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The day Ronan Lynch walked out was the worst day of his life. Adam had been working all day, his brother was blowing up his phone, Gansey was trying to arrange a visit, and he was going out of his mind being trapped in his and Adam’s shared apartment in Cambridge. Things could only get worse from where they were.
His phone rang again.
It was Adam.
He picked up.
“Ro?” Adam’s raspy voice cracked through the shitty phone speakers.
“I’m here,” Ronan said.
“I picked up an extra shift tonight. Go ahead and do whatever for dinner, don’t wait up. I’m working until two.”
“Fucking hell, Adam.” Ronan said.
“What’s wrong with me working more? I need the money-”
“Not anymore.” Ronan cut through.
“Just because I’m on scholarship and you’re paying rent doesn’t mean I don’t need the money, Ronan.” Adam sighed. “Is this part of something more?”
“No shit, it’s part of something more. I feel like I haven’t seen you in literal weeks, Declan and Gansey are blowing up my phone, and I’m fucking tired of this. This shouldn’t be the life we share. I moved with you to Cambridge to avoid this. I should be able to see you all the time- we fucking live together, Parrish. I should be able to see you.”
“Ronan, I’m sorry. We can work this out-”
“There’s nothing left to work out.” Ronan’s voice broke. “I’m going out of my fucking mind. I can’t breathe some nights because of my dreams and I reach over and I need you there, not working in some fucking diner. I’m so tired that I can’t sleep. I need you here, Adam.”
“Ronan-”
“I’m gonna go somewhere. Don’t wait up.”
“I love you.” Adam said into the phone.
Ronan hung up. His hands were shaking.
He grabbed a backpack from the closet and filled it with clothes- some his, some Adam’s that had become his. He grabbed his guitar where it sat in the case and unplugged his phone charger, just in case he needed it. He pocketed his phone and pulled his shoes on. He grabbed Adam’s denim jacket from the hook on the back of their bedroom door. As he walked out of the living room and opened the door he cast a glance behind him. It had become their home over the past three years, the place where Ronan could cry and Adam could place his thumb on his cheekbone as he fell asleep, the place where Adam’s fingers could dance over Ronan’s inked spine, the place where everything was beautiful and it was okay to hurt.
Ronan shook his head.
It had to end for a reason.
He turned on his heels and walked out of the apartment, trying to forget the meaning of a home, no matter how significant he always knew it would be. He caught the first plane back to Virginia.
X
adam:
Ronan, it’s been three days. Where are you?
adam:
Are you gonna come home?
adam: Tell me you’re alive.
Ronan: back in henrietta. things had to be done. im sorry. i paid rent for another year. have fun.
X
noah: hey ronan i know its been like… a long time since we last talked. sorry about that
noah: but… management is sending us on a club tour. we need a co-headliner. are you in?
noah: theyll let you do it on whatever conditions you say
noah: i know its been a really long time since you last saw him and putting you both on a tour together may not be the best idea but take it as an iou
noah: we have an opener (vancrewver) but we just need a coheadliner and blue and i were talking it over… and we think its a really good idea.
noah: thers no way you have to say yes but please
ronan: its so hard to say no to you
ronan: fucker
ronan: ill do it.
ronan: but if i do anything stupid its on you
noah: im willing to take that blame
noah: i heard dreams on the radio this morning
noah: ‘if leaving you was just a dream tell me please how do i wake up’
noah: does he know you havent dated anyone in six years???
noah: have you even t a l k e d to him in six years
ronan: youre prying
ronan: and i dont think he knows, and no i havent talked to him
ronan: im scared to.
noah: thats within reason
ronan: fuck i have to go to an interview
ronan: ill talk to you later. bye
X
“So, we’re here with Ronan Lynch. Your third album, I Think I Dreamt You, just dropped. Now, some of these lyrics point to an old relationship that went rotten. In Barn Song you wrote, if you really needed me you would know when I needed you too. What does that mean in the context of the song?” The interviewer asked. Ronan tried not to wince. Wow, really throwing out the hard questions first. Great.
