Chapter Text
Fredag, 21:21. Just another party.
Let it out - Tom Rosenthal
https://open.spotify.com/track/4ktG1ArGHMj4miAjwpvvHT?si=3yu6RC04TEWvrj2Lar7LXw
Have you got a secret? Let it out
Have you got the words to say someone to think about?
Isak wandered through that party, bumping into people he didn't know, and raising his eyebrows in acknowledging to people across the room, who he didn't know regardless. Girls' eyes lingering a bit too long, to what his body rushed away instinctively.
Gosh what a beauty
I've just never known it before
Gone in an instant
What were you waiting for?
Isak stopped in the middle of that packed room and looked around, wondering how many of those people had got a secret that wasn't possible to put into words. Were any of them feeling like a hollow shell too, filled only with a heavy heart, tangled with all the things that weren't possible to let out? Did any of them have just dry sobs to give to their pillows because their bodies hadn't even the spirit to produce tears?
Open your windows
Let the wind meet your face
Throw it to the skies love
It will find a place
Isak was barely sixteen, but he felt tired in his soul. Or maybe it was just one of those weeks, when sleep wouldn't come to him. It wasn't like Isak was blue, he was just grey. That wasn't exactly sadness, it was a feeling of no feeling, an emptiness deep inside, a feeling of being alone. Alone all the time, in middle of people, his loneliness had nothing to do with the absence of people.
But it was ok. Isak was just fine.
He walked upstairs, sliding his hands through the walls, gripping them, on a craving for feeling. Anything. He found an empty bedroom and sneaked inside, slamming the door behind him. Isak leaned his back against the door, looking up and staring blankly at the ceiling, his body relieving a sigh he didn't even notice he was holding.
“Hi.”
“Fuck!” Isak shrieked nearly jumping to the ceiling.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” said a guy with a deep voice, cracking out laughing.
With an uncoupled heart, Isak watched as a tall blonde guy in an oversized hoodie laughed his ass at him. Isak stared disoriented until the guy’s laughs were dying and his gaze over him intensifying.
The boy lingered his eyes all over Isak, from bottom to top, and Isak felt shy, but he didn't avoid his eyes.
“Stop looking at me like that!” Isak shouted.
“Like what?” shouted the guy back, seeming genuinely surprised.
“Like, like..." Isak muttered, shaking his head. “Like you're deciding which piece of me you're going to keep as a souvenir.”
The guy's surprised face turned into a smirk that was growing bigger and bigger until it reached his eyes. Isak thought it was a nice smile, the kind that makes your mouth twitch in response.
But then, his face fell, and his smile vanished away, leaving behind a sadness in his eyes that made Isak shift uncomfortably on his feet. The guy's eyes never leaving him. At some point, Isak really thought this guy was about to shed tears right in the middle of that room. What the fuck.
“Hm,” Isak mumbled. “Are you ok?”
Like removed from a spell, the tall dude shook his head and smiled back, raising one hand to his ear, then holding up a joint between them.
"Oh," Isak smirked back.
“Follow me,” said the dude, passing by Isak with some large steps, then jumping backward onto the bed putting a show.
Isak watched him crawling back gracefully and resting his back on the headboard, with his long legs spread over the sheet. He held the joint between his lips as he groped his pockets, never sparing a look at Isak.
Isak looked at the closed door, then back at the guy, lighting up the joint. He could still hear the muffled pop song playing downstairs, and it gave him shivers. He felt like he wouldn't bare sparing one more minute that night being fake, fake, fake until his bones, just to later hit his bed feeling dormant inside, even if his mind would be spiraling wildly.
Or he could accept this weird guy's offer. And probably the ending would be the same, but Jonas had taught him better, you don't fucking turn down free weed. And what the fuck, what harm could it do anyway?
Isak took some unsure steps to the bed, sitting on the edge, then rushing to get the joint the guy was handing him, having to twist his wrist clumsily at a weird angle.
He looked up, locking eyes with him. He seemed amused like he was part of an inside joke.
