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“It's a machine we're up against
Devoid of reason, devoid of sense
It's a system full of regret
We wear it on our shoulders
Someday, we'll win
We could be two straight lines
In a crooked world”
-Chelsea Wolfe, Tracks
“Where’s Rey?”
It’s not the words Poe was expecting to hear, and he admits quietly to himself that they hurt with an equally unexpected sting.
“She’s ok, bud, she went to find Luke.”
“But she’s ok?” Finn’s eyes plead into Poe’s, and the pilot sighs in return.
“Yeah, yeah, she’s ok.”
***
Light connects Finn and Rey from across the galaxy. He sees Finn look at the tracker occasionally, as if simply staring at the small blinking object will bring her back faster. Poe didn’t know it was possible to be jealous of a glorified bracelet, but he is.
He doesn’t want to let Finn go. He doesn’t want any of this. Luke Skywalker gave his mother a tree when he was young. It grew tall and strong faster than any tree he’d seen before or since. Poe would spend hours climbing its limbs, reading in it’s shade, looking at the stars from its branches. He wishes now he could go back to that tree and those starry nights. He wishes he could do it with Finn at his side.
But he isn’t a child, and his world is far behind. So Poe swallows the thought that he might lose this beautiful ex-stormtrooper that he’s got some sort of stupid feelings for to the same war that took his family and most of his friends, for the hope Finn might put it all to an end.
Poe hates how preoccupied his thoughts have become in just the past few hours.
In the midst of his insurrection, his fighting, his own stupid failed plan Finn is constantly at the back of his mind, but more often the front. Poe knows it won't really be his fault if Finn dies, or if the Resistance fails, but he knows he’ll blame himself anyway.
The occasional messages from Finn keep Poe’s fears just enough in check to keep going. He toys once with the idea of telling Finn how he feels, as if Poe knows himself, just in case this all goes to shit and they never see each other again. But Poe knows that’s stupid. It would throw off Finn’s game, and give them both just another thing to worry about. There will be time to talk later. Poe tells himself. There has to be.
Time begins to lose meaning after awhile. Seconds have begun to move faster than normal, while hours somehow crawl by like glaciers. Poe has lost count of the amount of times he thought Finn was dead, or he himself would die. When Finn tries to fly himself into the battering ram Poe swears loud enough he knows others can hear it, but he doesn’t care. It’s a stupid, reckless, uncertain move that Poe knows he would have made even just a short time ago, but the fact that Finn would try it at all makes Poe’s heart twist in his flight suit. Finn cares too much, too fast, but it’s part of why he feels himself falling each time Poe looks at him. He silently makes note to thank Rose for saving him if they get out of this.
And they do get out of this. Not all, far to few for anyone’s liking, but they do manage to escape.
It’s the first time Poe has really seen Rey, and he has to admit he’s awestruck. She stands like a goddess, beautiful, and strong, and terrifying, holding boulders high in the air, willing them to escape, but she drops it all when she sees Finn.
They embrace while the whole of the tattered Resistance runs past them, and Poe tells himself it’s friendly. They never kiss, never look longingly into each other’s eyes. It’s good enough, it has to be.
“I’m Rey.” She says with a handshake.
“I know.” Poe chastises himself for being jealous of her. She just saved all their asses, she might be the best hope in the Galaxy for victory, and she’s just as scared as any of them. Finn deserves someone like her. She deserves Finn.
***
It’s quiet on the Falcon. A quiet Poe hasn’t felt in years. He had let himself sleep for hours, to catch up on the rest he’s in sore need of, but now he’s awake and wandering the halls of this ancient piece of junk trying to clear his head.
He hears Finn’s laugh and follows it, only to be met with Rey’s laugh in return. It’s coming from behind a closed door, so Poe can’t quite make out what they’re saying, only that is sounds sweet, and personal.
“Dameron?” Leia’s voice calls to him from just down the hall.
He looks up and nods “Evening, General.”
She gestures for him to follow her. He does.
The two somehow manage to find a quiet corner to themselves in the crowded spacecraft. Leia sits down by a window, stars rushing past, and Poe follows suit.
“How are you holding up, Dameron?”
“I’m alright, General, but how are you?” He feels selfish feeling sorry for himself, when Leia has lost just about everything.
“I’m...surviving.” She says carefully, yet somehow still manages to smile “Something is troubling you though, I can sense it.”
“It’s just everything General.” Poe says too quickly “The last few days have been hard.”
“Indeed they have.” She nods “But hard times can sometimes reveal things to us, things about ourselves.”
Poe shakes his head “I’m not sure what you mean, General.”
Leia reaches up and touches Poe’s face, cradling his cheek gently in her hand “I’ve seen your eyes before, Dameron.” Her smile remains, but turns somehow tragic “A long time ago.”
He’s still not sure what she means, but her pain is drawing out his own, and Poe can feel tears prick at the eyes Leia looks so deeply into.
“I know you love him.” She says, startling Poe with her insight “And I know you’re afraid he loves her instead.”
