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“I can take care of myself, ok?” Typical Todd, prone to outbursts. He watched helplessly as the words tumbled from his tongue and hit Neil, hoping against hope he would not be a casualty in his own emotional landmines. Neil, however, sweet, perfect Neil, merely allowed for a smile to blossom from his lips.
“No.”
Their eyes connected, and the softness in Neil’s gaze made Todd forget he was ever angry.
“What do you mean ‘no’?” Todd inquired.
“I mean, ‘no’”. Neil’s warm smile turned into a shit-eating grin as he snatched the notebook from Todd’s hands and started thundering around the room.
“What are you- ““Give that back!” Todd cried, ripped from his seat, galloping after him. Neil tried, and failed, to read excerpts of the poem, stunted by his own speed.
Some, sensing a disturbance, went to investigate. Others, also sensing a disturbance, were attracted by the ruckus. Neil was now holding a Chemistry textbook, and the boys were throwing around Todd’s notebook.
To the beat of the drum, boys filled their dormitory, prancing and stomping around, leaving Todd to frantically chase his notebook. The scene soon dispersed, and only Neil and Todd were soon left in their rooms, breathing heavily, with Neil still in possession of Todd’s notebook.
“So, you plan on giving that back anytime soon?” Todd asked, with only a hint of annoyance in his voice.
“No.” Neil recited once again, shit-eating grin once again plastered on his face. He was out of breath from running, so he merely held it up, past Todd’s reach.
Out of options, Todd tackled him on his bed. Both boys landed with a thud, erupting into laughter. Pinning him down by the wrists, Todd managed to snatch the notebook back from Neil. Only in this moment did he realize how close they were, noticing the feeling of Neil’s heavy breath fluttering out of his chest. Their laughed subsided as they made eye contact, though the smiles couldn’t be erased.
Armed with only two thoughts in his mind (the look in Neil’s eyes and the words “Carpe diem”), Todd’s emotional barrier, or what remained of it, came crashing down and instinct flooded him. His lips collided with Neil’s, and for the first time both boys tasted true freedom. It was like that first night in the cave, the lingerings of self-restraint were shattered by Todd’s hands running through Neil’s hair.
As they came up for breath, each lungful of breath also attracted sharp shards of reality. As if his brain had been jolted awake, he leapt off the boy beneath him, clutching his notebook. Muttering something about studying, he turned the doorknob of the room to leave.
“No.” Neil said, shocking Todd into turning around.
“What?”
“No.”
“Listen, Neil, I’m sorry, ok? I honestly didn’t mean to, I don’t know what I happened, I…” Todd trailed off, still confused as to why Neil’s face was lit up with a smile.
“Please Todd, don’t call this a mistake. It didn’t feel like a mistake. I’m not sorry.”
“What? What are you talking about? We can’t do this!” Todd said, though even he heard the disappointment in his own voice.
“Why not? Give me one good reason. ‘Cause what just happened made me feel something I’ve never felt before. My whole life’s been planned for me, but I’m choosing that I want this, and I’m going to fight for it. That kiss lasted for maybe a minute, but I promise you, that was the best minute of my life. So your reason better be good.”
“To be honest, Neil? That was one of the best moments of my life too. It was one of the best accidents that ever happened. But we’re both… boys. People aren’t gonna understand. What about your dad, Neil? What about our friends?”
“Are you really a member of the Dead Poets Society? Because you sure as hell don’t sound like it. What happened to sucking the marrow out of life? What happened to seizing the day? What’s the point of living life if I don’t decide what I want?” Neil took a step forward, clutching Todd’s hands in his own and running his thumbs over the other boy’s knuckles.
Todd blushed and looked up at Neil. “I know, Neil. You make me happy, you make me really happy. But we can’t escape the world.”
“The world can’t escape us, Todd. I’m not saying this is going to be easy. But we know our friends, and we know Mr. Keating. They’re gonna tell us that love is wrong. We’re not hurting anyone. We’re living up to the Dead Poets Society’s values. For all we know, you and I have one life. One boring, carefully planned life. We’re worm food, Todd. And if I have to live the life my parents planned, I’ll probably survive, at best. But that’s it, I’ll only survive. I want to be alive, to live. Please, be alive with me . Let’s suck the bone marrow out of life, and live to tell the tale. Whaddya say?”
“How could I say no to that?” Todd sighed, resting his head in the crook of the other boy’s neck.
“Glad to hear it.”
“Ya know, Neil, when I kissed you? I-I felt… free. And I like that. For the first time, I didn’t worry or care about anything. I felt invincible. With you, I can do anything, I think.” Todd’s eyes fluttered closed as a smile crept across his face. “There’s usually a big weight on me, filled with things that haven’t happened yet. My brain is usually foggy with the problems of the future, but in that moment, everything was clear. Everything disappeared, and it was only us.”
“How can you expect me to not love you when you say things like that?” Neil asked softy, taking Todd’s face in his hands.
Both boys collapsed once again on Neil’s bed, leaning on each other.
“You make me a better man, Neil.” Todd muttered.
“I find that hard to believe, seeing as you’re already pretty amazing.”
Todd blushed as Neil chuckled at his own wit. Worries were abandoned as two boys enjoyed each other’s company, taking shelter from the world.