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"I'm a velociraptor," Mayhem said.
The gecko seated across from him sighed, rolling his eyes. "Well, mate, that's not likely to help you now, is it?"
"Why?" Mayhem asked innocently. "Because they're extinct?"
"Noooo. I think I've already disproved that little falsehood." The velociraptor the gecko was sitting on clawed the ground restlessly. "But, as you can see, I've got my mate here," the gecko said, patting the raptor's head fondly. "And not only that, you're surrounded by a whole pack of his mates." He paused for a moment, his chin in his hands. "I think you should have tried for 'I'm a tyrannosaurus' instead."
"Nah," said Mayhem airily. "Tyrannosaurs are way too over the top. Me, I go for subtle."
"You, subtle?" The gecko rubbed at his eyes. "Maybe I've trapped myself the wrong dingo here. You are Mayhem, right?"
"That's my name," Mayhem said proudly.
"Right, then." The gecko sounded a little confused. "You might be wondering why I've brought you here."
Mayhem looked around at the dense jungle foliage and the six very hungry-looking velociraptors that surrounded him in a loose circle, their sickle claws flexing eagerly. "I dunno. To kill me, perhaps?"
"Crikey! How did you know that?" the gecko asked suspiciously.
Smiling his signature smirk, Mayhem said, "Because I know everything. You can't cause a significant degree of mayhem unless you know exactly how things work, and besides, I'm just awesome that way." He crossed his heart with one hand, gazing heavenward. "Besides, we have the safety and well-being of an entire populace desperate for insurance in our hands. We gotta stay on top of our game."
"Riiight." The gecko seemed somewhat baffled, if the rapid drumming of his fingers on the velociraptor's head was any indication. "Well, if you already know I'm planning to kill you, that'll make things easier. I wasn't looking forward to the histrionics, to tell you the truth." The gecko crossed his arms. "You see, my company's been in a financial bind recently, so rather than take the chance they'll cut their ultra-expensive advertising budget, i.e., me, I've decided to eliminate some competition."
"Hmm. Am I the only one on your list?"
"No worries. You're just the first. That dim-witted sheila with the goofy hair is next."
Mayhem smiled smugly. "Good luck trying to kill her — you may as well try to kill a daydream. By the time Flo's finished talking, you'll have completely forgotten why you went there in the first place."
"I'll manage."
Mayhem just waved a hand, smirking. "On your head, be it. Don't say I didn't warn you."
"I'll write a sticky note as a reminder," the gecko added with a bit of aggravation.
"Velociraptors can read?"
"For me, gosh dang it!" the gecko said petulantly. "Look, we've gotten a little off topic here. If you have any sage last words, I'll make sure they end up in an obituary in some obscure publication in Tasmania. But quickly please, the boys haven't had their brekkie, and they're ready to bog in."
The raptors seemed to perk up at that, moving in closer to their promised lunch.
Mayhem stared at the raptors, squinting owlishly. "How are you controlling them?"
"Why do you want to know that? You'll be carking it shortly anyway."
"Because Curiosity is my middle name."
The gecko hmphed, looked skyward, then said, "I suppose it can't hurt, since you won't be around much longer anyway." He patted the head of the velociraptor he was sitting on. "This here is Clyde, my second cousin."
At Mayhem's raised eyebrow, the gecko added, "Sixty-five million times removed."
"Hmm." Mayhem rubbed his chin with a hand. "I'm confused. One of the useless bits of knowledge rolling around in my head is that birds are the descendants of dinosaurs, not lizards."
The gecko looked a little uncomfortable. "Well, that's where it gets a tad bit embarrassing." He peered around carefully, then said, "It turns out that my great grandmother once had a torrid fling with a flamingo."
"A flamingo?"
"Yeah. Caused quite a stir, back in the day. Anyway, every once in a while we get an egg that's a bit odd in color. Pink, actually. Bright, flamin' pink." The gecko leaned down closer to Mayhem and whispered, "We just hide the pink ones in a wombat's pouch. The clueless things never notice the difference."
"A marsupial that gives birth to live young doesn't notice a flaming pink egg?"
The gecko nodded his head vigorously. He put one paw up to his face and whispered, "Color blind."
"Ahh, I see. Convenient."
"We thought so," the gecko said proudly.
The raptor Clyde clawed impatiently at the ground, and the gecko patted him on the head again. "Right, then. Prepare to meet your maker, Mayhem."
"Nice alliteration."
"Gotta do something with that expensive college education. It's wasted on the insurance industry."
Mayhem nodded his head emphatically. "Ain't that the truth."
