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It started as these things normally do. Slowly, then quickly, and then he is drowning.
At first it is just a shaky friendship. Keith can be insensitive and Lance can be petty. But they share a friend group and are cordial with one another for the sake of those friends. This somehow slips into actual friendship. He can’t quite put his finger on when friendship deepens into something else, but as the years pass, Lance’s smiles become more and more precious to Keith. Keith has never felt friendship like this before anyway. He loves all of his friends, of course. He would do anything for Shiro, for Pidge, for Hunk.
But, he would really do anything for Lance.
Keith’s idea of fun for a Friday night is not watching community theater put on The Glass Menagerie or some other boring play. But, it means a lot to Lance and, therefore, it also means a lot to Keith. So he drives Lance back and forth to rehearsals sometimes since Lance can’t drive. He goes to almost every showing, sitting as close as he can, gripping the program in his hands and, at times, mouthing along with Lance’s lines.
He watches Lance mingle afterward in the lobby, aware of but not entirely understanding the growing ache in his chest.
He sits on the phone even when he has to work early the next morning and listens to Lance ramble about everything, his job, the theater, some movie, and he smiles into the phone, lulled by the lilt of his voice.
It is obvious to everyone what is happening even before Keith realizes it himself. He is not a soft person. He isn’t cuddly or affectionate. He prefers to show his appreciation for his friends through loyalty and listening and they understand that about him.
But Lance. Lance is different. He makes Keith gentle. He makes Keith soft. He loves all of his friends, but he isn’t the type to gently run his fingers through their hair or curl up with them on the couch during movie nights.
But it feels natural with Lance.
His denial can only last so long. It takes a snowball fight to seal the deal. He tackles Lance to the ground, his laughter music to his ears. He looks down at Lance underneath him, smiling down, and thinks that Lance is the absolute most beautiful person he has ever seen.
And then he knows.
And it hurts because he also knows Lance doesn’t love him back, not like that. While Keith is only soft for Lance, Lance is touchy feely with everyone. He does curl up with Hunk. He hugs Pidge. He touches Shiro’s hair. He casually flirts with other people in front of Keith. He dates other people in front of Keith. Never anything serious, but one day, Keith knows what will happen. Knows that one day Lance will fall in love with someone else.
And after this slow realization, things move quickly. The ache in his chest increases. He feels like he can’t breathe sometimes around Lance. He wants to hold him tight, crush him to his chest, press his lips to his mouth. Sometimes it feels like the only way to relieve the growing pain in his chest. But, he can’t.
He can only love Lance from afar, hiding his pain when Lance simultaneously leans on his shoulder while texting some girl he met at the theater.
***********
They sit and watch fireworks together on New Year’s Eve. When midnight hits, Lance smiles at him and tells him he is glad to have Keith as a friend.
As a friend.
Keith excuses himself as soon as he can, walking back into the house, making his way to the bathroom. It hurts, too much, and the pain has shifted now from something emotional to something else. Something real, something tangible.
He leans over the sink and coughs, wondering if he is getting sick.
It is when he pulls the first petal from his mouth that he realizes that he is dying.
The petal is blue, because of course it is.
It is suddenly a daily occurrence that he is leaning over a sink or trash can puking up flowers. He can feel the roots and the petals dragging against his inflamed insides, tearing up his throat, constricting his lungs. He manages to hide it from Lance. He knows he should be doing something, that he might literally die from this, choke to death on his bathroom floor at the ripe age of 20, but he is scared.
He is so scared.
In some ways the disease is fitting though. It mirrors how his love feels-painful, violent, nauseating. This is what he deserves for falling for someone who would never love him back. This is it. As he spits up blood and drags mucous-covered petals from his throat, he thinks how much he deserves this.
It isn’t long before Shiro finds him on the ground of his bathroom, choking on the flowers.
“Who is it?” he asks afterward when Keith is able to speak. “Though I guess it is obvious…”
Keith doesn’t answer.
“You need to tell him.”
“He doesn’t love me back.”
“That is fine. This is serious though, Keith. Tell him and whatever happens, happens. I will schedule the surgery either way.”
The surgery. Keith knows it is a logical decision. It is mostly safe. It is meant to remove the romantic feelings one has for another. There is a slight chance of certain complications though. He might lose all of his emotions for the people in his life. An even rarer complication is death.
Keith doesn’t feel like he is meant to die though. The surgery makes sense. However, he aches thinking of losing his love for Lance. What he feels for Lance is pure and makes him happy when it isn’t killing him.
