Chapter Text
2009
They’ve been apart for barely 24 hours but Dan already misses Phil.
Misses his warm hugs, misses the safety and comfort of having another person that wants you around, wants to touch and talk and be with you constantly.
Just you, and not another version they think is you but isn’t, not really. That might be Dan’s fault, maybe. He’s never been good at being himself.
Dan is opening Christmas presents, quietly listening as his grandparents tell a story from their church and talk over each other, teasing and playfully irritated.
He wonders what knowing someone for as long as they have is like, pushes that thought down before he can dwell on it.
His thoughts are a million miles away.
Or just a couple hundred, in a little northern corner of the world.
“Are you alright, dear?” His mum asks, squeezing his shoulder as she passes him with a plate of cookies.
“Yes. Sorry.” He crinkles up wrapping paper, absently folding a corner over and over again.
“No need to be sorry,” his mum says, concern in her voice.
His mind wanders.
He stands suddenly. “Bathroom.”
His brother shoots him a knowing look, a look that means you’re not subtle, a look that means you’re so gross, how are you related to me, and a look that means Phil.
Dan rolls his eyes. He doesn’t have a comeback. It’s the truth.
He closes the bathroom door behind him and sits on the toilet lid, taking his phone out.
Two unread messages. One is a picture of Phil and his mum, wearing matching antlers and grinning. There’s a bit of chocolate on his mouth.
I’m a reindeer! rawrr
Dan smiles a bit.
What am I then??
He waits, waits, waits.
The texts were from a few minutes ago, Phil might be busy. Dan doesn’t want his family to think he’s having bathroom problems, doesn’t want to talk to Phil in front of them, either.
Santa ;))
Dan makes a small, giddy sound. He bites the string on his hoodie.
Someone knocks. “Daniel? We’re about to eat!” It’s his Dad.
“One minute!” He calls, heart rate picking up for no good reason.
His phone goes off again.
Skype later? Plz xx
Dan grins.
-
When Dan gets upstairs that night, finally, and opens his laptop, there’s already a green dot near Phil’s profile picture.
Phil calls before Dan has a chance to. It makes Dan smile, wide and silly. He climbs under his blankets, pulling them up to his chin.
It takes a minute for the screen to load after the audio does. He can hear Phil’s crackly exhale.
When the screen loads Dan can see his crooked smile, pleased and sleepy
“Dan!” Phil exclaims.
He’s bundled up in a white and blue Christmas jumper that Dan doesn’t recognize. His hair is rumpled hair and he has dark, tired eyes and warmth, warmth, warmth.
“Merry Christmas,” Dan says.
Suddenly he doesn’t mind so much that Phil isn’t here. He’s here in a way that still counts, even if it’s not the most preferred one.
Phil washes away all his little doubts and worries.
“You too!” Phil leans over, reaching for something on the floor. He puts the antlers on. They look a bit bent.
Dan narrows his eyes. Phil’s cheeks look awfully flushed. “Are you drunk?”
“Noo,” Phil denies, hands covering his mouth as he laughs. “Only a little bit. I’m mostly tired. Been up since five!”
Dan makes a sound of disbelief. “Why the fuck?”
Only Phil would willingly wake up at 5 AM. And be happy about it.
-
They talk quietly, whispering in the harsh light of their laptop screens.
Phil looks translucent, eyes a pale light blue, lips pink and soft-looking. He keeps biting them and looking at Dan, even as he tells a terrible story about a penguin.
“Stop that,” Dan says.
“Stop what?”
It’s nearing 2 AM. Dan’s supposed to get up early tomorrow, to see more family. He’ll be exhausted, in more ways than one, if they keep this up.
“Looking at me...like that.”
Anxiety climbs inside his chest and settles in his stomach, tingling and digging around.
“I can’t help it,” Phil says, honesty making his words come out sharp.
He’d taken his contacts out and his glasses are resting unevenly on his nose. It’s a rare enough sight that he looks slightly unfamiliar, a bit different from the usual Phil.
Dan swallows roughly. He doesn’t know what to say to that.
“I miss you,” Phil says.
His eyes are wide. It shouldn’t feel like a secret, even though it does. It’s the big, glaringly obvious divide between them.
I miss you.
It sounds so simple. Dan never knew just what it meant before he knew Phil. He wants to wrap his arms around Phil, firm and present and real.
Dan’s been staring at his hands for who knows how long. He looks up. “I miss you too. Of course I do.”
Phil nods. He looks distant, different, unreachable. Wasn’t Dan thinking just an hour ago that Phil washes away all his bad thoughts?
“Goodnight, Phil,” Dan says, needing to end whatever this conversation has changed to before it gets any worse.
Phil opens his mouth. “Night.”
Dan sighs. He wants Phil to say something else. Anything else. “I’ll talk to you in the morning?”
They’re just—tired, and over emotional. That’s all. Dan is all mixed up inside, from his family and so many other things he doesn’t want to think about or have to explain to anyone.
“Please do.” Phil lets out a breath. “Goodnight. Sleep well.”
-
I still miss you
Dan fumbles around in the dark, trying to find his phone.
He sighs softly when he sees the message.
I know
i’ll see you soon phil
goodnight
<33