“Well, I was in a long term- four year- relationship with this guy. He was kind of a workaholic, he worked all the time. And I used to get these really bad nightmares- like nightmares that sent me waking up in a cold sweat. I would feel for him on his side of the bed a lot of the times and find that he was either out in the living room studying, or at work. It would be like, three in the morning. And you know, I feel kind of bad about how I left things, but I feel like this song is a nice nudge to the way I felt towards the end of our relationship.” Ronan said, trying not to fidget with the leather bands on his wrist.
“Now, you’ve said that the name of the song is an homage to where you grew up. Can you elaborate on that?”
“Yeah. I grew up on this farm in Virginia,” Ronan started.
“A farm? Wow, I really wouldn’t have guessed.”
“Yeah, when my dad moved to Virginia from Ireland, he started our farm, and I guess I just wanted to keep a part of him around. In my senior year of high school, I dropped out, and my boyfriend at the time lived about twenty minutes away, and so things were a lot easier with me having dropped out. I could drive him to work and whatever when he needed. Things were easier, and the first half of the song is a nod to the easier days. Like the lyrics, with your hand in mine we can light the world aflame. The difference in the first and second half of the song show two different sides of the relationship.” Ronan said, finally giving in to picking at his bracelets.
“How did this person react to the end of the relationship?” The interviewer asked, taking a sip of her coffee.
“I, uh. I’m not quite sure, actually. The way I left things, we haven’t really talked since we broke up.”
“How long ago was that?”
“Six years.”
“Wow, that’s a long time.”
“Yeah.” Sometimes I wonder if he’s heard my albums. If he knows the lyrics are about him. If he knows that everyone I’ve been seen with since then has been a fling. If he knows the only thing I’ve found to replace him with is the bitter burn of alcohol sliding down my throat.
“Well, that’s all the time we have for now. Thanks for coming, Ronan.”
“Thanks for having me.” Ronan wiped his palms on his jeans.
“And now, here’s his new song, Fields. ”
Ronan stood up and left the studio, not quick to leave but not lingering.
He checked his phone.
dick: That was horrifyingly unsubtle.
Ronan: fuck off
Ronan: is subtly really what i need after six years
Ronan: does he know i regret it all
Ronan: does he know i miss him every time i fall asleep alone when i know it really should be him curled up against me and not a fucking pillow
Ronan: i can’t text him because he hates me now and i know it
Ronan: i fucking hate myself
dick: Ronan, don’t say that. You know he missed you too.
dick: He’s told me.
dick: Sometimes he doesn’t sleep because he misses you.
dick: Even after six years.
Ronan: whatever.
x
@barnsongmp3 : WHO DO YALL THINK RONANS NEW ALBUM IS ABOUT?? IVE SEEN SOME PEOPLE SPECULATING ABOUT SOMEONE BEFORE HE WAS FAMOUS BUT LIKE WHO DO WE KNOW BEFORE??? NOBODY
@dreamtyou: @barnsongmp3 didn’t he and ad*m p*rr*sh from gl*nd*w*rs c*rs* have a thing before gc blew up????
@barnsongmp3:@ dreamtyou im pretty sure…. but rpf is tricky :/ its hard to not be offensive but like i want him to be happy you know? like hes been thru so much………
@dreamtyou : @barnsongmp3 I COMPLETELY AGREE!! But i do think he & ad*m would be really adorable together no shade!!!!!
@barnsongmp3: @dreamtyou I JUST REALLY SUPPORT HIM YOU KNOW!!! LIKE!!!! F CU K !!!
@barnsongmp3: @dreamtyou and i are making a pynch groupchat! rules- mbf me or her, be ready to theorize pynch moments, help us analyaze lyrics on BOTH ENDS!! ALSO, it helps if you stan them both!!! gc and r*nan are both super duper talented !!! so !!!!