“Ok, you’re kind of cute. I’ll give you that.”
Isak choked and coughed on that weed, hearing him chuckling beside him.
“What the fuck,” said Isak hoarsely, coughing more. “I’m not gay, dude."
The guy raised his eyebrows, then closed his eyes, sighing.
“Fuck, I had completely forgotten about that.”
“What?” said Isak shaking his head and handing him the joint back.
"Where I come from people just like people."
Isak frowned, watching his cheeks hollowing as he took a long drag. Isak stared, maybe a little too much, as he tilted his chin up, blowing a thick cloud of smoke out of his big lips.
“Are you from Canada?”
The guy choked, coughing while smoke was still leaving his body. He coughed and coughed until he was just laughing breathless, tilting his head up seeking for air. Isak couldn't contain a smirk himself.
The guy laughed until he rested his face on the headboard, staring intensely at Isak. Why was that with this guy always looking at him like he wanted to memorize him? Isak averted his eyes shyly, feeling his face getting flushed.
“I’m Even,” said the guy, and when Isak looked up under his eyelashes, he saw him extending a hand.
“Hm, Isak,” replied Isak accepting it.
“Nice to meet you, Isak,” said Even shaking their hands slowly, looking at him all the time.
“So, you aren't from here?” asked Isak with a puzzled face.
Even stared at him, but didn't say a thing. Isak frown deepened and he was about to say something when Even finally spoke.
“What if I told you I wasn't supposed to be here, but that I just wanted to take a look at you?”
Isak snorted.
“I’d say it's enough jay for you,” Isak smiled nervously.
“What would you say if I told you we are together in other universes? In a lot of them?”
"Like I'm the love of your life or something like that? Don't you think it's a bit too forward?" said Isak raising both eyebrows at him, trying to keep it cool while his neurons were running inside his head, set on fire, screaming we are flirting with a boy, we are flirting with a boy.
"No, Isak," said Even seriously. "I'm saying you're the love of all my lives."
Isak's mouth fell open, how could this guy say things like that while looking at him with those big eyes shining with meaning?
“I just needed to know,” said Even looking down at their hands laying close on the bed. “What is that in the atoms in your body that are supposed to make the atoms in mine scream. What is that in you that makes you so damn appealing to me. I just wanted to understand.”
“Dude, you’re very weird,” said Isak frowning.
“I mean, you aren't even that pretty,” continued Even looking down.
“Oh, thanks,” shouted Isak bitterly.
“I'm sorry,” said Even looking at him again and raising his eyebrows apologetically. “You are pretty. But I mean, it's complicated to fulfill expectations of a whole life.”
Isak passed the joint back with a permanent frown on his face. But this time Even grabbed his fingers instead of pulling back.
“Am I feeling everything I’m supposed to feel? Should I feel it more?” he said raising his eyes to stare into Isak's soul. “Why you? Why you of all people? What makes you you?”
Isak gasped and pulled his hand back harshly. Something in Even's voice was making him uncomfortable, like he was being cornered. What the fuck was wrong with that guy.
They stayed silently sat beside each other. Isak's head spinning in confusion as they passed the joint back and forth, wordlessly.
“What color are your eyes?” asked Even not sparing a glance at him, with a severe expression on his face, like he had just asked doctor, how many months ?
“Green?” replied Isak, but it sounded like a question.
Even nodded solemnly, mouthing green , then sighing.
“Ninety-nine point eight percent,” blurted out Even.
“Huh?”
“Isak, you and I, we’re final matches in fucking ninety-nine point eight percent of universes.”
“Final matches?”
“Final matches," repeated Even. "Like in true love, the one and only, soul mates. All this bullshit, whatever you want to call it.”
“How did you even come up with this number?” asked Isak grimacing.
“Actually is ninety-nine point seventy-eight, seventy-eight, seventy-eight...and go on and on,” said Even making circles in the air with his index finger. “Ending with a seventy-nine in the end. Even our rate number is odd, Isak, it has this weird pattern. What would you say about that, huh?”
