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It took Jared longer then he’d like to admit to realize that he wasn’t straight.
He was 12, and him and Evan were sitting in his room, playing Mario kart on their 2Ds’ and listening to The Black Keys on Jared’s dad’s old stereo. The thought had been on Jared’s mind a lot recently, whether or not it was normal that he had non-platonic feelings for guys that were similar to the ones that he supposed he should feel for girls (or rather, he had feelings for boys and not girls, but it took him another year or so to realize that. But, that’s not relevant.) He pulled the DS screen from his face, pausing the game and tossing it to the side. Evan saw the screen freeze through his own DS, and looking up at Jared he asked, “What’s up?”
“D’you ever, like,” he paused and huffed, furrowing his eyebrows as he thought about how to word it, “get really, really small, almost-not-at-all-but-still-there crushes, but, like, on other guys?” (a specific guy, but that’s not relevant.) Evan hesitated, tilting his head at Jared, and for a split-second Jared about panicked because “shit he probably thinks I’m gay but like I probably am because I like boys but I like girls too (no he doesn’t) what if he ditches cause he thinks it’s wierd shit I think it’s fine but what if he doesn’t shit sh it shitshtihstishtishtit--” but then suddenly Evan responded.
“Um, I-I dunno, I guess yeah.” He said, which was an answer Jared didn’t find all too satisfying.
“What d’you mean? Wait, nope, does that mean that its normal?”
“I mean, yeah I guess, maybe. Uh, I’ve thought about it a lot actually, ‘cause the way I feel around Zoe murphy is like, the exact same with Jake Dillinger. B-but I don’t think I’m gay, cause I like Zoe. Maybe it’s normal, or m-maybe, uh…” he trailed off. Jared thought for a second, tapping his pointer finger to the rhythm of his thoughts as he tried to formulate a reply.
“The like, definition of gay is liking another dude, unless you’re a girl, so maybe we’re like, half gay? Or something? I don’t know.”
“Uh,” Evan replied, “Maybe we could like… google it?”
And if that wasn’t one of the dumbest fucking things Jared thinks he’s ever considered. Cause there was a little voice, way far back, basically screaming that the solution was obvious and he’s gonna save himself a lot more frustration if he just succumbs to it, but that wall society had built just blocked it out completely. It was a buzz that nagged at the back of his head, a constant tapping, a scratched record spinning and spinning and spinning.
“um, sure?”
Evan pulled out his phone and was on it for a good minute looking extremely confused before Jared leaned over to see what was going on.
“Nothing that made any sense was pulling up, so I went to like, a list of sexualities, which I think is the word for what genders you date or something, and there’s like a lot of them so I was reading definitions and I think the best one here is bisexual.”
“which is..?”
“Basically liking both girls and guys, I guess. Uh..”
“What?”
“Nothing, there’s just tons of stuff on here. Anyway. So.”
“So.”
“So, is this like, an official thing now?”
“I guess. Maybe. Do you think we should like… tell anyone?” Evan scrunched up his faced. (Which, in turn, made Jared’s heart skip a beat. Irrelevant)
“I mean I’m not homophobic and I think its fine but I wanna be like 100% sure before I like, say its official or something.
“Yeah. How about we just- keep this between you and me for now?”
“That’s fine, I guess. We’d probably get made fun of at school and I have no Idea how my mom feels about... this kind of stuff.”
“Yeah same.”
“Yeah.”
There was a beat of silence.
“So wait you like Jake Dillinger?”
Jared realized that he was a full-on homosexual about a year later, and the reason that it’s about a year rather than a designated time was because he denied it for then longest time, simply thinking that there were just no girls that caught his eye. But by the time he was 13, it was kinda hard to ignore that he got a lot more distracted looking at the other guys’ asses (a specific guy’s ass, but again, not relevant at the moment,) and had just about zero interest in the girls’.
He decided, after a while of minor confliction, to tell Evan that he was gay. Which, when he’s bi and they bonded a bit over their mutual non-straightness about a year back, should have made the confrontation all the more easy. But it wasn’t. Something about voicing the fact he was gay made it feel surreal. Like, the second he said it, it automatically was more real the it was when it was just a decision he made amongst himself. Which should have been comforting, it sounds like something that would be. Verifying a piece of yourself. But it just made him feel uneasy and scared.