19 rts 3 likes
X
BREAKING NEWS FOR GLENDOWER’S CURSE FANS! Beginning on June 8th, Glendower’s Curse, Ronan Lynch, and up and coming electropop band The Vancrewver are touring America! Starting in Portland, Oregon and ending in a trip back to LA, this tour is sure to be fun. Make sure you buy your tickets soon, as they’ll definitely go fast!
- alternativepress.com
X
Ronan slammed his head into the pillow. It was June 7, the night before the tour began- the night before he would be in close proximity with Adam for three months straight. His phone buzzed away on his nightstand with twitter notifications and more, but he couldn’t be bothered. He had to fly out to Portland at six, which really meant he had to be at the airport closer to four, and it was already eleven at night. It was a five hour flight, so he could easily nap on the plane.
His head was spinning with a million things.
He grabbed his laptop.
greywaren: do you remember the sticky honey sweet summer i spent in your arms and how we wandered the woods in search of lost things and only found ourselves? do you remember the way your skin felt on mine as i laid down on you in the grassy fields? do you remember when you thought i was asleep but i was really just pretending so you would stay longer and you confessed to me in a drunken haze that you saw the symbolism in you living above my church? do you remember when you kissed me on the forehead before you left for work and i shuddered against you because your skin was always freezing cold? do you remember anything im saying? happily ever after my ass. i miss you so much i never should have fallen asleep.
X
@dreammetheworld: RONAN’S NEWEST BLOG POST IM CRYING
@barnsongmp3: @dreammetheworld FEN I LITTERALLT CANT BREATHE I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY
@bedroomcathedraI: @dreammetheworld I SNAGGED AN @ ALREADY DKJSFKJSH
@dreammetheworld: @bedroomcathedraI YOURE SO ICONIC AHAHAHAH MORGAN
X
Gansey: You saw Ronan’s latest blog post? I know you follow him.
Adam: I didn’t know he was awake. And it was true at the time. His two objects of worship confined to one little building.
Adam: Gansey, I miss him. This tour is going to be hell. I’m going to be managing my feelings and his- and I don’t know if I can do it this time around.
Gansey: Henry wants me to tell you that “It’ll buff.”
Adam: I’m gonna rest up. Early day tomorrow, you know?
Gansey: Goodnight, Adam.
Adam: Goodnight.
X
When Ronan and Adam locked eyes in the airport, it felt like nothing had changed. Ronan was still taller than him, with sharp cheekbones, a strong jawline, biceps that could kill a man, and the same electric blue eyes that enticed Adam the first time he saw him. Adam was still thin, with tanned freckled skin that caught the sunlight, and he still had the exact same sandy hair that Ronan longed to run his hands through when he couldn’t be alone with his thoughts anymore.
When Adam saw Ronan, all he could see was the way his hair had grown, and the t-shirt he was wearing. Instead of the to-the-skin shave that he had before, he had grown long ink black curls, like the ones he told Adam he would never want while flipping through family albums at The Barns. The shirt that Ronan was wearing was all too familiar- a raggedy Coca-Cola t-shirt that Ronan had taken in the first year in Cambridge. The same shirt Adam was wearing the first
time they kissed. The same shirt Adam was wearing when Ronan said I love you. The same shirt Ronan was wearing when he left.
It had been six years since the last time Adam wore it, so it had lost his smell. What was even the point in wearing it anymore?
Ronan turned his head away from Adam’s gaze and fell into the arms of Noah Czerny.
“Ronan!” They said enthusiastically as he buried himself in their hug. “It’s been so long!”
“It’s been too long, I’m sorry.” Ronan said, a little quiet.
“No, it’s absolutely fine, man.” They said with a grin. They let go of Ronan, only for Ronan to be pulled into an awkward hug from Gansey.
“Ronan,” He said, “You need to stop being a stranger when we’re far away.”
“I know, Dick, I know.” He tried to insert his sarcastic edge back into his voice, but it was a little difficult, especially considering the circumstances.
