Chapter Text
Keith is a lot of things.
He is half-Galra half-human. He is the son of Krolia and Heath. He is the Black Paladin. He is a soldier, or, in self-indulgent moments, he thinks of himself as a warrior. He is Shiro’s best friend. He is part of a humanitarian outreach program now that the war is over. He is quick-tempered, even now. He is one of the packs of early morning joggers now since he has put on a bit of weight, solely because of eating Hunk’s ridiculously good food. He is still someone who likes to ride his hover bike too fast. He is Pidge’s confidant for anything that isn’t technical or jargon-filled, most recently a small battle of wills going on with a colleague over the thermostat. He is, finally, Lance’s best friend as well. He is content.
He is not lonely though.
Definitely not.
It is ridiculous to think that someone like Keith, a veteran, someone who had not only survived but helped win the biggest war the universe has ever seen would be lonely. He is an adult. He has family and friends. He has a fulfilling job and hobbies.
There is no reason for him to feel lonely.
Except that he does. As years slip by, this gnawing feeling of emptiness festers inside of him. He has everything he could have ever dreamed of having. More, actually. His mom. A found family that he is just as close to as his mom, if he is being honest.
He isn’t alone. His emotional needs are being met, or so he tells himself.
It is shocking to think that he is so banal, so simplistic of a person that he is sad because he wants a romantic relationship.
I mean, for most of his life he had dabbled in calling himself aromantic because he simply didn’t get the crushes or urges to date that others seemed to get by the time they hit 12. He decided he isn’t when he develops his first crush, but still.
It just takes longer for those feelings to emerge for him. He doesn’t like someone because they are cute or hot or whatever. He doesn’t “fall” over one conversation. It is only after he gets to know someone and becomes comfortable with them that he develops feelings.
This makes his little, embarrassing problem all the harder to remedy. It isn’t like he can just ask someone out. It isn’t like he can, as Pidge suggests one time, sign up for a dating website. He won’t know if he has the capacity to like someone in that way until knowing them for months, even years.
Which is fine. That is just the way he is built.
But, he has other concerns. He knows he is difficult to get to know. That hasn’t changed even with all the ways he has opened up after Voltron. He is definitely better, but there will always be a part of him that is reserved.
Keith wonders if he is not only difficult to get to know, but also difficult to love. Not counting family, Shiro is basically the only person who loves him in the entire world before Voltron. Even then, it had taken him the longest to bond with all of the Voltron members. It is just difficult for him to connect to people easily and quickly like others seem to do.
Keith doesn’t think anyone has ever really been interested in him romantically. He thought Acxa might have been, for a split second, and was even considering giving her a shot. But then she met Veronica and never looked back at Keith. Which is fine. His loneliness was making him consider asking Acxa out more than anything else.
It is pretty par for the course for Keith, come to think about it, to watch potential partners being happy with someone else. Twice in his life he had experienced falling in love with someone and then watching that person turn around and pursued someone else in front of him.
Maybe he is just someone no one wants to take a chance on.
Maybe it is because he is a mixed species person. Too human for Galra, too Galra for humans.
Maybe it is like he suspected as a teenager. Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong, fundamentally off about him and others can just sense it.
These thoughts creep into his consciousness late at night and he feels guilty about them when the morning comes. He isn’t unlovable. He knows this. He has a group of family and friends he knows love him deeply.
Just.
Not in that way. Never in that way.
He tries not to think about it.
Tries not to let anyone know that he is lonely.
Tries not to let anyone see him occasionally watching romantic comedies and wondering what it would be like to have someone run across an airport for him.
It works most of the time, except for the fact that he has such good friends who know him a bit too well.
Shiro vaguely assures him after every video call that if Keith ever needs to talk he is there for him.
Hunk gives him extra big bear hugs every time Keith shows up at one of his restaurants.
His mom clumsily asks him outright what is wrong, with a threat to beat up anyone that is “hurting his feelings.”
Pidge is too smart for her own good and is the only one who truly sees through Keith. That is when the dating site conversation had happened. He had barely managed to stop her from making a profile for him, a devilish smirk on her face.
And then there is Lance.
Keith has to put the most effort into keeping in contact with Lance after the war, compared to the others. He is grieving. He struggles for a bit to find his place in the world. Keith is a bit puzzled and sad when he decides to create a flower farm. It is charming, but part of Keith hoped that Lance would decide to help the Blade or…well, anything other than staying on Earth, leaving behind everything that Keith thought of as their new home. A space ship. A new planet every week. The stars glittering around them instead of up in the sky.
But, they texted sporadically and that sporadic texting turns into more regular texting. Then, Lance admits he is short-handed after a storm damages parts of the farm and Keith finds himself offering to come and help.
It is nice. They fix fences and drink tea on Lance’s porch. He meets some nieces and nephews. They walk through truly stunning fields of flowers.
This turns into regular visits. Even though Keith feels like he belongs in space, he still looks forward to visiting Lance’s flower farm. It is so peaceful, in Cuba, surrounded by vast expanses of flowers. It is surprisingly peaceful with Lance as well. The loud, annoying boy had turned into a quiet, reserved and polite man. Keith doesn’t entirely like it, if he is being honest.
It is with joy that he observes Lance’s healing as the years pass. His loud laugh comes back. He starts calling Keith mullet again. They get into an argument over the difference between a pot and a pan (they are not interchangeable no matter what Lance says) and Keith is so happy it feels like his heart will burst.
It is all very delicate though.