“That you are a pretty precise lunatic?”
“Isak, you don't get it,” said Even sighing.
“I don't get it? Please tell me when I should starting understanding shit that you say,” shouted Isak.
"Aaaah," let go Even frustrated, making Isak frown.
Even laid his whole body on the bed, resting his head on a pillow and crossing both his wrists on his forehead.
“Isak,” said Even, turning to Isak. “My parents, they have a pretty good rate. Their rate? Zero point eight. And this is huge, much higher than average. Isak, each one thousand universes they are final matches in eight of them. That is a lot. I knew a guy that had twenty-six, and he was a fucking legend. Us, Isak? Every one thousand universes we end together in fucking nine hundred ninety-eight. Isak, what do you say about that, huh?“
“Man, you just came up with all of this now? I'm impressed," said Isak staring open-mouthed.
Even took a glance at Isak, then covered his eyes with his arms, sighing in frustration. Isak stared back and didn't say a thing. Man, this guy is having a hell of a trip.
“What about the other zero point two percent then?” asked Isak nonchalantly.
“The miracle of the miracle!” chuckled Even unamused, raising both arms above his body like saying look at me.
“This doesn't make any sense,” said Isak grimacing.
“Why?” asked Even, turning to his side to look at Isak, interested.
“Let's not even talk about these numbers that you just came up with. Let's suppose they are accurate. How could you know you're in one of those zero point two percent?”
“Simple,” said Even smiling sadly. “I don't have an Isak. You were never born in my universe, Isak.”
Isak stared back speechless, and he felt suddenly dizzy. All those beers and weed weren't helping. He laid down, with his head on the pillow.
“Your mother,” continued Even, making Isak turn to his side to look at him. “She fell in love with a man that wasn't your father. I mean, this happens a lot, but she always has you first. Every damn time, except in rare, rare occurrences. So yes, tell me how to fall in love with a ghost.”
Isak stared back speechless, then he burst out laughing so suddenly, nearly spitting on Even's face, that Even almost fell off the bed. And this only added to Isak's amusement. He threw his head back, to make it possible to breathe while his body was convulsing, laughing freely. And this was such a foreign feeling.
"I'm glad my tragic story is entertaining you," said Even amused, staring at Isak's face all the time.
"Tragic?" said Isak breathless, laughing more and more.
"Ok, I'm starting to feel better. You're just a jerk," laughed Even too.
"So, there is this ninety-nine rate of something happening," said Isak grinning, looking at Even. "And you are the zero two percent?"
Even just nodded smiling.
Isak laughed like an idiot, rolling on the bed, hugging his stomach until it hurt, seeing Even looking at him puzzled.
"This is so fucked up, Isak," laughed Even together.
"Which part?" asked Isak breathless.
"All of this," said Even.
“Well, I'm an Isak," said Isak, stop smiling. "Where would it let you in this zero point two thing if you fell in love with me?”
“We can't fall in love with people in other universes,” said Even simply.
Isak snorted.
“What?” chuckled Even.
“Such an ex-machina solution. C'mon, you could be more creative than that.”
Even grinned back.
"Well, isn't that kind of relieving in some way?" asked Isak.
"What do you mean?" frowned Even.
"Like, to me this ninety-nine shit seems kind of scaring, like you're just a puppet in the universe. No free will, this is slavery, Even" said Isak raising a finger between them, like to enforce his point.
"Well, wouldn't you exchange free will for love?" asked Even.
"No."
Even chuckled.
"You should rebel yourself, Even," shouted Isak, smiling. "You shouldn't fall in love with people that the universe chose you."
"I should rebel myself?" Even laughed. "Like how? Not falling in love with you?"
"Exactly," smirked Isak.
"Maybe you're right," sighed Even. "Maybe I'm the luckiest Even, after all. I mean, I saw you, you're great, but like, I have a ninety-nine expectation over here. No offense, dude."