“Seriously,” Gansey let go and placed his hands on Ronan’s shoulders in a fatherly manner. “I don’t appreciate always having to initiate the conversation. Don’t be a stranger. No matter how much you want to be.”
“Sorry, Dad. ”
“Gansey, are you tormenting him?” Blue asked, turning around.
It had been an even longer time since he saw Blue. Longer than six years.
When Henry, Blue, and Gansey came back from the road trip they went on, Blue was glowing with happiness. She was even happier to attend a tiny liberal arts school in Alabama. He hadn’t seen her in eight years, but she had changed more than him.
She was standing next to Gansey, more relaxed than Ronan had ever seen her. She was wearing his Columbia sweatshirt and a pair of ripped jeans. Times had changed- he had hair now and Blue dressed like a normal human being. Gansey seemed comfortable with his arm around her waist, almost like he was saying, I died so she could kiss me. Literally. Ronan held back a smile.
“Hey, maggot.” He said.
“Snake,” Blue replied, but with much less malice than she had said it in their teenage years. She hugged him.
Ronan breathed in the familiar scent of 300 Fox Way- the place where so many of his and Adam’s days were spent. Although she didn’t live at Fox Way anymore, she still carried the smell with her, even with an extra hint of mint.
“I’ve missed you guys.” He confessed in a small voice.
“We’ve missed you, too. We’re only a call away.” Gansey said.
Adam stepped forward.
“Ronan,” He said, in a clear voice almost like the one he had used to sacrifice himself to Cabeswater. “You look good. Healthy.” His eyes were drinking up the sight of the boy who was once his, even so many years later.
“You do too,” Ronan said. He sucked in a deep breath. “It’s been a while, Parrish.”
He bit his lip, wondering if Adam could see right through him.
He could.
X
“Ronan,” Gansey said once they had all walked over to the tour buses. “Please don’t get hurt. You both got messed up from the break up, and I really don’t want that to happen again. The first time was worse enough.”
“Fuck off, you’re not my dad.” Ronan said, with no regard for his own health, and in the same way he had said it to him when they were younger.
“ Ronan.” Gansey said. “Please don’t do this again. You can’t just shut me out all the time.”
“I’m glad I have my own tour bus. Leave me alone, Dick.” Ronan said, turning around and walking into his bus, slamming the door behind him.
“Sound check is at five!’ Gansey supplied unhelpfully, although Ronan couldn’t hear him.
X
greywaren: i swear it was like seeing you for the first time and the last time. sunsets and goodbyes and sharpie notes and your hands on the strings of your upright bass in our old apartment. i played you better than you played it. i miss you still although i shouldnt and i wish i was remorseful when i needed to be. i still have your jacket in my backpack wherever i go and that will never change because i take a piece of you with me, near or far. the patches are falling off because you wore it to your first open mic night with your band when we were in college even though that band disbanded before we did. the denim is barely denim anymore and it is more hole than whole but it is still a piece of you that i need with me.
X
dick: Ronan, are you awake? I saw your post.
Ronan: okay and ?????
dick: Are you alright? Do you want to talk about anything?
Ronan: maybe after the show. depends on how drunk i can get
dick: Not in the venue. You can’t get drunk at the venue. And you get motion sickness so you can’t drink and be on the bus to Seattle at the same time.
Ronan: fuck off man let me live
dick: Ronan, I’m serious. Come talk to me before the buses leave tonight. Or tomorrow morning, you and I will do the coffee runs and let everyone else get a break.
Ronan: fine.
Ronan: tonight because i dont want the risk of getting stopped inn a fuckinf starbucks for a picture and feel bad if i say no.
dick: That works. I’ll see you for soundcheck.
X
DIRECT MESSAGES: @dreamtyou, @barnsongmp3, @bedroomcathedraI, @dreammetheworld
@dreamtyou: RONAN’S MOST RECENT BLOG POST IM
@bedroomcathedraI: LITERALLY I CAN’T BREATHE!! RONAN LET US BREATHE
@dreammetheworld: yall are so shook lmao BUT did we not see this coming?? this is gonna be more angsty than like….
