nice and proper."
"Yes, but you don't see how your phrasing might lead them to believe we're using them elsewhere?"
"Well, where else could we use them, Ted?"
"In the- oh, good morning, Donal. Yes, it's a wicked film, it is. Wouldn't see it if I was you. Ah, you're seein' it anyway, what a shame. What was I saying?"
"About what?"
"The handcuffs! Where else they might think we're using them."
"Well, where else could we use them, Ted?"
"You just- never mind. The point is, there's a very good chance that John and Mary think we're using these handcuffs in the bedroom."
"Sure and why'd we do that, then? There aren't any railings there, are there?"
"No, but- look. You remember those things we were doin' last night?"
"What things?"
"The things, with the beds pushed together and the hand cream and the- you know?"
"Hm. Nope, not ringin' any bells there, Ted."
"You know, Dougal, you really are a wonder."
"Aw, thanks, Ted."
---
"Well! That was quite a walk, wasn't it, Ted?"
"Yes, Dougal. It was."
"Twice in one day, even! It's far enough from here to the shops without dragging that railing with us. I never want to do that again if I can help it!"
"No, nor I. Look, Dougal, can you just-"
"And who'd have thought Sergeant Thornton would have given John and Mary his handcuffs without the key? I call that absentmindedness."
"Aye well, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you Dougal?"
"About what, Ted?"
"Oh, never mind."
"Boy, I tell you, it's lucky John knew how to pick the lock. You'd think he made a habit of escaping! Maybe that's how he gets those nasty wounds."
"Ah, maybe. Lucky he has his wife to help him, then. Oh, they're a lovely pair."
"That they are, Ted. Ted?"
"Yes, Dougal?"
"Why did you keep the handcuffs, then?"
"To stop anyone else getting in trouble like we did, Dougal. I told you."
"Ah, right, so. You did that. So… not for the bedroom, then?"
"What? Of course not! Why- why would I want them for that?"
"Well sure I don't know, but you made such a fuss about it I thought maybe you wanted to do whatever it was."
"Oh no, Dougal. Priests… don't generally do that sort of thing."
"Ah, well, to be fair, Ted, we do a lot of things priests don't generally do. That thing with the beds pushed together and the hand cream, for a start."
"I thought you didn't-? Never mind. That's a very good point, Dougal, but it's not the point. The point is… is… well, it just isn't done. Besides, there's no key."
"Oh, don't worry about that, Ted! I'm sure I could pick the lock now John's showed me how. As long as I'm not the one in handcuffs, o'course!"
"Ah, heh, course. Right."
"What's all this about anyway, Ted?"
"Well, Dougal, when a man and a man are very lonely and-"
"No, I know about all that, Ted. This handcuff business, I mean. What's the point of it? Why would you want to be tied up like that? Wouldn't you rather be able to move?"
"Well, sometimes- can you not wiggle like that, Dougal? It's distracting."
"Sorry, Ted."
"Sometimes… it's the loss of control that 'does it' for some people. Not that I'd know about that, of course."
"Right, course."
---
"Dougal, are you sure you'll remember how to pick the lock?"
"Sure and all, Ted. what do you take me for? I'm not an addlebrain."
"Eh… y'are a bit, Dougal"
"I am what, Ted?"
"Nothing, nothing."
"All right, you're handcuffed to the bed. Now what?"
"Now. You remember what we did last night? And don't say you don't, because I know you do."
"Ah, fair enough, Ted. So?"
"So… get to it, I suppose."
"Get to what?"
"Don't start that, Dougal. You're the one in control here, remember? I'm handcuffed to my bed, I can't leave… what do you want to do to me?"
"Well, if you put it like that, Ted, there is something I'd like to do."
"Yes?"
"I'd like to… oh, don't make me say it, Ted!"
"Fair enough, Dougal, you don't have to say it. Why don't you just… show me, then?"
"Ah, right, so. I'll just… do that, then, shall I?"
"Dougal, there's no point to me being handcuffed if I'm giving the orders. Just do what you did last night, if you don't feel comfortable-"
---
"How was that then, Ted?"
"Not really up to words just yet, Dougal. Can we not just lie here for a bit?"
"Yeah, sure, we could do that. Ted?"
"What, Dougal?"
"It was all right, though, wasn't it?"
"Dougal, that was absolutely the most interesting thing I've ever done."
"Yeah, but was it all right though?"
"If you ask me any more questions, Dougal, I'll…"
"You'll what, Ted?"
"I'll wait until my brain comes back and then I'll think of something. Yes, it was 'all right'. Now can you unlock these handcuffs?"
"Well how am I supposed to do that, Ted? There's no key, remember?"
"Yes, but you said… you said you could pick the lock."
"Oh, right, sure. You shouldn't clench your teeth like that, Ted, it can't be good for your jaw."
"You can unlock it, then?"
"Yeah, o'course. Just give me… hang on. Ah, no, I've remembered. I can't unlock it. That'd be John. We'll just have to fetch him."
"Fetch. John?"
"Well, you said he probably thought we were doin' these things anyway, there's no problem, is there?"
"You-"
"Wow, Ted, I didn't know you were that strong! Look, you've torn the top of the bed right off. And what's that you're doin' now?"
"Now, Dougal, I am getting a pin. And now I am very nearly shredding my wrists in my effort to get these blasted cuffs off. And now- hah!"
"Oh, well done, Ted, I didn't think you'd be able to do it!"
"You'd be amazed at what a man can do when he's desperate, Dougal."
"Oh, you mean like that time you-"
"I don't want to talk about that right now."
"Ah, right, so. What do you want to talk about? Ted? Ted, you've an awful strange look in your eyes. Ted?"
"What?"
"What're you- oh, Father!"
"Can… can y'not call me that?"
"Sure, and what would you like me to call you?"
"Can you not call me Ted? Like you do normally?"
"Why, what did I call you this time?"
"Never mind. Just don't do it again, right?"
"Right. Right, right, right, oh gods, Ted!"
"...Close enough."