"Or maybe you just are the most unimpressionable Even?" asked Isak.
"Or maybe you're the less lovable Isak?" Even laughed.
"What?" Isak shoved him softly. "I'm very lovable."
Even laughed until his eyes turned into a line. Isak stared back, pressing his lips firmly together to suppress a smile.
Isak wasn't recognizing himself. Was he really shoving a pretty boy on a bed? Jeez. But he was smiling, like never, so he pushed this thought aside, he could deal with this later.
"So, what happens when the most unimpressionable Even meets the less lovable Isak?" asked Isak amused.
"Oh my God, Isak," laughed Even.
Score.
"Wait, wait," blurted out Isak, gaining Even's attention. "What if I'm the most lovable Isak, and you're the most unimpressionable Even? Who wins? Lovability or cynicism?
"Who wins?" chuckled Even. "You think this is a crossover game?"
Isak shrugged, smiling.
"Isak," said Even.
"What?"
"Isak wins."
Oh.
Even looked at him with the most intense blue eyes, making Isak's stomach give an uncomfortable twitch.
“So,” muttered Isak. “Am I gay in all those other universes?”
“I don't know,” said Even, softly. “I just know that in ninety-nine percent of them you get stuck with an Even.”
“What about my Even, then?”
“Huh?”
“Where is the Even in this universe?” asked Isak.
Even looked at him, opened his mouth, but remained wordless. He touched his upper teeth with his tongue, then licked his lips before shaking his head.
“I don't know. It's not like I'm God. Maybe you’re stuck in the zero two percent too?”
“What is the chance of both of us being zero two percents?” said Isak grimacing.
“Actually is zero zero four.”
“Jeez, you really are into maths,” Isak laughed.
“Actually, I hate maths. I hate how with maths everything needs to be black or white, carved on stone. I hate it, but when you grow up hearing stuff like that all the time, you kind of absorb that by osmosis.”
“Fuck,” laughed Isak.
“What?”
“You’re so good at that! I almost believe it.”
Even smiled at him.
“Ok, so now you met me," said Isak.
"Now I met you," repeated Even. "Maybe now I can move on," he said staring at the ceiling.
“So we should just finish this,” replied Isak.
“You want me to go away?” asked Even confused.
“No!” Blurted out Isak, then blushing with his reaction. “I mean, the joint. If you want it," he said shrugging.
“I can see you blush a lot,” said Even amused.
“I don't blush a lot!” yelled Isak back.
“Isak, your head is completely red,” said Even pointing to Isak.
“Maybe I just have a red face," said Isak shoving his hand, seeing him chuckling in return.
“Uhu,” smiled Even. “It's ok, I'm sure all those Even's are probably very thrilled by that.
“But not you?” asked Isak low, staring the sheet.
“Well, it's cute I guess. But it's not like I would write odes to this or something like that,” said Even.
“Ninety-nine expectation?” asked Isak raising an eyebrow.
“Ninety-nine expectation,” answered Even laughing again.
“But what about you, huh?”
“What about me?” asked Even frowning.
“Well, you know. Ok, you are nice to look at, you have great eyes, but it's not like you are a greek God yourself. You are freaking tall, it's scaring.“
“You think I'm nice to look at?” blurted out Even, delighted.
“Well, I mean, objectively speaking,” stuttered Isak, rolling his eyes and seeing Even smiling.
“And what is the problem with my height?” asked Even faking an offended voice.
“Cmon, we wouldn't even fit together.”
“I guess our parallel versions dealt with it pretty well. At least ninety-nine point eight percent of times.”
“Maybe other Evens aren't that tall?” suggested Isak.
“I doubt that, we all share the same DNA. So yes, it's possible that in some environments I got slightly smaller or even bigger, but I'm pretty sure they have similar heights than me.”
“What about a verse where life isn't carbon-based? I'm pretty sure your DNA would be slightly different, Even.”
“This doesn't happen,” said Even chuckling.
“Why not?"