@dreammetheworld: are you guys all babies or were you around for the whole pete wentz/mikey way rpf thing that went down for a while
@barnsongmp3: sdkjfskjhf dude i totally know what youre talking about I’m Emo
@dreammetheworld: shut up angelina
@dreammetheworld: this summer is sgonna be an angstfest we’re all gonna end up heartbroken by the end of it! but tbh i dont care becausing stanning these boys is The Best
@dreamtyou: uh you guys like there are so many clues in his post because do you know who played upright bass in an old orchestral rock group??? adam fucking parrish !
@bedroomcathedraI: SHOCKING NEWS! BREAKING!
@dreamtyou: this summer is about to be fuckin wild. im seeing them tonight in portland and then again when they play la,,,,, anyone else seeing them??
@barnsongmp3: IM SEEING THEM IN LA!!!
@bedroomcathedraI: i live in canada so im going to go to the date in maine soz
@dreammetheworld: im seeing them in uhHHHhhhhhhhh bham alabama
@dreamtyou: rip it looks like i have to meet angelina again :/
@dreamtyou : oh shit i should probably get driving to get into portland sddjhfdkjsh i have a three hour drive from bend !
@bedroomcathedraI: HAVE FUN BE SAFE AND DONT FORGET TO DOCUMENT ANY PYNCH
X
The show went by fast. It was all a blur of x-crossed hands and general admission wristbands. A blur of singing the songs he held as far away from himself as he could and trying to ignore the itching feeling to look offstage and catch Adam’s eye. It was over as soon as he knew it, and then Glendower’s Curse took to the stage. Gansey, the ever devoted frontman amped the crowd up as much as possible, while Noah played fun riffs on their guitar and Blue accompanied them with drum beats. Adam stood on the right of the stage, his bass hanging off his neck like a prayer. Ronan brushed the thought from his mind.
“So, do you guys know anything about Welsh kings?” Gansey asked the crowd, and as they screamed, Adam’s face was flush in the neon lights of the bar.
“Well, we’re a little band from Virginia… You may have heard of us,” Gansey put on his best, most exaggerated Southern accent. “We came all the way from a little town called Henrietta, and we are Glendower’s Curse!”
As he said the name into the microphone, the crowd went wild and they jumped into their first song of the night, Poet. Gansey sang the words as if they were a hymn, the crowd singing along freely. Adam’s hands danced along the strings of his bass and Ronan was mesmerized just watching his muscles move from offstage. The lights reflected everything about him- his perfect tan skin and the way the sweat pooled in the space between his collarbones.
Ronan tried not to fall in love, but soon the first song was the encore, and they were calling Ronan back out.
“So,” Gansey says. “You may have heard our friends Vancrewver earlier, and let me just say- they are innovators. Electropop punk is a brand new genre, and we’re glad to be here with them on their first big tour, are you glad?”
The crowd roared.
“And we’re gonna bring them back out, along with a good friend of everyone’s ,” He wiggled his eyebrows. “ Ronan Lynch!”
The crowd screamed.
It had been awhile since he felt the feelings he was. The lights reflecting on the faces of the kids who were just like he was once upon a time, the bass still thumping in his ears, and feeling of pure adrenaline rushing through his veins.
Gansey haned him a microphone as he bounded out onstage.
“So, do you guys wanna hear some more music?” Ronan asked, grinning from ear to ear, in true Lynch fashion.
The crowd roared.
“Well, Ganseyboy,” Henry, the singer for Vancrewver said. “We better give them what they want.” He smiled to the crowd.
“Well Cheng- I guess we have to. This one’s called Mint Iced Tea- but we’re doing it with a little twist.”
The rest of the evening went by in a blur, going offstage and drinking seven bottles of water to meeting fans to finding Gansey in the bus lot afterward. Ronan lit a cigarette in anticipation.