Poe looks down, then out the window, then down again. “General, I-”
Leia removes her hand and shakes her head once. “If it’s supposed to work out, it will work out.” She says “But you can’t hide your feelings, not forever.” She looks down at her own hands, at a ring on her finger “Tell him before you think it’s too late. None of us seem to have enough time in this war.”
The tears have begun to fall from Poe’s eyes, and he can’t even bring himself to hide them “But what if he...what if I ruin things?” He shakes his head “I couldn't live with myself if I did.”
“Could you live with yourself if you never do? Or if you wait till the last minute when he’s killed or frozen in carbonite?”
Poe doesn’t quite understand that last bit, be he does understand the rest.
Leia holds his hands and stares into his eyes again. “Your actions are your own. I can’t tell you what to do. I’m not talking to you as a general, I’m talking to you as a woman who’s lived a long time, and lost many things along the way I wish I hadn’t.” She smiles again “I hope none of you have the regrets that I do.”
She stands and walks away, leaving Poe to contemplate her words in silence.
***
A minute goes by, or maybe an hour, Poe is still uncertain of time, and apparently unaware of his surroundings, as he jumps when he hears Finn’s voice.
“Hey buddy!” He musters when Finn sits down next to him. “How’s it going?”
“I’m good. Just catching up with Rey.”
Poe nods “Catching up?”
“Yeah, she was telling me all about Luke and her training. It’s wild.”
Poe wants to say something, but can’t, so he smiles instead.
“Hey, I wanted to say thank you for trusting me.” Finn says. His skin looks beautiful in the starlight.
“With what?”
“With the mission, with everything, and I want to say I’m sorry I failed.”
Poe shakes his head “Buddy you didn’t fail.”
“Yes, I did, and I’m sorry.” Finn places a strong hand on Poe’s shoulder, and it just about kills him.
Finn’s eyes are big and beautiful, and filled with guilt Poe hates to see there. He wants to smooth his face as Leia just did for him, or reach out to take his hand in his, but he can’t, Poe knows he can’t.
Despite this, he feels himself leaning forward, drawn into Finn’s gravitational pull like he’s just a tiny meteor passing a moon.
“Poe?” Finn says in a low voice “What’s wrong?”
He looks down, knowing if he makes eye contact he’s done for “I can’t say it.”
“Yes you can.” Finn leans in closer “Poe, you can tell me anything.”
“Can I?” Poe bites his lip “Even if it changed everything, I could tell you anything?”
“Yes.” Finn says without hesitation “You saved my life Poe. You gave me my name, I’ll never-”
“I love you.”
The statement falls out of Poe’s mouth without him meaning it to, and there’s silence in its wake. The two men glance at each other, Finn with eyes growing wide, and Poe pulls back.
“I’m sorry.” He says “Forget I said it. Please forget I said it, Finn.”
Poe moves to back away but Finn doesn’t let go. “Wait.” he says firmly, and Poe freezes.
Finn stares at him for a long time, eyes searching. At long last he starts talking “I’ve never been in love, so I don’t know what it feels like.” He says carefully “Rey and I are best friends. We're connected, and sometimes like we’re the same person, and I guess that means I do love her in a way.”
Poe presses his lips together, fighting against the tears that threaten to spring to his eyes once again.
“But I don't know if I want to do the things with Rey you're supposed to do when you love someone." He swallows "I don't think I want to," Finn pauses "When Rose saved me, when I went to check on her, she kissed me.” He sighs as Poe processes this new information “And Rose is one of my best friends now too, but I didn’t feel anything, none of the things you’re supposed to feel anyways I think.” Fin licks his lips “I don’t know if I’m making sense. Maybe what I’m trying to say is that it’s possible to have many different feelings for many different people. Is that possible?”
The pilot nods “It’s possible.”
“I don’t know if I want to kiss Rey,” Finn says “So, Poe, can I try something?”
Poe’s heart is beating loud enough he’s almost certain they both can hear it. “Yes?”
“Can you kiss me, Poe?”
It’s like a million Death Stars have exploded in his head. Poe can’t think straight, let alone see straight, so he surprises even himself when he leans forward and manages to kiss Finn fully and properly on the lips.
He pulls back after a moment to look expectantly into Finn’s eyes. Finn says nothing, but blinks up at Poe. “Do it again.”
Poe happily complies, this time placing a hand gently on Finn’s cheek and opening his mouth just slightly, giving a taste of what could be.
When they both sit back Finn is the first to speak again “Wow.” He says, in barely more than a whisper.
Poe laughs at that but quickly sighs. “I’m not going to stand in the way if you like her.” He says “And I’m not going to be mad if you don’t like me the way I like you. I just didn’t want to go though this war without you knowing.”
Finn smiles and reaches forward, taking Poe’s hand and sending electricity running through his body “Like I said, Rey will always be special to me.” He squeezes Poe’s hand “And I can't promise what I'll feel for anyone down the line, But I think what I feel for you is different, what I want from you is different. Is that a good place to start from?”
Poe can feel his face being to hurt from the grin that spreads across it. He’s not used to many happy moments these days, and certainly not when it comes to love, so he sighs and nods, holding Finn’s hand tighter. “Good as any.”