The more he thought about it, the more he could find himself un-deciding to tell Evan, so, in his attempts to prevent himself from “backing out like a pussy, which is the last thing I need in my life,” (his own words,) he said, “fuck it,” and left his house on a desperate walk to Evans.
He managed to block out his thoughts for the first minute of the power sprint, but inevitably his mind caught up with him, but as long as he didn’t think of his feet he kept walking, so focusing on that lingering thought in the back of his head was just about his last option. “You’re gonna tell him you like him,” no, no I’m not. “You’re gonna confess, and everything’s gonna go wrong,” see, that’s exactly why I’m not telling him. The voice kept talking and nagging, but he managed to quiet his thought by thinking to himself, “Today, I’m just telling him I’m gay so he knows, we’ll hang out or something, and that’s it. Maybe I’ll tell him someday, but not today.” And that was the final word spoken, because Jared had reached Evan’s driveway.
He knocked hesitantly on the door, making sure to do so quietly at first then progressively a bit louder (the smartest and most effective way to not scare the shit out of the poor kid.) Little 14-year-old Evan opened the door, before greeting Jared with a small, “oh hey.”
“Sup.” Was all Jared said before Evan shrugged and stepped back to let him in. “Is your mom home?”
“No, she doesn’t get back until p-pretty late tonight.” He fumbled out, leading Jared to the kitchen. He plopped down on a barstool in front of a half-eaten sandwich, which he’d presumably been occupied with when Jared knocked on his door.
“Mm. Well, I’m here because I have news.” Jared said, trying his hardest to not let his voice waiver and keep his breathing under control as he sat across from Evan.
“News...?” Evan drew out, taking a bite from his PB&J.
“Yeah. Well, less news and more like, ‘delayed information,’ or something. I guess. Um. So.”
“…So?” Jared noticed how Evan began to repeatedly tap on the marble counter, which meant he was getting nervous.
“So, yes, so is.. the question. The question is so. So it is. But, however, uh, the answer to that, the delayed thing, or whatever I said, uh-” Jared couldn’t seem to get it out. His mind kept stuttering and stalling, making him say random shit so he could avoid saying what he’d gone there to say.
“J-Jared are you okay..?”
“yeah. Yeah! I’m good, I’m great, I am doing swell, um I’m..”
“You’re?” Jared took a small breath and just went for it.
“I’m gay.”
Evan choked on his sandwich.
Smooth.
Jared snorted before saying, “Oh shit, hold on-” and nearly fell over in his attempt to get off the barstool. He grabbed a cup, filled it with tap water, and rushed it over to Evan (he also spilled water all over the floor in his panic but that was an issue for later.)
Evan sipped at the water and coughed a couple times before he managed to shake himself out of his panic. He laughed a bit before throwing himself into another coughing fit.
All he managed, whilst still in shock from a near death experience, was, “Oh.”
The absurdity of the situation finally hit Jared and He just lost his shit. He said something along the lines of “I literally can’t fucking believe you nearly died when I told you I was gay,” but it was drowned out by his and Evan’s laughter.
Not much further discussion was needed, as that train wreck of a situation was exhausting enough for them, so they decided on mortal combat and called it a day.
Now, the time skip between then and when these two clueless dipshits finally managed to get together, that’s another story. A long one. So, I’ll spare the minor details, (Okay, not so minor. Jared became a grade A asshole in high school. Ignored Evan, and refused to call him his friend because Evan had the lowest social status in the school, next to a kid called Connor Murphy. Short story shorter, Connor took his own life and Evan faked a friendship with him to his family, and Jared helped, inevitably getting both of them balls deep into a huge mess. Evan scraped from the experience alive, and Jared? It gave him something to think about. He came to terms with a couple things. One, he fucking hated being an asshole. Two, he really fucking loved Evan. So, he apologized. A lot. It took a little while, but they became friends again, and Jared never knew how much he missed Evan. So that’s where we leave off, Jared and Evan, close as ever and Jared pining just as much, if not more, as when he was a confused and horny twelve year old.)