“Ronan,” Gansey said, walking from around the corner. He was wearing his sweatshirt that he had previously given to Blue. How sweet, Ronan thought.
“Gansey.”
“Sit down with me. I don’t care if the ground is a little bit wet- you need to talk your feelings out.”
Ronan groaned.
“I’m terrified he hates me, if I’m being honest.” Ronan confessed, wringing his hands. The leather bands on his wrist were begging to be fiddled with. “I wouldn’t blame him for hating me. I wish I hadn’t been so fucking impulsive, but by the time I had. Woken up? I guess, it was too late. It had already been pretty much a year. I spent those weeks picking fights in bars I shouldn’t have been in and fucking with the wrong guys. I spiraled without him, but I know it was all my fault. I should have been able to talk it out, but it was coming up on the anniversary of both my parents’ deaths, and I couldn’t breathe in that apartment. I was suffocating.” He inhaled a deep breath of his cigarette. “I should have told him when I still had the time. By now I know someone has to have gotten him, he’s fantastic. All he does is care for you. Everything you need he’ll take care of for you. It’s hard to believe that trailer park Adam Parrish made it to be big shot rockstar Adam Parrish. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be over him, Gansey.”
Gansey was silent for a moment, and Ronan could hear him chewing right next to his ear.
“I think that you should talk to him. Work things out, or at least clear them up. He’s single, because he’s been holding off again. Trying to see if anyone is the right person. He thinks it was a gross twist of fate when you left. Like it was karma knocking him down.”
They were both silent. The conversation ended there, and if Ronan saw a flash of blond hair as he boarded his bus, he kept it to himself.
X
The next three weeks went by in a blur. Show to show, night to night, drink to drink. Ronan seemed to be avoiding Adam to the best of his abilities, hanging out with Noah more often than not. They would sit and smoke together, almost like they did in high school. Ronan was dreaming less and less, too tired to think of anything, let alone dream another universe into existence again. And even with Cabeswater gone, he was still able to normally. It wasn’t until he woke up with another t-shirt clutched in his hands did he realize what it was.
Adam had a t-shirt he wore a lot while he was in college- some old La Bamba t-shirt that he had picked up at a thrift store and clung to because of how soft it was. It eventually became something they both wore around the apartment, but when Ronan left he neglected to grab it. The t-shirt was a wake up call.
Get it the fuck together, Ronan thought. Stop pining when it’s your fault. Stop it, Ronan.
He hated himself sometimes.
greywaren: sometimes i think i dreamt you and i told you and you thanked me for the straight teeth. but if i dreamt you does that mean i dreamt your old ritchie valens shirt and your battered up shoes and everything else in between? does that mean i dreamt me whispering to you that your bedroom was more of a church than my church that you lived over? does that mean i dreamt leaving you behind?
please wake me up. the summer is halfway over and i dont wanna miss another honey sweet moment.
x
Ronan flicked a cigarette butt to the ground as Adam made his way over to him. He cast his eyes down to his feet and pretended like he wasn’t wearing the jacket he had taken so many years before.
“Hey,” Adam said. Ronan looked up.
“Hey, Parrish.” Ronan said cooly.
It was lame to call him by his last name when he had called him so many other things over the course of their relationship, but it helped give him the distance he needed.
“I was wondering if you wanted to talk things out.” Adam said bluntly.
Adam had never been a confrontational person, he preferred to just let things sit in the back burner of his mind until they came up in conversation, so it was a shock to Ronan for him to say that.
“I-I,” Ronan tried. “Okay.”
The air was calm for a moment, and then Vancrewver came rushing from their bus, along with the rest of Glendower’s Curse. Noah stood, observing the confrontation, as Gansey and Blue averted their eyes.
“Come to my bus before we leave tonight.” Ronan said. Adam nodded.
Like that, he was gone.