The gecko peered down at him quizzically. "You don't seem all that concerned about dying."
Mayhem looked up at him, eyes wide. "Oh, I’m not planning on dying. I'm a velociraptor, remember?"
The gecko sighed dramatically, putting a paw over his eyes. "We already covered that, mate. My six velociraptors trump your one velociraptor. Even if you were a velociraptor in the first place."
The pack of velociraptors moved in closer, sensing the imminent kill.
Mayhem sighed, pulling a bag from his pocket. "I probably should have been more precise. My bad. I'm not just a velociraptor. I'm a velociraptor . . . with cheese doodles."
"Cheese doodles?"
"Yep," Mayhem said proudly, holding up the bag. "Other than a tiny amount of calcium, they contain nothing but a shitload of empty calories with absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever." He pulled a doodle from his bag and popped it in his mouth. "These nasty things will kill ya," he said around a mouthful of doodle. He paused, holding out the bag. "Would you like one?"
"Well, unfortunately, I'm on a tight time schedule here. Insurance agents to kill, competition to eradicate, you know how it goes." The gecko rolled his eyes. "I'm afraid I don't have time for 'death by cheese doodle.'"
"Your loss." Mayhem chewed for a bit, then he smiled rakishly and added, "You wanna see a neat trick?" He pulled out another doodle, balancing it on his nose. Then he tossed his head and caught the now airborne doodle in his mouth, crunching with obvious relish. "Cool, huh?"
The raptors were looking at each other quizzically, especially after Mayhem walked right up to one, placed a doodle on his snout, and said, "Here, you try it."
"Now, wait just a minute!" the gecko said.
The raptor crossed his eyes trying to see what was perched on his nose, and Mayhem stepped back and balanced a doodle on his own nose. He snapped his fingers and repeated the tossing and catching maneuver with his doodle.
"See, it's fun," Mayhem said around a mouthful of crunchy, cheesy goodness.
The other raptors circled around the one with the doodle perched on his nose, sniffing curiously. The doodled raptor made the equivalent of a velociraptor shrug, tossed his head in the air and caught the doodle with a resounding snap of his jaws.
Mayhem whistled appreciatively. He had to admit it was a lot more impressive when a real velociraptor did it.
"All right, that's quite enough!" the gecko complained. "You're supposed to eat the human, that annoying human standing right in front of you." Glaring, he added, "Plenty of empty calories there, mind you."
Mayhem was appalled. "You think I look fat?" he asked, looking down and patting his waistline frantically.
Before the gecko could reply, all five of the other raptors crowded around Mayhem. He shrugged, made a mental note to go back on his 'keep it a 10' diet, and then obligingly balanced doodles on each of the raptors' noses.
Clyde stepped forward eagerly, despite the furious gecko pounding on an eye ridge with his fist.
Mayhem shook the now empty bag and said, "Whoopsie. Sorry, Clyde, seem to be fresh out of doodles." He bent over and whispered to the raptor, "You'll just have to do without, I'm afraid."
Then, Mayhem snapped his fingers.
Five cheese doodles and one squawking gecko were tossed in the air and snapped up by eagerly waiting raptor jaws.
As Mayhem ambled away, whistling a jaunty tune, he heard a muffled, outraged voice.
"Oh, dear. You swallowed me? You actually swallowed me, Clyde? You've got more than a few kangaroos loose in your top paddock, you bloody moron!" There was a thumping noise, then, "I can't believe you actually fell for that stupid trick!"
More outraged thumping.
"Hello! Clyde, you spit me out right . . . this . . . instant!"
Mayhem smiled, pulled out a copy of Allstate's comprehensive "You gotta be shittin' me" life insurance rider, and read quickly down the list.
Policy for accidental death and dismemberment, including these covered items:
Velociraptors
Bigfoot (AKA sasquatch)
King Kong (coverage not available in New York City)
The Loch Ness monster (coverage not available in Scotland)
Godzilla (coverage definitely not available in Japan)
Zombies (with or without accompanying apocalypse)
Any video featuring Richard Simmons and/or Lady Gaga
Pop Rocks
The "Triple Bypass Burger"
Your Aunt Betty's fruitcake
That slimy, tentacled thing under your bed that's determined to eat your face someday
Mayhem pondered the list for a while, then shrugged. You can never be too careful, and besides, he had a dim-witted, unsuspecting populace to protect.
Therefore, pulling out a pen, Mayhem hastily scribbled out "velociraptors" and wrote "cheese doodles" in its place.
He shuddered. Those things will definitely kill ya.
END