Chapter Text
Peter Parker was never known for having exceptionally good luck. He wasn’t really known for having any luck at all, unless it was bad luck, of course. He did have exceptionally bad luck.
Today was a perfect example of Peter Parker’s exceptionally bad luck. First of all, today was Tuesday. Tuesday’s were just as bad as Monday’s, if not worse. Second, it was fall break.
Now to any other average teenager in the United States, fall break is a wonderful thing. But Peter Parker and his exceptionally bad luck have been notorious for having the worst fall breaks ever. He was always either sick, floundering in homework, in trouble for something, or in this case, getting his wisdom teeth removed.
Now to Peter, the concept of having a total stranger knock him out and pry his teeth out with a fancy pair of pliers seemed like the ultimate horror movie. He had never undergone a surgery in his life, and truth be told, was terrified of the whole ordeal.
May had assured him it was nothing to worry about, but what truly bothered Peter was the fear of what he might say while the Anesthesia was still wearing off. He had seen one too many internet videos of people under the effects of the medicine saying the wildest things.
Peter didn’t really care what came out of his mouth, so long as it didn’t have anything to do with Spider-man.
Which, with his exceptionally bad luck, it would.
And as if the entire situation couldn’t be any worse, he had accidentally let it slip to his friends that he would be getting his wisdom teeth removed, and they decided it would be marvelously funny if they showed up at the dentistry to watch.
Luckily, they weren’t allowed to the back for the operation, and for that Peter was glad…especially since Flash was holding a video camera.
Right of the bat, things began to go wrong. One IV wasn’t enough to knock him out (probably due to the whole Spider-man thing), so the assistants had to jam another one into his other arm. They said it wouldn’t hurt, but they failed to mention that they would be wiggling the needle around in his arm in the attempts to find the vein. It definitely hurt.
But after many failed attempts, Peter Parker was finally passed out in the dentist chair.
Ned was thoroughly excited to see his friend act like all the videos he had seen. It was going to be hysterical. What would Peter say? Hours passed like minutes, as he eagerly awaited the comedy show in store.
“So, what do you guys think Parker is going to say?” Flash asked, putting his feet up on the waiting room coffee table. “Any bets that he’ll spill his deepest darkest secrets?”
“He’ll probably just cuss you out,” Michelle said flatly, never once looking up from her sketch book. “And then fall back asleep. Probably won’t even be YouTube worthy.”
“First of all, shut up, Michelle. Second, I would love to see-”
“Peter Parker is finished now.” A female technician announced from the doorway.
Ned and Flash both jumped up and followed her to Peter’s room, the others trailing slightly behind. The two entered the room, May seated in the corner chair, talking on the phone. Flash hit record and immediately found the best angle to capture all of the hilarity that was about to ensue.
“Hey, Peter,” Ned smiled broadly, walking over to the chair. “How’d it go?”
Peter looked at him and blinked slowly, his sleepy mind trying to process who it was in front of him. “Who’re…you? Oh…hiiiiii. Iss Ned.” A sloppy smile worked its way across his face. “Guysss, iss Ned. He’s…he’s a nice guy. Don’ be scared o’ him. He’sss Ned.”
Giggles erupted from the classmates crowding through the door.
Peter’s head lolled around to face them. “Hey! Don’ laugh at him. Ned’ssss a good guy. No laughing!”
The laughter only grew, as did Ned’s smile.
“I mean it!” Peter stated sternly, waving a floppy hand in their general direction. “No laughing…or I’ll web you up. Causssse I’m Spider-mannn.”
Ned’s smile instantly disappeared, and May’s head jerked up from the corner. Everyone else continued laughing.
“What are you talking about, Peter?” Ned chuckled nervously. “You aren’t Spider-man!”
“Yesss I am! I’m Spider…the spider guy. A spider-ninja! And you know. You’re the guy in my chair. And you talk in my ear and say things…like Karen.”
“Karen? Who’s Karen?” Michelle asked, pushing her way through the small group of students.