X
When Adam knocked on the door of Ronan’s bus, he almost panicked. It felt so much like a final goodbye, even though they still had another two months on the tour. It felt like saying goodbye to their shitty Cambridge apartment all over again. It felt like saying goodbye to the way Adam’s fingers danced on Ronan’s spine as they sat in the hayloft of The Barns. It felt like everything was coming to an end- like the part in a movie where the screen goes black before fading for the credits.
“It’s open,” Ronan called. “You can come in.”
He was sat at the little foldout table with a cup of coffee, disregarding the fact that it was close to midnight. Adam walked in carefully, trying his best to make himself smaller, the same way he did when they were teenagers.
“Hey.” He said in a small voice. His Henrietta accent slipped through.
“Hey.” Ronan replied raspily.
“So, I just wanted to… Talk about the way things were left. And I have a few questions.” Adam said, slipping into the seat across from Ronan. He took a sip from the bottle of water he held.
Ronan nodded.
“I just wanted to know if there were more reasons as to why you left.” Adam said quietly. “Was I not enough? Were my passions at the time too much? I just… Don’t really understand why you left.”
Ronan swallowed.
“I was in a fucked up headspace. It felt like I never had you when I needed you- you were always either working or studying, and even though I knew you loved me, it was just. Not what I needed.” He said, picking at the leather bands on his wrist. They had been worn down over the years, the leather being more bite mark than leather in the end. “I needed you sometimes, and you weren’t there. I want to say it’s as simple as that but it really isn’t.”
“Did you think I didn’t love you?” Adam asked gingerly. He was treading dangerous territory.
“I always knew you did.” Ronan said plainly.
They had both worked so hard to contain their anger, they had both worked so hard to forget some things, but it was hard to forget the way I love you sounded from a voice in the darkness that cradled you.
“Is it rude to ask how many songs you’ve written about me? Because I know I’ve written a bunch about you-”
“Almost every song I’ve released is about you, Adam.” Ronan said, looking up from his coffee cup and into Adam’s eyes.
“ Oh .”
“Yeah.”
“Did you ever stop loving me?” Adam asked.
Ronan bit his lip and stared back down.
“Yes.” He lied. It was to protect himself, to keep him from getting hurt.
“I stopped, too. I think maybe two years after you left is when I stopped.” Adam replied.
Fuck, Ronan thought. There is no chance he loves me anymore. At all.
The romantic side of him argued that maybe he just needed to fall back in.
Adam stood up.
“Goodnight.” He said. “Thank you.”
Ronan said his goodbye.
The second Adam was gone he walked to where his bed was, bit his lip, and tried not to cry.
@greywaren: the answer was no.
@barnsongmp3: @greywaren WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!!!!!!!
X
Soon, Adam’s birthday was on the horizon. Gansey was plotting all sorts of things to do onstage that night, and everyone was nervous for how things may go. Adam and Ronan had become closer again- almost like the friends they were in high school. Ronan wished they were more.
X
On the morning of Adam’s birthday, he checked his phone.
@adamparrish: Holy crap, you guys. Thanks for all the birthday wishes! You’re all the greatest.
All the replies were something along the line of happy birthday adam! Or alternatively, will you do post show m&g tnite? He smiled down at his phone as Gansey slapped a Starbucks cup down in front of him.
“I don’t understand why you encourage me to live off coffee while you sit there sipping your peppermint tea.” Adam said.
“I’m, as the teens say, spilling the tea.” Gansey said, taking a sip of his tea.
“Gansey-”
“Oh, and happy birthday, Adam. You made it.” Gansey said, patting him on the back. Adam thought about the sentiment.
Sure, there was a time, about ten years before, where Adam wasn’t sure he would even live to graduate from Aglionby. With his father’s wrath in the double wide and his own stress in the real world, it felt like something was going to do him in sooner or later. He had always thought it would be sooner, rather than later.
But there he was, ten years later, touring the country with his best friends. And there he was, very much alive.
X
That night, everyone was standing onstage for the encore. Vancrewver, Glendower’s Curse, and Ronan. The neon lights seemed brighter, and Ronan would have squinted if it didn’t obstruct his view of Adam.