They were at a park, Evans choice of course, and the sun was beginning to set. The air was cool. They weren’t talking, just sitting underneath an oak tree, Jared mindlessly strumming at an old guitar he barely knew how to play and Evan picking petals off a flower.
“The nature kid tearing petals off a flower? How preposterous.” He said, breaking the silence. Evan chuckled, hiding his face as he did, and Jared smiled warmly at him.
“I love trees, I said nothing about flowers.” He said.
“You playing they love me, they love me not? Anyone caught you eye after Zoe?” Jared asks, strumming his guitar a little softer so the conversation was the main focus.
“I dunno, uh, maybe?” Evan said, “I don’t- I don’t think he…” he hesitated, then looked over at Jared, shifting his attention to the guitar. “It’s not important. What’ve you been playing?”
Jared furrowed his eyebrows at Evan. “Uh, it’s a Dodie Clark song. But really, who’s this guy you’re after…?” Jared pushed, making sure he was completely ready to back down in case Evan seriously didn’t want to talk.
“I-It doesn’t matter, really,” Evan said, “do you know the words?”
“Yeah… But, y’know, you can tell me anything Ev, you know that, right?”
“Yeah! Yeah, yeah… I-I know, it’s just…” he stopped and took a deep breath. “I’ll tell you. One day, I promise, I will. For now, just, play me that song you’re working on? Please?”
“Okay.”
He shifted the way his guitar was placed, and took a deep breath.
It was that very second that Jared realized that he was about to sing a love song to his crush, under a tree, at sunset, and this boy was staring at him like he put the stars in the sky. His heartbeat picked up, and he flushed, but nonetheless he began strumming.
I have a question
It might seem strange
How are your lungs?
Are they in pain?
He took a deep breath.
'Cause mine are aching
Think I know why
I kinda like it, though
You wanna try?
Oh, would you be
So kind
As to fall in love with me, you see
He looked up at Evan as he sang now, smiling a little bit. Evan was wide eyed, and Jared couldn’t read him.
I'm trying
I know you know that I like you
But that's not enough
So if you will
Please fall in love
Evan seemed to be getting closer, and Jared felt his breath catch in his throat. The next verse was barely a whisper, the next few strums were messy, but regardless he finished the chorus.
I think it's only fair
There's gotta be some butterflies somewhere, wanna share?
'Cause I like you
But that's not enough
So if you will
Please fall in love with me.
The last line was barely finished, each word was spaced out, and the second that the soft, “me,” was said, Evan pressed his lips to Jared’s.
Jared’s heart skipped a fucking beat, and for a split second he froze up. Evan pulled away, horrified, and instantly took to his feet, apologizing like mad. “Shit, I read that wrong, oh god I’m so sorry. Y-you were just singing a song oh my god oh my god-” Jared dropped his guitar and stood to take Evans face in his hands. Before Evan could run off, Jared leaned in quick and softly kissed Evan again, feeling as a shiver went down his spine. It took Evan a second, Jared noticed, to process what was going on before he leaned into it. Tears stained his cheeks, and he didn’t stop crying as Jared kissed him, but fuck was it the most blissful thing.
Evan let his body fall roughly to the side, pulling Jared by his sleeves and pinning himself to the tree. The kiss was soft, slow, hot, Evan was so fucking overwhelmed he couldn’t stop tearing up once he started and Jared had to keep reminding himself to take a moment to breathe. Neither knew how to kiss, so neither knew what to expect, but either would tell you it was the best goddamn kiss ever. Maybe it was the passion, maybe it was the sheer happiness, or just overload of emotion that made it the way it was, but truthfully it didn’t matter. Cause it felt like a drug. Jared was hooked on the way Evan’s lips felt against his own, he was kinda pissed he hadn’t done this sooner.
Jared pulled back and saw Evan duck his head down, wiping his face with his sleeve and apologizing for tearing up so much. Those two losers didn’t even talk about their feelings until it was past dark and they needed to drive home, they spent all sunset making out. But it didn’t matter, because Jared couldn’t have asked for the situation to go any better. For his life to go any better, really. From 12 year old Jared and Evan googling sexualities to Evan nearly choking to death when Jared said he was gay, what it took to get where he was with Evan was worth it in the end, despite how long it took.