“Karen is amazing. She’s like an angel, and talks to me in my suit. I called her suit lady…” Peter broke into ripples of delirious laughter for several minutes. “She’s nice too. Like Ned. I’m gonna marry her. But I would never marry Ned.”
May stood up with a nervous smile. “Hey, guys. I think it might be best if you stepped out until Peter has had a bit more time to wake up.”
“Noooooo!” Peter stopped her. “I need my fans. My Spider-man fans. They gotta help me plan my next mission.”
“We can help you do that later,” Ned encouraged, trying to back everyone up and out of the room.
“Ned, don’ go anywhere, or I’m going to un-permote you from guy in my chair. I’ll make Karen my guy in my chair.”
“Right after you marry her, right?” Flash laughed, still recording.
“Yes. I love Karen. She’s the best of all the girls. Except Liz.”
The laughter ceased. “Liz?” Flash questioned.
“Yeah. I wanted to kiss her, but her dad tried to kill me. Now he’s in jail, so I can’t marry Liz anymore.”
“Dude, you couldn’t marry her anyway!” Flash snickered with glee. “She was way out of your league!”
The statement clearly went over Peter’s head, and May was still frantically trying to make the other students leave, somehow forgetting about Flash and Ned. Perhaps it was typical May, perhaps she thought Ned could handle the situation, but whatever it was, she couldn’t have made a graver mistake.
“So, Peter. Tell me about Spider-man.” Flash encouraged savagely, hoping to pry more juicy details out of him.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Flash.” Ned attempted weakly. “Maybe you should turn the camera off. It might really embarrass Peter if he sees this.”
“Yeah, not a chance,” Flash rolled his eyes. “This is going on YouTube the minute I get home. So come on, Peter. Spider-man. Let’s go.”
“Spider-man is me. I beat up bad guys…just like this: pew! pew! pew!” Peter attempted to shoot a web from his hand, but it looked more like Darth Sidious shooting his evil space lightning.
“Who was the last bad guy you fought?” Flash persisted, still laughing.
“Really, Flash, put the camera away-”
“Shut up, already, fatso! This is classic! Hey Peter, how did you become Spider-man?”
“A spider bit me. It hurt so bad. And I cried. But now the spider’s dead, and it gave me all its powers, and I can climb walls.”
“No, Peter, you cannot climb walls.” May said sternly from the doorway. “Flash, it is time for you to leave.”
It took Flash one look at May’s dead serious expression to decide that he better go. On his way out however, Peter sneezed, and one of the bloody gauzes in his mouth fell out. Peter stared at it in horror.
“May…I- I threw up a bloody cloud! I’m gonna die! Somebody help! I’m gonna die!” Peter continued screaming, Flash continued laughing, and May ended up pushing him out of the room.
Later that evening, Tony Stark sat in his living room in the peace and quiet, trying to decide what color his new rug should be. Footsteps sounded down the hallway, and he groaned aloud. “I swear, if that isn’t Pepper bringing me coffee you will severely regret disturbing me!”
“Not Pepper, and I already regret this,” Happy said as he rounded the corner.
“Out. Go. Leave. Shoo.” Tony waved his had dismissively, refusing to even make eye contact with the intruder.
“It’s about the kid.”
Tony’s attention was peeked. “What about the kid?”
“This.” Happy turned the laptop he was carrying around, revealing a very delirious Peter happily sharing confidential Spider-man information with whoever was videoing.
“So what’s the problem? Just have the video taken down.” Tony shrugged nonchalantly, taking a sip of the alcohol on front of him.
“It’s number 4 trending on YouTube and already has over three hundred million views.”
Tony spit the drink back into the glass. “What?”
Happy nodded, pointing to the numbers on the screen.
“Good grief, that kid needs a babysitter.” Tony squeezed the bridge of his nose, groaning. He glanced up at Happy. “Well, don’t just stand there! Get that kid a babysitter and have that video taken down!”
Happy burst into action.
“And bring me my coffee while you’re at it!”