“I don't know. Blame God, Buddha, Allah or any divinity," said Even shaking his head. "Or maybe blame science, the universe, I don't fucking know. But people always have the same DNA.”
“In this case, I hope that at least my Even doesn't use his hair in this affected way.”
“Wow," laughed Even.
"Did I just touch a sensitive point?" smirked Isak.
"What is wrong with my hairstyle, Isak?” shrieked Even.
“I don't know, you just put too much effort into it.”
“Fuck you," said Even smiling. "What about you? Look at my snapback backward, I'm such a rebel .”
“Fuck you!” yelled Isak back, but Even was chuckling, and he smiled back. “What about all these spots on your face?”
“What the fuck could be possibly wrong with that!?” shouted Even, shifting his body and getting closer. Isak almost gasped in surprise.
“What is this? A map? It's like you have a constellation on your face. It's very weird.”
“What about these separated teeth? I'm pretty sure even in this universe they can fix it.”
“People say it's cute!” stormed Isak.
“And what's is that with your temper? Are you always this sensible?”
“I'm not sensible!” yelled Isak.
“And just proved my point,” chuckled Even, looking up and to Isak again.
“Are all those Even's so fucking rude like you?” yelled Isak.
“I don't know. Maybe I'm the bluntest one?” smirked Even.
“You are the bluntest Even? From an infinite number of universes?” rolling eyes. “Maybe you are the most pretentious one?”
“Jeez, you’re so fucking annoying. What is that with the rolling eyes thing? What are you? Five?”
“Why do you even care? It's not your problem right? Didn't you say I'm not your Isak?” said Isak making quote signs with his fingers.
“Yeah," said Even getting serious again. "I guess I just don’t get all the fuss about you. It's not like I'm falling in love here.”
“Good for you," yelled Isak. "Since I'm not fucking gay!”
Even rolled his eyes.
“Hypocrite!” said Isak laughing, pointing to him.
Before he could prevent it, a pillow hit hard his face.
“You didn't do that!” yelled Isak, sitting on the bed.
“What if I did?” laughed Even, sitting beside him.
Isak grabbed a pillow, hearing Even saying some ho ho ho, before laughing. Isak lifted his pillow up, with a clear intention, when Even grabbed both his wrists. Isak tried to unleash his hands, squirming and moving, but never letting go of his weapon.
"Let me go!" yelled Isak.
"Drop the pillow, Isak.
"I'm not doing anything, I swear" smiled Isak.
"Isak, you're smiling like the cat in Alice in Wonderland."
"Get away!" screamed Isak.
They struggled like idiots, laughing and trying to hold each other hands. They fell on the bed, wrestling and letting go some dork sounds between every laugh. They took turns straddling each other, rolling on the bed. And Isak was amused, but he didn't miss how Even's body felt warm. How nice it felt having a hard chest pressed against his.
Right there, Isak wasn't the same Isak that arrived at that party. But he was liking that new version, even if it was such an alien one. Fuck, he was carefree, and that was fucking liberating.
"Hey, hey, hey!" yelled Even earning Isak's attention. "Truce? No more pillows, ok? Ok?"
“Ok,” said Isak in a childish way, then dropping his pillow.
As soon as Even released his wrists, he felt a pillow hitting him hard in the face. He was knocked down, falling on the bed on his back. Even climbed onto him, beaming.
Isak stared back astonished. But before he could form any coherent thought Even pressed a pillow over his face for a couple of seconds. Then taking it away to glance at him.
"I swear to..." yelled Isak, the end of the phrase being muffled by the pillow again.
Isak struggled to free himself, watching Even again taking the pillow away.
"I knew you were a serial killer!" yelled Isak chuckling.
Even put the pillow again, but Isak could feel him over him. All over him, actually. Even's chuckles shaking his entire body, giving him tickles everywhere.
Isak stopped fighting, staying completely still, just waiting surrendered Even deciding to release him. Fuck, was he really in a bed with a guy? In the middle of a party, where anyone could enter at any time? Where Jonas could step in?