That very night, he wakes up unable to breath. He tries to scream, but can’t. He isn’t even sure how he survives. He blacks out at some point and wakes up to bloody sheets and petals. He tells Shiro that morning to schedule the surgery. He texts Hunk and Pidge telling them what’s up.
They both know anyway. They know the signs.
He texts Lance and asks to see him alone. He knows that he owes it to himself and Lance to at least speak to him before the surgery.
As he pulls into Lance’s driveway, he hears his phone ping.
Pidge: Listen you know we love you, right?
Keith: Yes
Pidge: And we would never do anything to hurt you
Keith: Where is this going
Pidge: Lance knows and he is planning to tell you that he loves you back even though he doesn’t to try to save your life.
Keith’s head spins and the pain in his chest makes him double over.
Pidge sends a screencap of a text conversation showing Lance basically admit this to Hunk.
Pidge: I know this hurts. I know. But I also know how much you care about Lance and you wouldn’t want him to spend his life with someone he doesn’t love like this. I know you want him to be happy. You need to get the surgery.
Keith leans over the steering wheel and loses time again, waking up feeling dizzy and weak with blood smeared all over his dash.
When he is finally able to grab his phone again, he ignores Pidge’s texts, rather texting Lance letting him know he is here and also texting Shiro that he needs to go to the hospital now and could he pick him up from Lance’s.
When he enters Lance’s place, Lance is smiling at him. It is a little off, a little nervous. Keith feels a pang of regret. He grabs Lance’s hands.
“Lance, I know. I know that you know about my disease.”
Lance looks surprised.
“Keith…”
“You don’t have to talk. Just listen. I love you. I love you more than myself. You mean so much to me.”
“It’s ok Keith…I love you too.”
“Lance, I know you don’t. Hunk and Pidge told me you were planning on lying. I am getting the surgery.”
He pauses to cough. It hurts so, so much and he is afraid he waited too long. That he would die right here in Lance’s arms. When he comes to again, Lance is rubbing his back, face stricken with fear.
“I just needed you to know,” he forges on, “How important you are and how special you are and can I get a hug?”
And Lance hugs him. Keith revels in the warmth. Let’s himself sink into Lance’s arms. And then Shiro is there, gently pulling him away from Lance.
He thinks about those arms even as he is wheeled into the emergency surgery room. Even as they put him under. Lance’s smile. Lance’s arms. His laugh. His eyes. His lips. His everything.
**********
He wakes up the next day for the first time without an aching chest. He feels calm. Peaceful. Pain free. Empty.
Shiro is there, smiling at him. Keith smiles back mechanically.
The others come to see him. Hunk and Pidge as a set, Lance fidgeting behind them.
He answers their questions just as mechanically. Nods and smiles at the right places.
Lance lingers when they leave. He watches the boy fiddle with his hands, obviously uneasy. He wonders what he might have for lunch, now getting hungry, as he watches Lance open and close his mouth several times.
“Are you angry at me?” Lance finally says.
Keith tilts his head.
“Why would I be angry at you?”
“Because…it was me, my fault…I understand if you are mad.”
“I am not mad at you, Lance. I don’t feel anything at all about you right now.”
There is a moment of silence. Lance looks surprised, then sad. He nods. “Ok…Ok.”
He leaves soon after, and Keith orders some mac and cheese from the cafeteria.
**********
It isn’t that he doesn’t understand what happened. It is just that he can’t bring himself to care.
He has all the memories. They exist and he can remember them and even remember them to be good times.
It is just the emotional component is gone. He doesn’t feel the memories. He just remembers them. He knows these people are his friends, but he finds it exceedingly difficult to pretend to be friends with people he doesn’t care about.
He knows it is the surgery. He knows they still care about him. So he smiles and he shows up to friend nights. He listens to their stories.
He isn’t an actor though. He can’t help stiffening when Lance leans against him or runs a hand through his hair. Keith isn’t a touchy feely person. He has no idea why he let Lance do that stuff to him before.
His patience grows thinner and thinner when listening to Pidge talk endlessly about her schoolwork. Even thinner when Hunk wants to talk about his new girlfriend or when his other annoying quirks come out like how he is scared of everything.
Shiro is the worst though, constantly wanting to talk about Keith’s emotions. Keith suspects Shiro knows the truth though. That deep down Keith doesn’t have them anymore.
“Are you coming to Lance’s show on Friday?” Shiro asks him during an awkward coffee meeting.