He doesn’t want to put a name on anything he is feeling. That is why he just tells himself he is lonely and then moves on. Putting a name to everything he feels is a bad idea, the beginning of an end, the start of a catastrophe.
************
“Keith? Keeeeeeith!”
Keith jerks his head to see Lance smiling and waving a hand in front of his face.
They are sitting outside around Lance’s firepit during a beautiful fall evening. They had spent all day fertilizing soil and Keith is exhausted. Even Kosmo had called it a night, deciding to go to bed instead of sitting up with them.
“So, you ever going to tell me what is wrong?” Lance asks innocently.
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
“You can’t lie to me. You have that spacey, sad dopey look on your face every time I see you now.”
“This is just my face.”
“Come on. We are friends right?”
“Right.”
“Is someone at work being mean to you?”
“Lance. I’m not 12.”
“Did Pidge break into your phone again and change your name on every form of communication to Princess Keith?”
“I told her I would kill her if she ever did that again.”
“Anyone sick or hurt or…”
“Nothing like that.”
“So you admit it is something then?”
“Just drop it.” There is no heat to Keith’s words. He stares at the fire, only glancing over when Lance looks up into the distance, whistling gently and tapping his hand against his leg like he is thinking. Then, a sly smile crosses his face.
“Girl…Guy…Alien…Romance problems.”
Keith rolls his eyes, but can’t stop a slight flush from crossing his face. He was always a terrible liar.
“Oh my god, I didn’t think it would be that. The great Keith having romance problems!” Lance stretches and then leans forward, eyes eager.
“So, is it someone at work?”
“It isn’t like that.”
“Someone likes you and you don’t like them back?”
Keith snorts. “No one likes me.”
The teasing lilt to Lance’s voice disappears immediately. “Dude, why would you say that? What’s up?”
“I don’t mean in general. I just mean, no one is interested in me…that way.”
Keith is embarrassed. This feels like a conversation you have at 16, not when you are a full grown damn man talking to your ex-rival.
“Keith, my dude. We’re close enough that I can say this now. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You’re a badass savior of the universe and you have a space wolf. What’s not to love?”
“Well, me, apparently. Because no one ever has.”
There is a moment or two of silence. Keith does not look at Lance. He wonders what it is about being on this farm and the flickering, gentle light of the fire that makes him want to be honest. After so much time denying it, he feels a pain in his throat, clawing its way out. Acknowledging the issue also seems to set it free.
“Keith…well…”
“It’s fine. I’m just in a weird mood.”
“Have you ever dated anyone?”
“No.”
“Have you ever loved someone?”
“Yes.”
Lance looks surprised. “Who?”
“Does it matter?”
“Well…honestly, I’m a little curious.”
“I have loved exactly two people in my life. Neither were interested in me.”
Lance is silent again.
“Shiro?”
Never let it be said that the Red Paladin isn’t smart.
Keith winces and nods.
“Ouch, dude. I wish you had told me earlier. We could have gotten really drunk at his wedding.”
Lance fumbles over the last word, like he is afraid it will upset Keith.
“It’s fine. Honestly, it was a teenager thing for me. I was young and he was nice to me. I wasn’t in love with him and he’s just a brother to me now. Plus, Adam and him are perfect for each other.”
“True, true.”
Another silence.
“And the other?”
“What?”
“You said there were two.”
“No. You don’t need to know everything.”
“Is it embarrassing?”
Keith laughs. “Maybe.”
“Don’t tell me its Pidge.”
“God, no.”
“Acxa? I kind of thought you two had a thing for a while. Oh god, did Veronica steal Acxa from you?”
“No, not Acxa.”
Lance fiddles with his bracelet, a nervous habit. “I get it with Shiro. He’s much older than you and probably always saw you as his kid brother. But I cannot believe there is more than one person out there willing to pass you up.”
Keith lets out a ragged, painful breath.
“Well, there is.” He smiles sadly.
Lance stares at him, but Keith pointedly doesn’t look, following the flickering flames with his eyes instead.
“I feel like maybe I’m just meant to see people I love fall in love with other people. I am a good friend, but not a good partner.”
“Keith, my man. That is defeatist talk. You need to get out there. Go on a few dates, ask someone out, maybe even…”
“Don’t say it…”
“Join a dating site.”
“You and Pidge, I swear…”
“You just aren’t experienced and you have had…well, a complicated life. The point is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I mean, when you were younger you were a jerk but…”
Keith smacks him.
“But I mean it. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”
Keith laughs, a decidedly not joyful sound, drier and more bitter than he wants.
“Sure, anyone,” he says and stands up.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m beat. I’m going to lie down.”
“Are you staying for lunch tomorrow?”
“No, I better get going. I promised a friend I would help them with something.”
Lance narrows his eyes. It is a lie, of course. The friend is really Kosmo and some of Hunk’s leftovers. Maybe he would park his ship on some peaceful planet nearby and watch the sun rise.
Lance opens and closes his mouth, appearing deep in thought.
Keith waits, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for Lance to pick at him in ways he wouldn’t be able to defend against.
“Ok,” he finally says. “Ok. But, say goodbye before you go in the morning?” Keith nods and walks away.
**********
The next morning, Keith considers just leaving before Lance wakes up. But, he can’t do it. So, he gets up, helps milk some cows and feed some livestock, eats a quick scrambled egg breakfast with Lance, and then he leaves. Keith zooms away in his ship, watching the colorful flower field get smaller and smaller until he can’t see it anymore.