Isak started breathing hard, his mind spinning. He tried to take a deep breath, but the pillow in his face didn't allow him. He was growing anxious and anxious, feeling the air missing in his lungs. Isak started punching and struggling fiercely.
Even took the pillow away and looked confused at him. And this just made Isak feel worst. He knew this new version couldn't last.
"Stop it, ok!" shouted Isak, with his eyes closed, avoiding his glance.
"Hey, it's ok," said Even softly. "Look, the pillow is on the floor."
Isak opened his eyes and found blue ones, so close, staring at him intensely, concerned.
"Ok?" insisted Even.
"Ok," muttered Isak.
Even threw himself beside Isak on the bed, then turning to face him again.
"Are you ok?"
Isak just nodded.
"Jezz, what was that, Isak?"
"I don't want to talk about it. Ok?" asked Isak shyly, looking at the ceiling, taking a glance at him.
"Ok," said Even softly.
"I discovered about you when I was fourteen," blurted out Even.
Isak turned to his side, to look at him inquisitively, silently encouraging him to continue.
"Even if it took my parents just five minutes to discover about you after I was born," said Even nonchalantly, like it was the most normal thing. Like they weren't talking about parallel universes staring at each other in a bed. Like they knew each other. Like it was just a regular Friday.
Isak didn't miss the absurdity of all of this. Neither how easily it was to be with him, how effortless it was to talk to him. Neither how pleasant it was to look at him. He smiled to himself.
“Why are you smiling?” asked Even smiling confusedly.
“I don't know. I never felt so important,” chuckled Isak.
Even let go a half laugh, half sigh.
“Tell me more,” said Isak low.
"What do you want to know?"
Then Even yawned, and Isak watched mesmerized as he shouted his eyes closed, as his plump lips twisted into a big o, then as his lips were pressed together again with a pop sound.
Isak blinked a couple of times until he realized Even was looking at him with an amused and confused expression, waiting for his answer.
"Hm," mumbled Isak. "Anything." And of course, he blushed.
“It took my parents five minutes to know I would be tall, ten minutes for them to discover all my shit genes, and fifteen until they found about you," said Even smiling fondly. "They didn't believe at first. Things like that simply don't happen, I mean, ninety-nine, right? This is basically like saying hey, your son will be loved and cared. It's a ninety-nine percent certainty."
Even smiled sadly seeing Isak's focused expression and continued.
“It took them one week to discover about you, though. They were thrilled, they searched for you, and of course, they found out about you. Or about the absence of you. You simply didn't exist, and I was the fucking zero two percent at an almost perfect rate. How fucked up is that?”
“I'm sorry,” said Isak. He didn't know what to say, but he seemed sad, so it seemed just right.
“Why are you sorry, Isak?”
“I don't know. I don't like it,” said Isak feeling suddenly an emptiness that made his heart hurt.
“Don't be sad,” said Even leaning closer, then freezing on his way. “None of this is your fault.”
They stared at each other silently. Isak had never seen blue like that.
"Isak?" asked Even as he was about to tell him a secret.
"Yeah?" Isak's heart raced, and he didn't even know why.
"I thought about you all those years," said Even looking directly into Isak's soul. "I know I'm supposed to let go, and who knows, maybe even find someone else, as unlikely as it is."
"Why didn't you do that then?" whispered Isak.
"I don't know. I get used to the thought of you," Even said that with such sincerity in his big eyes, that Isak's breath hitched.
“Don't say things like that,” whispered Isak locked in blue.
“Why not?” muttered Even, looking at the sheets, then up again, getting closer, making Isak let go a soft gasp. “It's true.”
“It makes me believe in it,” said Isak averting his eyes, locking at Even's chest instead. It makes me sad.
“Isak?” whispered Even with raised eyebrows, and a couple of soft frown lines on his forehead.
They were so close that Isak could feel his scent playing games with his mind. The tip of their hairs tangled together, the same tone of blonde, making it impossible to say where each one started, while the rest of their bodies remained separated by an invisible, but much present, line.
