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Pete wasn’t a fan of the holidays. Having to interact with a ton of people, trying to remember four thousand different gifts and hoping that the receivers of said gifts liked them, winding up with a huge stomachache after inevitably eating too much food. However, he knew this Christmas would be different.
Patrick had insisted that Pete spend Christmas with him. Not a party at all, just the two of them. They’d buy each other little gifts and then sit in front of the fire and cuddle. Inevitably Patrick would fall asleep before Pete and wind up with his head resting in Pete’s lap. Then Pete would carry him to the couch, tuck him in, and put a note by his head for when he woke up.
Finally, Pete would go to his bathroom and kill himself.
This was how he wanted to go. No big thing, just one final night with the love of his life and then it was over, quick and easy. Pete hadn’t yet planned out how he’d do it. Pills seemed easiest, considering they’d hurt the least (and Pete definitely had quite a lot of them in his house). However, cutting his wrists would probably put an end to things a bit quicker. That way, if someone found him, they wouldn’t be able to “save” him in time.
Patrick had no idea what Pete was planning. In fact, he was looking forward to this Christmas more than any other. He had planned it for Pete, so his boyfriend wouldn’t have to deal with as much stress around the holidays as he usually did. Patrick had bought Pete some Christmas pajamas-a giant, red, fleece onesie. They had agreed to buy each other gifts that were “kind of stupid”.
Pete had bought Patrick a Christmas sweater. He considered knitting one himself, except he didn’t know how to knit and he didn’t really have enough time to learn. Still, he figured it was the thought that counted. He put the sweater in a box, wrapped it up, started a fire in the fireplace, and waited for Patrick to arrive.
When the doorbell rang, Pete jumped up excitedly. He ran to open it. Of course, Patrick was standing in the doorway wearing a big jacket and holding a gift box. Pete hugged him tightly and invited him inside.
Both of them sat down in the living room and opened their presents. Patrick was delighted by the Christmas sweater, and immediately put it on. Pete told Patrick he was going to put on his pajamas and went up to his room to change.
After he had changed into his pajamas, Pete grabbed the suicide note off of his nightstand and shoved it in his pocket. He didn’t want to forget it when he left Patrick.
As soon as Pete was back downstairs, Patrick took him by the hand and sat down next to him in front of the fire.
“You look so cute in those pajamas,” Patrick said.
“Wasn’t that why you bought them for me?” Pete asked.
“Maybe…” Patrick answered slyly. He ran his hand down Pete’s arm, feeling the soft fabric of the pajamas.
Pete pulled Patrick closer to him. Patrick wrapped his arms around Pete.
“I love you so much,” Patrick whispered.
“I love you too,” Pete replied. A single tear fell from his eye. He felt so awful for leaving Patrick. He was such an awful person, that this was how he chose to end his life. Right after spending an amazing Christmas with the person he loved most in the world. All Pete wanted to do in that moment was cry into Patrick’s sweater and confess everything he was about to do. But he knew if he did that, Patrick would never let him go. Pete was torn apart.
“I wish we could stay like this forever,” Patrick mused. “Just the two of us, cuddled up together. In love. I want to be with you forever, Pete.”
A lump formed in Pete’s throat. He’s gonna ask to marry me, Pete thought in horror. And I’m either going to refuse and break his heart, or accept and then kill myself an hour later and break his heart anyway.
“Me too, Patrick,” Pete said cautiously.
“I just want to always be with you.”
Please don’t say it.
“The two of us against the world, forever. I want that.”
Please, oh god, please don’t say it.
“I want to keep hugging you like this. I don’t ever want to let go.”
If you say it then your heart is going to be shattered to pieces. I really don’t want that for you, okay? Please don’t fucking say it.
To Pete’s relief, Patrick said nothing else. Instead, he cuddled even closer to Pete (if that was even possible) and his hand brushed against the paper in Pete’s pocket.
“Hold on,” Patrick said. “What’s in your pocket?”
“Oh, it’s probably just a tag or something,” Pete told him, knowing full well that it was certainly not a tag. He pulled it out of his pocket and threw it aside.
“Really?” Patrick asked. “Let me see it.”
Pete gulped. He slowly handed the piece of paper over to Patrick.
Patrick, upon realizing that the paper was not, in fact, a tag, began reading it.
Dear Patrick,
I’m sorry I had to end my life like this. At least it ended on a happy note, with the two of us together. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything else in the world, and I’ll miss you very very much. Do not try to save me. I will be happier wherever I go next, trust me, alright?
This world was a living hell, and you were the only thing that made it better. Now I’m free.
I still love you very much.
Patrick turned to Pete, tears welling up in his eyes.
“Pete? What the hell is this?”
Pete rested his head on Patrick’s shoulder and cried. He tried to answer Patrick, he really did, but all that came out were huge, ugly sobs.
“I’m sorry, okay?” Pete choked out. “I just want it to be over. I love you so much, please just let me do this? Let me go?”
“But I can’t let you do this! I love you, I really do, you can’t-“
“If you really love me, then you have to accept this, okay? I can’t live like this anymore. You know me better than anyone else does, you know how much it hurts. I just want it to be over, okay?”
“I know you do, Pete, I know you do. But you have to stay strong, okay? For me. I know you can do it.” Patrick gently rubbed Pete’s back, trying desperately to calm him down. It was no use. Pete’s cries echoed throughout his body. There was no calming him down now; all Patrick could do was hold him tight and hope that Pete came to his senses eventually.
“But I tried to stay strong. I really did. I tried for so long, you don’t understand. All I wanted was for this to stop. All I wanted was to stop hurting. Please, just let me end this.”
“No,” Patrick said firmly. He held Pete tightly. Pete continued to cry.
Patrick was, needless to say, quite scared. And more than a little bit upset. Christmas had been spoiled, but it had occurred to him that it had probably been ruined before it even started. Pete had probably been planning this for a while. He had just wanted one final day with Patrick, and it should have been happy, but-
No, that wasn’t what it was about. This wasn’t going to be Pete’s last day. Patrick could still fix this, despite everything that had happened already.
“Listen, we’re gonna move past this, and everything’s gonna be okay, alright?” Patrick told Pete. “We’re still going to have an amazing Christmas, I promise.”
“I can’t do it,” Pete whimpered. “I already ruined everything. I’m so sorry. You should just let me go so I can end it all right now. We’ll both be better off.”
“No we won’t. You know that. Just be strong, okay? It’ll be just fine.”
“I love you, Patrick. I love you so much.”
“I love you too.”
Pete kept on crying for a few more minutes. Eventually he managed to calm himself down. He still had his head resting on Patrick’s shoulder.
“Please don’t leave,” Patrick whispered. “I love you so much.”
“I won’t. I promise,” Pete replied.
“Thank you.”
Patrick kissed Pete on the cheek. Pete smiled a very small smile. He nuzzled Patrick’s neck gently.
Then he carefully slithered out of Patrick’s grasp, grabbed the note off of the floor, and threw it into the fireplace.
Patrick looked at him in surprise.
“I don’t need it anymore,” Pete explained. “I’m not going anywhere, am I?”
Patrick smiled. He hugged Pete again. Apparently their Christmas would be alright after all.
Not long afterwards, both of them were snuggled up together on the couch. Pete had his head resting at Patrick’s chest, just beneath his chin. It made him feel safe, and warm, and loved.
And he was happy.