“I wasn’t planning on it…” It is the wrong answer.
“It would mean a lot to Lance if you did.”
Keith is quiet. “Yes. I will come.”
So he goes, idly flipping through the program throughout the play. He leaves as soon as the last lines are spoken.
He had never realized how friendship can be such an inconvenience. He has more time now. He works on his motorcycle. He catches up on Tv. He quits his dead-end job for a new, better one after a few rounds of sending out applications. He even flirts with a customer that comes in one day, getting his number.
Overall, things are going really well for him.
***********
It isn’t that Lance took Keith for granted. He told him he appreciated him. He supported Keith. He acknowledged Keith as one of his closest friends.
But, he didn’t realize just how much Keith gave to him until it is gone.
He had gotten so comfortable, maybe even spoiled, with how Keith treated him. Always so gentle. So soft. He pampered him and made him feel special. Lance knows Keith would do anything for him. It isn’t like he didn’t get that from other places. His family, Hunk, even Pidge and Shiro. But Keith was only for him. Keith only acted that way with him.
Keith was his.
His special friend.
He is fully prepared to pretend to be in love with him to save his life. That is what you do for someone you love. You make sacrifices.
But, he tells Pidge and Hunk his plans and Keith finds out.
It doesn’t seem like an emergency at first. The surgery is fairly safe. Very few die from it. It is just supposed to remove the romantic feelings with the flowers. He knows there are other possible side effects and risks, but never once believes they would actually happen. He imagines that, once the pesky romantic feelings are gone, everything can go back to normal.
**********
Keith’s eyes are so cold in the hospital bed.
Lance still has hope though.
But Keith is so cold all the time now. When Lance lays his head on his shoulder, he can feel Keith stiffen up. When he smiles and laughs, Keith doesn’t seem to care.
Keith comes to his play, but he is pretty sure that he doesn’t want to be there, bored eyes looking around the audience.
He isn’t waiting for Lance afterward either.
It would be easier to take if Keith was only treating him this way. But it seems to apply to their entire friend group. He watches Shiro’s concern turn into grief. He sees the way Hunk and Pidge want to say it, say what they are all thinking, but they hold back, afraid that speaking it will make it truth.
That Keith had lost all of his emotions for all of them. That he is struggling to be their friend because he doesn’t consider himself their friend anymore.
A ball of pain grows in Lance’s stomach as he stubbornly tries to pretend it isn’t true. But Keith withdraws, more and more, from all of them. First emotionally. Then physically. Occasionally ducking out of friend night turns into never coming. He suddenly has a new job that takes up a lot of his time. He responds in their group chat less and less frequently until he doesn’t respond at all anymore.
He slips out of their lives so easily.
He hadn’t seen Keith for a month when he suddenly catches sight of a familiar black mullet in a restaurant while walking to Subway.
He charges over to the table, opening his mouth and then immediately closing it. Keith is sitting in a small booth with a tall, long-haired blonde man. There is very little space between them and a candle is burning. They are on a date.
The strange man looks up at him expectantly, smiling cautiously.
“Lance?” Keith asks.
“Can we talk? For just a minute, alone?”
It is a rude thing to ask. Keith is clearly in the middle of a date. Keith looks at the man and shrugs.
“Just one second, Lotor? I will explain when I get back,” he says to him and then stands, walking out with Lance.
“Keith…”
Keith stares at him, unmoving.
“I miss you so much. I can’t do this anymore. I am so lonely without you. We are so lonely without you.”
Keith still just stares at him.
“Don’t you remember how close we used to be? When we watched fireworks together last year or waded in the creek by Hunk’s house when we were teenagers or when we threw that surprise party for Shiro and you held my hand in the dark…”
“Of course I remember.” Keith answers. “I’ve just been busy lately. New job and all. You know how it is. We should catch up some time though?”
Lance suddenly feels cold right down to his core. There is no warmth in Keith’s eyes or his voice. It isn’t Keith anymore, not really.
He swallows hard.
“Yeah, we will have to get together some time.”
Then Keith is gone, back to that man in the restaurant who couldn’t possibly know Keith the way that he knows Keith.
How is that man going to know that Keith is afraid of thunder or that he prefers his tea to be half and half or that he hates mustard on his sandwiches or how his hands shook when he held Lance close and told him how special he was?
How could he know what Lance knows?
He goes home afterward, suddenly not hungry. He ignores texts from his friends.
It is when he is curled in bed in a tight ball that he feels a burning in his chest, a tickle in his throat.