“Yeah?” said Isak.
"Can you stay in here with me? Just a little longer?"
Isak just nodded, he didn't trust his voice at that moment. Even smiled like a child, and Isak's heart flipped inside him.
They locked eyes silently. Green on blue. Isak looked into Even's eyes, really looked into them, roaming his eyes through every little detail there, every light ray seeming like waves in a very ocean blue. Isak stared until he could almost saw himself reflected on the bluest eyes he had ever seen. Even stared back with the same fiercely concentration, and Isak's heart clenched. Even's droopy eyes were looking back at him with a hint of sadness that made Isak uneasy.
Even started closing his heavy lids, keeping them shut longer and longer, while Isak stared silently. Even seemed to be fighting it, but his gazes were becoming more and more spaced until he didn't open his eyes again. Isak started hearing his soft snorts, seeing his full lips parting. He seemed so young, so fragile like that. He seemed small.
Why are you so absurd? Why are you so sad?
Isak watched him, watched as he shifted softly, snuggling his nose against the pillow. Isak stared at the soft waves of his hair, watched when a loosen hair strand fell over his ear. He wanted to reach it, to tuck it behind Even's ear, but Isak couldn't make himself to move. So instead he kept studying the lines of his features, the delicate traces of his nose, then lingering his eyes over Even's cheeks and his chin. Isak wanted to contour him.
Isak stared for uncountable minutes, counting the spots on his cheek and his neck, trying to join them forming patterns on his head. Isak connected mentally every two spots on his face and smiled to himself. Even's face was full of "i" letters. He felt like waking him up and telling him that, just to see him smile again.
"You're beautiful," whispered Isak, in the loudest voice he was brave enough to let go.
Isak lowered his eyes to Even's big hand laying softly near his head. Isak slid his hand through the sheet slowly, stopping it where it was almost touching him, where he could nearly feel the ghost touch of Even's hand, where any little movement would make them touch. Even, move!
Even never did. Isak sighed and stared at both their hands, side by side, so close, even though so lonely. With an index finger, Isak contoured on the sheet the boundaries of Even's hands, his fingers, his wrist, being careful not to touch him. Isak raised his eyes at him, almost expecting him to wake up, and take his hand.
Isak closed his eyes just for a while, comforted by the rhythmic sounds of Even's breathing near him. Comforted by the thought of both their hands laying side by side. Just for a second.
Next thing, Isak woke up startled, almost jumping from that bed, he had fallen asleep hardly. He snapped his head to the side and Even wasn't there anymore, and Isak's heart raced immediately. He slid his hands to his side of the bed, the sheets still holding his body format, still keeping his warmth. Isak sat on that bed disoriented.
Isak brought a hand to rub his face harshly, rubbing his eyes repeatedly. He kept doing it, as to make it stop, this feeling growing inside him. Isak stared at Even's side of that bed again, his face falling and his eyes staring at nothing, and he all but pouted ridiculously. Isak rubbed his eyes, again and again, trying to wipe the ghost tears his body didn't know how to produce. Why the absence of Even felt so present inside him?
He stared at the sheet losing Even's shape already, vanishing away any proof of Even's presence in that room, of Even's presence at all. Isak felt like crying, even if tears wouldn't come to him. Isak put on his snapback again, keeping both his hands holding it firmly there, then closing his eyes.
I should have touched your hand.
The door cracked open, hitting the walls loudly, startling Isak, who directed his eyes immediately to it.
Even.
Even was standing by the door, looking at him with the same lost expression that Isak knew was showing in his eyes.
It took the first movement of Even's legs to Isak to jump from that bed clumsily, almost falling, running to Even before his mind could form any conscious thoughts, losing his snapback in the middle. Even rushed to him in giant steps. They crashed their chests together someway in the middle, wrapping each other in a bone wrecking hug, holding each other to keep their balances after the abrupt halt.