Although he knew they could never be lovers again, his heart yearned to see the Adam he had been with years before. Although he knew loving him was a lost cause, he still did. Ronan Lynch never backed down.
“So,” Gansey said. “It’s a very special someone’s birthday today…” The crowd roared in acknowledgment.
“Does anyone know who it may be?” He asked, shielding his smile with the mic.
“It’s none other than Adam Parrish, everyone’s favorite bisexual bassist!” Henry crowed.
Everyone laughed, and the crowd erupted again.
“Okay, okay, hold up. We’re gonna end this night right. Who wants to help us sing happy birthday to our dear Parrish?” Ronan asked with a sly grin. The crowd roared once more.
“Okay, we hear you,” Gansey said.”Now, let’s all put our hands together and sing for Adam! I’ll sing, and the bands will play, and Ronan can keep scowling all he wants.”
The crowd laughed again.
“Ready, everyone?”
The crowd all sang along, and Ronan could see from the other side of the stage every single freckle on Adam’s face. The moment was illuminated with neon lights and the buzz from playing live, as well as the glitter Blue had smeared on everyone’s faces for the show. Ronan grinned as Adam’s face stretched into a grin.
When the song came to an end, Gansey hollered a goodnight and everyone sprinted offstage.
Ronan couldn’t stop thinking about the way Adam’s fingers danced across the frets of his bass and the way Adam’s smile seemed to light up the whole club more than anything else. He was still in love with Adam. Adam needed to know.
Ronan ran after Adam, who he found nursing another bottle of water.
“Adam, I-I need to tell you something.” He stammered, grabbing his arm.
Make it or break it time, Ronan thought.
“What is it? Is everything okay?” Adam asked, his pale brows furrowing in concern.
Ronan couldn’t find the words to say anything, so he cupped Adam’s cheek and pulled Adam’s lips flush against his own. It felt just like the first time.
It felt like the nights he used to race in, when he got fucked up for the sake of being fucked up. It felt like watching the sunset from the hayloft. It felt like watching Adam play the bass in their old apartment, much to their neighbours’ dismay. It felt like maybe everything was falling into place. And he was a part of that.
When they finally pulled apart, it wasn’t because either of them meant to. It was because Gansey had found them and said something that neither of them could have heard in the moment.
There was blue and purple glitter streaked in with Ronan’s own black, and his lips tasted like the birthday cake lip balm that Blue had gifted Adam.
“Oh,” Gansey was saying. “I’ll see you guys later.”
“Happy fucking birthday, Parrish.” Ronan breathed against Adam. “I never stopped.”
“Fuck,” Adam sighed. “I never did either. I let myself think I did.”
It was a perfect birthday.
Ronan and Adam fell asleep intertwined in Adam’s bunk, not caring about how obnoxious their whispers must have sounded.
X
The next day was the fourth of July. It had never been a holiday Ronan enjoyed, and he was happy that they didn’t have a show, and instead got to be in a hotel room or exploring Atlanta that day. They had a show the next day in Atlanta, and everyone was thankful that they didn’t have to sleep in a tour bus bed for at least one night.
For Ronan, the fourth brought back bitter memories that he choked down like bile. Kavinsky and his stupid firework show. Matthew. The firework dragon that could have killed everyone.
In perspective, it was good to not have a show.
He and Adam spent the day exploring Atlanta, taking photos, and trying not to hold hands. It isn’t like they were trying to hide anything, but they also weren’t trying to out themselves the second they got back together.
“Ro, look.” Adam said when they got to the rainbow crosswalk. “Want me to take your picture here?”
Ronan laughed.
“Sure.”
Adam got out his phone and took a few pictures of Ronan brooding, before continuing to walk side-by-side.
“You know, I’m really glad I said yes to this tour.” Ronan said. “As bad as it was for the first few weeks, I’m having the time of my life, now.”
Adam ducked his head with a laugh.
“I’m glad you said yes, too.”
X