“Just one hug,” whispered Even, pressing his hands on Isak's back and wrapping him tighter.
Isak sighed and snuggled closer, feeling suddenly warm with the touch of their front bodies glued together.
“You are not my Isak,” said Even, but pulling him closer.
Isak pulled at him as he was afraid that after those words he'd go away, again, or disappear into the air if he didn't hold him tight enough.
“Will I see you again?” asked Isak low.
“You are not my Isak,” repeated Even sounding hurt.
“Please?” asked Isak, feeling his heart getting sore.
Even sighed and pulled away, looking at Isak, smiling sadly. He didn't answer him, his eyes roaming all through Isak's face.
“I promise you, Isak, you will be ok, Ok?” said Even intensely, nodding questioningly. “Ok?”
Isak didn't answer. Instead, he pulled on Even's hoodie strings, as to keep him there.
“I'm sorry putting you through this,” said Even looking down, chasing Isak's face staring down at his chest, and sounding sad.
Even brought a hand to Isak's cheek, brushing his thumb softly there, making Isak shut his eyes closed for an instant before raising them, shyly.
“Happy birthday, baby,” said Even.
“You knew that?” muttered Isak looking in Even's blue eyes, and losing himself there a little bit.
“Sometimes I think I know you more than I know myself, Isak.”
Even caressed the frown formed between Isak's eyes. Isak closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, tilting his chin up instinctively.
“It’s ok,” Even whispered, planting a soft kiss on Isak's forehead, then sliding his thumb one last time over Isak’s cheek. And then, when Isak opened his eyes again, he was gone, even if his scent was still in the air.
Isak kept there, stood up in the middle of that room, fighting to figure out shit, struggling to breathe. Shaking his head harshly, trying to make the feelings go away.
But they didn't.
.
“Hey, bro,” said Jonas reaching him on the stairs, smiling softly at him. “We were looking for you, birthday boy.”
Isak didn't answer. Isak didn't smile. Isak nearly breathe.
“Hey, you good?" asked Jonas frowning with his thick eyebrows.
Isak let his eyes linger on Jonas' face for too long, he hadn't inside him the motivation to hide the emotions on his face anymore.
I’m fine.
Isak shook his head, silently, seeing Jonas eyes widening in surprise.
"Jonas," said Isak low, like testing his voice.
"Are you ok?"
"No," said Isak almost choking, "I'm not ok, Jonas. I'm not ok. Ok? I don't know what ok is. I'm feeling dead inside, dead, Jonas. I'm fucking broken. And Jonas, I don't like girls, ok? I don't, I'm sorry. I tried, but if I need to kiss a girl one more time I will suffocate. I can't breathe Jonas. I like boys and I can't breathe. You have no idea how bad it gets sometimes. Sometimes I can't breathe. I'm saying that I can't literally breathe. You have any idea how it feels to have his lungs closing and your mind shutting down? I can't sleep and I don't want to lose you. But I can't do this anymore. I'm not ok. I'm not. And I'm gay."
Isak didn't realize when Jonas wrapped him in his arms shouting something like Fuck, Isak. Isak didn't even register when he brought a hand to hold the back of his head before pulling him closer, as you do with a baby. Isak stayed there, still, inert, with his arms dangling along his body, his mind in a state of numbness.
Then something incredible happened, Isak breathed.
Isak let go the deepest of the breaths, coming out of him like a vulcan bursting out in lava. And Isak, for the first time in years, he finally, finally cried. He held on Jonas, burying his hands on his shoulder and sobbed his heart out, Isak cried freely, the tears washing his face and cleaning his soul, sobs coming from him uncontrollably, shaking both their bodies, in the middle of that stair.
"It's going to be ok," whispered Jonas repeatedly, rocking them slowly.
Isak let himself believe it for the first time, and with every sob, a new brush of sparkling blue outshined the gray. Isak's brand new sixteen heart was pulsating, blue, blue, blue.
That night, it changed everything.
Including the color of his own renewed heart.